Hubby watching porn

[SarahJane333]

I'm not sure why this bothers me so much but yesterday morning I took the children to school, normally this would take about 35 minutes but I decided to drop them and leave as I couldn't get parked so I arrived home 15 minutes early. Dh normally leaves for work either just before I leave for school or just after but he was still at home. He was so startled when I walked in, rushing to put his clothes on and overly chatty about how early I was. After a few minutes I told him I thought he was acting shifty and wanted to know what was going on. He said nothing, was all lovely and affectionate and left for work. He pops back in twice for different reasons, meaning he's now going to be very late for work - something which can't happen when I want a hand with the school run. I think he was hoping to get hold of the laptop to delete the search history, which I've checked and shows he was watching porn. Now is it just me or is that a really strange thing to do at that time of the morning?!

Aibu to be really hurt that I'm rushing around getting our 3 children to school plus looking after our ebf baby and he's sat at home, by himself, having a wank? Not to mention that I'm not very happy with my body at the moment but I'm still making an effort, we had sex two days ago. Plus the dishonesty, he knew I knew something was off, I asked him what was going on and he acted like I was being paranoid, which I'm not generally. Wwyd now?

[venusinscorpio]

I've said repeatedly that some people maybe exploited

I love the way you can only bring yourself to say it's a possibility that people are exploited in porn. Some of it, undoubtedly, is rape. And it's all out there a few clicks away.

[Sallystyle]

So, ethical porn though, that defy ok?

It is by me

Thanks for that link btw.

But to summerize, the point is it's a stupid question. You're asking for an absolute, and there are no absolutes. There is very little, if anything, anyone could say with absolute certainty.

Right. So you are basically saying that yes, you may have watched porn that involved women being abused and exploited. But as you don't know for a fact if they are or aren't you can put that to one side and not think about it?

Just say it. You may have watched porn with exploited and abused women in it but you don't really care. It's not hard to admit. Perhaps when you can stop mincing your words people won't need to keep asking the question.

[chilipepper20]

this idea comes up no and then and whataboutery gets thrown around and I think the point is missed. The mentioning of primark, diamonds, ipads and chocolate aren't meant to say you have to fight every battle to be reasonable person. for me at least, it's meant to point out the disparity between the dislike of porn and the consumption of other "needs". I've read some of the thread and I gather that people who watch porn should be round up for at least some reeducation, and definitely worse.

what surprises me is how often people are encouraged to dissolve otherwise healthy relationships over porn, and not give any of these other bad industries a moment's thought. or, if a moment's thought is given, it's just that. I have yet to see the "my hubby just bought an ipad" thread.

[Sallystyle]

VoD's answer to the question


Probably the same way that you choose the music, TV and film content you consume which doesn't involve the exploitation or abuse of anyone.

That's not really an answer is it. You have to wonder why that is the only thing you came up with.

[chilipepper20]

rude not to answer the OP...

yes, he was embarrassed. if he has time to wank, he has time to help with the school run. that's what I would be unhappy with. you of course may be different.

[venusinscorpio]

Because, chillipepper, shock horror - some people believe that watching anonymous women being abused or degraded at the click of a mouse may not be an altogether positive thing for a man to do in terms of his sexual "needs" and pleasure.

Yes, go and boycott Apple, by all means. I'm sure you will, won't you?

[chilipepper20]

Yes, go and boycott Apple, by all means. I'm sure you will, won't you?

I don't buy apple products.

And some people believe that buying electronics from a maker that has to regularly watch employees for attempted suicides may not be an altogether positive thing for anyone to do for his not-even-base-instinct "need".

[FlyingElbows]

I own precisely zero Apple products, do I get a bonus point?

[chilipepper20]

+1

[chilipepper20]

+1

[chilipepper20]

stupid non-apple product.

[venusinscorpio]

And some people believe that buying electronics from a maker that has to regularly watch employees for attempted suicides may not be an altogether positive thing for anyone to do for his not-even-base-instinct "need".

Yep, back to the irrelevant whataboutery. Good move, seeing as you don't have any other argument.

[kali110]

venusinscorpio i said it at the begining too. I'm not struggling to say it at all
Not all people in the industry are abused though.
Not all porn is abused people.
Depends where you go/what you watch etc.

[kali110]

chilli apple employers do what?

[chilipepper20]

Yep, back to the irrelevant whataboutery. Good move, seeing as you don't have any other argument.

as I said, it's not that I don't agree porn has bad aspects. Pretty much all the criticisms seem at least right in spirit, if not in actual fact. I am not disputing that. It's that one of these is a LTB offence to half the people here, and everything else is "meh". surely, all of these belong closer to the middle ground.

[chilipepper20]

apple employers do what?

apple I think may have addressed this problem, but apple was subcontracting out it's part manufacturing to a company that had such appalling labour practices that nets had to be installed outside the factory to catch the people regularly jumping out the windows.

[FlyingElbows]

Tbh I want to throw myself out the window if anyone tries to make me use an i-device. Can't really blame 'em.

[blowmybarnacles]

What about the OP?

will anybody think of the OP??

Op, did you discuss the porn with your DP?

[kali110]

chill thankyou for explaing that.

[imwithspud]

NRTFT (but I intend to), so sorry if the topic has moved on. Just wanted to add my input.

I really despise porn, the whole industry doesn't sit right with me, and it doesn't make me feel great from a self esteem point of view either. I also find it really unattractive and a complete turn off when I find dp has been watching it. There's just something a bit sad and pathetic about a 30yr old man getting his rocks off to some 18-20 year old on a screen, or any aged women to be honest. It's been a thorn in our relationship for years.

He's been given an ultimatum now. He stops watching porn or we will have to seriously reconsider our relationship - he knows I'm deadly serious. I don't want to end our relationship because of porn but I've spent years being completely miserable over this issue and I can't lead a life like that anymore. Relationships are about compromise and respect. I compromise on things for him, I cook meals that he loves that I don't like so he gets his favourites, I do all night wakings with the dc's so he can get a restful nights sleep for work, etc. I'm Not saying he doesn't ever make sacrifices for me, he does but this is the one thing that is really important to me and it hurts that he doesn't seem to get that.

Anyway op I would be livid if my dp went off for a wank (porn or no porn) rather than help me out with the kids. I would also be wondering how long has he been getting away with this for. Really not in, completely selfish behaviour, well done on calling him out on it.

[BertrandRussell]

The Ethical Porn Partnership is a wonderful idea.

Sadly, it appears to have been unsuccessful- very little activity on the website or twitter feed.

I don't know why that is, but I suspect it's because most porn users don't actually care enough to do the necessary research. Or would not be prepared to pay what it would cost for the industry to produce ethical content.

[FlyingElbows]

I'm not quite sure what it is he's "getting away with". Op took the children to school, came home 15 minutes earlier than usual and husband had not yet left for work. I'm not seeing the crime here. He didn't demand she remove the children from the house like some sort of serf. They went about their usual morning routine and the Op, coming home earlier than usual, crossed paths with not yet departed husband. His flapping and lateness then followed as a result. Chances are if op had been on time as usual husband would have been done and gone by the time she got back. He has not had a wank as some sort of insult to her role as mother and It's not a reflection on her physical being. That's a projection of female insecurity onto the actions of another. Men use porn as a means to an end because they like visual stimulation. There's no emotional connection, no desire for whoever they're looking at on a personal level when viewing generic porn (unless they themselves have issues. The documentary "Date my porn star" addresses that well.). Emotional and personal is how women think and how this topic becomes a problem. The key statement from the Op is that she lacks confidence in herself at the moment. That is a problem and it's one they can work on together if they talk to each other. It's so much easier to froth and blame and throw oneself on the old mummy martyr altar though (not that the Op gives me the impression that's what she personally is doing).

[imwithspud]

I'd say he's been getting away with shirking his responsibilities, doing his bit in the morning and helping op with the children, in order to sneak about and get his rocks off.

But I guess some people would be fine with that?