To think not wanting to go to a Christening doesn't make me some kind of monster?

[Writerwannabe83]

I have a friend who I've known about 10 years, we aren't particularly close and see each other maybe once a month.

She had a baby girl about 2 months ago and there is a planned Christening for next month. I am not a religious person at all, I have been to a few Christenings in the past and found them very uncomfortable and so they aren't events that I go to anymore.

Anyway, I was sent a text message yesterday with the proposed date of the Christening and asked if I could make it? I asked her if I was obliged to come as I generally don't agree with them and feel uncomfortable attending them and to cut a very long story short she has hit the roof.

I have told her not to take it personally but she seems to take it as though I'm snubbing her daughter.

She tells everyone she is a Catholic and she has been Christened herself but she does not lead a religious life herself and she hasn't been to Church in about twenty years.

When I was engaged a while ago she told me that if I got married in a Church she wouldn't attend as she would thing it so wrong that I would step into a religious building and partake in a religious ceremony when I do not have a faith. I reminded her of this tonight and asked why am I now suddenly allowed to be in a Church and partake in a religious ceremony when she was quite nasty about the concept when I was engaged? She has now gone quiet.

I honestly don't think that me declining to go based on my own beliefs about religion is such a huge deal? I absolutely wouldn't expect people to come to a Christening of my child if they didn't have a faith or any religious beliefs or if they simply felt uncomfortable about the Ceremony in general.

At the last Christening I attended the whole Congregation had to join in with prayers and then stand up and recite phrases about how we would help raise the child and teach him how to follow in the Lord's footsteps and show him the righteous path of life etc and I felt very uneasy about it.

I have absolutely no problem with anybody having a faith or belief in a religion but I do resent being expected to participate in it and then getting laid in to when I say I don't want to.

I see on here, when Weddings are talked about, that we receive invitations and not a summons therefore declining the invite is perfectly acceptable so surely the same applies for Christenings?

YANBU
She is, like an awful lot of people who are suddenly religous when getting married or having a baby, a hypocritical arsehole.
Perhaps it'll be the nail in the coffin of the friendship.
Personally I'd have ended the friendship following the lecture over whether or not my marriage would have taken place in a church.
She sounds like a twat

No, we had a Civil ceremony.

She is odd about religion, she enjoys telling people she's catholic because 34 years ago she was Christened as one and apparently that fact means she has religious beliefs and so in some way that makes her a little bit superior to the rest of us.

a hypocritical arsehole

My response to her may have been considered rude but at least I didn't say that to her

You sound like you think you are superior to her tbh.

Personally I think that if you truly are friends then you put your own beliefs and judgements to one side and you show up for your friend.

You don't ask if you are "obliged" to attend. How could she answer that question anyway? Yes you are obliged. Would that make you go? Why ask if you never intended to go anyway?

I think YABU for your rude response to her invitation, and for your judgement of how she choses to live her life.

Do you actually, y'know, like this woman?

My mom turns down numerous social engagements, because she just doesn't want to go, or isn't into that sort of thing, etc etc. She is always very honest.
My response is always: Why? Why be so honest? Just claim a prior engagement, or if not plausible (because, as she says, her friends will know she is at home - they live near her) just accept and then cite a headache just before the event.
I know honesty is in most cases good - but sometimes a small lie oils the cogs of future social harmony.
Anyway, OP, it's done now. Hopefully your friend will get over it. If I were you, I'd just say sorry for hurting her feelings, and wish her and her baby well.

Just claim a prior engagement, or if not plausible just accept and then cite a headache just before the event

This is what another person had told me they are going to do and it just makes me feel uncomfortable. I think lying and telling her I'd go and then pulling out at the last minute would be just as rude as my having been honest with her.

I have told her they if she wants me to go then I will but I'm pretty sure the damage is done.

If religion was important to her and that the act of getting a baby of hers Christened was had some very deep meaning to her based on her faith then I probably would put my feelings aside, but my friend isn't bothered about the religion or the Church, that isn't why she's Christening the baby.

If a parent wants to have a day for people to come and welcome and coo over the new baby then that's fine, but don't use religion as an excuse to do it.

I am going to text her on my lunch break later, apologise if I sounded rude and that if I was welcome to attend the after-party then I would love to come along, but that my views about the actual ceremony haven't changed and then tell her again that my wish to not attend has. I bearing on our friendship and is just based on my personal beliefs about Christenings.

"I'm another one uncomfortable with Catholic christenings. I've been to one and really wouldn't want to go to another. Lots of talk of purgatory and Mother Mary claiming the child yadda yadda"

Really? Where was this, 1890?

YANBU, she is being pfb, and this is from someone who sent their child to a church school and had them christened but doesn't go to church often but has inner feelings of peace around Christianity but doesn't believe there is a God as such.

I can't explain how I feel around religion, I just feel this way. I admire your honesty and would not have been offended, in fact I might think "ooo good that's 15 saved on the food afterwards"

Nutella that's a bit extreme. What exactly are you afraid of? It isn't satan worship you know. There is nothing wrong with respecting other people's beliefs, and there is no need to be so dismissive and sneery about it.

Thanks for the update Writer. I agree with your points about your "friend's" hypocrisy, and agree that non religious people should have a naming ceremony if they don't have any kind of religious belief. My point about your response to her still stands though.

You don't have to believe to attend ceremonies in church to celebrate with a friend. I go to Anglican and Catholic ceremonies despite not being a believer, I have also been to Sikh and Hindu ceremonies. I know a Muslim who was thrilled to be invited to a Christian wedding. You turn up in behave respectfully dress appropriately and don't join in with prayers or hymns. You are there to support a friend in marking and important life event not to worship if you don't agree.

You should have just declined the invitation, without going into depth about why.
But personally I think YABU not to go just because you are not of that particular religion - you will not burst into flames if you go into a church to celebrate with your friend and her family!
I'm not Hindu or Sikh, but I've been to Hindu and Sikh weddings, and both of those couples came to my Catholic wedding and my DD's baptism.

Yanbu

Because it makes no sense for her to have this christening when she hasn't been to church for 20 years herself. How is she going to uphold the promises she makes- she has no intention to from the outset. So, what's her motivation? I think it's strange.

I would be much more respectful of her choice if she were religious as it would be a genuine ceremony.

I am a fairly regular churchgoer and have had all my 3 DC christened. My older brother really doesn't believe in anything religious, he has very strong views on it. I asked him if he wanted to be a godparent and and he told me that he would feel bad standing up and saying words and promises he thinks are ridiculous when the vicar and other people in the congregation really believe. I didn't mind at all. He did however come to the service, he just sat quietly and didn't do the prayers etc. I am grateful to him that he did that as he knew it was important to me.

The rude behaviour of guests at baptisms is getting much more of a problem. It isn't uncommon to have people chatting and texting all through the service. The sneering and backchat of the anti theists is another issue. As the priest I can see what is happening as I have good sight lines. I shouldn't be shocked that someone would turn their back on a priest who was tying to say 'peace be with you' but is sort of behaviour is becoming more common.

I now start each baptism service by asking the guests to turn off their phones, to join in the bits that are for them and I get them to practice those parts as they aren't used to being a congregation. Then I tell people that there are bits for people of faith to say and if they are not people of faith they do not have to join in.

Sometimes a big life event such as the birth of a child causes people to,reevaluate their priorities. That might include faith. It did for me and I rediscovered the faith of my childhood and early adult years. I'm now ordained. The OPs friend may be having similar feelings. If the OP really cannot bear to be part of the ceremony and sit at the back then don't go. Whether this is folk religion or the beginnings of a faith journey or an opportunity for a knees up this is the friend's way of welcoming her baby into the world with her friends and family. Getting into a debate about the rights and wrongs of faith is probably better done down the pub.

Posted too soon.

Rather than in the White Heat if a transitional family moment.

YANBU to feel uncomfortable. YABU in taking a stand on this. Plenty of attendees wont believe but are there out of respect/affection for the family. We wont get our baby girl christened and didn't marry in a church as it seemed hypocritical but I go to friends/family christenings whether they are doing them out of genuine faith or simply tradition.

YWBU to make a point in your response rather than simply politely declining. You're not 'obliged' to go anyway, as you must know, esp as you're not particularly close. I'm not surprised she's cross - there was no need for your grandstanding.

My friend is Hindu and when she gets married I will attend her wedding ceremony even though I'm
not a Hindu myself. I don't think it would do you any harm to attend.

However, I hate the hypocrisy with christenings. I've had people look aghast that I've not had my children christened, yet these same people call themselves Christian, say they believe in God but never go to church etc. Don't know how they can make promises in church knowing that they won't be going back and taking their child.

YABU. You knew full well you weren't "obliged" to come and just wanted to make a point about Christenings.

I think you were really rude n your response. You should just have said you were busy and couldn't make it. Asking if you were 'obliged' to come? WTF. It's not a summons.

At the last Christening I attended the whole Congregation had to join in with prayers and then stand up and recite phrases about how we would help raise the child and teach him how to follow in the Lord's footsteps and show him the righteous path of life etc and I felt very uneasy about it.

Well, yes, that is in fact the whole point of a christening - you're welcoming the child into the wider family of Christ and saying you'll all help to bring him/her up (it takes a village, and all that). If you don't like it, you could have stayed silent. Or stayed at home. Christenings are about the parents' beliefs - not yours.

But it sounds as if you and your friend aren't very well suited if she's gone off the deep end about this - so she is being U too.

Hear hear, thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts! Great post.

Ive no idea why youre getting such a hard time. I wouldn't go either. I went to a christening of a child whose mother isnt openly religious and its all about committing a child to god and religion. That doesn't sit well with me. Weddings are different because two consenting adults are taking part.

You were incredibly rude and tactless and there was no need to try and score points.

I'm an atheist and I see things like christenings and church weddings just a ceremony and some songs. Since I don't believe, the religious side is meaningless. I simply don't join in with the prayers. I don't have a problem with going into a church and joining in - with no faith it has no deeper meaning.

I have turned down the request to be a god parent twice though as it would be hypocritical of me to have made those promises. Although I don't believe, I respect other people's faith enough not to effectively make a mockery of it.