to be upset at constantly being left out of holidays?

[NeonPegasus]

DH and I have been together for five years. We have one daughter together, I already had three when we met and he has two lovely daughters as well. All the children get on well.

I haven't had a holiday for seven years. DH goes away with his mum and his daughters every year, but this year I've started to wonder why the rest of us aren't ever invited. I sometimes get a half-assed invite from his mum but I'm expected to leave my other three children (who've NEVER had a holiday) at home with family while I go, and I'm not really comfortable with doing that, it doesn't seem fair that I'm on holiday with their sister while they spend the week with my parents.

They decided they weren't going away this year. That it was easier to involve everyone if we planned lots of little days out instead, which I thought sounded like a great idea. We live in a place which is near enough to lots of attractions that we can feasibly do that without much difficulty. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, out of the blue this morning his mum decides she wants to go to Center Parcs, and she's booked it for them in August. As in her, DH and the three girls. I'm not expecting his mum to pay for everyone to go on holiday, by any means, but is it asking too much that I'm offered the choice to at least put money in so we can all go? I don't think I'd wanna shell out Center Parcs prices anyway (ouch) but I'm irrationally irked at not even being asked.

It's not like they don't all get time together, he has the girls every other weekend and they all spend that time together, he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking).

I'm an emotional wreck at this time of the month anyway and we lost my ex's mum on Sunday (who I was very close to) so I can't help but think I'm just projecting my emotional state on the nearest issue that's arisen but I'm so upset over it, which is really unlike me.

Sorry to hear about your ex mil

Good luck in your chat later. Stay strong. I hope you get this sorted for all your sakes or this marriage is done.

You need to keep you kids as equals. The Christmas thing has me boggled. I'd stop the 3 yo leaving your care.

Make damn sure that any time he gives in to his mother and screws you over, that does not give him the easiest life. Never ever the easiest.

Spineless men always oil the squeakiest wheel.

I had something A BIT like this.

When I first got with exh he had a son, due to the shithole he was living in, he took his son to his mums for contact weekend.

We moved out together and had DC but his mum continued to pick up DSS early on a Friday as this was the agreement and we would all trudge to hers EOW.

DSS was treated far superior to my DC, he had his own room there, tons of toys. They took main responsibility for him really, you could tell they loved it.

Eventually my DC got older and asked why they could never stay at nans and why DSS never came here, they didn't have a great relationship really. I got more and more insistent that DSS should spend his weekends with his father and half siblings. I got accused of being selfish and that DSS loved staying with nanny. Well yes he did but that was because he was being spoilt rotten but he should be with his dad.

Eventually DSSdid start staying with us, the relationship with his siblings improved and he used to really love it, still does stay with his dad and my dcs.

It effected exh bonding with DSS as he never really took responsibility for him and tbh that's probably why he left DSS with his mum for so long, as it was easier. He didn't have to buy him clothes or do the hard work, just got to hang out with him. Exh isn't a horrible person, just lazy.

Could there be an element of laziness there OP? It's easier to let his mum do it and pay for the holidays ect.

That is so bizarre and dysfunctional. And loveless somehow. Where's the being family together - siblings knowing each other, the family dynamic? That's been sacrificed.

I must be a horrid person because I'd never put up with this for a few weeks never mind years.

The bottom line is you are a family all together, all kids. I can't believe you spend every other xmas apart, so wrong. If MIL wants to spend time with the kids then she needs to organise this independently of your DH's visits. When your DH has the children it needs to be in the family home not MIL's, she can visit you!

I am sorry OP I think this thread has given you a bit of a wake up call and you must be feeling really confused. Good luck with your talk, be strong.

Why can't he go on two holidays a year? One with his mum etc and one with his family?

Because then his 'own' DDs are still getting more holidays than OP's. DH and I are together. If he went on holiday with his DM and our DCs but I wasn't invited it would be weird. That's what's happening in the OP but there are also some children being treated while others are being snubbed.

YANBU this is disgusting behaviour from them and you should be more assertive and protecting your self and your children from being so outrageously rejected! You are actually a family! The kids should stay at yours, cramped or not, and there should be an all or nothing policy for holidays. No fucking way Would I let any bitch MIL dismiss my children in this way, or any spineless man carry on like this either. Five years in... Just no bloody way!!

Also X number of annual leave days is not available to them as a family (presumably leaving OP to perform all the holiday parenting while her DH saves his annual leave for jollies she's excluded from).

I completely agree, but surely that is still better than half the family having no hols at all?

Wow,just wow....the more I read on this site the more surprised I am at what other women put up with..

There is no way I would put up with a husband who fucked off to mummy every other weekend and every other Christmas and every holiday!

If your DH didn't agree to tell his mother no, I wouldn't be in the house when he returned from yet another holiday with her. I agree with a pp, his primary relationship is with his mother which it totally wrong. Does he actually give a shot about your feelings because it doesn't sound like it. His mother clearly doesn't so long as she gets her son and 'real' grandchildren frequently!

I sincerely hope your talk world out. For your sake and your kids.

I really sympathise with your situation and it is good that you're sorting it now rather than in another 5 years

I'm glad you've got a backbone OP even if your Husband hasn't!

You need to make a stand for yourself and all of your DC OP otherwise all of your DC will look back on they're childhood and they'll ask what the hell was going on.

I wonder if it does come down to money and an unstated resentment (on his part and / or his mother's) that you don't contribute financially? Is getting some paid work feasible? You need your independence so you can pay for your own holidays.

is that really the point sparkle-he shodl be saying to his mother we all go together or not at all

It would be a good thing if you learnt to drive too OP.
Good with the chat.

Good luck that should have said.

Yes you have a massive dh problem here, and this would be a complete dealbreaker for me, sorry it would. He does not see you as a family unit, he swans off with his other family and his mummy, and leaves you and your your dd behind. He has not gumption and backbone, despite you telling him that this is unacceptable. No MIL should not pay for you all, but you should be going away with you, dh and your kids as a family unit.

Wow, to think you thought you were at blame at the start of the thread for feeling pissed off about it.
That's the way some relationships make you feel, like a naggy selfish person if you notice you are not treated fairly.
I don't think I could get past him being happy for things to go on like that for the past five years.

OP if your H can't stand up for you and your kids then take it in your hands. Tell him to send you the money each month for saving and you'll be joining. Be firm. All of the kids need to be treated equally.

It might well be the point. I have 2 DCs with DH - been together ages and not a blended family. He'd be well pissed off if I didn't contribute financially as that's what enables us to afford nice but non-essential things like family holidays. It wouldn't occur to me not to put money into the family pot.