To think not wanting to go to a Christening doesn't make me some kind of monster?

[Writerwannabe83]

I have a friend who I've known about 10 years, we aren't particularly close and see each other maybe once a month.

She had a baby girl about 2 months ago and there is a planned Christening for next month. I am not a religious person at all, I have been to a few Christenings in the past and found them very uncomfortable and so they aren't events that I go to anymore.

Anyway, I was sent a text message yesterday with the proposed date of the Christening and asked if I could make it? I asked her if I was obliged to come as I generally don't agree with them and feel uncomfortable attending them and to cut a very long story short she has hit the roof.

I have told her not to take it personally but she seems to take it as though I'm snubbing her daughter.

She tells everyone she is a Catholic and she has been Christened herself but she does not lead a religious life herself and she hasn't been to Church in about twenty years.

When I was engaged a while ago she told me that if I got married in a Church she wouldn't attend as she would thing it so wrong that I would step into a religious building and partake in a religious ceremony when I do not have a faith. I reminded her of this tonight and asked why am I now suddenly allowed to be in a Church and partake in a religious ceremony when she was quite nasty about the concept when I was engaged? She has now gone quiet.

I honestly don't think that me declining to go based on my own beliefs about religion is such a huge deal? I absolutely wouldn't expect people to come to a Christening of my child if they didn't have a faith or any religious beliefs or if they simply felt uncomfortable about the Ceremony in general.

At the last Christening I attended the whole Congregation had to join in with prayers and then stand up and recite phrases about how we would help raise the child and teach him how to follow in the Lord's footsteps and show him the righteous path of life etc and I felt very uneasy about it.

I have absolutely no problem with anybody having a faith or belief in a religion but I do resent being expected to participate in it and then getting laid in to when I say I don't want to.

I see on here, when Weddings are talked about, that we receive invitations and not a summons therefore declining the invite is perfectly acceptable so surely the same applies for Christenings?

You keep saying you like her but there is DEFINITELY some resentment /jealousy (?) there somewhere ..even if you don't realise it yourself. In the op you say she's not a very close friend ...but then why have you been doing so much for her??
Anyway fwiw I would have either:
Attended, all smiles, not participated in the praying. Then gently taken the piss about whole thing afterwards with DH
Or made up a brilliant lie excuse not to attend and sent a fab present to the baby instead.
I don't know why people feel the need to be so honest all the time!

The thing is she has had a very hard life, her family don't act nicely towards her, men take advantage of her and understandably she has huge issues in lack of confidence. She is very sensitive and can't bear the thought of not being liked. She's very much a take, take, take kind of character because she needs to feel like she matters to people, she needs their attention on her.

There are 7 of us in our circle of friends and we all find her very emotionally draining and quite hard work at times. She would never enquire about our lives and is generally never around when we're going through bad times but she wants all our attention to be on her and doesn't like it when it's not. She isn't the type of person you have a two-way conversation with as its generally a case of sitting quietly and nodding whilst she talks about the latest way she's a victim of some sort.

Considering how her life has been from a young-ish age she's done really well for herself, always worked and saved money, owns her own property, put herself through uni to get her degree, had the strength to kick out the abusive arse that is the baby's father and is doing a great job of raising the baby on her own but she's very needy and craves attention.

Underneath all her issues she really is a nice person but as a group of friends we make a lot of allowances for her because we know what a hard life she's had and how badly other people treat her.

Oh, dear. I'm afraid you offered a "non-apology apology." It wasn't much of an olive branch, just a repetition of your previous objections and a grudging "if it really means that much to you." If I were her, I would have probably told you not to bother. Her response was quite gracious under the circumstances.

Your friend's perceived "hypocrisy" is neither here nor there. For whatever reason, she has decided that a christening is a meaningful event that she would like you to be a part of. You aren't the morality police. It isn't up to you to decide whether your friend's reasons for the christening are suitably pious.

So either go to the christening to support your friend or don't go if you really have objections to the very notion. But for heaven's sake, if you do go, don't give the impression that you are there under sufferance.

But she does know I'm there under sufferance. She's basically blackmailed me into either going or the friendship is over.

Well, your posts about her are brimming with resentment. Do you care if the friendship is over?

Seriously, if you dislike her as much as your posts indicate, and you can't attend the christening in a spirit of friendship and support, why not just call it a day and move on from her?

So don't go.

It doesn't need to be political. It really doesn't.

dot - "Well, your posts about her are brimming with resentment. Do you care if the friendship is over?"

Sometimes I genuinely do wonder if she's just a friend because we've been around each other for so long and actually that our friendship is based more on being in the same circle of friends as opposed to actually how we feel about each other.

As a person she is quite hard to take to, I don't even know if what we all have with her is real friendship as surely friendships are supposed to be a two way relationships and she doesn't work like that.

I think at the base of the matter is that if we didn't all make allowances for her because of how hard she's had it and how awful her family and other people are to her I'm not sure she's the type of person we'd choose to have in our lives.

She's very Jekyll and Hyde, one day she can be lovely but then she can just turn on you if you don't do what she wants you to do. I wouldn't say we are all wary of her but we walk on egg shells around her so as not to do anything that might upset or offend her, it's tiring.

You really need to just back off from her OP.

I do get that you think you are being kind, but no one needs a friend that is only there out of pity.

Why don't you go for the planned lunch with her and try and talk to her about it all.

Sounds like you do like her deep down, but she's needy and a bit high maintenance, and in this instance I think is being quite unreasonable.

If you don't want to go to the christening, you shouldn't have to. That's not a measure of friendship. It sounds like you are a great 'friend' in the true sense of the word, and I wouldn't be offended in the slightest if one of my good friends didn't want to come to the church part of my baby's christening.

Texting can be a nightmare though - so many different ways to interpret what each other is saying. I'd talk to her face to face and try to agree that you will come along for drinks afterwards to see her and the baby and show your support, but as she knows, you would prefer not to attend the church ceremony.

Maybe I shouldn't go, maybe I should stop letting her push me around and actually for once not let her get her own way. Everybody is always doing what she wants us to do, or say what she wants us to say because we're too worried about upsetting her because she's had a rough time of it and that's not how friendships should be. It's always her way or no way.

Then perhaps the friendship has run its course?

Well our planned lunch isn't happening it seems. She was supposed to text me this morning to arrange the time but I haven't heard from her. My guess is that she doesn't need my cot bumpers anymore so now has no reason to come over

I'm supposed to be meeting up with my sister tomorrow night, I think I will hash it out with her. She doesn't want to go either but has also received the emotional blackmail. I think though that my sister is planning on doing what many on here have suggested, pulling out at the last minute with some excuse. I've told her I don't really think that's fair and she should just be honest about not wanting to attend but since she's seen verbally attacked I got by our friend for doing that she's decided that simply pulling out is the way to go. I can't blame her really as when our friend plays the wounded party it's such hard work. It's not worth the hassle as I now know.

Sounds like she wants pressies.

Just go late, miss the guff and do the party afterwards. Job done.

Oh for goodness sake OP. I hate to be abrupt, but you are really coming across as a bit silly and immature.

All this foot stamping about her getting her own way and the like. It's actually exasperating reading your posts as the way I see it, you are the one who wants to get your own way and aren't willing to accept that not everyone thinks like you.

I am actually flabbergasted at the amount of hand wringing that seems to be happening amongst your friends over this too, it's completely juvenile. Why do you have to 'thrash it out' with your sister?!

Just make a decision and stick to it. Like an adult.

Yes the OP is being immature for being fed up of her friend pulling the religious privilege card purely to get presents whilst pretending she will bring up her child to believe in a murdering judging imaginary friend. Grow up OP

I agree with Luckystar.

you are the one who wants to get your own way and aren't willing to accept that not everyone thinks like you.

My thoughts exactly. So much fuss about her getting her own way. She isn't a bloody toddler. Its not a power struggle. She hasn't made you do anything. You know what she is like, so you would have known how she would have reacted to your response. You say she is often like this so why act surprised this time?

Its all well and good making a mockery of religion and these occasions. But that isn't actually what this is about. Its about calling yourself a friend to someone you speak of so badly.

Scardey thats very cynical! You don't know the first thing about how the friend intends to raise her child. Nor is it anyone's concern.

To flip it on its head, I think baby naming ceremonies are a pile of shit, specifically designed to get gifts. I would still attend that of a friend's child (with a gift) if I was invited though.

It's been years since I attended a christening. I'm invariably "busy" and anyone who knows me l wouldn't even bother to invite me anyway as they will know that whatever date they pick I'll tell them I'm busy

Having said that I really don't understand the kerfuffle. A gracious decline with no reason given was all that was necessary.

Nor is it anyone's concern.
If you ask me to take time off work, travel half way across the country, buy a present, put on posh clothes, spend an hour or so listening to offensive claptrap that judges me because you would like me to celebrate with you a ceremony in which you promise to bring up your child in a certain way, then it is my concern that you do as you promised. I made the effort, you keep up your end of the bargain that you started, my concern.

You say you are not close, but then see her once a month. You did not need to tell her those things, just i am busy on that day, or I have plans and buy a little gift.

Bloody hell

Now you're going to hash it out with your sister?

what do you do in a real crisis.

You come across as though you think you are used.

If you feel that way cool things off a wee bit and don't take it all so seriously

I am actually flabbergasted at the amount of hand wringing that seems to be happening amongst your friends over this too, it's completely juvenile. Why do you have to 'thrash it out' with your sister?!

Believe me luckystar, if you'd had this person in your life for as long as we have, doing nothing but take, take, take and emotionally blackmail you all the time in order to her own way for as long as we all have you'd understand all the hand wringing, it's just exhausting. I was planning on thrashing it out with my sister because she knows exactly what our friend is like and it's good to just vent sometimes. I think our friend's reaction to me not wanting to attend the Christening, when she already knows I don't like them, feels like the final nail in the coffin.

What kind of person says "If you don't come then our friendship is over."? What option does that actually leave me? She just wants her way all the time.

aeroflot - I do see her regularly but I'm not close to her in the real sense of the word, I.e if something terrible happened or I was going through a hard time it wouldn't be her I would tell. I said before that friendship isn't a two-way relationship in her eyes and you can't be emotionally close to someone who thinks like that.

onlyscoop "You come across as though you think you are used."

This is exactly it, I am, and it's generally how she treats most people actually. She's nowhere to be seen unless she wants something

She's not long text me to say sorry she'd forgotten to get in touch but her dad had bought her some new cot bumpers last night so our dinner plans had gone out of her head.

She then asked me if I was definitely coming to the Christening now.

Have you cancelled the cheque op?