to be upset at constantly being left out of holidays?

[NeonPegasus]

DH and I have been together for five years. We have one daughter together, I already had three when we met and he has two lovely daughters as well. All the children get on well.

I haven't had a holiday for seven years. DH goes away with his mum and his daughters every year, but this year I've started to wonder why the rest of us aren't ever invited. I sometimes get a half-assed invite from his mum but I'm expected to leave my other three children (who've NEVER had a holiday) at home with family while I go, and I'm not really comfortable with doing that, it doesn't seem fair that I'm on holiday with their sister while they spend the week with my parents.

They decided they weren't going away this year. That it was easier to involve everyone if we planned lots of little days out instead, which I thought sounded like a great idea. We live in a place which is near enough to lots of attractions that we can feasibly do that without much difficulty. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, out of the blue this morning his mum decides she wants to go to Center Parcs, and she's booked it for them in August. As in her, DH and the three girls. I'm not expecting his mum to pay for everyone to go on holiday, by any means, but is it asking too much that I'm offered the choice to at least put money in so we can all go? I don't think I'd wanna shell out Center Parcs prices anyway (ouch) but I'm irrationally irked at not even being asked.

It's not like they don't all get time together, he has the girls every other weekend and they all spend that time together, he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking).

I'm an emotional wreck at this time of the month anyway and we lost my ex's mum on Sunday (who I was very close to) so I can't help but think I'm just projecting my emotional state on the nearest issue that's arisen but I'm so upset over it, which is really unlike me.

Bloody hell. The holiday situation is bad enough, but this happens every fortnight! And once a month your 3yo gets taken off you too. I'm incredulous.

OP, can you write down the points you want to raise, the solutions you expect and the implications if he doesn't do what any decent human being would do. By writing it down, you'll not forget one of the points that's irking you, and it will help you speak calmly.

Best of luck OP, you and your kids really do deserve better than this. Its an awful way to behave.

I think that what mil does with your Dh's girls are between them. She can take them on holiday if she wants, however she should do this on her own.

Dh and shared DD should do things with all your family or not at all.

Your responsibility is to treat all your children equally or you are storing up problems for the future. It is not right that shared Dd gets holidays and yours don't.

You have enabled it until now. Now is the time to stop this. Learn from the pps experiences above, where they still feel resentment about this type of inequality all those years later.

If it's too late to change the booking (and you could try to change it) then you take your kids including DD somewhere, so you have all three kids together. Not fair that shared dd gets two holidays this year but a stop gap until next year. Do not accept that your kids have never had a holiday but shared dd does.

DH will only change his attitude if you make him.

I am financially dependent on him yes, to whoever asked

if I left because I can't hack this segregation any more, I have no idea how I'd cope financially

Perhaps it will strengthen your resolve if you remember that before you became financially dependent on this man, you had three children that you were presumably living with on your own? Who was supporting you then?

And if it was the father of the child who was supporting you and your first three children, then you need to use this as an opportunity to think about ways to become less dependent on partners in the future. Money should not be the reason to stay in a situation that is so deeply unfair to three of your children. They will come to resent you OP, the injustice is so obvious.

Is his mum paying for it? I can kind of understand why she would pay for her grand children to go on holiday but not be able to stretch to your kids as well, but it seems a bit odd your dh going too and leaving you and your dd's without a holiday? Can you as a family afford to pay your share or do you get maintainence for your dd's that could be used?

hope it goes ok neon

as for other going on about prices youre missing the point they should either go all together or not at all

When you do sit down and speak to him, you may want to say that it is completely thoughtless, self centred and down right dysfunctional that he takes your shared child on holiday, Xmas at MIL's and stays with him once a month whilst he plays disney dad to his other children.....whilst you and her mother and her other siblings are sat at home like second class citizens.

I also would mention, that it's ok for him to spend X amount of money whilst away, whereas on the other hand telling you that you can't afford to do X......double standards there.

I also don't think that your MIL is nice. She's perfectly happy to snub you and your children. Whilst playing mummy .

This is what I would do:

Tell him that you are his wife and not some hired help/incubator or child that has to do what they are told.

Tell him that his children are to stay at your shared home once a month when it is his turn to have his DC.

Tell him That if he insists on going this time, then he will have to pay for you all to go there as well.

Tell him in future you will holiday as a family without MIL personally I would book something soon for next year

Tell him that Christmas Day will be spent together every year.

Tell him that it is not ok that he would rather piss you off, than disobey mummy.

Surely your youngest DD wants to be home with mummy at Christmas?! I'm gobsmacked but also open mouthed that you've let this happen.

But I think in families where kids have different dads there will always be inequalities. I know a lady who has 3 kids by 3 different dads. The eldest's dad is very involved, takes her dd on lovely foreign holidays, buys lots of clothes, day tips etcas do her paternal grandparents. The second dd's dad hads no involvement at all, she gets no holidaysas mum cannot afford it. I think it must be really hard for the kids involved and to a small child not old enough to understand , it must seem very unfair.

I agree Babyroobs which is why I wouldn't have had children with several different men. The OP's situation is different as her husband lives with her and generally speaking in a family unit families do activities such as holidays together. The whole blended thing makes it more complicated but I'm sure all would agree that this is definitely not right.

Your DH's primary relationship is with his mother, not you, his actual wife. This is wrong on so many levels.

I'm so sad for you and your DC, despite your protestations a 'good' person wouldn't treat their DC/SDC like this.

" clearly it's easier to say no to me than it is his Mum."
"I think he goes along with it for an easy life, honestly. "

As has already been said, if he wants an easy life you need to make it a hell of a lot harder to say no to you.

I do find myself wondering if his lack of backbone was a factor in the break-up of his first marriage. If his ex got tired of fighting the apron strings.

This is not the situation here, Babyroobs . I asked OP if the elder children's dad is around, because if he is, and does stuff with his three kids, then I could just about understand the MIL thinking.that those three kids get all that fun stuff with their dad, so she'll make sure that the other three kids get something similar with their dad.

I have not received a reply so I don't know for certain, but from posts so far, it doesn't seem like that's the case - for instance, when OP got invited to play happy families with all her DH's biological family, she was expected to leave her other children with her parents, not their father.

This is not a situation where one sibling has a father and the other just a sperm donor, and neither lives with them, whilst.the one live in parent does her best to treat both the siblings equally.

No, this is a man that is in the position of a father to 6 children, whilst being biologically related to only three of them, who thinks that biology is a good enough reason to treat three of those children - ajd their mother, who he supposedly loves - as second class citizens.

Do 'his' Girls go away with their mother as well? So get more than one holiday?

How old are the others?

You DH and children are one unit - his mother shouldn't factor unless you all are invited - or at least had a discussion about it and agree on a way forward

You really need to put your foot down. The Christmas and weekend situation is bonkers. I agree with the poster who said that he's already left you and not told you.

You can easily check whether there's availability at center parcs - and then get her to change it to a 4 bed place.

Because the separate holidays thing is just wrong

I'm going to put a slightly different slant on this from my own experience. My father is was the same as your husband. My parents split when I was 14 and he never invited us back. We saw him every weekend at my grandmother's house. He got a new partner and it was probably more than ten years before we met her. We were never involved in their life. No holidays, no Christmas no nothing. She had two daughters a year younger each than us and I wouldn't know them if I fell over them. So while in your story we would be the lucky holiday kids what we actually were were the kids he didn't care enough about to be part of his family. I knew that when my grandmother died he would stop seeing us at all and I was right. I feel most sorry for my children. It's not exactly the same (my grandmother couldn't afford fancy holidays) but it's worth considering that those children may not be as lucky as you could be forgiven for thinking.

Please resolve this before having more kids. It's just not fair on the kids you do have at this point.

More kids???? Please no. More kids for mil to hold hostage.

I'm not saying you should do this as it could be petty but what would happen if you said (about the youngest), "Actually dd is my daughter too and since I've never had a holiday with her I'l be taking her away this year so she isn't available for your mum's plans to Centre Parcs". It seems he and his mother have just been deciding what happens to your daughter with regards to holidays each year. She's your daughter too, why on earth have you never been on holiday with her? As she gets older she's going to start questioning why you aren't going and why she is having to spend every other weekend and Christmas apart from you. It seems she's getting all the trappings of parents who have divorced when actually her parents are still together! That alone (without even touching on the situation for your other children) is completely insane!!

Sorry. I'm so cross for you op. And after reading some horrible stories - flying. That was awful.

YANBU

DH and MIL sound horrible. Can you book something lovely for you and your DDs to do - DH can pay it back over the next year or so but you deserve a holiday too.

I would be absolutely livid in your shoes. You sound really downtrodden to be honest

Why can't he go on two holidays a year? One with his mum etc and one with his family? That wouldn't be unusual, especially if his mum has paid for CP so it isn't a financial thing.

Surely he must spend a fair amount when he's on these "freebie" holidays. He should be saving this to spend on you all!!