to be upset at constantly being left out of holidays?

[NeonPegasus]

DH and I have been together for five years. We have one daughter together, I already had three when we met and he has two lovely daughters as well. All the children get on well.

I haven't had a holiday for seven years. DH goes away with his mum and his daughters every year, but this year I've started to wonder why the rest of us aren't ever invited. I sometimes get a half-assed invite from his mum but I'm expected to leave my other three children (who've NEVER had a holiday) at home with family while I go, and I'm not really comfortable with doing that, it doesn't seem fair that I'm on holiday with their sister while they spend the week with my parents.

They decided they weren't going away this year. That it was easier to involve everyone if we planned lots of little days out instead, which I thought sounded like a great idea. We live in a place which is near enough to lots of attractions that we can feasibly do that without much difficulty. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, out of the blue this morning his mum decides she wants to go to Center Parcs, and she's booked it for them in August. As in her, DH and the three girls. I'm not expecting his mum to pay for everyone to go on holiday, by any means, but is it asking too much that I'm offered the choice to at least put money in so we can all go? I don't think I'd wanna shell out Center Parcs prices anyway (ouch) but I'm irrationally irked at not even being asked.

It's not like they don't all get time together, he has the girls every other weekend and they all spend that time together, he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking).

I'm an emotional wreck at this time of the month anyway and we lost my ex's mum on Sunday (who I was very close to) so I can't help but think I'm just projecting my emotional state on the nearest issue that's arisen but I'm so upset over it, which is really unlike me.

I really feel for you, you have obviously tried to resolve this so you can all holiday as a family and have not got anywhere, you are all part of the same family and should all be included in this sort of stuff so I don't thin your being unreasonable at all. Your options?
In my opinion:
A. Get all of your frustration out once and for all and put him and his mum on the spot and force the issue and deal with the backlash.
B. Stop tormenting yourself anymore and accept it as it is.
C. Simply not tolerate it anymore, walk away let them get on with it and you concentrate on being the good family role model.

I really don't think you have an easy choice unless you just accept it.
Good luck

B is not an option, others who have commented confirm damage done to kids in blended families who aren't treated equally.

It is a shame he seemed disinterested in spending time alone. He may well be frightened - as indicated by the incident with him sobbing behind the door. You seem very patient. It is good you have your own family support.

Runs I think right now Neon wants to just do A but with a bit of a softer approach if DH isn't getting on board. Integrating the family by stealth sort of idea.

So he doesn't even want to go away with you alone. I'm sorry to say he really doesn't sound invested in this marriage at all. I'd be asking him exactly why he was with me and if he gave positive responses, asking him to back it up with actual proof by showing you respect and putting you above his bloody mother.

Random thought whilst loading the dishwasher (as you do) - do you think I should be putting more focus on his ex, and less on MIL? I'm wondering, as I know so little about her other than how badly she behaved when she found out about me being pregnant, if she's being manipulative and she's got a bigger hand in all this than I've realised...

Or maybe I'm just looking for excuses for him because I don't want to accept that actually he's just being a bit of wet blanket.

I doubt this has anything to do with his ex, or not much. This is about MIL pulling the strings if he doesn't enjoy going on holiday with her but does anyway and the invitation isn't extended to you, that's her ignoring you and him not stepping in and overriding her wishes. I'd maybe ask him if he was keeping the girls away because ex has asked him to and see what he says. Ultimately this is about him being a spineless mummies boy.

I would query the fact he is still on ex's mortgage though! If she stops paying her mortgage, he will have to pay it.

I think it's a conversation to be had. Has the ex got a new partner? Another child?
It would be interesting to get his perspective on why is ex behaved so preposterously when you became pregnant, whether he has any fears that his ex may move and take the girls away with her, make access awkward etc.

But mostly it is all centred on him, isn't it? His reluctance (maybe fear) to change anything...for fear of what?

This is going to sound horrible, but are you 100% sure you weren't the OW? The entire split up sounds spurious at best and her reaction to your pregnancy and the fact you didn't meet MIL until 25 weeks pregnant makes it look that way. May also explain why you don't seem all that tolerated by either of them.

Either that or could it be possible that someone has portrayed you as that, and DH's lack of proactiveness means its become 'fact'. Sounds weird but this is what happened in my family - DFs ex cheated on him so he left and shortly after his work took him abroad, where he met my DM. DF returning with DM and a child on the way was taken as 'proof' of DF's affair, despite the fact DF and DM didn't meet until 6 months after he left his ex (and he hadn't even been working in DMs country that she'd never left before until afterwards too).

Regardless, you'll not get anywhere focusing on anyone other than your DH. If he isn't willing to change anything you wont get anywhere.

are you 100% sure you weren't the OW?

I think she'd remember.

I would query the fact he is still on ex's mortgage though! If she stops paying her mortgage, he will have to pay it she says she 'can't take him off of it without a guarantor' - and that the only person she can ask is her dad, and they wouldn't let him do it because he's self employed and too much of a risk. I don't think it's the truth, but I got tired of always having to ask why she wouldn't do it and gave up.

Has the ex got a new partner? Another child? she doesn't have a partner that I'm aware of, no other children.

This is going to sound horrible, but are you 100% sure you weren't the OW? It crossed my mind initially but I can't have been. They were living separately and had been for a year when we met, they definitely weren't together.

Yes MIL has a big hand in it, but he equally is a spineless wet blanket, it does not sound like he can or wants to change, you need to think long and hard about this, do you want this for the long term.

iceroad Even though neon is largely sure she wasn't, she wouldn't have been the first person let alone the first poster here to have believed someone but inadvertently been the OW.

neon it really seems like your existence is causing them problems of some sort, perhaps maybe MIL and ex always thought he was going/coming back. But then it sounds like he wet blanketted there too and suddenly presenting you as a fait acomplis has led to a giant mess.

Okay, I'm gonna be the devil's advocate now.

Perhaps the reason he didn't immediately jump up on the offer of spending more time together.is because he is actually struggling to process the concept ?

I mean, if all of his life up to now has been about being pulled in different directions, keeping other people happy, and being valued only for what he can provide for others - maybe it just didn't occur to him that you are not with him for the financial security he gives you, but because you genuinely love him ?

So perhaps the way to go forward is not to concentrate on MIL, and not the ex, not even on what's the best for the girls - but on what's best for him.

So here is MIL who values him for substituting for his father and providing grandchildren, as well as weekend, Christmas and holiday companionship.

Here is ex, valuing him for... Um, mortgage and respite from childcare ?

And here's you and your girls, who are clearly not valuing him for his fairness and fancy holidays, but for himself and for who he can become if he stops allowing people to pull him in all directions.

If faced with a choice like that he.chooses wrong, then I refer you to my initial asessment of his character, because if that's what he is like, he does not deserve you - not you, and not your daughters.

StrictlyMumDancing it was just a joke. You made a fair point. I should have added an emoticon!

Is everything you've said about his ex definitely true or is it just what you've been told? It's just her behaviour sounds very like your MILs, so either he married someone just like his mum first time around or he's using the ex as an excuse to go along with his mum and actually she broke up with him because she couldn't put up with her MIL any longer and has now just washed her hands of the whole thing.

ice sorry for misunderstanding, I'm clearly in a too serious mode at the moment!

I suspect the reason you're not getting much reaction from him over this, Neon, is that he's running scared. He's doing the "ostrich" thing of sticking his head in the sand and hoping and praying with all his might that, if no one does or says anything, you will get bored and let it all go back to the way it has been and he won't have to do anything uncomfortable like tell his mother to back the fuck off, or include everyone in "family" holidays.

In other words, he's being an utter coward.

I can see his point to some extent - you are the one upsetting the status quo, now, when you haven't before - but he Does Not Know What To Do.

Clearly standing up to his mother is well outside of his comfort zone, and possibly his understanding.
"Keeping both sides happy" suggests that what YOU want is most definitely NOT what his mother wants - this is Bad and he needs to work out a way to deal with this, very very fast. Before you take the decision out of his hands entirely.

I get that your MIL may not see why she should have anything to do with your DDs from a previous marriage, but that says that she only bothers with people with whom she has a blood relationship - so excludes YOU as well as your DDs. Which we have seen to be the case. In this day and age, it's really not an acceptable response - it's not the children's fault that they're not blood related to her, FFS! You don't/shouldn't punish children for something they cannot in any way help! I see that she might not want to pay for them, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be included - she can pay for whomever she wants, and you and DH pick up the rest of the cost, BUT you all go together. (Or, if she doesn't like it, she doesn't need to go with you).

I hope you can encourage your DH to actually face up to this problem - head-in-the-sand mode is just not an option now, he HAS to do something, however unpalatable it might be to him.

Very strange. Why don't you and DH plan a holiday yourselves? that's what most people do.

This is awful.

On a different note - could you get a set of intensive driving lessons soon? It would give you another skill for your future, whether with or without your husband?

Very strange. Why don't you and DH plan a holiday yourselves? that's what most people do

They did until DH had a better offer from MIL for him and his DC only

there comes a point when it is not reasonable for an ex to dictate where the DC spend their access time, surely.

It is not reasonable for half the family to be left out, and your DH needs to grow up a bit and stand up to his mother.

Actually your DH needs to say to her 'no, the whole family needs a holiday', and go ahead and book it.
If he wont do this, I think OP needs to seriously re-consider things.

Re the mortgage i understand she wont be able to doit alone but tehyre not together anymore and your married-if like others say she stops paying it falls to him could he afford 2 mortgages

she should sell up anduse the proceeds to rent or downsize

I'll admit I wondered about ow side of things too. Op you wouldn't be the first woman to be tricked/deceived nor the first to be perceived as ow even when you're not.

My ex's now wife was young (immature) and naive and utterly believed that we were in the process of separating, because she hadn't only heard it from him, but the other ow (loooooooooong story!)