To think that this is the right 'funeral etiquette'

[BoxofSnails]

If a parent dies, is it traditional and usual for your PILs, if in good health and able (ie. not overseas, too frail, still working and unable to get leave etc) to attend the funeral?

I think this is normal etiquette and was actually quite hurt by my sister's PILs, who knew my mum pretty well, not coming to her funeral - they were then late 50s, retired and well (my mum died at 60) so maybe I am putting an emotional slant on this - for that reason please be gentle (if that exists in AIBU!).

My DH's BIL (his sister's husband) died recently, and I am surprised that his mum isn't going down for the funeral, mainly as support for his sister, because she 'doesn't like to travel'. I've said maybe DH should take her - he's self employed and therefore flexible - as it's just what families do - he, gently, disagrees.

Maybe I'm just being old fashioned? Or am I completely wrong?!

[MumsTheWordYouKnow]

I think some families are reserved about relationships and things like this to the point of actually being rude. To be so reserved they can't say sorry for your loss (Sara) or to not maintain contact with siblings or have such strict social etiquette that it's so easy to offend and fall out with each other over literally nothing. My partner doesn't really have much to do with his brothers and I'm sure when their mother dies that will be it. I once arranged to together at their mother's for my DP's bday as an excuse to get together. They seemed to find it weird and especially the sister-in-law of one of the brothers was very weird, quite defensive about the get together. I also did it so my children could get to know their uncles a bit better. They just seemed very awkward and didn't make much effort. Very sad in my opinion, my sister and I are very close and would not let this kind of thing happen. It is upsetting when you have family and they can't be bothered.

I think that your MIL is strange, possibly could have MH issues that she doesn't think about others well being (narcissist) and the fact that there are GC involved is even worse. Both her and your brother have to go, it shouldn't even be a question. The PIL I'm afraid less so if they barely knew each other, although it would have been a nice thing to do. Ours know each other but sadly do not get on at all.

[MumsTheWordYouKnow]

In fact I suspect the sister-in-law is why we don't see the brother. While their children were growing up we saw them perhaps twice. My DP used to send presents to the children, nothing was ever reciprocated. When we had our children, not even a card was sent can you believe. As I say some people are just weird. Don't take it personally.

[KnittyFoxyMa]

I've been separated from my ex for about 7 years and when his grandmother died recently my parents both went to the funeral. We are Indian, Ex is English. Our daughters went with them, but my parents would have gone even if the girls couldn't have had the day off school. I didn't go, as ex-MIL hates me, and I have a small son I had to stay and take care of. So yeah, I feel it is a bit weird not to go.

[vikingorigins]

When my dad died my ILS were looking after our DC, which was much more use to us than them coming to the funeral (4 hours journey).

Similarly when FIL died my DM was looking after DD, which made more sense than her coming with us. I expect actually she'd have liked to come but DH wanted to go down and back in a day (4 hours each way) and no way was I doing that with a 6 yo.

[autumnboys]

My ILs travelled a couple of hundred miles to be with us for my Dad's funeral. MIL looked after our toddler and FIL came to the service (and counted heads for us, bless him) and to the wake. It meant we could totally focus on our own grief and on supporting Mum. I was so grateful.

Mum, my husband and I went to my sister's FIL's funeral many years later - it would just not have occurred to us not to have done.

So, yes, for my extended family, it would be strange. We would understand your reasoning (NHS Dr) but I would be shocked by a person not turning up to support a bereaved daughter/sibling.

[2gorgeousboys]

My parents attended my FiL's funeral recently and both took time off work to do so. They had met him and my MiL on family occasions but also wanted to support DH but we're also there to help support their children at their Grandfather's funeral. My grandparents also chose to come to support me, DH and my MiL.

I remember my maternal grandparents attending both of my paternal grandparent's funerals to support my Dad ( their SiL) and my mum.

But it is as others have commented a purely personal decision but I would go to support the bereaved.

[CocktailQueen]

Your mil's son in law has died and she's not planning on going to the funeral to support her daughter?? and nor is your h for his sister?? Bloody hell. Who can you rely on then, if not family?

Yanbu. They should go (unless there is some huge back story about fights and fallings out).

My parents will go to a funeral if they have the barest connection with anyone. This has got worse as they have got older.

[Basicbrown]

Your mil's son in law has died and she's not planning on going to the funeral to support her daughter??

I can just see the reverse here of 'wibu not to go to MIL's funeral because it's too far and we arent that close'. That would go well I'm sure

[hollyisalovelyname]

YANBU
I am at their attitudes.
But I'm Irish.
Funerals are a big thing here.