Hubby watching porn

[SarahJane333]

I'm not sure why this bothers me so much but yesterday morning I took the children to school, normally this would take about 35 minutes but I decided to drop them and leave as I couldn't get parked so I arrived home 15 minutes early. Dh normally leaves for work either just before I leave for school or just after but he was still at home. He was so startled when I walked in, rushing to put his clothes on and overly chatty about how early I was. After a few minutes I told him I thought he was acting shifty and wanted to know what was going on. He said nothing, was all lovely and affectionate and left for work. He pops back in twice for different reasons, meaning he's now going to be very late for work - something which can't happen when I want a hand with the school run. I think he was hoping to get hold of the laptop to delete the search history, which I've checked and shows he was watching porn. Now is it just me or is that a really strange thing to do at that time of the morning?!

Aibu to be really hurt that I'm rushing around getting our 3 children to school plus looking after our ebf baby and he's sat at home, by himself, having a wank? Not to mention that I'm not very happy with my body at the moment but I'm still making an effort, we had sex two days ago. Plus the dishonesty, he knew I knew something was off, I asked him what was going on and he acted like I was being paranoid, which I'm not generally. Wwyd now?

[Lakiey]

GoingToBeAwesome

I think we've found the thick one, it's you.
Most men do use porn, they may tell you they don't watch porn but most men do.

[BertrandRussell]

Very sad you don't know nicer men.

[19lottie82]

Bert, sorry I didn't mean you personally, I was just describing a scenario.

But surely most of the people who shop in Primark, know how the company produces their clothing...... are they also all disgusting, in your opinion?

[BertrandRussell]

Ethical commerce is a serious and huge issue.

But I have never heard of people buying videos of people making Primark clothes and wanking as they watch.

[PumpkinPies38]

I think as a one off catching him would be no big deal. As long as porn is legal and not depicting anything abusive and as ethical as it can be I have no problem with it. It's the fact this is the third time and he's bunking off work to wank that's concerning.

[BertrandRussell]

"As long as porn is legal and not depicting anything abusive and as ethical as it can be I have no problem with it"


How do your decide whether it is?

[A11TheSmallTh1ngs]

Are people who have a problem with porn also making sure they don't consume:

• conflict diamonds
  
• conflict metals (enjoying your computer?)
  
• clothes produced with child labor (almost all of them)
  
• food produced by unethical companies (chiquita bananas has funded paramilitaries in south american countries)
  
• goods produced in countries with poor human rights records (cough china cough)
  
• online networks with dubious privacy and human rights records (e.g. facebook and google)
  

Make sure that you are going to be consistent in your criticism or it just sounds like people are using the human rights arguments as a figleaf for their discomfort. Which is fine. But it's silly to pretend that it's for some "moral reason".

[A11TheSmallTh1ngs]

Bertrand Russell

Please (without googling) name exactly which stores you shop in that have such flawless supply chains.

[BertrandRussell]

"Make sure that you are going to be consistent in your criticism or it just sounds like people are using the human rights arguments as a figleaf for their discomfort. Which is fine. But it's silly to pretend that it's for some "moral reason"."

Really? It looks much more to me that you are using "whataboutery" as a fig leaf for your use of exploited women for sexual gratification, actually.

[PumpkinPies38]

Bertrand

Looking at porn occasionally really is no big deal to me at all. I sometimes do it, I suspect my husband does but I haven't asked him because I don't really care. We have great sex life and a happy relationship. Porn just really isn't that a big deal to me at all.

[BertrandRussell]

"Porn just really isn't that a big deal to me at all"

Good.

I suspect it might be for the women making it, but, judging by this thread, most people don't care about them.

[PumpkinPies38]

Bertrand

I think the problem is you are saying that every woman involved in porn is a victim of abuse and I don't think you can confidently say that.

[BertrandRussell]

No. I am saying that many are. And it is impossible to tell the difference.

[Sallystyle]

Ahh my husband is lying again, says someone who has never met him. Some of us marry people who value honesty and wouldn't lie about their porn habits to keep us women quiet. It's also a deal break for him.

Someone with no imagination or realisation that all men are different and some actually care about women, they aren't all quite happy to wank off to porn knowing what actually goes on in the background. How some men can orgasm knowing how horrible porn can be for the women taking part is beyond me. But hey, plenty put that to one side for their own benefit.

So yeah, I could never remain married to man who is like that. I would think he was the kind of person who put his orgasm before humans and that's not someone I want to spend my life with.

[19lottie82]

But I have never heard of people buying videos of people making Primark clothes and wanking as they watch

Neither have I! But I'm not sure what your point is here?

Surely both are encouraging and promoting industries where people are abused?

How can one group of people be "disgusting", but the other isn't? (If that's what you're suggesting, you didn't confirm if people that shop in Primark and fund child seat shops are disguising or not? )

[19lottie82]

seat shops? sweatshops!

[BertrandRussell]

Sorry, not doing this. We're talking about porn. If you want my views on ethical consumerism, then start a thread about it. Do not use it as a smoke screen for your knowing exploitation of abused women.

[Sallystyle]

Only on mumsnet would someone be upset about their husband watching porn.



I actually am a real person. I also know many people who don't agree with porn who don't post on MN. I sadly know too many who hate it but don't say anything because they don't want to come across as insecure or a prude.

If you watch porn you simply don't care about the women involved. OR your orgasm is more important to you than a real human being. That is a true fact and nothing you can say will change that fact. I prefer to live my life with someone who respects women enough not to use them for a wank.

[19lottie82]

I'm not using it as a smoke screen. I'm basically trying to work out why you are so against people knowingly (in some cases) being indirectly involved with the exploitation of women within the porn industry, but you're dodging giving your opinion about people supporting another industry where young children are abused / exploited?

At the end of the day, it's 2 groups of people being taken advantage of / exploited. I don't really see what the difference is?

It's a perfectly legitimate discussion, so i don't see why you're bowing out?

[19lottie82]

You say anyone who watches porn is "disgusting"? But you still haven't answered the question about if the same applies to people who shop in Primark?

[LilacInn]

We aren't saying it makes the bad things good, Bertrand, we are saying that it makes a lot of porn protestors absolute hypocrites.

[BertrandRussell]

In an ideal world all commerce would be ethical. We all, I hope, do our bit.

There are some bits that are easier than others. it tales no effort at all to stop supporting the porn industry. Most other ethics choices are expensive, or require research and awareness. Not supporting the porn industry just requires you to say "As from today, I will no longer masturbate over a woman having a dildo shoved up her arse" Easy. Done.

[Flumpnugget]

I consider myself pretty liberal when it comes to sex / masturbation. However, I picked up to use the iPad once after I'd been out collecting & dropping kids at different activities and OH had left some pretty graphic images that he'd obviously been watching to wank to whilst we'd been out. It really bothered / upset me, I hear you, OP!

I didn't want to come across all mother-like and tell him off, but ultimately, the iPad is used by everyone, so could he kindly use his personal phone in the future, and also, could he not have possibly waited a couple of hours to bedtime? But then I don't really understand his high sex drive so I didn't comment about that.
Nothing has happened like it since and he apologised that he'd used the iPad.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

DH and my views on porn are the same - neither of us use it - so I'm not going to comment on that part of your post other than to say it's a discussion you are going to have.

My partner having a wank doesn't bother me in the slightest - however, if he'd sat on his arse or even just concentrated on getting himself ready for work while I ran about dealing with three kids and myself just so he could have five minutes for a wank then I'd take a very dim view of that. It's all hands on deck in the morning in my house, I'd not take kindly to my H prioritising wank-time over sorting out his kids.

[Sallystyle]

I don't shop at primark as a rule. The only time I have is when I've needed clothes but simply couldn't afford anything else.

I try to make ethical choices. I sometimes fail because I need things and my children need to eat and be clothed. I am not happy with unethical practices anywhere and I do the best I can, which when it comes to clothing is not easy at all.

No one needs porn for an orgasm, or if you do you have a big problem. I can't watch porn and have an orgasm knowing that women may have been raped for my enjoyment. It's easy to not exploit women sexually, just don't watch porn.

That doesn't make me a hypocrite.

We could play the 'what about' game all day long, the fact is if you get off on porn you don't give two shits about the fact that women may have been raped and all sorts, just as long as you get your orgasm.

Porn often trivialises rape, gives young teens the wrong impression of what real sex is, depict sexual violence and I could go on and on. It's a big problem for society and our children and it's very easy just not to view it, not so easy when it comes to buying food and clothes.

I am not going to throw my hands up in the air and say it's ok to exploit women because sometimes I have to buy food and clothes from places that exploit people.

Ethical commerce is an interesting debate to have, but this is about porn and when we get onto the 'what about' it's not easy to have a debate about the subject at hand, and that is porn.