to be upset at constantly being left out of holidays?

[NeonPegasus]

DH and I have been together for five years. We have one daughter together, I already had three when we met and he has two lovely daughters as well. All the children get on well.

I haven't had a holiday for seven years. DH goes away with his mum and his daughters every year, but this year I've started to wonder why the rest of us aren't ever invited. I sometimes get a half-assed invite from his mum but I'm expected to leave my other three children (who've NEVER had a holiday) at home with family while I go, and I'm not really comfortable with doing that, it doesn't seem fair that I'm on holiday with their sister while they spend the week with my parents.

They decided they weren't going away this year. That it was easier to involve everyone if we planned lots of little days out instead, which I thought sounded like a great idea. We live in a place which is near enough to lots of attractions that we can feasibly do that without much difficulty. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, out of the blue this morning his mum decides she wants to go to Center Parcs, and she's booked it for them in August. As in her, DH and the three girls. I'm not expecting his mum to pay for everyone to go on holiday, by any means, but is it asking too much that I'm offered the choice to at least put money in so we can all go? I don't think I'd wanna shell out Center Parcs prices anyway (ouch) but I'm irrationally irked at not even being asked.

It's not like they don't all get time together, he has the girls every other weekend and they all spend that time together, he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking).

I'm an emotional wreck at this time of the month anyway and we lost my ex's mum on Sunday (who I was very close to) so I can't help but think I'm just projecting my emotional state on the nearest issue that's arisen but I'm so upset over it, which is really unlike me.

Not read the whole thread, but can I just stick up for the MIL here? Blended families more than likely weren't common when she was bringing up her children. You can't expect her to feel the same way about your 3 as she does her own Grandchildren or treat them the same. If your ex's Mother wanted to take your 3 away would you expect her to take you two stepkids as well? And that wouldn't be fair in them but when it comes to it they have different Grandparents.

There is no easy solution to the blended family situation.

If your ex's Mother wanted to take your 3 away would you expect her to take you two stepkids as well?

Um,

Posted too soon. Um yes.

Nope, Jessikita, you may not, at least until you do read the whole thread You might change your opinion by the end.

Blended families are not a new phenomenon though. In the pre antibiotic days, any minor infection could carry a parent off, and often did. Widows and widowers would often remarry. And decent people always treated all new family members with decency.

Cinderella ? Snowhite ? Hansel and Gretel ? They all utilise the archetype of the wickef stepmother, but make it quite clear that the creator of the tale thought that This Behaviour Is Not On.

Besides, even if MIL could be excused, DH condoning her behaviour is still a separate - and crucial - issue.

Jess the point is MIL is also missing out DIL who happens to be youngest GCs mum. It would not be so hideous if Mil was only taking the GC but she takes son too
And step kids don't see each other or step mum. Just weird.

What a ridiculous and divisive view

xsorry jess but its not the point she also doesnt invite her dil and expects her son to jut come alone with her gc while his wife sits at home

Things like this make me rage! You are NBU. I'm aghast that you have let this happen for so long. It's all family or no holiday in my eyes!

BTW Jess the OPs ex's mum is dead!

Having children from a previous marriage myself, this makes me incandescent with rage.

The MIL is, I suspect in cahoots with the mother of dh's other children who was clearly extremely jealous when you came into your now DH's life. They intend to exclude your other children and make your life hell.

It's an outrage. My DH treats all the children in this family exactly the same and would never suggest, nor would I allow, separate holidays like this - or worse some children having NO holiday.

Well done - really well done for trying to sort this out for your children at last.

Allegra and others were 100% right when they say that you need to become more 'scary' than his mother. This is key to success.

Also, I'm satisfied that by keeping your 3 year old with you, it'll A. Annoy the MIL intensely that she can't have all her grandchildren together, but way more importantly B. Show your other daughters that they're all equally important.

Please, please keep us updated and please don't give in even slightly. big hugs

I don't understand why the fact his DM was left a lot of money by his DF has much influence on this unless it is hinted that he will be left out of her will if he doesn't go along.

Also, when did his DF die, did he step into his shoes as man of the house, and that is the situation when the SDCs go to his mother instead of you.

He now can't stand up to DM as he would be abandoning her for you?

If your ex's Mother wanted to take your 3 away would you expect her to take you two stepkids as well? And that wouldn't be fair in them but when it comes to it they have different Grandparents.

I will reply to the rest of you in turn when I get the chance but I just want to respond to this -

She's dead. She was a wonderful, fantastic, amazing woman who always did her utmost to include the daughters I have who aren't biologically hers in everything because she felt it was the right thing to do. She loved my children, she put them at the forefront of everything she did. Unfortunately she died on Sunday (as stated at the end of my very first post) after a sudden and unexpected return of the cancer we thought she'd beaten. She was the sort of woman I hope I turn out to be for my grandchildren (biological or not).

Similarly, own mother and father invite DH and his children (and his mother, and his sister) to everything we plan to do as a family - they were invited to my 30th birthday last month, for example. This is because we are decent people, and this is the very least I expect from his side of the family as well. To feel included, and like I'm actually wanted. More importantly, that my children are wanted.

His dad died in a car accident in Kenya which resulted in a considerable amount of compensation. It was about 15 years ago. I don't see when he'd have time to have another partner to be honest - he leaves here for work at seven, comes home again at five, is here all evening. I have no doubts as to his faithfulness to me, I just think he's misguided and needs to grow a pair.

*my own mother and father.

Sorry, not with it this morning!

Neon - this is a really difficult situation and I feel for you.

The steps you are taking regards booking a holiday etc are a step in the right direction. However I feel some smaller changes need to be made also.

To reinforce the message that things are changing I think you need to try to spend more time with MIL and dh kids along with your three as a unit. I think mil is almost allowed to forget you and your children exist.

What about next weekend visit you and dc go as well even if only for an hour and a quick cuppa? Then keep this up each visit for a while even extending the time you are there. I know your dc aren't entirely welcome but I think if you persistently show her you are one family she may get the message as well as demonstrating to your husband how a family should work.

Or how about he brings his kids to your house (with or without mil) and start spending more time together.

You need to write down what you want to change then sit down and calmly explain why things have to change so that everyone is included properly including Christmas, perhaps add that your ex's MIL was always inclusive. It sounds like a sad situation you've fallen in to, but to take your own child away for a holiday without you must feel like the final straw and why things have to change.

You should be included in everything and if finding a cheaper holiday so you can go away together then that's what needs to happen. You can't continue being left out with your children it's like you aren't part of the family.

Some men are spineless and don't like to change the status quo, but it's still terrible that he is continuing like this going on holiday without you (and having a separate Christmas). Meaning you've never had a holiday together. Very sad, it's not healthy for the children involved and reading on here how it's affected people's relationships with their parents later in life you need to act now. Be strong, don't let him fob you off, but try and remain calm.

Isn't it possible that because you don't go over at the weekends and DH always goes alone that MIL may think you have a problem with her?

Your DH IS causing the split with the weekend/Christmas thing - the holiday is just an extention of that

Why might DH not want you to mix?

Do they go - when invited to your things?

Buy the sofa - tell they are all coming to you once a month (to start ) and then make plans together for that weekend.

Christmas will be your house-

I'm a suing that SD mom has them some Christmases?

I think if you act like a "bad penny" - always around mil & dh you could start asserting your authority after a while & be more in the loop when arrangements are made. I also feel if you push to get all the step and half siblings get together more things could snowball with his dc expecting you and your children to be around.

It prob sounds a touch manipulative but drop things in his kids ear about things you could all do together and let them pile some pressure on.

Is that wrong of me!🙊

Off on the school run in a second but a couple of things - he hasn't responded to what I wrote yet. I'll let you know when he does. I'm hoping because I wrote things down it will be a bit more coherent, I must have given the impression when I spoke to him it was about the money, though I'm not sure how because I never mentioned it.

What about next weekend visit you and dc go as well even if only for an hour and a quick cuppa? Then keep this up each visit for a while even extending the time you are there. I think this is where I'm going to start with the contact issue, alternately going there and inviting them here for a while as well. I feel forcing the issue and asking for them to be here straight away is going to be more trouble than I can feasibly deal with at the moment. I am going to buy a sofa bed as well though, just to show I'm not backing down on this.

At the moment I feel disheartened by his lack of response, but perhaps I'm being impatient expecting something that's been happening for so long to change now.

Gosh, Neon, well done for speaking out.
It sounds as if he panics in the face of any emotionally based challenge, rather than thinking it through . Panics when his Mum produces CP booking , panics when you challenge him. The ludicrous and insulting Day Pass thing sounds like a panic solution, too.

I too think the 'sides' thing is at the centre of this, and probably demonstrates the huge pressure his mother puts on him. Or the huge load of guilt and obligation and fear he feels in relation to her.

I wonder if calmly, gently but firmly getting him to unpick this and see for himself is a better approach than gearing up to be the stronger side in a tug of war?

From what he blurted out it sounds as if he does feel bought by his Mum.

Couples counseling? Can be good where you are not a natural talker and he is locked up? You may prefer to write than talk but you are highly articulate and emotionally fluent, a counsellor may help make a safe space for him to hear and think,

He doesn't sound like a 'bad' man or necessarily deserve some of the things said of him here, but you are right , if his behaviour, however motivated, is damaging for your children, if he can't / won't stop it, you have to remove yourself and kids.

Good luck, OP.

And you are his wife : he should be able to talk to you about his Dad. He is cutting off from himself a huge source of support. As I said: locked. It's sad.

I imagine it is terribly frustrating that he hasn't answered. It may take some time and he may not have had chance to even read it properly. If you can stay strong, it would probably be best to wait a while for his response before pushing for one. He will need to process what you are asking and expecting of him. It may also be something, he cannot think about until the weekend as to do so would jeopardise his ability to do his job at work. If he is going to his mother's this weekend, I would be tempted to tag along for a while at his mother's house and go off for a walk/drink and a chat and leave your girls with his mother - no request just that's what we are doing, I'm sure all the children will be fine for an hour. I can well imagine you could do with some space, just the two of you.

Neon you have opened the door to conversation. He probably does need thinking time to release what you are saying.

He is probably slowly realising that he needs to stand up to mil and won't be relishing the thought.

Stand firm & strong. The holiday is the last straw that broke the donkeys back but there are a 1000 others with it.

I can well imagine you could do with some space, just the two of you. very much so, and I've suggested as much. I even asked if, now DD is nearly four and capable of staying with my mum or sister for the night, perhaps we could arrange to go away just for a couple of days, one night, without any other distractions so we can actually talk properly to each other.

Unfortunately when I suggested it, the only way he could have appeared more disinterested is if he just ignored me altogether. I've been pushed back at every turn and I don't think I have anything else to offer, so I just need to wait until he's prepared to respond to what I've said.

Hugs Neon, he has to realise that your marriage needs some effort put into it. You are more than just a housekeeper. Stand strong & firm x