To think that this is the right 'funeral etiquette'

[BoxofSnails]

If a parent dies, is it traditional and usual for your PILs, if in good health and able (ie. not overseas, too frail, still working and unable to get leave etc) to attend the funeral?

I think this is normal etiquette and was actually quite hurt by my sister's PILs, who knew my mum pretty well, not coming to her funeral - they were then late 50s, retired and well (my mum died at 60) so maybe I am putting an emotional slant on this - for that reason please be gentle (if that exists in AIBU!).

My DH's BIL (his sister's husband) died recently, and I am surprised that his mum isn't going down for the funeral, mainly as support for his sister, because she 'doesn't like to travel'. I've said maybe DH should take her - he's self employed and therefore flexible - as it's just what families do - he, gently, disagrees.

Maybe I'm just being old fashioned? Or am I completely wrong?!

[JessieMcJessie]

Artandco I fully appreciate that some people are not close to their siblings but the vast majority would be close enough to want to be at their sibling's spouse's funeral. That's all I was saying really. Equally I am aware that some mothers are not close to their adult children but, again, the most common situation would be for a parent to want to be with their child in person if the child's spouse were to die.

OP hasn't mentioned any estrangement here, which might change the perceived unreasonableness of her DH and MIL.

[AlfrescoBalconyWanker]

PIL not going to Parents funerals = totally dependent on their relationship, but certainly a nice to have to support the DC/DGC.

Not going to your child's spouse's funeral = not on.

[LikeDylanInTheMovies]

I think this must be an English thing, I am in Scotland

I think it is too, I noticed the same thing when I moved to Scotland. On balance, I'd feel hypocritical going to the funeral of someone I'd not been close to in live.

When my Nan died after a long illness some of the extended family turned up after not bothering to see her for years and knowing fine well my mum was run ragged looking after her and gave it the whole Sicilian widow act

I confess being irked by this and muttering under my breath 'they had no bloody time for her in life, they have no place being here in death.'

[JessieMcJessie]

Robins yes everyone grieves differently and I fully agree that a blanket condemnation is inappropriate. However if the daughter had said she didn't mind if MIL went or not I am sure OP would have mentioned this. Equally if MIL had said "I know my daughter best and this is what she wants" that would have been important info to put in the OP. But OP tells us that MIL's reason for not going is that "she doesn't like to travel". I am afraid that her dislike of a long car journey being the deciding factor in this context does make her conduct shameful in my opinion.

[Lymmmummy]

Think it depends

If you are in the same town or city and in particular in same area and they are known to each other then yes

If not then not so clear cut - I would expect PIL if in good enough health to make an offer to look after younger children to enable parents or other relatives to attend the funeral as opposed to PIL attending themselves if they were not particularly close with the deceased.

It does seem a bit unsupportive to her MIL daughter in this particular case - especially if there is a fairly straight forward way around the travelling issue - but everyone is different

[Lymmmummy]

Meant may appear unsupportive of your MIL not to go to support her daughter and this may in the longer term lead to a bit of resentment - or perhaps not

[BoxofSnails]

Yes, I've maybe muddled it up in the questions I've asked, I'm sorry. MIL has been widowed over 10 years. I am DH's 2nd wife, not entirely accepted yet. My mum died 5 years ago when I was in my late 20s - DH is 15 yrs older than me.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

It isn't really "unfathomable" that one family member wouldn't race to be with another one, if their spouse died - there are a lot of families with members who don't have contact with each other because of toxicity/ bad behaviour/ fall outs etc.

It might be "unfathomable" in your families (those who said it, or similar) but not everyone has a fully loving family.

I know my brother wouldn't give a shiny shit about me, for e.g. and certainly wouldn't be "there for me" if anything were to happen to DH - but my sister would.

[knowler]

It's a personal choice. Everyone will be different. My personal take is that you should go to funerals more for those left behind and not necessarily the deceased. I recently went to the funeral of my best school friend's father who had died after a horrid battle with cancer in his mid 50s. She (my friend) is understandably shattered by her loss and I wanted to be there for her. I hadn't seen her dad for getting on for 20 years.

I'd be really annoyed with my parents if they didn't go to the funeral of either my MIL or PIL, despite the fact they've only met a few times and aren't close at all. It would be as if they didn't care about my DH and his loss.

[Rinceoir]

I'm Irish and this situation would certainly be considered odd. And provoke a lot of conversation! But as others have said funeral customs are completely different.

When a friend of mine moved to London from rural Ireland a few years ago, his supervisors father passed away. Friend asked colleagues where he would find the funeral details (at home they are on the radio, newspapers and online) and they all thought he was very strange for asking!

[Kr1stina]

I'm Scottish too so I find the whole idea of not attending your BILs funeral really odd ( assuming that you live within a day's travel and are not estranged ) .

Also in my country, the person the OPs describes as her husband BIL, I would describe as MY BIL. My husband's siblings are my brothers/ sisters in law and so are their spouses/ partners . Some of them are my childrens blood relatives , some are not but they are all family.

If my sisters husband died, I woudl expect to travel immediately to be with her. Not " think about" attending the funeral.

Here , not going to your Son in law or grandhchilds funeral ( unless you were very ill ) is the kind of behaviour that woudl make everyone think and talk badly of you .

Eg my MIL didn't go to our sons funeral and everyone I tell is TOTALLY .

The idea of not going because you " don't like travel " would make everyone think you were bonkers / heartless .

So I didn't realise there were such huge cultural differences in England , this thread has been very interesting .

[Topseyt]

My parents and PILs barely knew each other. They met at our wedding 23 years ago, and then again at the christenings of our children, the youngest of whom is nearly 14 now.

They got along OK on those occasions, but never met or had any contact in between times and lived a long distance from each other.

My PILs have both since died. My parents did send sympathy cards and messages to DH's family on each occasion, but did not attend the funeral as they hardly knew anyone involved apart from DH and I. It would never have occurred to any of us that they should have attended.

I think OP's DH should be going to his BIL's funeral, in support of his sister as much as anything. He should also be trying to persuade his mother to go (to support her daughter). Even then though, he would have to accept it if she refused.

I don't know what OP's own circumstances are. You could argue that she should be going, but on the other hand perhaps she has very young children without easy access to childcare, or work commitments which might make it impossible if it isn't her direct next of kin, as some employers are very strict on that.

Young children and no childcare did sometimes make me have to back out of going to things like funerals or weddings that I otherwise would have attended.

Every family is different. There are no rights or wrongs.

[Rinceoir]

I see the childcare issue come up in regard to funerals a lot. Is it really not the done thing for children to attend funerals? I regularly went to funerals (open casket) as a child in Ireland, as did my friends. I can see how childcare would make a difference if you are expected not to bring them.

[LordoftheTits]

Is it really not the done thing for children to attend funerals?

I was 8 when my paternal granddad died and my brother and I stayed with our maternal grandparents while the funeral was on. The first person I knew of in my group of friends attending a funeral was about 13. I'm very lucky though, as I've made it 26 without having been to one.

[Topseyt]

It depends very much on the family, Rinceoir.

Some people don't mind small children being around at a funeral, but others are uncomfortable with it. I would have been very much more comfortable attending a funeral without my children when they were little (talking pre-schoolers and toddlers here), knowing that they had the attention span of a gnat and would therefore not have sat through it well. Far better for them to be elsewhere and sometimes that meant that either DH or I could not go to something.

They are older now though (21, 17 and almost 14), so things are different today.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

So you are a youngish or middle aged woman whose husband dies, but your mother and brother do not plan to come to the funeral. Yes, that is really fucking odd and heartless! Amazed you have to ask.

[JessieMcJessie]

topseyt OP has explained that ah wish an NHS doctor who is not able to cancel clinical commitments on the day of the funeral unless the death is of a 1st degree relative, which I would take to be parent, child, sibling or spouse.

[SarfEast1cated]

My DH's family are Catholic and everyone (both adults and children) goes to the funeral of a family member, family members and friends carry the coffin and long eulogies are given.
My family who are CofE, are very different. Only close family go, never any children, and most of the duties are carried out by the funeral directors staff.
As others have said, I would go to a funeral to support the people left behind, but when my grandfather died a really close friend of mine declined to come to the funeral as she worried it would upset her.
People have very different views. I

[JessieMcJessie]

" that she is", apols for typo.

[mommybunny]

How and whether childcare is an issue again, depends on the family and culture. As I said, my dad's wake (open casket) was 5 freakin' hours (it was not my idea - I was overruled by my brothers). My sister was there the whole time, as was my sister's DH, but 5 hours is (or rather should be) an awfully long time to expect a 9 year-old and a 4 year-old to "behave". They did start to play up, and it annoyed me that my sister's MIL, and her BIL/SIL, did nothing to get the kids out of the funeral home when it started.

My own DCs (11 and 9) had been left behind in the UK, because I would have had to take them out of school for a week and I just couldn't justify it. They were looked after by my FIL/SIL, who again, provided support to us that was just as meaningful as actually attending the services themselves. Had we lived in the area where my dad died my DCs would have come to the wake and funeral, but I would have tried to find some kind of babysitting distraction for them for at least some of that bloody interminable wake. They went to MIL's funeral (in England) 4 years ago, but they were the only ones there that young - no one else brought kids. The service was in a crematorium and only lasted an hour. We had quite a few adults sitting between them so there was no risk they could wind each other up. I do recall DD's teacher at the time advising me not to bring her (she was 4 then) but I didn't have a choice in the end as the funeral took place in the Easter holidays and we had no one to look after her.

[scaryteacher]

My dbs pils went to our Dad's funeral. My ils couldn't stand him, so didn't go.

When my fil died, my Mum came to support dh, ds and because she was very fond of my fil. She was 71 at the time and travelled from the Devon/Cornwall borders to Hampshire to attend.

If dh my my sil died, my Mum would be there to help and provide support, and I think my db would for me. I certainly would for him, even though we are in different countries.

[ExitPursuedByBear]

Oh can I have a small rant.

When my mum died 14 years ago my SIL didn't come to the funeral as she lives a 12 hour flight away, had a toddler plus was pregnant with her second.

My dad died in April and I was slightly aggrieved that once again she didn't come to his funeral and nor did their two sons, who were on holiday from school at the time.

I know it's a long way, and expensive, but as they will soon be inheriting from his estate I feel they could have made the bloody effort and my DB should have insisted that his sons came.

Rant over.

[Lymmmummy]

Exit

Don't blame you for the rant😢 People do not understand the hurt they cause sometimes or some don't care

My FIL dies a few years back - he had one biological brother who lived in Oz and who was enormously wealthy v successful business man worth many millions and who appeared by all accounts to be in good health despite being 70 - and he also has a sort of adopted sister who his mother had informally adopted who lived about 10 minutes away. Well neither of them came to the funeral

despite my MIL having bent over backwards to help the adopted sister through various problems and despite MIL and FIL having been to Oz and hosted the Oz brother and his family. What I think made it worse with the brother not attending the funeral was that he had already planned a visit a month or 2 after the funeral and just refused point blank to change his plans to come over at the time of the funeral - then bizarrely expected everyone to be thrilled when he turned up 2 months later.

Who knows why the brother wouldn't change his plans but funnily enough the people it went down worst with was his own kids who were furious with him for not having attended their uncles funeral and both were ready to hop on a flight themselves and come until they were gently persuaded not to as perhaps it may have just added an extra stress for MIL

MIL is enormously ridiculously polite so when BIL turned up she still pandered to him - rather than just perhaps be honest and say she was disappointed he had not attended etc ditto she quickly forgave the adopted sister and was shortly running around after her - entirely MIL choice

[gasman]

I think there is a cultural element. I'm Scottish - I couldn't imagine not going to the funeral of one of my siblings partners. TBH I will got to my siblings partners parents funerals when the time comes. My paternal grandparents went to both my maternal grandparents funerals.

Outwith family my Mum died I was amazed and very very grateful for the huge army of friends who turned up to support me, my DBro and DSis. We had a bit of a DIY affair and they all just pitched up and got given a job - arranging seats, flowers, doing the collection etc. It was so helpful.

The noticeable exception was one of my best friends who is English (most of those who came were Scottish or Asian). Admittedly she had childcare considerations but so did other people (one friend left her 12mo, 4 yo and husband in a country thousands of miles away With a patchy arrangement of babysitters and few days of daddy annual leave because she felt it was so important to come). Lots of the parents came too (not all of whom knew my Mum well).

[Topseyt]

Thanks Jessie, I had missed that. Perfectly reasonable then of OP not to be going.

Not the same for her DH.