To think that this is the right 'funeral etiquette'

[BoxofSnails]

If a parent dies, is it traditional and usual for your PILs, if in good health and able (ie. not overseas, too frail, still working and unable to get leave etc) to attend the funeral?

I think this is normal etiquette and was actually quite hurt by my sister's PILs, who knew my mum pretty well, not coming to her funeral - they were then late 50s, retired and well (my mum died at 60) so maybe I am putting an emotional slant on this - for that reason please be gentle (if that exists in AIBU!).

My DH's BIL (his sister's husband) died recently, and I am surprised that his mum isn't going down for the funeral, mainly as support for his sister, because she 'doesn't like to travel'. I've said maybe DH should take her - he's self employed and therefore flexible - as it's just what families do - he, gently, disagrees.

Maybe I'm just being old fashioned? Or am I completely wrong?!

[mommybunny]

Our tradition is similar Rinceoir - we're also Irish Catholic, though we don't wake at home anymore. My dad died on a Sunday, was waked on Wednesday (again, open casket) and buried on Thursday. In between we had lots of family gatherings with all the relatives and friends (including tons of in-laws!) all of whom had special memories of a man who was liked and admired by every single person he had ever known.

It was sad when my 4yo nephew went up to the casket and kept asking when his grandpa was going to get out and play with him. My DH was horrified (their stiff-upper-lip English tradition would never dream of an open casket!) but the rest of us understood that it was part of my nephew's grieving process.

[Rinceoir]

We don't usually wake at home either, but she died in her own bed so we decided to have the wake there. It was very pleasant and everyone had a lovely time. There is quite a different attitude to death culturally at home too; having worked in healthcare in Ireland and the U.K. the difference is striking. I can understand how Irish funerals would seem strange to anyone from a different culture though.

[ludog]

There is something very therapeutic about an Irish funeral. We 'do' death very well here imo. The only time I didn't get to see the corpse and say goodbye was a friend who died in a fire when I was in my early 20s. It took me a long time to accept the reality of her death and I'm sure that (for me) a big part of that was not having the opportunity to say goodbye to her in the way I was used to culturally. After my SIL's death earlier this year I had a conversation with my parents about their wishes when they die. It's good to know that what we will do for them when the time comes is what they have said they wanted.

[fadingfast]

My dsis and dm came to my mil's funeral, not because they had a close relationship with her (they barely ever saw her) but to support us. It was a huge comfort to us for them to be there. We'd had a very difficult few months and dh's family are all a bit disfunctional and unreliable so we were very glad they came, even though they don't live locally. I agree with PPs who say that it's about supporting the bereaved as much as paying respects to the deceased.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Yes, I think the only real "etiquette" is to do what the bereaved family want, inasmuch as they can tell you and it's possible. So if they want balloons and pink clothes, then that's what you do - if they don't want ILs or children, then ILs and children don't go.

Some people can't handle that, of course, because it doesn't fit with their feelings - but so long as it doesn't have a major impact on the nearest and dearest, then ok.

A good friend of mine, now in her 90s, was unable to go to either her sister's or her own DH's funeral. Not physically unable, she could have gone, she just refused point blank to do so because she was prostrated by her grief and couldn't bear to have it on display in public. She got some trouble from her family over her sister's funeral; but by the time her DH died, she, being the primary mourner, could choose what to do.

[TheNaze73]

There is no right or wrong here

[SouperSal]

Not RTFT but my parents and PIL have spent less than 24 hours total together in the same room since DH and I got together 15 years ago. PIL are the last people I would want at my parents' funerals, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't dream of attending PILs'. We tend to keep them 300 miles apart for a reason!

[Kr1stina]

In Scotland ( and I think in Ireland ) , people go to funerals for all sorts of reasons apart from " being a close friend of the bereaved " . These include

• Showing love / support / solidarity with the bereaved
  

• Showing respect for the person who has died, especially if they were a well know figure in their community
  

• Representing their community or family in some way
  

• Showing respect for one of the main mourners ( like the man upthread going to his new bosses fathers funeral )
  

Eg one of the teachers at our local primary died , she had been battling cancer for a year so had not been at work for that time, except for a few visits to see the children .

Lots of parents and former pupils went to the funeral . There was a guard of honour of older pupils from the school , even though that wasn't her class.

The new HT went, even though she hardly knew the deceased because she started in post when she was off sick . But it was her place to go and it woudl have been shocking if she had not done so - it was one of her staff ( of less than 15 people ) who had died .

All the teachers from the school attended, many with their spouses. Who mostly didn't know her either, but went to support their wives / partners .

The head of the parents coucil went ( a parent) , who didn't know that particular teacher well but went to represent the organisation.

All this is completely normal here. I mention it because someone said up thread " Id feel a fraud going to a funeral unless I knew the person well " and another suggested people went because they were voyeurs .

Nothing could be further from the truth . People go because it's their duty, it's a mark of respect. The bereaved family are honoured and supported when lots of people come to a funeral - it generates a lot of favourable comments .

" what a lovely service / fine send off , such a great turnout, you must be pleased to see how many people admired him / have come to support you"

[gasman]

Kr1stina.

You have nailed it. And this thread has just explained to me why I've had trouble getting time off work to go to funerals in England when I wouldn't in Scotland.

Interesting.

[mommybunny]

Yes kr1stina, very interesting. I'm in England and my DS's reception teacher died just before (i.e., the week before) he started Y2, also after a year-long battle with cancer. There was a letter from the Headmistress with the news, but no word about the funeral. I found that very strange that the school wouldn't have let the parents know how they and their children could attend and pay their respects to the family. As a PTA rep for that year I helped organise a card for all the parents to sign, but that was it.

[Cordeliana]

When my mother died I would have preferred that my PIL hadn't come to the funeral, given that she died within 4 weeks of being diagnosed terminally ill (at a young age), and DH chose that moment to tell me he wanted a divorce. I had nursed her for that time so that she could die at home, and when I got home I realised that DH had not done even a miniscule amount of housework. I did not want to be responsible for house guests travelling from a long way, I'd not been at home to undertake any preparation (meals, shopping, bed changing, cleaning etc) and tbh it felt like an intrusion into 'my' family.

'Not liking travelling' is a general response which could hide a myriad of things - she may not be going out much at all, she may get upset by funerals, she may consider it an intrusion into someone else's life etc etc.

Most of all, if it bothers you so much, could you not have initiated a conversation along the lines of "...are you not coming to x's funeral then?"
You'll understand more from asking the people themselves rather than here!

[tinyterrors]

It depends on the local custom where you live and also distance from the funeral imo. I'm part Irish and for my nan it was usual for everyone and anyone of all ages to attend a funeral, even if they vaguely knew the deceased or one of the close family members. Where I am now it tends to be family and friends of the deceased that attend the funeral, with a pretty even split as to whether children attend.

That said, my PIL and SIL attended my mum's funeral. We all live within 20 minutes of each other though which may have been a deciding factor.

I'd likely go to my children's in-law's funeral to support my child and their family (unless I was particularly close to their in-laws).

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Jeezus, Cordeliana, what an arse your H was to have done that to you at that time! :(
for you.

[Katherine2626]

Surely you go to a funeral if you knew the person well enough and/or know the bereaved well enough, I don't think there are any rules. My late Mil didn't go to funerals because 'she didn't like them'; her world revolved around how events affected her, and had no regard for the need for support and a kind word of comfort that people can have at times of intense grief. She didn't come to either of my parent's funerals in spite of having known them fairly closely for many years. That hurt. I guess we are all so different.

[Pettywoman]

I went to my SIL's mother's funeral (dh's brother's wife's mum). It's a mark of respect and support to attend if you can.

I've missed a few funerals due to distance and work of people who were very dear to me. My mum who lived closer and wasn't working did manage to attend which I'm thankful for.

I don't think you have to go to these occasions but you look a bit heartless if you have no good reason.

[pollymere]

My in laws didn't come to either of my parents funerals. If you close then you might want them there but otherwise I think it's quite usual to only be relatives and close friends of the deceased. I've been to funerals where spouses have not attended.

[pamhill64]

I think it's disgusting tbh as that's their SIL (unless I'm mistaken??) for goodness sake! Would t their own DD need their support? Sounds utterly selfish if there's no health reason for them not to attend. I don't even think travelling long distance is mitigation in this case

[Sara107]

I would expect it, if it's possible. My parents would have gone to all the funerals of their children's PIL, even when it required a long drive. However, I wonder if it's a bit of a cultural thing. We're re Irish, and as others have commented, funerals are perhaps a bigger thing there? When my own parents died, my English MIL didn't even offer me her condolences, not verbally, not sending a message via dh, not a card or a note. I wouldn't have expected her to travel for the funerals, especially as Irish ones happen quickly, but I couldn't believe anybody would not say 'oh by the way, sorry for your loss'.

[Basicbrown]

When my own parents died, my English MIL didn't even offer me her condolences, not verbally, not sending a message via dh, not a card or a note.

No that's just awful and nothing to do with her being English

[JessieMcJessie]

Agreed basic. My English MIL was only my boyfriend's Mum at the time my Mum died and she sent me a lovely card with a heartfelt message in it. I'm Scottish but don't see huge cultural English/Scottish differences.

Please don't see your English MIL as an indication of how all English people behave around bereavement. She's an anomaly.

[JessieMcJessie]

Last sentence there was to sara107 of course.

[2010Aussie]

As a previous poster said "Funerals aren't just for the dead; they're for the living as well."
I live in a rural community and when the mother of a long term resident died recently, there was a huge turn out at her funeral. Many people didn't actually know the deceased because she had been in a care home for several years, but they were there to support her daughter. She said that she felt she was being carried by the community. That's what it's about.

[Postchildrenpregranny]

I have twice been to funerals where I had never met the deceased, to support the widow .
At my brothers's recent funeral four friends of mine who had not seen him since my wedding , 34 years ago ,came, to support me.Ditto 8 cousins. I was deeply touched . (And as there were over 200 at the church the family was not lacking support )
The husband of one friend has a beautiful bass voice and sang at my wedding. I could hear him in the hymns. It was hugely comforting (Have probably just outed myself but dont care)

[madamginger]

I'm Irish too and everyone goes to funerals no matter how well you know the deceased, when my grandfather died 5 years ago there were over 300 people at the funeral. The police had to come and manage the traffic between the church and the cemetery.
My granda was 97 and lived in a small village so I think practically the whole village came and I know that my granny took great comfort in it.

[Cataronga]

I work in the funeral industry and have first hand experience dealing with the bereaved. Every family is different, there is no right or wrong! Some families lose loved ones too soon, others appear to sail through life not losing anyone until they themselves are in their 60s+ and then have no idea how to deal with death or the funeral experience. I do find it odd that a parent would not attend their son in law's funeral, distance is not an excuse. People fly/train/drive vast distances to attend. Offering support is invaluable at these times unless of course there are family rifts where one's presence would not be appreciated. I lost my Mother when in my 20s and really had no experience of funerals, big mistake, the whole process was horrendous for me and my siblings. We did however have a lot of family support (Irish family) which got us through.