to be upset at constantly being left out of holidays?

[NeonPegasus]

DH and I have been together for five years. We have one daughter together, I already had three when we met and he has two lovely daughters as well. All the children get on well.

I haven't had a holiday for seven years. DH goes away with his mum and his daughters every year, but this year I've started to wonder why the rest of us aren't ever invited. I sometimes get a half-assed invite from his mum but I'm expected to leave my other three children (who've NEVER had a holiday) at home with family while I go, and I'm not really comfortable with doing that, it doesn't seem fair that I'm on holiday with their sister while they spend the week with my parents.

They decided they weren't going away this year. That it was easier to involve everyone if we planned lots of little days out instead, which I thought sounded like a great idea. We live in a place which is near enough to lots of attractions that we can feasibly do that without much difficulty. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, out of the blue this morning his mum decides she wants to go to Center Parcs, and she's booked it for them in August. As in her, DH and the three girls. I'm not expecting his mum to pay for everyone to go on holiday, by any means, but is it asking too much that I'm offered the choice to at least put money in so we can all go? I don't think I'd wanna shell out Center Parcs prices anyway (ouch) but I'm irrationally irked at not even being asked.

It's not like they don't all get time together, he has the girls every other weekend and they all spend that time together, he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking).

I'm an emotional wreck at this time of the month anyway and we lost my ex's mum on Sunday (who I was very close to) so I can't help but think I'm just projecting my emotional state on the nearest issue that's arisen but I'm so upset over it, which is really unlike me.

What has he said about your youngest not being allowed to go?

I'm hoping he won't be able to talk you round with the "but mum's already paid for it line". That's her problem in my view, they can still go, they'll just have a spare bed.

Please try not to give in on this for the sake of your 3 girls and also to send a strong message to the controlling mother

You have made your point, and bloody well done. He sounds like he's saying the right things but I bet barriers will be put up as to why more contact and blending can't happen, probably his mum being upset she won't see her GC as much and he'll have to keep her happy of course. The "as much as we can" thing really stood out for me. To me it says he will make small token efforts (like his shitty day pass crumb) but he won't change the overall arrangements. I bet he is passing all this on to his mum if they are texting more than usual.

Good on you. It sounds very half hearted on his part, but give him a chance to improve once more, if the same old crap happens, show him the door.

Yes it does.

I hope you all have a wonderful time!

Agreed, primallass I think he's too conditioned to obey his DM at this stage. In the nicest possible way, Neon, I'm glad you don't own property together. Makes things a little easier if you do ever divorce (I'm not suggesting you will). Driving lessons are a very positive move, can you also look into any kind of part time work? If your DH doesn't change and continues this shit behaviour, financial independence and ability to drive will give you the confidence you need and make it so much easier to go out on your own with your DCs if it comes to that. I think this holiday issue could be a real catalyst for personal change for you. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst!

I agree neon either you and yours are welcome or you're not. If you're not why should you do anything to appease them?

He really is spineless! As for calling YOU selfish wtf! He needs to grow up!

The mortgage issue needs to be resolved and him fobbing you off and not telling you important stuff is ABSOLUTELY unacceptable.

As you're married, what's the situation with her mortgage if god forbid he dies? Are you liable?!

I think because you are younger (15 years?) he assumes more naive and trusting and he can get away with it. This man should know better. He is not treating you decently and behaving like you're in a partnership. He is keeping important information from you that effects you. I think his response to what you've said sounds half-hearted and he isn't going to be changing because of whatever nonsense is going on with him.

You are the easiest one to overlook and not listen too by the sound of it. You sound like the most decent one and are being too nice to bad behaviour. Don't regret your life. Move on if he won't take you seriously. You children haven't had a holiday for 5 years in your relationship with him, I feel very sad and angry for you and your children. You need to sit down and find out everything you want to know, mortgage on other house how long to go, etc etc get it all written down by him if necessary. Give him a questionnaire about things you feel are important that you need to know. Then he can't get annoyed and end up in some confused argument. Just stay factual. If he still won't engage I think you need to leave him sorry.

I actually can't believe you're married. It does not sound like a marriage.

I still don't get why his kids don't stay at yours. We have an airbed and a chair bed for GC's when they sleepover and they love them.
I bet they don't come to yours over the weekend. I expect his mummy is reassuring him that everything will go back to normal in a few weeks.

I'd be making plans to do nice things every weekend. Good luck - he really doesn't seem to be getting it at all

Without trying to sound patronizing op you have come so far since the beginning of this thread, from blaming yourself for your feelings, to accepting you are being treated badly and confronting it. Bloody good for you.

I'll second what Rabbit has just said. You are doing really well and I think it will take your OH back and make him realise he has to treat you as an equal.

Have you told him your youngest will be going with you, and not to CenterParcs?

Do his kids have their own room at MILs? Is he worried about them feeling second class by 'camping' / sleeping on the floor if the sleep at your house?

I think I would want to read his texts to his mum. I think it would be every revealing.

If he owns half of the ex's house (and mortgage) and dies will you own half the ex's house (and mortgage)? Has he made a will?

its really difficult when there are children from previous relationships and holidays, me and my partner both have children from previous relationships and none together. We've been on hols together and seperately and the kids go on holidays w our ex partners their respective parents i think its important to have some time all together on holiday and without mil! If you can't afford it then its unfair for partner to go, he needs to invest in your relationship as well and your daughters are also his step children and that has responsibilities as well. perhaps you could go on a cheap holiday like all camp together they may really enjoy that.

I think he's saying as little as possible and committing to as little as possible in the hope that all this will go away and can be swept back under the carpet. You will need now to be strong and resolute, so it's clear it won't. The Anne Dickson assertiveness books might be helpful, given that you will want to keep being assertive not aggressive (not saying that you have been aggressive, just don't even give him that excuse).

Blended families done badly are a very damaging thing. My parents had three daughters, they divorced when I was 13 and both quickly married other people, both with existing children (two daughters each). It is not quite the same situation as yours because the first family (my two elder sisters and I) sort of fell through the cracks. My parents immediately became involved in their new stepfamilies and regularly took them on holidays involving aeroplanes, which we had never experienced. Both sets of my grandparents also only had time for the stepchildren. For the record, I love my step siblings, two were younger than me and it was cool not to be the youngest anymore, I really love them, still do. So I guess I have that in common with your daughters. I didn't blame my siblings, I just was very isolated and very pissed off with my parents for not defending us. Fast forward to 44 and I have not seen my parents or stepparents for 2 years now and I intend to keep it that way. I don't intend to hack your post with my story, but I think you really cannot underestimate how divisive this all is.

I applaud you OP and agree with the poster who said you have grown through the course of this thread. I think you have a very difficult situation on your hands, because your DH has been parentified by his mum, possibly out of guilt and grief over his dad's death. He is acting very childishly, and that is a worry. Fwiw, I am having MIL issues relating to the gradual awakening by my DH that his mother is very controlling and treats the extended family very unfairly. He does not react like your DH though. But he is hard work sometimes, and it was only when I completely lost my shit that he started to wake up. I wish you all the best. This thread is a bit heartbreaking, but you should truly never feel ridiculous or ashamed. Your openness to advice is really really encouraging and you are a brave lady indeed.

Why are you still with him?

Neon, are you confident that it's MIL who's the villain here? It's just that your DH sounds a bit of a dick, frankly, and I wouldn't put it past him to have cast her into this role just because it makes life easier for him. Can't see from any of your posts that you've spoken to her and told her it's all a bit shit to separate your youngest from half her siblings. Yes, she should realise this herself - and she may have done so, but has been told by your DH that he doesn't want to do this.

Also, if you want to know more about this shared mortgage (and you absolutely should do), then don't bother with Zoopla - get yourself onto the Land Registry website and for a couple of quid, you can get a copy of the deeds, which will show who owns the property, and what charges are on it.

and finally (though this is maybe a bit of a rant on how much NRPs are obliged to pay to maintain their children) - he has a good job, and only pays £300 a month? I'd be pissed off if I were the ex, to be honest. Not to the extent of locking myself in a bedroom, but I'd be pissed off.

But good luck to you - get the driving lessons. I didn't learn till I was well into my forties - it makes such a difference to your life.

OP I would advise you strongly to get yourself to a solicitor to try to find out the lie of the land, something is not quite right here and you need to educate yourself on your rights just in case. Stop accepting what you are told about everyone involved as gospel. Knowledge is power. You are on the road to getting a say in your family's life - keep adding to the toolbox. Well done on the driving goal.

I agree with winning, in your position I would be hoping for the best but planning for the worst I'm afraid. You deserve so much better than this.

How did the weekend go Neon?

Hi ladies. Weekend was ok, he was home anyway, has the girls this weekend but nothing has been mentioned about us seeing each other at all. Nothing much has been mentioned regarding anything to be honest. Bit deflated.

Why don't you just ask him what time the girls will be arriving at yours on Fri/Sat? Force the issue? Good luck x

neon definitely do what love says. you've taken the bull by the horns so to speak, so don't let go now. He's hoping you will.