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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think not wanting to go to a Christening doesn't make me some kind of monster?

202 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 13/06/2016 22:19

I have a friend who I've known about 10 years, we aren't particularly close and see each other maybe once a month.

She had a baby girl about 2 months ago and there is a planned Christening for next month. I am not a religious person at all, I have been to a few Christenings in the past and found them very uncomfortable and so they aren't events that I go to anymore.

Anyway, I was sent a text message yesterday with the proposed date of the Christening and asked if I could make it? I asked her if I was obliged to come as I generally don't agree with them and feel uncomfortable attending them and to cut a very long story short she has hit the roof.

I have told her not to take it personally but she seems to take it as though I'm snubbing her daughter.

She tells everyone she is a Catholic and she has been Christened herself but she does not lead a religious life herself and she hasn't been to Church in about twenty years.

When I was engaged a while ago she told me that if I got married in a Church she wouldn't attend as she would thing it so wrong that I would step into a religious building and partake in a religious ceremony when I do not have a faith. I reminded her of this tonight and asked why am I now suddenly allowed to be in a Church and partake in a religious ceremony when she was quite nasty about the concept when I was engaged? She has now gone quiet.

I honestly don't think that me declining to go based on my own beliefs about religion is such a huge deal? I absolutely wouldn't expect people to come to a Christening of my child if they didn't have a faith or any religious beliefs or if they simply felt uncomfortable about the Ceremony in general.

At the last Christening I attended the whole Congregation had to join in with prayers and then stand up and recite phrases about how we would help raise the child and teach him how to follow in the Lord's footsteps and show him the righteous path of life etc and I felt very uneasy about it.

I have absolutely no problem with anybody having a faith or belief in a religion but I do resent being expected to participate in it and then getting laid in to when I say I don't want to.

I see on here, when Weddings are talked about, that we receive invitations and not a summons therefore declining the invite is perfectly acceptable so surely the same applies for Christenings?

OP posts:
nobilityobliges · 14/06/2016 14:02

Why were you not bothered about getting married in a church but can't bear to sit in one to watch a ceremony you're not involved in Confused. And yeah of course it's dickish to decline because they ceremony "makes you feel uncomfortable". FFS just say you're busy.

Luckystar1 · 14/06/2016 14:33

Oh my goodness. I would've been so hurt if you had responded to any invitation in that manner. Extremely rude and self serving.

Just say you can't go. Ffs!

And that level of reasoning is bollocks. Would you not attend the funeral of a friend's family member because it was in a church?!

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 14/06/2016 14:56

"Thank you so much for the invite but I don't think I can attend. I hope it's a very special day and I'll be thinking of you all!"

Done.

As for if she texted back asking why, ignore it. You already declined. She's got a newborn and therefore other things to worry about.

No need to get into religious debate or argument over what was said and done years ago.

kali110 · 14/06/2016 15:35

nobilityobliges the op stated she didn't get married in a church....

I think it would be really rude to say you can't go to a wedding because you're too 'busy'.
I'd be more offended if someone said that rather thN it's against their beliefs.

Nanny0gg · 14/06/2016 19:49

You don't have to be 'busy'. There are plenty of prior family events that you could use.

Manners and kindness are really lacking sometimes.

BonnieF · 14/06/2016 20:11

I'm an atheist, and the way I deal with invitations to religious christenings, weddings funerals etc is 'Attend, but don't participate'. The ceremony isn't about me or my lack of religious beliefs, so I avoid causing issues for those who are participating.

I will stand and sit when everyone else does, but I won't kneel, bow, sing hymns or pretend to pray.

This approach has so far worked well for me.

NicknameUsed · 14/06/2016 20:16

That is a very sensible point of view BonnieF

BonnieF · 14/06/2016 20:31

Thanks!

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 14/06/2016 21:23

Excellent point Bonnie

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 14/06/2016 21:43

Well I have messaged her, apologised if I came across as rude but that I only meant it in jest seeing as she knows I don't go to Christenings and so I thought she was just being silly asking me, I,e she thought I would find it amusing. I told her that if it really meant that much to her then I would go and her response was: "Great, we've bought the date forward a week though."

That was it. No acknowledgement of how mad she had been at me last night and the way she'd gone nuclear at me, no acknowledgement of my olive branch or the fact I was going to do something I didn't want to in order to salvage (for want of a better word) our friendship, she just said the above.

Now she will think that if she stamps her feet hard enough she gets her own way. That sounds childish but she is prone to strops and enjoys playing the victim at times.

TBH I'm actually surprised she still even wants me to come seeing she knows I'm going to really not want to be there. I'm not sure I would want somebody at an event of mine if I knew they didn't want to be there and only attended because I'd backed them into a corner.

But anyway - the date is in my diary and I will just grin and bear it.

OP posts:
NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 14/06/2016 21:51

Oh dear.

Just don't go.

You don't want to.

She's moved the date up. "Oh, sorry, that's National Skip Church Day. Sorry! Have a lovely time."

Maybe she just didn't want to debate it anymore?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 14/06/2016 21:54

I was kind of hoping that she'd meet me in the middle, apologise for having gone nuclear but she had been upset by my response, say she appreciated my offer of attendance in order to show my support to her but that she understands why I don't want to attend and is fine with my decision.

Clearly I was being a bit too optimistic though.

OP posts:
TooManyMochas · 14/06/2016 22:18

Bonnie F Your approach seems completely sensible. I'm a pretty devout Christian, but will happily attend just about everything on that basis. For example I find Humanist celebrations of birth / marriage etc a bit 'meh' personally (not offensive or anything, just a bit empty), but I don't feel the need to volunteer that information to friends who kindly invite me to them. You've got a right not to go, your friend has a right to think you're being a bit obnoxious.

AyeAmarok · 14/06/2016 22:32

Did you mention the option of just going to the party afterwards in your text?

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 14/06/2016 22:47

Personally I think if a friend is important to you you should go out of your way to make them happy, including attending something that you yourself wouldnt participate in. It's not about you, it's about your friendship and like any relationship, friendships need affirming, signs that say 'I'm there for you'. Things like this may start off minor but will begin to chip away at the friendship. TBH you don't seem to zee eye to eye on much. Maybe fime to cool the friendship....
'

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 14/06/2016 22:57

In many ways I have supported her a lot, I spent many hours with her when she was struggling to breast feed, I sat with her until 3am on one occasion because she was so upset and having difficulties and I went round every few days to make sure she was ok. I have also been there for her when she was going though a very difficult time with the baby's dad after the birth (he actually has a restraining order now) and I would do her shopping for her when she was struggling to leave the flat because of the baby, I would cook for her, I would go to ASDA for her at ridiculous times etc when she needed supplies for the baby and couldn't get them herself, I have shown my support to her in lots of ways and she knows I'm here whenever she needs me.

I think I'm put out that after all I have done for her, which I absolutely don't begrudge, she's basically saying that my non-attendance at the Christening means I don't care whereas I think my support and help clearly demonstrates I do. Its like she's saying that my reluctance to go to the christening says more about my feelings towards her and the baby than everything else I've done for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 14/06/2016 23:04

Since she had her daughter we've spent a lot more time together than we ever used to, I wouldn't say it's strengthened our friendship but I would have thought it would have demonstrated to her that of course I care and her and her daughter and that's why I visit her a lot and just generally make sure she's ok (her family aren't very supportive towards her) but I feel like she's throwing it all back in my face purely because I don't want to go to the Christening.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 14/06/2016 23:07

So I'm confused now....are you going?

It sounds like she's been through the mill and you've been there for her.

I thought from your first update you'd agreed to go.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 14/06/2016 23:09

It wasn't until I text her this evening that I said I would go if it was really important to her.

I don't want to go but I was extending the Olive branch...

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 14/06/2016 23:11

It sounds as if she's happy you are going to go.

PurpleDaisies · 14/06/2016 23:14

If you're going to communicate by text it's a bit much to expect a detailed reply-like only1scoop I'd take what she said as she's pleased you've said you want to come.

You probably need a face to face meeting to sort this out.

NarkyKnockers · 14/06/2016 23:18

Please don't go if you're just going to put a dampener on it. You shouldn't have offered to go if you didn't want her to take you up on it. You could have offered an olive branch by simply apologising or asking about the after party.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 14/06/2016 23:20

We are supposed to be meeting up tomorrow and going for lunch. It was only arranged the other day and it was because she text me yo ask if she could have my no longer needed air-flow bumpers for her baby's cot.

Our friendship is quite one sided when I think about it, I do what I can in order yo help her out but I don't really hear much from her unless she wants or needs something.

I feel pretty angry about saying I would go now because I know that she will be chuffed that I caved because it her eyes itmeans I'm admitting I was in the wrong and she comes out on top.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 14/06/2016 23:25

Look, you're coming across as a bit of a martyr. If you don't want to go, just don't. Apologise for the way you worded it and move on. You sound like you're expecting her for fall on her knees in gratitude at your change of heart.

This is your decision-No one is either forcing you to go to the christening or be friends with her.

borntohula · 14/06/2016 23:26

what is the point of having your child christened if you don't follow the faith? i really don't understand... OP has described her relationship with her friend as not being 'particularly close', so why are people responding as though she's ruining her friend's life by not attending ?