to be upset at constantly being left out of holidays?

[NeonPegasus]

DH and I have been together for five years. We have one daughter together, I already had three when we met and he has two lovely daughters as well. All the children get on well.

I haven't had a holiday for seven years. DH goes away with his mum and his daughters every year, but this year I've started to wonder why the rest of us aren't ever invited. I sometimes get a half-assed invite from his mum but I'm expected to leave my other three children (who've NEVER had a holiday) at home with family while I go, and I'm not really comfortable with doing that, it doesn't seem fair that I'm on holiday with their sister while they spend the week with my parents.

They decided they weren't going away this year. That it was easier to involve everyone if we planned lots of little days out instead, which I thought sounded like a great idea. We live in a place which is near enough to lots of attractions that we can feasibly do that without much difficulty. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, out of the blue this morning his mum decides she wants to go to Center Parcs, and she's booked it for them in August. As in her, DH and the three girls. I'm not expecting his mum to pay for everyone to go on holiday, by any means, but is it asking too much that I'm offered the choice to at least put money in so we can all go? I don't think I'd wanna shell out Center Parcs prices anyway (ouch) but I'm irrationally irked at not even being asked.

It's not like they don't all get time together, he has the girls every other weekend and they all spend that time together, he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking).

I'm an emotional wreck at this time of the month anyway and we lost my ex's mum on Sunday (who I was very close to) so I can't help but think I'm just projecting my emotional state on the nearest issue that's arisen but I'm so upset over it, which is really unlike me.

OP you not driving should not come into it. You can hire a mini bus and go together.

In my own family there was a similar sort of set up (although at least we went away together!) Quite often my step dad would go off with his kids whilst we were on holiday for trips/lunch/dinner and my mum and sibling would do our own thing. As it happened I preferred it this way (as he constantly gave his dc the upper hand when we were together) but it did mean that i never considered us to be family. It has affected my own marriage though; I often don't remember to factor in my own dh into plans as I was so used to my mum planning stuff for us independently.

I really am shocked that your so-called nice husband thinks that this is ok. Do you feel indebted to him in some way?

Do I feel indebted to him in some way - no, I don't. Selfishly, my only concern at the moment is if I left because I can't hack this segregation any more, I have no idea how I'd cope financially. Still, at the moment it feels preferable to being treated like an afterthought.

Mil is a red herring. If she wants to pay for a holiday for her gdcs so be it, you can choose to take her up on it or not.
It's the family holiday that is missing. You are dependent financially, and don't have a joint bank account. This is not good. You "ask" him about a holiday and accept the final say is his. You accept bonkers contact arrangements.
Suppose you were a lone parent - would you be happy having never given your dcs a holiday? This must include the time before your new dh appeared. Holidays are for many children their happiest memories, and you've deprived them of that.

No advice Neon, but wishing you strength to deal with it as it sounds like a horrendous situation which can't continue.

Sorry, I see it's no holiday for 7 years, not forever.

It's not about if you like center parcs. It's about making a point that the children are equal. If you (plural) can't afford for everyone to go to center parcs or one of the parents doesn't like the place it isn't suitable. Since that is totally lost on him I would be booking the trip and let him sort the finances. Worst case you stick it on the credit card and he can make some cut backs to his spending to make up the difference.

Since he won't speak up it is important you make a stand that he hears and feels loud and clear. Men who give in to their mothers do so because the mother is dominant and doesn't accept no. You need to do the same but with consequences so it's worse for him if he accepts his mothers wishes.

Btw I have a similiar mil. Total bitch for the way she treats her grandkids. Autistic son is almost always excluded and I had a blazing row with DH about it. It was sports day and I made DH leave work to attend our sons day. I don't feel guilty at all. I would have gone myself but was 3hr flight away.

OP's own 3 children have never had a holiday, even before op met her husband, and that's neither the DH or MIL's fault or responsibility.

i guess reading the comments over, and your response, you need to come to a conclusion on whether this is fighting for and taking further, or whether you want to drop it. i cant see your DH changing his ways, so its up to you on whether you can change your view on this. so make peace that you'll never get invited and holiday together, or if it really matters to you, have the discussion with your DH to tell him that its a deal breaker.

men can be spineless imo, more so than women. they will look for the easy option everytime from my experience.

i wish you the best of luck x

So you have never been on holiday with you third child?

Chic that is irrelevant. The kids are equal now they are a blended family when it comes to family holidays. The only differences that should come up are support for university and inheritance.

This is terrible. Don't let him do this to you all.

I would tell him it's all or nothing tbh.

OP's own 3 children have never had a holiday, even before op met her husband, and that's neither the DH or MIL's fault or responsibility.

That has nothing to do with the situation now.

Make ot harder for it tonsay no to you than it is to his mother. I honestly haye the ltb that gets thrown around on this site but this would be a deal breaker for me. Blend together as one or not at all.

Want2b that's the thing with blended families though, some are more equal than others but they never really are totally equal.

OP needs to take responsibility for taking her children on holiday.

I cannot fathom someone sitting at home with their children while their husband has a holiday with his first family, and her own children never ever having a holiday at all.

She says money isn't really an issue so I can't see why she hasn't ever just done her own thing instead.

There is another way to broach this, even if its just to put the shoe on the other foot with your DH. Stop the yearly holiday for your shared DD. You have just as much say in whether she can go as he does, just because MIL has made arrangements does not mean you need to give your permission. Perhaps say yes, she can go next year, but just as much as its good for her to holiday with her paternal half siblings she also needs to experience similar with her maternal ones - this year is the maternal side's turn.

It is deeply, deeply unfair that one of YOUR children gets to holiday every year whilst YOUR other three children have never been on holiday. You are brewing up a lot of shit in the future - much like Raffle said. Your daughters will resent you but they will also resent their sister.

Your husband has to shit or get off the toilet - either he fully accepts that you are a blended family and this means the children come to your joint home during access weekends and you holiday together regardless of his ex or mil - OR he finds himself truly single. It is unthinkable to me to treat my children differently and that is exactly what YOU are doing by allowing him to do this.

As you wrote, put your foot down.
Also unless he is the primary carer for your 3 years old DD, I would think she is too young to go on holiday without you.
TBH, reading behind the lines, it sounds like you MIL might have narcissistic tendancies. I would be very careful but you definitely need to tell DP that the situation is not acceptable and your wrath will be worst than his mother's.

I would insist that you book centre parcs, and not only that, but that your youngest stays with your three DC - don't allow her to become hived off to the 'better' family.

If you can't book to go at the same time, I would still absolutely refuse to allow youngest DD to go.

So is DH the only one who drives? And MIL has booked this without consulting him in advance?

At last, a genuine devil MIL on MN. OP, don't let her treat your DDs differently, put your foot down. She is out of order and so is your DH.

It is the DH who needs a kick, he married the OP and presumably agreed to be a blended family.

I really do hope you say something OP. This is pretty shocking.

here 4 bed that sleeps 8 people. For £800 near Plymouth, for 1 week in August.

I fully accept my own part in this, as others have pointed out. Better I come to my senses now than in another five years time though, eh?

I've taken all you've said on board, every one of you. It's a bit manic here in the evenings and I intend to sit down with him after bedtime and put my cards on the table, so to speak. I'll update those who want to know tomorrow.

Thanks for the support, you're all fantastic.

Sorry posted to soon, if you look on somewhere Owners direct you can get some reasonable holidays in self catering places.

WTF?!

Just that really. Your DH is a twat. I know it will be hard but put your foot down. This cannot be allowed to continue