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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is the right 'funeral etiquette'

184 replies

BoxofSnails · 15/06/2016 11:21

If a parent dies, is it traditional and usual for your PILs, if in good health and able (ie. not overseas, too frail, still working and unable to get leave etc) to attend the funeral?

I think this is normal etiquette and was actually quite hurt by my sister's PILs, who knew my mum pretty well, not coming to her funeral - they were then late 50s, retired and well (my mum died at 60) so maybe I am putting an emotional slant on this - for that reason please be gentle (if that exists in AIBU!).

My DH's BIL (his sister's husband) died recently, and I am surprised that his mum isn't going down for the funeral, mainly as support for his sister, because she 'doesn't like to travel'. I've said maybe DH should take her - he's self employed and therefore flexible - as it's just what families do - he, gently, disagrees.

Maybe I'm just being old fashioned? Or am I completely wrong?!

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 15/06/2016 12:30

No such thing as funeral etiquette in this situation, I don't think?

eitak22 · 15/06/2016 12:32

I think a lot of people are misreading. The Op's DH is is going to his BIL funeral. It's OP MIL who is not and OP's DH wont say to his mum she should go.

I think i agree with you regarding second scenario because she should be supporting her daughter. Also if children are involved they may need the support of grandparents too.

First scenario depends on closeness and where they live etc. Also some family's think funerals are family only and may not include in laws in that. My MIL (FIL was working away) came to my dad's funeral to support me and DH i was so grateful because it was the first funeral my DH had been to and was close to my dad, it meant he had support and so did i.

Artandco · 15/06/2016 12:33

It seem fine to me.

For example I'm British, Dh is Greek. Dh parents live in Greece. Mine in England ( not London). Therefore my pils have only ever met my parents twice. Once when we married, once they were all in London at same time. That's in 12 years

Therefore it would be a bit wierd for either to go to each other's funerals surely as they barely even know their names.

Oh I have never met one of dhs sisters ( or her husband) either

Iliketeaagain · 15/06/2016 12:33

I suppose there is no such thing as "funeral etiquette" - depends on what the bereaved wants.

BUT not attending your son-in-laws funeral or brother-in-laws funeral is completely I fathomable and to me falls outside any etiquette.. It's about supporting your family, your newly widowed sibling.
And I can't imagine for a minute that my family would not drop everything and come (7hrs drive) to support me if DH died.

If your DH and MIL don't go, I hope they are happy to write off any possible future relationship with their sister / daughter.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 15/06/2016 12:35

How old are your in-laws now OP? Or is your MIL now a widow herself? If so how old is she?

Given that the situation with your mum's funeral is one where different families have different cultural expectations, and the situation now is more universally clear cut, the only explanation that would make your MIL is very elderly and frail and perhaps suffering from the beginnings of not yet diagnosed dementia?

If your mum's funeral was 30 years ago, and now SIL has lost her husband in his 70s and your MIL is in her 90s and frail it does put a rather different spin on it...

If your MIL is still relatively young-retired and fit all previous comments about her not supporting her DD stand.

ChicRock · 15/06/2016 12:35

The DH is not going - he's "thinking about it".

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 15/06/2016 12:36

If a parent dies, is it traditional and usual for your PILs, if in good health and able (ie. not overseas, too frail, still working and unable to get leave etc) to attend the funeral?

I don't think it is 'tradition' it is just that when people were less mobile, they would tend to marry someone from close-by and if the in-laws didn't know each other before the marriage of their off-spring, they had plenty of chance to get to know them after the wedding.

My parents live 200-odd miles away from my in-laws and we live another 200 miles further away. They've only met each other once and that was at our wedding and they probably won't meet again. I would find it extremely odd, bordering on the voyeuristic if they turned up at my parents' funeral.

So I guess what I'm saying is that there's no 'tradition' but it depends what kind of relationship the in-laws had when they were alive. If they lived in each other's pockets and showed no interest in turning up at the funeral that would be odd. If like my in-laws they had only met once in their lives, they turned up and plonked themselves on the front row and launched into full on weep and wailing, I'd find that equally strange.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 15/06/2016 12:37

I would think the normal thing would be to go, to support the bereaved, but every family is different.
When my daughter died, not one of my sisters came to the funeral, phoned me or came to my house. I was very hurt. Then recently my niece died and my parents expected me to arrange the wake, sort out the food (bar some baking which my sister was doing herself) and serve all the guests. Given that my sister and I have been nc for about 15 years and that none of my family helped out even slightly with my bereavement, I didn't feel obliged to go or to help. So I suppose it depends a lot on the relationship.
On the whole I think it's better not to go if all you bring is resentment (for example about having to travel when you don't want to) because the bereaved won't feel particularly supported by that.

AugustaFinkNottle · 15/06/2016 12:39

I wouldn't expect parents in law to go to the other in-laws' funerals unless they were reasonably close friends anyway. Certainly my parents didn't go to DH's parents' funerals, likewise DH's mother didn't go to my father's.

However, I agree with everyone else, not going to your sister's or daughter's husband's funeral is very, very strange indeed.

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2016 12:41

I think a lot of people are misreading. The Op's DH is is going to his BIL funeral.

No the DH is thinking about going. That's all.

wigglybeezer · 15/06/2016 12:42

I think this must be an English thing, I am in Scotland and would think it weird if my In- laws didn't come to my parents funeral. Funeral notices go up in the post Office and newsagents window to invite anyone who knew the deceased to the funeral. I have been invited to the funerals of friend's parents and been to the funerals of elderly neighbours. Plus lots of random friends and acquaintances turned up at the church for our wedding ceremony but that's another story.

JessieMcJessie · 15/06/2016 12:45

Schwabisch OP says in a subsequent post that the MIL is " 70+" so I'd imagine between 70 and 75.

JessieMcJessie · 15/06/2016 12:48

Trying to imagine not going immediately to be with my brother (7 hours away) if his wife were to die. Nope, impossible to imagine.

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2016 12:50

I know! It happened to one of my siblings and we were all there within 24 hours. A few of us having had to travel from overseas.

StarkintheSouth · 15/06/2016 12:51

When my Dad's parents died (within 8 months of each other) my Mum's parents came to both funerals, despite serious health issues of their own. They weren't particularly close but wanted to pay their respects and support their kids and grandkids as well as the ILs. But everyone is different, I guess.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 15/06/2016 12:54

I think the two scenarios you describe are quite different.

The first one very much depends, I think. I wouldn't necessarily want my inlaws at my parent's funeral - they don't know each other well, my parents don't like them much (inlaws are quite nasty people at times), they wouldn't know anyone else and they would create more work for dh when frankly I'd prefer him to be focussed on the dcs and me. I bet they would insist on coming though. On the other hand if I had lovely inlaws who knew my parents well and were friendly with them, then of course that would be totally different. Perhaps they might offer to help with the dcs etc - at my paternal grandad's funeral my maternal grandma looked after the smaller children during the service, for example.

As for the second scenario, I absolutely cannot imagine my husband dying and my parents not being there with me. Totally different.

nmg85 · 15/06/2016 12:55

If God forbid my parents die anytime soon I would not like my PIL to come to the funeral. My FIL winds me up and my MIL is a fusser which in the circumstance would drive me mad. There is no protocol for these things, each to their own.

Artandco · 15/06/2016 12:58

Jessie - different folks and all. My brother isn't married but is engaged. I haven't seen him at least 3 years and then it was just a brief hi at my parents. If he married and she died no we probably wouldn't go. Not everyone is close to siblings. I don't ever remember being close to him even when we were small

mommybunny · 15/06/2016 13:00

My experience (American, but of Irish descent) is a lot like the Irish ones - the more the "merrier" it seems. My dad died a couple of months ago in the US and DH and I both traveled from the UK - there was no question of DH (who is English) not being there to support me.

Of all the PILs of me and 4 siblings, 3 "sets" lived locally and they all came to the wake and funeral, while my FIL, being in the UK, didn't, and one brother's ILs also didn't as they lived a couple of days' drive away. Had my FIL and brother's PILS lived closer to my parents they would have attended.

My mom is one of 9 siblings, many of whom live all across the US, and every single one of those "in-law" families except one sent "delegates" - the brother who wasn't at the funeral wasn't there because he lived far away, is a doctor and he couldn't get off work, but he had been with us in the ICU when the breathing tube was removed and was a tremendous support to my mom when my dad was passing; he was definitely excused! My dad's own brothers and sister (and, where possible, spouses) also all came from far away - again, there was no question of their not being there.

If God forbid I lost my DH I would expect my mom to fly over here, if only to help my DCs. And she still works full time.

Peasandsweetcorn · 15/06/2016 13:01

Not going to your son-in-law's funeral - odd. Very odd unless something like an estrangement.
Parents not going to your PILs funeral - depends on the circumstances. My parents wouldn't have travelled for 9hrs to FIL's funeral, a man they had only met 4 or 5 times but they couldn't have any way as I needed them to travel for five hours at short notice first so they could look after DC so DH and I could travel four hours to be with PILs in FIL's final days and again for the funeral. My parents presence here meaning I could be with MIL was probably of much more support to MIL than my parents spending a couple of hours at a funeral & a wake, something which I think MIL acknowledged by organising the funeral around my parents' holiday (I hadn't asked her to or even mentioned it but she remembered my parents having mentioned it).

Olddear · 15/06/2016 13:05

DH isn't going to BiL's funeral, or at least, he has to give it some thought? Eh? Sounds odd to me, especially if they've not been estranged. Have they? I'm Scottish and we seem to 'do' funerals much like the Irish posters have suggested. We go to show our respects to the deceased and support the family. Definitely would be considered odd up here.

Ginkypig · 15/06/2016 13:06

I don't yhink parents or pil need to go to each other's funerals but I do think you need to go to partner of children/siblings funerals.

For example I would expect dp to go to my family's (blood and Bil/sil to siblings) funerals but not expect his parent/siblings to go.

And I would be expected to go to his family funerals but my parents siblings wouldn't.

I would think it very unkind for parents or siblings to not go to their child or siblings partners funeral, they are there to support their child or sibling in their loss!

Does that make sense.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 15/06/2016 13:07

Can I suggest (gently) that calling people's different ways of grieving 'shameful' is perhaps not very kind?

If the sister definitely wants her mother and brother there, I would absolutely be on her side. Likewise I sympathise with the OP whose PIL didn't come when she would have liked them to be there.

But I think it is wrong to assume that everyone grieves in the same way. It could be that the OP's DH and MIL actually know their sister/daughter best, couldn't it?

mommybunny · 15/06/2016 13:08

Peas you raise a very good point about babysitting services sometimes being an even greater support to the bereaved than attending the wake and funeral. When my dad died, my sister's MIL came to both but I couldn't help thinking her time and support might have better spent looking after her my sister's DCs, who were running amok and very bored (we had a 5 hour wake!!! nuts I know).

RockNRollNerd · 15/06/2016 13:08

Absolutely I would expect parents to attend the funeral of their son-in-law/daughter-in-law, assuming good health and able to travel etc. I struggle to see why (assuming they were all in contact/on speaking terms etc) you wouldn't do that. It's about supporting your child through what will probably be their darkest time.

ILs attending the funeral of their DIL/SIL's parents is clearly one of those things that varies by region/family. We're not Irish but all my family is Northern English and ILs attended the 'other sides' funerals. I've also been to funerals of people I barely know but where I know the bereaved. It wasn't until I read these kind of threads on MN I realised that wasn't even a thing in some areas. For my grandma's funeral the crem was pretty packed with all my parents friends and close colleagues even though plenty of them barely knew her/had never met her - it didn't occur to me that that wasn't the norm - they'd come to show support to my parents and me as much as for my gran.