Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

To think not wanting to go to a Christening doesn't make me some kind of monster?

202 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 13/06/2016 22:19

I have a friend who I've known about 10 years, we aren't particularly close and see each other maybe once a month.

She had a baby girl about 2 months ago and there is a planned Christening for next month. I am not a religious person at all, I have been to a few Christenings in the past and found them very uncomfortable and so they aren't events that I go to anymore.

Anyway, I was sent a text message yesterday with the proposed date of the Christening and asked if I could make it? I asked her if I was obliged to come as I generally don't agree with them and feel uncomfortable attending them and to cut a very long story short she has hit the roof.

I have told her not to take it personally but she seems to take it as though I'm snubbing her daughter.

She tells everyone she is a Catholic and she has been Christened herself but she does not lead a religious life herself and she hasn't been to Church in about twenty years.

When I was engaged a while ago she told me that if I got married in a Church she wouldn't attend as she would thing it so wrong that I would step into a religious building and partake in a religious ceremony when I do not have a faith. I reminded her of this tonight and asked why am I now suddenly allowed to be in a Church and partake in a religious ceremony when she was quite nasty about the concept when I was engaged? She has now gone quiet.

I honestly don't think that me declining to go based on my own beliefs about religion is such a huge deal? I absolutely wouldn't expect people to come to a Christening of my child if they didn't have a faith or any religious beliefs or if they simply felt uncomfortable about the Ceremony in general.

At the last Christening I attended the whole Congregation had to join in with prayers and then stand up and recite phrases about how we would help raise the child and teach him how to follow in the Lord's footsteps and show him the righteous path of life etc and I felt very uneasy about it.

I have absolutely no problem with anybody having a faith or belief in a religion but I do resent being expected to participate in it and then getting laid in to when I say I don't want to.

I see on here, when Weddings are talked about, that we receive invitations and not a summons therefore declining the invite is perfectly acceptable so surely the same applies for Christenings?

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 14/06/2016 08:24

No need to go to a christening if you don't want to - absolutely fine.

Calling someone on hypocrisy in these circumstances - absolutely not fine.

Learning how to attend religious ceremonies belonging to people of different faiths to our own without making ourselves look like complete tits- an essential part of growing up.

pictish · 14/06/2016 08:25

I'm going to say yanbu. I share the discomfort you have over christenings whereby kids are indoctrinated to a religion from the get go. It's not my scene at all.

Only1scoop · 14/06/2016 08:27

Don't think you did yourself any favours here. I'd have just created a prior engagement if I'm honest.

I kind of see where you are coming from though....non religious people who never normally set foot in church and just rock up to Christen, Wed or tick in box for school applications do make me feel a little uncomfortable.

LizKeen · 14/06/2016 08:37

But who are you to decide that she shouldn't be having a religious service? Who are you to determine that her beliefs and attendance at church are not good enough to warrant a Christening?

It is not up to you to make a comment or take a stand on what she does with her life.

Just back away from her and leave her to it. You are not a friend to her.

1AngelicFruitCake · 14/06/2016 08:39

Great post thegreenheart!

originalmavis · 14/06/2016 08:43

As I always say on these threads 'Its not about you'.

ShanghaiDiva · 14/06/2016 08:48

Fine to decline
Rude to consider her actions hypocritical - up to her
As an atheist I would decline the ceremony but would like to go for the tea and cake afterwards. :)

marblestatue · 14/06/2016 08:51

But who are you to decide that she shouldn't be having a religious service? Who are you to determine that her beliefs and attendance at church are not good enough to warrant a Christening?

I agree. If churches were strict about who was welcome to have their child christened I'm sure a lot of people would be complaining about that.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 14/06/2016 08:54

Asking if you were obliged to go sounds petulant. If you'd asked if your friend would understand if you didn't go, given your beliefs then she might have been more understanding.

Vagndidit · 14/06/2016 08:57

Diplomacy and tact would have gone a long way, OP.

SirChenjin · 14/06/2016 09:03

I'm an atheist and find religious services of any kind rather ridiculous - just as people who believe in the various gods probably find my lack of faith ridiculous.

Otoh, I recognise that the religious services are important to the people who believe, and so I would have gone to support her but kept quiet at the bits where I had to speak. Getting into a debate about the merits of religion and religious behaviour at this time probably wasn't the smartest thing to do.

pictish · 14/06/2016 09:11

As I always say on these threads 'Its not about you'.

Yes it is. I have the autonomy to decide for myself which sort of event I will go to and which I won't. So does the OP.

Forgoing the Christening does not equate to forgoing the friendship or the child.

Marmite27 · 14/06/2016 09:16

We had our DC christened catholic a few weeks ago. One side of the family is catholic, the other is not. The only people who were expected to attend church were parents, godparents and grandparents.

ALL of our friends who were invited skipped church and went straight to the party. We even suggested they may wish to do this due to parking and the tediousness of a full catholic mass before the baptism. I don't understand why your friend is so upset.

marblestatue · 14/06/2016 09:17

I have a religious faith and would be quite happy to attend an event of a different faith a friend belonged to. I'd just not speak in the bits I didn't believe in. Yes, religious services can be dull, but I find the ones that are like cheesy TV entertainment to be worse.

pictish · 14/06/2016 09:17

I don't get why she's so upset either.

PurpleDaisies · 14/06/2016 09:20

I don't understand why your friend is so upset.

I wonder if it's the fact the op has been to other christenings but won't put aside her views for her-a supposedly really close friend.

I think the op is totally within her rights not to go but I can see how the friend might be pissed off at her when she has been to christenings before.

redexpat · 14/06/2016 09:25

YANBU. I don't go to christenings as it feels hypocritical and they are dull dull dull. I think actually it's OK to be honest sometimes and this is one of those times.

I think your friend has gone quiet because she knows you're right and doesn't want to admit it.

But yes she probably is tired and hormonal so has taken it to heart. Are there other things stressing her out I wonder?

RiverTam · 14/06/2016 09:27

Given the friend's stance in the past on this subject I don't understand a) why she's getting her child christened and b) why she's taking such offence to you declining to attend, given that she told you she wouldn't attend your wedding should you get married in a church. I wonder if she's aware that she's being rather a hypocrite and your comments cut home.

On, and the person who turned their back on the priest coming to shake hands with them? Shame on you, you rude baggage.

LizKeen · 14/06/2016 09:32

Yes it is. I have the autonomy to decide for myself which sort of event I will go to and which I won't. So does the OP.

Forgoing the Christening does not equate to forgoing the friendship or the child.

If the OP absolutely cannot bring herself to attend then that is up to her. But to be so abrupt with her friend, and then proceed to judge her friend for her choices is unnecessary.

Forgoing the ceremony does not equate to forgoing the friendship, I agree. But using your supposed friends child's Christening to make a stand on beliefs, and to be so judgmental of said friend does, IMO, indicate that you are not a true friend.

RiverTam · 14/06/2016 09:35

What about the friends attitude to her in this subject in the past, Liz? She said she wouldn't attained the OP's wedding if she got married in church.

pictish · 14/06/2016 09:37

What IS a 'true friend' then?

PurpleDaisies · 14/06/2016 09:38

liz friends understand when their different beliefs mean they can't always do what each other would like. I skipped part of a hen do of a really close friend because it was at a strip club-she didn't mind at all.

The potential issue here is the op has been to other christenings. I can see why the friend would be annoyed the op won't come to her child's.

LizKeen · 14/06/2016 09:41

It could be the woman's husband/partner or family putting pressure on. It could be what the wider family expect.

I don't believe in God. I do appreciate the sense of community and the general values of the Church we got married in. Both DH and I would have preferred a civil service, but getting married in church was something that was very important to both sets of parents, and the wider family. So we figured that we could put up with it for their sakes.

We actually became very good friends with the minister. We went for his guidance meetings. Aside from a prayer at the end, it was not really about religion at all. It was about practical aspects of being married. I declined being Christened myself, and I declined getting our DCs Christened. I expressed my beliefs (or lack of) to him, politely, and we had a discussion about it. He was fine with all of that and married us anyway.

I don't see religious ceremonies as an all or nothing thing. And any I have been to, from all denominations and faiths, I have yet to feel unwelcome.

RiverTam · 14/06/2016 09:44

Irrelevant. The friend told the OP she wouldn't attend her wedding if in a church. No different to what the OP is doing.

LizKeen · 14/06/2016 09:44

Are people not allowed to change their minds?

Am I tied to views I expressed in my teens, even now that I am nearly 30?

I think that OP touched a nerve perhaps. Who knows what is going on with the other woman.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9