Hubby watching porn

[SarahJane333]

I'm not sure why this bothers me so much but yesterday morning I took the children to school, normally this would take about 35 minutes but I decided to drop them and leave as I couldn't get parked so I arrived home 15 minutes early. Dh normally leaves for work either just before I leave for school or just after but he was still at home. He was so startled when I walked in, rushing to put his clothes on and overly chatty about how early I was. After a few minutes I told him I thought he was acting shifty and wanted to know what was going on. He said nothing, was all lovely and affectionate and left for work. He pops back in twice for different reasons, meaning he's now going to be very late for work - something which can't happen when I want a hand with the school run. I think he was hoping to get hold of the laptop to delete the search history, which I've checked and shows he was watching porn. Now is it just me or is that a really strange thing to do at that time of the morning?!

Aibu to be really hurt that I'm rushing around getting our 3 children to school plus looking after our ebf baby and he's sat at home, by himself, having a wank? Not to mention that I'm not very happy with my body at the moment but I'm still making an effort, we had sex two days ago. Plus the dishonesty, he knew I knew something was off, I asked him what was going on and he acted like I was being paranoid, which I'm not generally. Wwyd now?

[LilacInn]

I could just as easily say no one needs to eat meat, eggs or cheese for survival. Those who do are making a choice of enjoyment at the expense of another's suffering.

[Goingtobeawesome]

People aren't "getting off" at the thought of women being abused. Stop being silly.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Lakiey - just saw your comment. What's wrong? Clearly there something is as you are trying to put me down to make yourself feel better.

Such a shame.

[BertrandRussell]

That's fine. Denial is a cozy place to be. Watch out for crocodiles.

I'm sure you'd be absolutely fine with your daughter sucking cocks on video for the minimum wage. Because if you aren't, but are happy for other people's daughters to, that's just a tiny bit hypocritical, no?

[AdjustableWench]

I wouldn't have a relationship with someone who used porn, especially if they lied to me about it. It's a deal breaker for me.

I do find it quite interesting in these discussions when people say that all men use porn but just don't admit to it. In fact I know quite a few men who are concerned about sexual exploitation, or about the semiotics, or even the sexist and racist and otherwise offensive descriptions ('blonde teen slut takes big black cock' etc). Why is it so hard to believe that some men find this kind of thing a turn off? No one doubts that the majority of men have used porn at some point, but it's slightly bizarre to argue that all men use it regularly or habitually.

If there were such a thing as ethical porn, I wouldn't have a problem with it. But I really don't think it exists. Even the so-called feminist porn I've seen tends to recycle the same tropes found in mainstream porn.

[Sallystyle]

You could easily say that, yes.

And if you did then I would say you are entitled to think I'm wrong to eat meat. I would even respect that view.

If you are happy to have an orgasm at the expense of women then go right ahead but my view won't change that I think it's a shitty thing to do and I wouldn't want to be married to someone who does it.

We all have our own boundaries and that is mine. If other women are ok with porn in their marriage then knock yourselves out.

Porn is a huge problem for society right now and it's only going to get worse.

[Sallystyle]

People aren't "getting off" at the thought of women being abused. Stop being silly.

Not at the thought of it, but regardless of the fact that many are abused.

It doesn't make it much better does it?

And many actually do get off on porn that depicts sexual violence and they tell themselves the women are enjoying it.

Crap, I just realised that I need to leave to pick my children up from school

[AdjustableWench]

Not at the thought of it, but regardless of the fact that many are abused.

... although... I do think that at least some people are getting off at the thought of it. I think that's part of the reason women are routinely described as bitches, sluts and whores, and why porn is so incredibly racist...

[19lottie82]

I'm sure you'd be absolutely fine with your daughter sucking cocks on video for the minimum wage. Because if you aren't, but are happy for other people's daughters to, that's just a tiny bit hypocritical, no?

No, I wouldn't say I'd be fine with it, but then again, I wouldn't be fine with them not going to school and working in horrendous conditions for 14 hours a day, at the age of 8, and if my adult DD had made a decision to go into the adult film industry, well that's her choice......... (I'm not saying every actress in the industry makes that decision, but it's a lot higher ratio than children who don't even get the chance to make a decision about what they do with their lives).

[Goingtobeawesome]

U2 - I wasn't saying these women aren't abused

[QueefRichards]

Literally all men use porn

No they don't.

DH doesn't. And before you tell me I'm naïve for thinking that and he's choking his chicken to hardcore shagging every time my back's turned, I think I know him better than any of you. I also know he hates porn, and hates the fact that there's even a chance that the women in it are being abused. He doesn't own a mobile phone or a computer, either, which makes porn watching pretty difficult. His friends feel the same way, actually, and are a pretty decent bunch of lads who don't need or want to see a woman possibly being raped to get their rocks off. So, er, so much for your theory.

I have had friends who work in the sex industry and I can categorically say that the majority of women in porn films do not 'enjoy' it and are often coerced into doing things they don't want to do. Addiction and abuse is rife in the industry. I know women who were 14 or 15 when they began their porn careers. Why would any man want to get involved in something so dark and seedy?

OP, if you're unhappy about the porn, tell your DH so. Also tell him that having a wank while there's stuff that needs doing is selfish, same as if he was gaming or watching a film or something.

[LittleWingSoul]

Pornography 'desensitising young people' - www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-36527681

This was on the news this morning... damaging to children, but for those who are au fait with adults doing it, at what age does it become ok? I know it apparently has a legal age limit but is easily accessible by anyone. Young men with damaged ideals of sex and women's bodies... how would that be overcome?

My OH is more of a prude than me and I know for a fact he doesn't watch porn. It is silly to say all men do!

Re the 'ethical' issues, I stand with Bertrand. Making ethical choices as a consumer is beyond the every day choices we can make, it would be a game-changing way of life to live 100% sustainably and ethically (I gave it a shot once - I think I came off as a bit tiresome!)

We make the small changes we can. Perhaps if people know more about the ethics of the sex industry it would eventually change the way it is perceived and how much it is consumed. Sadly... seeing sex is used to sell everything from beers to pop music it'll be a long hard road!

OP needs a conversation with her hubby about how it makes her feel and has every right to feel hurt. We all have different boundaries.

[blindsider]

Shinynewusername


Literally all men use porn

I am sorry that is rubbish - I don't. Who wants to watch someone with a much bigger penis than you denigrate Women, as let's be honest there isn't much to admire in your average porno plot...

[MeadowHay]

Genuinely just chiming in to add to the voices of women whose husbands' definitely do not watch porn. We got together very young, at first he used to watch porn but interestingly, only women with women (although if you think about it there are obvious reasons why). And so I did on occasion - again only women with women. Once we started living together we talked about it and both mutually decided we felt increasingly uncomfortable about. We also watched a few documentaries about people working in that industry that we found very shocking and I'm sure that contributed to our unease. It is an absolute lie that all men regularly watch porn, and I'm sure for a lot of them if they were better educated about the industry they would stop as well, lowering the number further.

[Lakiey]

I don't watch porn I'm a woman, I know some women watch porn but that's not the point. Most people on mumsnet are deluded and don't live in the real world, they live in their bubbles so your 'real' life is different from mine.

[TheNaze73]

Why are most people on here deluded Lakiey? What's the difference between their bubbles and your real world? Not being confrontational here, just trying to get my head around what you mean

[Sallystyle]

Most people on mumsnet are deluded and don't live in the real world, they live in their bubbles so your 'real' life is different from mine.

I am not deluded.

I have children, I work and go out and everything! No bubble here unfortunately.

Feel free to surround yourself with real people instead of posting with a bunch of deluded women though.

[Sallystyle]

Ahh people always say that others are deluded because they have to convince themselves that men are lying when they say they don't watch porn.

It makes themselves feel better.

[A11TheSmallTh1ngs]

People need to stop posting that their husbands don't use porn. You are making yourselves look stupid. You have no idea. If a man wants to post that he doesn't use porn, then fine. But posting about your partner is just speculation and is certainly NOT a good refutation of an academic study about porn use.

Also, it's perfectly relevant to bring up other ethical consumerism. if you are typing on an apple product, then you must love Foxconn worker abuse. I hope your fruit and fish are ethically source. Also meat is killing the planet but I guess extreme weather killing hundreds of thousands of people in Asia isn't important to you guys.

[Pohara1]

Both DP and I prefer to read erotica than watch porn. But, while, there are extremely unethical porn companies, there are ethical porn companies and female led porn companies too.

I have no problem with DP reading and having a wank, but he would never do that unless everything else had been done - kids off to school, fed, in bed, whatever.

So, OP, is it the porn itself, or that he's putting wanking (with porn or even without it), before the needs of your family as a unit that has upset you?

[QueefRichards]

People need to stop posting that their husbands don't use porn. You are making yourselves look stupid. You have no idea

Having a husband who doesn't watch porn makes me look stupid. Riiiiight.

How does DH look at all this porn then? Considering he hasn't got a phone or computer. Is he knocking a sly one out in the office with his staff for an audience? Do tell, seeing as you seem to know my husband, and everyone else's, better than their own wives do.

Also, I know for an absolute, irrefutable fact that DH wouldn't dream of watching women being abused for his gratification. He's just not that kind of a man. As I suspect others here know about their DHs. It's not speculation. It's fact, academic study or not. I'd tell him to post here to confirm it, but you'd probably say he was lying. Because all men use porn, don't they?

[LittleWingSoul]

I don't think it makes anyone stupid to believe some fundamentals about their own husband. I trust my husband and know him better than a stranger on the Internet knows him!

[LittleWingSoul]

We can share more intimate thoughts, feelings and secrets than whether or not he watches porn, come on!!!