Hubby watching porn

[SarahJane333]

I'm not sure why this bothers me so much but yesterday morning I took the children to school, normally this would take about 35 minutes but I decided to drop them and leave as I couldn't get parked so I arrived home 15 minutes early. Dh normally leaves for work either just before I leave for school or just after but he was still at home. He was so startled when I walked in, rushing to put his clothes on and overly chatty about how early I was. After a few minutes I told him I thought he was acting shifty and wanted to know what was going on. He said nothing, was all lovely and affectionate and left for work. He pops back in twice for different reasons, meaning he's now going to be very late for work - something which can't happen when I want a hand with the school run. I think he was hoping to get hold of the laptop to delete the search history, which I've checked and shows he was watching porn. Now is it just me or is that a really strange thing to do at that time of the morning?!

Aibu to be really hurt that I'm rushing around getting our 3 children to school plus looking after our ebf baby and he's sat at home, by himself, having a wank? Not to mention that I'm not very happy with my body at the moment but I'm still making an effort, we had sex two days ago. Plus the dishonesty, he knew I knew something was off, I asked him what was going on and he acted like I was being paranoid, which I'm not generally. Wwyd now?

[FlyingElbows]

Like a lot of marital issues this one can be addressed by simply talking to your husband. You'll get loads of posters projecting their own issues all over you just as you are projecting your feelings about yourself on to your husband's actions. Just talk to him.

[CheerfulYank]

"Literally all men" do not regularly use porn and if you're not okay with it, you're not okay with it.

I'm not. I don't like porn and I don't like the way it's everywhere and I don't like what it does to people's brains or its contribution to rape culture.

I refuse to feel bad about any of this and act like I'm cool with something I'm not.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Everything Lurcio said. A lot of men probably don't know a huge amount about the porn industry and are therefore fairly ignorant to the issues Lurcio raises. But no, not all men watch it.

[Sallystyle]

Porn is a deal breaker here.

Wanking is none of my business like another PP said.

I wouldn't be happy about the porn but that would be because we decided 10 years ago that we wouldn't have it in our marriage and we both strongly disagree with the sex industry. If he was watching it then it means he lied to me about his beliefs and he wouldn't be who I thought he was.

There is nothing wrong with you being against porn but you need to decide if it's something you can put up with in your marriage. It's perfectly ok to say you don't like it. It's perfectly ok not to fall for the myth that ALL men watch it. They don't, although of course everyone has been exposed to it or watched it once when they were younger I'm sure.

As long as it is legal. It's not hurting anyone.

That's just simply untrue. It is hurting people, people just don't want to see it because they want to get their orgasm and they convince themselves that porn hurts no one.

Good luck OP

[BlackVelvet1]

I am not comfortable with porn either. I have no problem with masturbation but porn feels like cheating/perving.
Not sure what's the way forward for you though, you need to have a discussion and work out something you both agree with.

[19lottie82]

If you ask a man if he watches porn and he says no, more will be lying than telling the truth!

[19lottie82]

goat I would bet my life savings and my house on it. If you ask a man if he watches porn, and he says no, then you'd be very naive to believe them.

[Goingtobeawesome]

How thick that some people think all men use porn. Most might have looked at some point but not all men, every single man in the world don't use it.

[HostaFireandIce]

If you ask a man if he watches porn, and he says no, then you'd be very naive to believe them.

What absolute drivel. This sort of nonsense pisses me off because it's:-

a/ patronising. It's "I know your husband/brother/father/friend/son better than you do because I know everything about men and you don't because you're a naive loser"

b/ facilitating. It's another of those things that imply men can't help watching porn/cheating/not helping round the house/making misogynistic jokes because ALL MEN DO IT and therefore there is no point expecting that one man might not so you might as well just let him get on with it.

If you are not okay with porn, that is fair enough. I am definitely not okay with porn and there are plenty of men out there who don't watch it. What is more, there are plenty of men who don't watch it because they have no inclination to do, not just because there uncool wives are forcing them to suppress the urge.

[CheerfulYank]

Yes Hosta!

[HostaFireandIce]

*their My rage made me temporarily leave hold of my grammar!

[BertrandRussell]

Go hosta!

[LilacInn]

I would consider it his personal business. Not interested in monitoring what another adult, even spouse, does in private. Never understood why it's ok for women to police a husband's reading/viewing but if a woman came on here and said DH is controlling my entertainment choices he'd be called an abuser.

If division of household labor or "me" time is an issue, address that separately.

[CheerfulYank]

If I watched porn and my husband had issues with it I doubt anyone here would call him an abuser.

[pinkladyapple]

In any industry you are going to get unethical companies. So long as you use reputable sites, then what's the problem? It's so easy to say "yes well regardless of what you think, I know it's unethical so its always wrong" because it makes people uncomfortable to think that some women enjoy working in porn (including acting out scenes which may have kinks you don't approve of). The problem with this debate around porn is that I suspect even if I found an interview with a pornstar people would still say "yes but she probably was made to say that" or "yes but I know she is the exception".

Anyway, OP - I don't think there is an issue. From the sounds of it you're still having a healthy sex life and there are no major relationship problems. But I think you should own up to checking the internet history and talk to him about it. I'm not at all surprised he didn't own up to what he was doing - it is embarrassing even when caught by your partner - but there is an issue around you checking history instead of asking.

[BertrandRussell]

And as if by magic- the ^woman's fault!

[KayTee87]

The wanking wouldn't bother me at all, the porn not really either as long as it didn't affect our relationship. What might annoy me is that he doesn't mind being late for work to have a wank/watch porn but couldn't be late if you ask for help with the kids. Assuming I've read that right.

[19lottie82]

Hosta fair enough that's your opinion........ But I don't believe it for one second.

[BertrandRussell]

Which bit don't you believe?

[19lottie82]

It's ingrained to most of us that sex is dirty or at least not to be openly talked about...... So if you ask a random guy on the street does he watch porn, and he does? Is he going to admit it or deny it?

[LastGirlOnTheLeft]

My husband does not watch porn at all and would be very insulted if he was accused of lying about it so stop generalising lottie! He is extremely against it for all the reasons mentioned as he CARES about women and would not ever use their pain or abuse for entertainment. Any man that does is disgusting.

[19lottie82]

Last....... Obviously you can't tell with a lot of videos what women are being abused? So any man who watches any porn is disgusting in your opinion?