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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think not wanting to go to a Christening doesn't make me some kind of monster?

202 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 13/06/2016 22:19

I have a friend who I've known about 10 years, we aren't particularly close and see each other maybe once a month.

She had a baby girl about 2 months ago and there is a planned Christening for next month. I am not a religious person at all, I have been to a few Christenings in the past and found them very uncomfortable and so they aren't events that I go to anymore.

Anyway, I was sent a text message yesterday with the proposed date of the Christening and asked if I could make it? I asked her if I was obliged to come as I generally don't agree with them and feel uncomfortable attending them and to cut a very long story short she has hit the roof.

I have told her not to take it personally but she seems to take it as though I'm snubbing her daughter.

She tells everyone she is a Catholic and she has been Christened herself but she does not lead a religious life herself and she hasn't been to Church in about twenty years.

When I was engaged a while ago she told me that if I got married in a Church she wouldn't attend as she would thing it so wrong that I would step into a religious building and partake in a religious ceremony when I do not have a faith. I reminded her of this tonight and asked why am I now suddenly allowed to be in a Church and partake in a religious ceremony when she was quite nasty about the concept when I was engaged? She has now gone quiet.

I honestly don't think that me declining to go based on my own beliefs about religion is such a huge deal? I absolutely wouldn't expect people to come to a Christening of my child if they didn't have a faith or any religious beliefs or if they simply felt uncomfortable about the Ceremony in general.

At the last Christening I attended the whole Congregation had to join in with prayers and then stand up and recite phrases about how we would help raise the child and teach him how to follow in the Lord's footsteps and show him the righteous path of life etc and I felt very uneasy about it.

I have absolutely no problem with anybody having a faith or belief in a religion but I do resent being expected to participate in it and then getting laid in to when I say I don't want to.

I see on here, when Weddings are talked about, that we receive invitations and not a summons therefore declining the invite is perfectly acceptable so surely the same applies for Christenings?

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 14/06/2016 23:26

You did the mature act of contacting her to start communicating again and she appreciated it. It is important to her that you're there so try to take happiness from that.

You won't have to actually do anything but sit and watch (and as others have said standing when others do as else you'd stand out).

It'll probably be shorter than you're expecting. Wink

PPie10 · 14/06/2016 23:28

That's quite a drip feed from you. You don't seem to like her that much. Why should she discuss your apology? If you meant it then you shouldn't be expecting one too.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 14/06/2016 23:29

purpledaisies - I feel like she's forcing me to go. During her tirade towards me last night she was basically saying that if I didn't go it meant I didn't care and therefore we may as well put an end to the friendship.

How is that not forcing me to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 14/06/2016 23:30

PPie - of course I like her, why else would I have been there for her so much when she was struggling with a new baby?

OP posts:
wurlycurly · 14/06/2016 23:31

I find these events are about community more than they are about anything else. I say this as a catholic who doesn't believe in God. I don't understand the horror people express about having to wish someone peace? No wonder the world is in bother!

PurpleDaisies · 14/06/2016 23:32

How is that not forcing me to go?

Now come on. Are you a grown up or not? She is not forcing you to go-you are choosing to go. She does not have a gun to your head. Why would you child to be friends with this person when you really don't seem to like her very much?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 14/06/2016 23:34

purpledaisies - so you think I shouldn't go and as a result lose my friendship with her?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 14/06/2016 23:34

Missed your second post. If you are such good friends and you like her so much why are you so unwilling to put aside your feelings and go to the christening, or why doesn't she understand that it's a matter of principle and you don't want to go?

2nds · 14/06/2016 23:35

Why remind her about a conversation you had about your engagement and you getting married in a church? Yes it is hypocritical for someone who doesn't believe in God to get married in a church she is correct there and pointing out the obvious. What a silly old grudge to hold.

Only1scoop · 14/06/2016 23:36

You seem to be mentioning every little thing you do for her though, it was giving her 'cot bumpers' in the last update.

Can you not just be glad it's sorted. You sound really resentful.

She only gave birth a couple of months ago and by the sounds of things it's not been easy.

Maybe cut her some slack and let this one go.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 14/06/2016 23:37

2nds - I didn't get married in a Church, I was never going to get married in a Church. I have no grudge to hold.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 14/06/2016 23:39

so you think I shouldn't go and as a result lose my friendship with her?

I didn't say that-I pointed out that you chose to say you'd go-she hasn't forced you into it. If you think your friendship won't survive you not going to a christening that's sad, but it does say something about how good friends you really are,

If you're going to go and be a grump, or you're going to hold a grudge against your friend is just call it quits now.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 14/06/2016 23:41

onescoop - I'm just feeling frustrated that after all the things that I do do for her she's making the Christening to be the event that determines how much she means to me. I have supported her in a lot of ways but in her eyes that all counts for nothing as its my attendance at the Christening that determines how I feel about her apparently.

I will go, I've accepted I'm going, I'm just disappointed that things have turned out like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 14/06/2016 23:42

purpledaisies - it's my friend who said that if I don't attend then we may as well call the friendship off. I didn't think me not attending would have such massive implications like that but clearly in her eyes she won't ever forgive me if I don't go.

OP posts:
0hCrepe · 15/06/2016 06:19

Try to see her short reply as drawing a line under it and moving on, with you doing the same.

Luckystar1 · 15/06/2016 06:31

Goodness me. What a load of drama over nothing.

I fear OP that you created this big issue out of nothing with your initial response, then got caught up in the fall out and are now scrambling to justify why you're annoyed.

We all know having a baby is hard (which is presumably why you were so helpful to her), clearly she went through the mill if she has had to take out a restraining order against her ex (which in itself is a daunting and time consuming thing to do).

You don't need to make such a kerfuffle about the christening, seriously! Maybe she feels she needs a celebration after the tone she has had? Either way, your personal feelings in the matter have no bearing on whether or not she should have her child christened.

I'm not going to congratulate you either for being the 'bigger' person, when all you really seem to want is a pat on the back for apologising (again, not the reason why one usually does something)

CheerfulYank · 15/06/2016 06:48

LOL at "tantamount to abuse" :o

Anyway. YANBU to not want to go. YABU to say "am I obliged to come." YA also BU to say "if you really want me to I'll come" if you don't mean it.

However she IBU to make such s weird remark about you getting married in a church. It would be none of her business of you had!

FWIW my older two DC were baptized Catholic (little one will be too, just haven't done it yet) and the ceremony was maybe 10 minutes. Confused There was no talk of purgatory etc either!

captainproton · 15/06/2016 07:05

Your friend is going through an awful time. I say this as someone who has been through the mill myself, finding faith and support from my local church after I became a mother really, really helped me.

I wouldn't be so dismissive of your friend getting her child baptised. She maybe thinking of how to reconnect to her faith for support. Priests are trained to listen and support their flock.

Also I would suspect your friend is also trying to give her baby the best start she can in the circumstances. If she is feeling guilty (although she shouldn't) about the fact the baby's dad is a shit then pursuing the baptism might be sending a sign to the world, "look I am strong, we are fine and I want to celebrate this baby!"

She's got a small baby, she is a single mum her life is tough right now.

You sound hard work tbh.

RiverTam · 15/06/2016 09:00

Some people see these kinds of things as the most important demonstration that others care, regardless of their day-to-day actions. I know people who gush about how great their DPs are at Mother's Day and Valentine's Day, despite the fact that their DPs barely lift a finger the rest of the time. They'd probably think my DH was crap because he's not great at those occasions, despite the fact that he could out-husband and out-father their blokes any day of the week.

You have clearly been a very good friend and support to her. But that counts for nothing because of this one event, where if you showed you were as hypocritical as she is, everything would be tickety-boo.

I don't know. I don't know if you think it's worth asking her if any of that meant anything to her, or is it all about 'public displays of affection', as it were. Or just not and smile and gradually ease off the friendship.

tootyflooty · 15/06/2016 10:23

my mil clearly doesn't agree with religious services, she was "ill" with a bad cold when my fpb was baptised, and also "ill " when he made his first communion and confirmation!!, sorry too much of a coincidence to happen on 3 occasions. My fil came to both and just passed on her apologises. As a grandparent I felt she should have been there for her grandchild, especially the services when he was old enough to notice her absence, but I would not have been offended if she had just been honest. I would let the dust settle for a while, and if she doesn't come back to you, and you do want to maintain your friendship, maybe say you would still love to celebrate her childs birth and join them at the venue afterwards

RiverTam · 15/06/2016 10:40

tooty this is the second thread where you have commented having clearly not bothered to RTFT. Sort it out!

christiesmam · 15/06/2016 10:41

My DH nan came to our wedding (a catholic mass), and our daughters christening. She sat there in the pew with the worst sour face I have ever seen, and was miserable throughout the parties afterwards. She is CofE but hasn't been a church goer her whole life but was bitterly disappointed grandson was marrying a catholic girl.
DH has since converted and been baptised himself but won't tell her because of her reactions to the previous occasions. Ironically my many atheist, Muslim and pagan friends came and had a lovely day with us, or were at least sweet enough to say they did. If you don't want to go and really feel so strongly about it don't go, in all likelihood you will give a vibe of definitely not wanting to be there and possibly put a dampner on the day, and if everything is as one sided as you say and you can't forgive her for going "nuclear" at such a stressful time why would you want to continue the friendship?

Scaredycat3000 · 15/06/2016 10:42

Your friend sounds like a dick. She's refusing to play with you anymore because you don't want to play with her imaginary friend! And then bullying you when you don't join in with her delusions Hmm What a good christian your friend is.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 15/06/2016 10:57

Exactly scaredy.

She's great when she gets her own way and throws strops when she doesn't. Now that she's had an apology of me and that I've said I will go she is acting like absolutely nothing has happened.

This Christening is for show, she had no interest in the faith, neither she or her family attend Church and the thought of watching them all stand there and make empty promises, vows and pledges or whatever in the name of religion does not appeal to me at all. Maybe I am being harsh but I do think it's hypocritical and I would just feel incredibly uncomfortable being part of it. Religion is a huge thing to many people, their belief is extremely important to them and my personal opinion is that Christenings that are carried out by non-believers just kinds of makes a mockery out of a religion which is so incredibly meaningful to a lot of people and I don't like being a part of it.

Yes I could just attend and sit there there, not participate, not say prayers, not sing hymns etc so then what's the point in even going? Maybe I should go to show my support to her, and if she was having this Christening because she was religious and followed the faith then I probably would, but like I said I would just find it very difficult to sit through the ceremony knowing that it's being done for the show, which it is.

OP posts:
Scaredycat3000 · 15/06/2016 11:15

I've been to one christening where the child has been brought up in any faith, the rest were just for show. It was a horrible service where the vicar did his best to humiliate failed, twat all the people that were there for the christening, stand up if you were here last week sort of thing. I will no longer attend these religious shows. If you want to show off your dc just throw a party at home, in a village hall, pub, hotel, it doesn't discriminate against any of your friends or family like a religious show that you don't even believe in.