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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think not wanting to go to a Christening doesn't make me some kind of monster?

202 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 13/06/2016 22:19

I have a friend who I've known about 10 years, we aren't particularly close and see each other maybe once a month.

She had a baby girl about 2 months ago and there is a planned Christening for next month. I am not a religious person at all, I have been to a few Christenings in the past and found them very uncomfortable and so they aren't events that I go to anymore.

Anyway, I was sent a text message yesterday with the proposed date of the Christening and asked if I could make it? I asked her if I was obliged to come as I generally don't agree with them and feel uncomfortable attending them and to cut a very long story short she has hit the roof.

I have told her not to take it personally but she seems to take it as though I'm snubbing her daughter.

She tells everyone she is a Catholic and she has been Christened herself but she does not lead a religious life herself and she hasn't been to Church in about twenty years.

When I was engaged a while ago she told me that if I got married in a Church she wouldn't attend as she would thing it so wrong that I would step into a religious building and partake in a religious ceremony when I do not have a faith. I reminded her of this tonight and asked why am I now suddenly allowed to be in a Church and partake in a religious ceremony when she was quite nasty about the concept when I was engaged? She has now gone quiet.

I honestly don't think that me declining to go based on my own beliefs about religion is such a huge deal? I absolutely wouldn't expect people to come to a Christening of my child if they didn't have a faith or any religious beliefs or if they simply felt uncomfortable about the Ceremony in general.

At the last Christening I attended the whole Congregation had to join in with prayers and then stand up and recite phrases about how we would help raise the child and teach him how to follow in the Lord's footsteps and show him the righteous path of life etc and I felt very uneasy about it.

I have absolutely no problem with anybody having a faith or belief in a religion but I do resent being expected to participate in it and then getting laid in to when I say I don't want to.

I see on here, when Weddings are talked about, that we receive invitations and not a summons therefore declining the invite is perfectly acceptable so surely the same applies for Christenings?

OP posts:

NarkyKnockers · 13/06/2016 22:40

Did you or were you thinking of getting married in a church op?
I'm an atheist but I go to christenings as I want to be part of the day welcoming and celebrating the child. The prayers etc are just meaningless words afaic.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/06/2016 22:40

I do think christenings are all about the religion and the baby's indoctrination introduction to it, so they are totally different to weddings which are all about the couple making a commitment to EACH OTHER. I would be more than happy to attend a church wedding despite being an atheist myself, and of course same goes for funerals - the main point is that it is about saying a formal goodbye to the person (it just happens to have a couple of religious bits thrown in as part of the ceremony.)

Christenings frankly creep me out. I find them quite abhorrent. I can totally understand you, OP, but I think you maybe could have explained your true feelings in a gentler way so your friend didn't feel rejected.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/06/2016 22:40

I think your response was really rude and you could have worded it much better.

You don't ask if you're 'obliged' to go - you say that you're very sorry you can't go and you hope they have a wonderful time.

If pressed on why you can't go you say you're not comfortable in church and you reiterate you hope they have a wonderful day.

You only give a reason if you're pressed and you feel you have to - because really you don't have to.

FurryDogMother · 13/06/2016 22:41

As an atheist (humanist, actually), the way I look at it is that it's a social occasion. No one forces you to say any particular words/prayers, and you just stand up/sit down when everyone else does. I sit when people kneel, no one's complained yet. There are times and places to make a stand about your beliefs, but a friend's baby's christening is not - in my opinion - one of them. It's not a tit-for-tat situation, it's about being there for your friend and joining in her celebration. Just be nice - why wouldn't you be?

Queenbean · 13/06/2016 22:43

Christenings are an absolute snooze fest. I can't think of one redeeming feature of going to one. IMHO of course!

You messed up though by being too honest, you should've just said you were busy

Lilacpink40 · 13/06/2016 22:45

Personally I'd extend an olive branch of friendship and ask about the after party as she may jump at opportunity and you can both put this behind you.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 13/06/2016 22:46

narky - no, we were never going to get married in a Church as neither myself or DH are religious. She just said it to me as soon as she heard me talking about looking for venues..

If she was religious herself and truly believed in the faith herself then maybe I would be mote include bed to go as I know it was deeply important to her, but the fact that she doesn't really have any interest in the church or the religion just makes me feel even more strange about going.

Maybe I shouldn't have used the term 'obliged' but the the type of friendship we have is one of just not beating around the bush and just telling each other how things are.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 13/06/2016 22:46

I don't think you are friends. I think you are frenemies. You don't like each other but for some reason think you have to keep up this pretence that you are friends. This religion stuff is just an excuse to get at each other for both of you. Walk away. Don't waste your energy on people who don't enrich your life.

Whathaveilost · 13/06/2016 22:47

There is a few things I think.
First is that if you really don't go you shouldn't have got into a discussion, just decline and say you had a prior engagement.
Secondly you were invited as a friend to join their celebration not to convert your beliefs
Thirdly I have found that a quite a few Christenings I have been to is just a rite of passage and an excuse for a party.

A poster has talked about a catholic christening was about preaching about purgatory and the like is far from my expierence of a Catholic Christening. Both my two boys had a Catholic Christening and it was very friendly and the priest was very welcoming and explained to the non catholics what the ceremony involved and made everyone comfortable.

Mycraneisfixed · 13/06/2016 22:50

Christenings are soooo boring.

Howmuchisthatdoggyinthewindow · 13/06/2016 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisychain01 · 13/06/2016 23:04

I think you sound as bad and judgemental as each other. Why have a go at each other, what's the point

Probably best to be resolute in never ever discussing religion again. Then you can be the best of friends!

BiscuitMillionaire · 13/06/2016 23:08

YANBU to decline to go, and even to give your reason, but I think you should have put it a bit more diplomatically. Hopefully she'll realise she has been oversensitive once the pfb stage has passed.

daisychain01 · 13/06/2016 23:09

Being "honest" is often highly over rated. Especially with friends, and definitely about religious and political beliefs.

Saying you're on holiday is often the best way!

Taytocrisps · 13/06/2016 23:15

I don't think YABU but I think you could have phrased it a bit more diplomatically. Something like, "You know I'm not religious and I would find the church ceremony a bit uncomfortable. Is it ok if I join you afterwards at the party? I'd love to see you both on Baby's special day".

trafalgargal · 13/06/2016 23:17

I honestly wonder about people on here........Who with even the most basic bit of common sense would reply to any invitation with a stroppy 'Am I obliged to attend". It's incredibly rude - Frankly she probably doesn't care what your beliefs are- she invited you to celebrate her baby - and you replied in the most rude and boorish way possible - when if you are allergic to church services you could simply have politely declined the invitation (yes it was an invitation not a summons)

I wouldn't worry too much about the friendship- unless she is as hopelessly social inept as you are it's unlikely you'll be hearing from her -unless she has a very forgiving nature.

RunLillian · 13/06/2016 23:20

I asked her if I was obliged to come

Your views on the religious nature of the ceremony are a red herring. This was incredibly rude.

GabsAlot · 13/06/2016 23:23

dont blame u full pf hypocrites

oh im having a chirstening like its just a show off party-most of them never show their face in church again

nutellacrumpet · 13/06/2016 23:27

YANBU. If she wants to indoctrinate that poor child into religion then I guess she can. Why anyone with any sense would want to go and watch such a spectacle is beyond me. I think it is paramount to abuse to brainwash a child with such made-up nonsense from such a young age.

CalleighDoodle · 13/06/2016 23:30

nutella so youve not found yourself in the web of lies that is father christmas, eatser bunny, tooth fairy, elves....

SpunnyFoonerism · 13/06/2016 23:34

Well, the difference between getting married in a church as a not very religious person and attending a friend's baby's christening as a not very religious person is that by attending a christening you are supporting the friends choice. You're not an active participant. That's very different to getting married in a church, declaring your vows 'in front of God' and doing all the religious pre-marriage prep that's required if you want to marry in a church. There's no pre-attending-a-christening course if you want to attend a christening. You can just rock up as a non Christian and join in without commiting to any faith yourself. You're not saying 'this is what I believe in' if you attend a christening.

I would go to support a friend but obviously no, you don't have to and shouldn't be vilified. But your friend has an equal right to be less than pleased that you are deciding to not support her choice. She is being petty saying she won't come to your wedding if it's in a church as she should support your choice to do so if you wish. Did she say this after you declined the christening? I.e., is it tit for tat?

I'm not a fan of having a child christened and then the child doesn't see the inside of a church again until their communion but all that means is I don't have my child christened (there would obviously be an issue if DH wanted to have our children christened but he doesn't). It's not up to me to police other's choices.

marblestatue · 13/06/2016 23:37

I don't think judging her for her lack of previous church attendance is helpful. She's invited you because she'd like you to be there for an event that's important to her. Would you decline all events involving beliefs you don't subscribe to?

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 13/06/2016 23:42

Me and DH were married over three years ago and getting married in a Church was never going to happen, it wasn't even remotely considered.

My friend passed her comment that she wouldn't attend if I got married in a Church the minute I mentioned me and then my fiancée were starting to look at venues. It was a very random thing for her to say and she said it would be very hypocritical if I were to marry in a Church as I shouldn't enter religious buildings and partake in religious ceremonies unless I actually believed in the religion.

I would like to reiterate she has no interest in religion herself, hasn't been to Church in over twenty years and most likely never will again after the Christening and certainly doesn't live her life in accordance to the religion she's putting her daughter in to.

I'm not sure I'm the hypocritical one really.

I will accept that my response was a bit rude and I will apologise for that but I stand by the fact that I shan't be attending and if she wants that to mean the end of our friendship then there's not much I can do about it.

OP posts:

Originalfoogirl · 13/06/2016 23:49

I'm not a religious person, I still went to my grandmother in-law's funeral last week.

And I went to my cousin's church wedding.

If I were invited to a friend's child's christening, I would still go. Regardless of my own beliefs, if it is someone's belief that christenings are important, who am I to judge them and stay away.

It's an entirely different thing to attend a religious event as a non religious person, and to choose a church wedding when you never go to church and don't believe in God. That is hypocritical because the ceremony is about you. A christening is not about you, it is about the child and their family. Fair enough if she asked you to be a godparent you might decline on the grounds of having no faith, but to be so arsey about it as a guest is not nice.

TooMuchMNTime · 13/06/2016 23:55

YANBU
She knew the situation so if you'd lied and said prior engagement she's not have believed you
I completely see why you feel it's wrong for you to go
I take it you didn't have a church wedding btw? Seems an odd thing for her to have said.

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