Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at constantly being left out of holidays?

461 replies

NeonPegasus · 14/06/2016 14:53

DH and I have been together for five years. We have one daughter together, I already had three when we met and he has two lovely daughters as well. All the children get on well.

I haven't had a holiday for seven years. DH goes away with his mum and his daughters every year, but this year I've started to wonder why the rest of us aren't ever invited. I sometimes get a half-assed invite from his mum but I'm expected to leave my other three children (who've NEVER had a holiday) at home with family while I go, and I'm not really comfortable with doing that, it doesn't seem fair that I'm on holiday with their sister while they spend the week with my parents.

They decided they weren't going away this year. That it was easier to involve everyone if we planned lots of little days out instead, which I thought sounded like a great idea. We live in a place which is near enough to lots of attractions that we can feasibly do that without much difficulty. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, out of the blue this morning his mum decides she wants to go to Center Parcs, and she's booked it for them in August. As in her, DH and the three girls. I'm not expecting his mum to pay for everyone to go on holiday, by any means, but is it asking too much that I'm offered the choice to at least put money in so we can all go? I don't think I'd wanna shell out Center Parcs prices anyway (ouch) but I'm irrationally irked at not even being asked.

It's not like they don't all get time together, he has the girls every other weekend and they all spend that time together, he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking).

I'm an emotional wreck at this time of the month anyway and we lost my ex's mum on Sunday (who I was very close to) so I can't help but think I'm just projecting my emotional state on the nearest issue that's arisen but I'm so upset over it, which is really unlike me.

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 14/06/2016 15:50

It sounds like your mil doesn't invite your kids because she can't afford it and unless dh tells her that you could and would like to pay for them, she will continue to not know.

Original poster
NeonPegasus · 14/06/2016 15:52

In terms of a holiday without her - if I ask for one I get told we can't afford it. Our DD is three.

In terms of whether he feels bad about it, he says he'd rather not do it. But that means little to me when he goes along with it anyway and doesn't actually say anything to his mum.

Sorry if this is coming across as drip feeding I'm just trying to make sure I've replied to anyone who's been kind enough to give me their opinion.

OP posts:
Griphook · 14/06/2016 15:53

There has to be more of this than meets the eye surely? Your sc don't have their contact visits in their fathers home, that in its self is very strange. I think your problem is dh, you say he won't say no to his mum, but had he really spoke to her?

winningticketholder · 14/06/2016 15:53

Those children should be at your family home with their father on weekends surely? Do you have a room made up for them? Can you discuss any of this weirdness with the sdc's mother and come up with a working solution that suits everyone? I would not be able to live with all of this without worrying that the children are getting very mixed messages.

JessicaRabbit3 · 14/06/2016 15:56

I wouldn't be surprised if the ex is been used as an excuse and it's your MIL that's controlling the access making sure she sees her GDDs she clearly has no interest in your two other DD. What she like at Christmas time? Are the excluded does she buy Christmas and birthday presents? If your DH had anything about him you and your children would be included and you would spent time together as a blended family no desperately.

Rafflesway · 14/06/2016 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AllegraWho · 14/06/2016 15:58

Neon, in the nicest possible way... It sounds like you need to be scarier.than his mum in order to protect those of your children that are constantly being left behind. You can decide he is worth being a second class citizen for on your own behalf, but two of your children have no one else to stand up for them, other than you.

I would, at the very least, not allow my youngest to go away with them, so at least they can see that you treat all your children the same.

Original poster
NeonPegasus · 14/06/2016 15:59

I think he goes along with it for an easy life, honestly.

We would have to make the room for them to stay here and it would entail moving the kids around for the weekend but it wouldn't actually be any trouble. I'd be happy to do it. I'm getting fed up with living my life around what every fucker else wants all the time.

Guess I'm angrier than I thought...

OP posts:
Rafflesway · 14/06/2016 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandyMagnum · 14/06/2016 16:00

I'd tell them both, that your daughter will not be attending, and you and the 4 kids will be going somewhere else that week instead, and play it from there personally.

FeckinCrutches · 14/06/2016 16:01

The children have only been in your house TWICE in five years? Do they sleep at your parents house with him on a weekend?

FeckinCrutches · 14/06/2016 16:02

Sorry his parents house

Enkopkaffetak · 14/06/2016 16:06

I am another one who says do not allow your joint dd to go. Outright say " MY" children will not be treated differently.

My dad permitted my 1st stepmother to treat me differently to my sister brother (who lived with him) and her dd (who DIDN'T) live with them I am in my mid 40's and it still hurts. It ruined my relationship with my father and took many years to put back together. We have made a truce (my dad is not a bad person and has admitted he did wrong but cant change it obviously)

However you do ask yourself why your not good enough. As a child you cant reason things like that away. All I saw was my brother step sister and sister getting things and got to go on holiday I could only dream about.

You cant control how he goes about things with his dd's However you can certainly control how your children are treated and ensure that is equally. If MIL says anything just simply state " You can't expect me to allow my children to be treated differently" If she makes any sort of comment about her needing time with her half siblings point out she WILL be getting exactly that with her half siblings from YOU.

Original poster
NeonPegasus · 14/06/2016 16:06

Sorry the more I read what I'm typing the more fucking ridiculous it sounds. Yes, twice in five years. He has them every fortnight but takes them to his mums.

raffles this is my biggest concern already. I realised today I need to weigh up the chances of him ever actually saying no to his mum, and whether or not it's worth the effect it'll have on my children. it seems silly, to be considering my entire relationship on the basis of a holiday a Center Parcs, but I genuinely am.

Perhaps the issue here is that I'm allowing it to happen instead of putting my foot down or trying to sort it myself.

OP posts:
libellule1 · 14/06/2016 16:07

Channel that rage and let him know enough is enough. You haven't had a holiday in 7 years, he is getting one every year, and your kids are being left out.

2rebecca · 14/06/2016 16:09

I think you and your husband need to start working out HOW you both afford a family holiday. At the moment it sounds as though all holidays are funded by his mother which for 2 adults old enough to have 5 children between them is a bit odd.
In most families budgeting for holidays is just part of the finances.
You need to sit down and work out how you afford a holiday.
Can you get a job? You sound financially dependant on him.
At some point he needs to realise there is more to his family than his mum and 2 kids from his first marriage.
We both have kids from first marriages and sometimes go on holiday with them and not each other (usually due to hobbies and when we can get time off work not older relatives). We have holidays together though and both agreed the separate holidays (and now kids older so rarely happens any more). I would never have gone off on holiday with my dad and kids and left my husband and his kids with no holidays. That is just mean.

ElspethFlashman · 14/06/2016 16:09

So what exactly is your financial situation like?

Even if she pays for accommodation your DH will still have to put his hand in his pocket for extras.

This is only going to get messier. As the years go by your youngest is going to get very upset that Mummy isn't coming too.

That said it would not be reasonable to ask your MIL to pay for 9 people including herself. So if she wants to go on holiday with her grandkids I'm not sure how practical any other option is. I imagine the reason she's paying is because she wants to go on holiday with them and knows your DH can't afford a holiday?

In other words this may not be malicious.

iknowimcoming · 14/06/2016 16:09

I'm so shocked and saddened by this I don't really know what to say! The thought of you waving off your youngest with your dh and mil and sdds makes my heart break for you op! Tell him enough, everyone goes or no one goes and if he doesn't like it he can stay permanently with his mummy! Any idea why dh and his ex split up?

JessicaRabbit3 · 14/06/2016 16:09

OP you haven't answered what she like a Christmas time presents celebrations are they excluded?

thisonethennomore · 14/06/2016 16:12

I was reading this thinking of possible reasons how DH & MIL can justify this, but there aren't any.
I imagine it stems from the early days of his break up but things change, he has other DC to think about too.
I second the idea of you saying 'off you go to CP with MIL and her GC, the rest of us are going on holiday without you' then book a week in Spain.

Rafflesway · 14/06/2016 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dolkapots · 14/06/2016 16:21

What a strange situation. Does your DH get on with your dd's? Could it be that he does want to go on the holiday for a bit of a break (from your dd's) but does not want to admit this?

Regardless OP I agree with the pp who said that you have to make a stand. If he refuses to comply then please, please book a holiday for you and the dd's. How dare he get a holiday every year and you don't?! Do not be blinded by your love for him because it sounds like the feeling is not very mutual.

TheWordOfBagheera · 14/06/2016 16:26

It's not remotely about holidays though, so don't let them make you feel silly and as if you are stamping your feet because you (or your children) don't get a holiday.

It is entirely about you not joining in with or enabling a tiered system that the children will extrapolate their own worth from, because that will potentially have massive repercussions on their future self-esteem and mental health.

Original poster
NeonPegasus · 14/06/2016 16:26

Sorry I missed the Christmas thing - he has the girls every other Christmas, which he'll also spend at his mums. So he's here every other year, we aren't usually asked to join them (I did get asked one year, but my other kids didn't come and I hated it and went home the next day). She's given them gifts before but it's sporadic.

I don't think she's a bad person. I don't want to make out she's the devil incarnate because that wouldn't be fair - I just think she's so used to everyone giving her her own way she doesn't even think about how her actions are affecting other people. And it's DH's fault, as far as I'm concerned, for allowing it to continue.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 14/06/2016 16:29

Neon, does your joint daughter go off with him on his contact weekends? That's going to be deeply unfair when she's at school all week.

The whole setup is grotesquely unfair to you, and disrespectful of you as a mother. Not just the holidays, but the weekends too. Your husband needs to up his game dramatically, and I'm afraid you have to be the one to tell him do.