to be upset at constantly being left out of holidays?

[NeonPegasus]

DH and I have been together for five years. We have one daughter together, I already had three when we met and he has two lovely daughters as well. All the children get on well.

I haven't had a holiday for seven years. DH goes away with his mum and his daughters every year, but this year I've started to wonder why the rest of us aren't ever invited. I sometimes get a half-assed invite from his mum but I'm expected to leave my other three children (who've NEVER had a holiday) at home with family while I go, and I'm not really comfortable with doing that, it doesn't seem fair that I'm on holiday with their sister while they spend the week with my parents.

They decided they weren't going away this year. That it was easier to involve everyone if we planned lots of little days out instead, which I thought sounded like a great idea. We live in a place which is near enough to lots of attractions that we can feasibly do that without much difficulty. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, out of the blue this morning his mum decides she wants to go to Center Parcs, and she's booked it for them in August. As in her, DH and the three girls. I'm not expecting his mum to pay for everyone to go on holiday, by any means, but is it asking too much that I'm offered the choice to at least put money in so we can all go? I don't think I'd wanna shell out Center Parcs prices anyway (ouch) but I'm irrationally irked at not even being asked.

It's not like they don't all get time together, he has the girls every other weekend and they all spend that time together, he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking).

I'm an emotional wreck at this time of the month anyway and we lost my ex's mum on Sunday (who I was very close to) so I can't help but think I'm just projecting my emotional state on the nearest issue that's arisen but I'm so upset over it, which is really unlike me.

Helenn that sounds very odd are you sure the house will pass to you when your DC reach18 ? I know a few women who have just had to sell up as their DC have reached 18.

Neon - please get legal advice- even if you just start by posting in legal.

Neon, if he is still on her mortgage, does that mean he owns half her house?

It is bazar he hasn't sorted that out.

I hope you are doing ok in all of the last couple of days. What do your own family think of the situation?

If ex needs a guarantor for the mortgage and the only other person who can do this is her dad but he can't because he's self employed then that is not dh problem.

It is his problem if it means that his children will be homeless. I can see why he wouldn't want that to happen!

My ex is named on my mortgage. He does own his own house however but when we split he facilitated me being able to buy a house so that me and the DC could stay nearby. As he bought me out of the marital home and I was a sahm I had no ability to buy my own property and wouldn't have been able to have afforded to live here. So he facilitated me buying a house so the DC didn't have to move away.

I am self-employed and will be taking over the mortgage in my own right as soon as I have enough financial evidence to do so.

So he rents with you and actually owns half a house with his ex! Gets better really.

Why can't he take his own name off? Why does she have to do it? He doesn't want to do anything at all does he.

This is a weird situation. But i find it equally weird that you haven't had this out with your partner! This is definitely something which needs to be talked about. Your DC should go on holiday too. Also, as your DD grows ... it will look as though Grandma favours her sisters and that would cause all kinds of emotionl damage. (Take it from someone who knows)
Tell DH you are a family now and if there is some issue with his daughters spending time with you or their sister, then you heed to know about it.

I agree with other posts .... DH needs to grow a pair and tell his mummy dearest to butt out!!

As others have said, the mortgage thing is understandable in that, if she can't afford the mortgage by herself, then he needs to be on it. I don't think he CAN just remove himself from it - if it's a joint mortgage then they both have to sign off on him being removed plus she may have to be offered the mortgage in her own name, which might constitute a new contract and so on.
If he forces her to sell, to get himself off any mortgage with her, she won't be able to get a new one by herself (by the sound of it, if she needs a guarantor), so she'd have to rent, which is what you are currently doing.
So their DDs wouldn't be homeless - but none of you would actually own any property. A relatively normal situation is to keep the mortgage going on the family home until the DC are 18, then force the sale when the DC no longer "need" to be housed by a parent.

I think of ALL the things you have going on here, the ONE thing that stands out is that you don't really know what's going on in several important areas of life because he "fobs you off" or "shuts down" and refuses to engage.
This isn't acceptable in a life partnership. This is a form of abuse. This is "mushroom management" - keeping you in the dark and feeding you shit.

So I suggest while you're sorting this holiday situation out, you insist on clear and full communication in other areas as well, because this simply isn't working for you to be kept in the dark and fobbed off all the time.

What Thumbwitch said about the mortgage is right. You can't just 'take yourself off a (joint) mortgage'. If both parties agree one is to come off (or court orders you have to at least try) then the bank will have to do a transfer of equity from one to the other. This involves reassessing whether the remaining party can afford the mortgage on their own. If they can't, the bank won't take the other party off - both will remain liable whether they live there or not or whether one party stops paying or not. He could try and take her to court to force her to sell, but as a PP said it would also be forcing his kids out of the property. Many people do get stuck like this when they split - it's the flip side of having the security of a joint mortgage when a couple unfortunately. She could be lying about taking over the mortgage of course, but that's a different matter.

If she can't afford the morgage - wouldn't she be entitled t housing benefit in a rented property? Just a thought

So their DDs wouldn't be homeless

It's not clear whether the ex works or earns much. They would be homeless if the ex can't afford to a deposit or first months rent etc.

Is he actually divorced? they weren't married.

The mortgage thing I've let slide because at the end of the day, whether I see them much or not, I want his children to be comfortable in their home. If it does get to a point where she doesn't pay for any reason, I'll push for him to be removed, until then the kids are a priority in everything. All of them.

We talked again last night. He says he does see my point, and this is nothing to do with his ex (or his mum, but I'm still not convinced this isn't something personal) and everything to do with him not realising how difficult it would be to blend two families. That although he can't guarantee 100% everyone will be involved in absolutely everything that happens, he intends to make sure everyone is more involved with each other, including being home on contact weekends (though not necessarily overnight to begin with). He said 'major things' we will all do together 'as much as we can'.

It all sounded a bit like trying to keep me happy than actually wanting to do it. Actions speak louder than words, so whether it actually comes to fruition is another matter altogether. I think if he were going to tell her that, he would have done it now, not wait til next year when she starts talking about another holiday, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

He thinks I'm being stubborn and selfish over the day pass issue - that the kids won't see it as being left out of the holiday, they'll just see it as a good day out. I disagree, and I'm sticking to my guns on that one. The may not see it like that now, but they'll remember one day and realise how shit it was. I left it by saying it didn't matter now, he had his plans, I had mine, and we'd both be doing what we wanted. That from now on, holidays will be planned with everyone included, so it's not something I'm going to argue over. I got no response to that, which speaks volumes to me, but hey.

I don't think I'm going to get any more out of him than that, it seems like he sees it as 'sorted' and isn't going to discuss it further. So for now, I wait and see if he actually does what he's said he will.

I also have a funny feeling everything is being repeated to his mum anyway, she seems to be texting him an awful lot over the last two days. I don't think, no matter what, I'll ever really get him to cut the apron strings.

neon, has he accepted that your youngest DD isn't going to CP but is going on hold with you instead?

Well done for sticking to your guns. As you say, actions speak louder than words, but at least it's all out in the open now. When is his next contact weekend? Can you get him to commit to making a plan for it as a whole family? Even if hats just a BBQ at yours in the afternoon (great British summer permitting!)

Is mummy aware your DD is going well you not them?

I can't believe he is so thick not to realise daypasses are a joke? As you say actions speak louder than words. But if things don't change majorly I'd be leaving (or changing the locks).

Being fair you are getting lots of support from people on here. Its out of the blue to him so he probably does need to talk to someone, pity it wasn't a friend rather than mil. Does he have many friends?

OP, I think from your last post that you are making a bit of progress. I suspect that he doesn't really think that you will go on a separate holiday with your children so it is important that you do that with your youngest DD as it will hopefully making him realise what he and his mother are separating your family.

He may be trying to convince you that you are being "stubborn and selfish" regarding the day passes, but he is just saying that to try to keep the status quo because it is easier for him (i.e. he is the one being selfish). If your children only have day passes while their half siblings and step sibling are staying there it will really make them feel like they are second class.

Exactly what marynary said. It is so important that you stick with the Cornwall plan and taking your youngest DD. He obviously wants you to take the day passes instead of going away anywhere so he won't be missing out on anything. He's the one being selfish! What did he actually say when you said you planned to go away with all four of your DCs that week? I'd get it booked now and tell him after you've done it

OP, yes, you must stick with the Cornwall plan because you deserve a holiday but your partner also has to see that you mean everything you've said.

I'd already paid the deposit on our own holiday before I told him we were going - it's sorted. It's not anything fancy, only a few days, but I'm excited about it. Told him if he really wants to do something, buy a family railcard so I can get them places cheaper while he's away - we'd like to go into London one day and visit the museums and other places. We're going to have a great week, whatever happens.

He thinks you are being selfish? That's laughable compared to his selfishness in agreeing to a holiday that leaves out "your side".

Please do not let youngest dd go with them. That must be your compromise this year. And please do stick to your guns from now on.

What did he day about youngest DD?

We're going to have a great week, whatever happens

Great Stuff!!!!

I have a feeling your life is on its way to changing in more ways than you realise.

Yay!!! So your holiday is not the same week as his? Good for you booking it and paying the deposit-he can wave you off on holiday for a change! Family railcard is a great idea, you'll all have a lot of fun the week they are away, without going near Centre Parcs! Wouldn't it be a long train journey anyway?! You have made a stand and things are already changing for the better. Now, about those driving lessons....

Why isn't he now expanding his holiday to include you all?

I'm in the process of trying to find a driving instructor who's good with (very) nervous learners - my nerves are the reason I still haven't done any lessons at the age of thirty.

Posting here and the support I've been given has given me confidence in myself that I never thought I'd have again, which may seem odd but it's true. You lot are lovely.

I don't want him to, Prince. If we weren't welcome when it was booked and I insisted we be included, I'd go knowing we weren't welcome and I wouldn't enjoy it. By booking something else and taking the children with me, I think I've made more of a point than if I'd gone with them. If that makes sense?

He is absolutely delusional. My kids would point out immediately that they wanted to stay longer, and why weren't they getting to stay.

I don't think you'll win in the long run with this one OP, as he is just a selfish spineless bastard.