To think not wanting to go to a Christening doesn't make me some kind of monster?

[Writerwannabe83]

I have a friend who I've known about 10 years, we aren't particularly close and see each other maybe once a month.

She had a baby girl about 2 months ago and there is a planned Christening for next month. I am not a religious person at all, I have been to a few Christenings in the past and found them very uncomfortable and so they aren't events that I go to anymore.

Anyway, I was sent a text message yesterday with the proposed date of the Christening and asked if I could make it? I asked her if I was obliged to come as I generally don't agree with them and feel uncomfortable attending them and to cut a very long story short she has hit the roof.

I have told her not to take it personally but she seems to take it as though I'm snubbing her daughter.

She tells everyone she is a Catholic and she has been Christened herself but she does not lead a religious life herself and she hasn't been to Church in about twenty years.

When I was engaged a while ago she told me that if I got married in a Church she wouldn't attend as she would thing it so wrong that I would step into a religious building and partake in a religious ceremony when I do not have a faith. I reminded her of this tonight and asked why am I now suddenly allowed to be in a Church and partake in a religious ceremony when she was quite nasty about the concept when I was engaged? She has now gone quiet.

I honestly don't think that me declining to go based on my own beliefs about religion is such a huge deal? I absolutely wouldn't expect people to come to a Christening of my child if they didn't have a faith or any religious beliefs or if they simply felt uncomfortable about the Ceremony in general.

At the last Christening I attended the whole Congregation had to join in with prayers and then stand up and recite phrases about how we would help raise the child and teach him how to follow in the Lord's footsteps and show him the righteous path of life etc and I felt very uneasy about it.

I have absolutely no problem with anybody having a faith or belief in a religion but I do resent being expected to participate in it and then getting laid in to when I say I don't want to.

I see on here, when Weddings are talked about, that we receive invitations and not a summons therefore declining the invite is perfectly acceptable so surely the same applies for Christenings?

Are people not allowed to change their minds?

Of course they can. What point are you trying to make?

Irrelevant?

Did you mean to be do rude? So dismissive?

Jeez.

OPs friend made that comment. She has since had a child. Perhaps her mindset has changed. Perhaps she sees value in the community of the church for her child.

People change. They grow. They move on. What she said a few years ago might not be what she thinks now.

I can't believe you wouldn't go to a christening as it doesn't fit in with your beliefs. It's not about you and your opinion has nothing to do with her child. Real friends go along and support their friends.

YANBU. I have declined invitations to be a god parent and to attend christenings as I am not religious and feel hypocritical taking part in these services. I take an active interest in these children's lives and will always be there to support them but prefer not to do it under the guise of a 'God parent' relationship that I can't subscribe to. I had a civil wedding service for the same reason.

I would personally think it better if you stayed away in those circumstances. I really hate seeing kids get christened for a school place/a party/because it's "what you do" etc. If you don't believe, don't do it.

I am a christian but still have not christened my kids as I don't believe in infant baptism. If they want to get baptised they can do it when they are old enough to make the choice themselves (eg an adult or at least late teens) I love my church for that. I've never seen anyone below mid teens get baptised and even that is rare.

I understand where you're coming from op, I feel the same but have thankfully only ever been to one christening. Tbh I'd have just said I was busy, as religion and beliefs are very personal etc. I'd have gone and stared at the architecture if I didn't prepare a suitable excuse. I find churches quite calming and interesting regardless of my beliefs.

I think you were nasty in your response to her. You could have worded yourself much better or made an excuse instead of trying to be holier than thou with your beliefs.

Your response was insensitive and thoughtless. Its a very special event to her and she chose to invite you, you made it about you and your beliefs.
To ask if you 'were obliged to come'..wow! You're never obliged to go to a birthday/wedding/life event, so seems a bit provocative to me and I suspect it was that question which made her upset.
You could have said you were busy, or you could have gone for her and her child (as the liberal you purport to be) and not said anything or chosen a better time.. Hopefully you haven't ruined her excitement and soured the day and she can move on.

I would probably go to support my friend's wishes but wouldn't join in with prayers or hymns. My sister considers herself a Christian but I am very much an atheist. She had a big church wedding which obviously I went to but during the prayers I just respectfully kept my head down but had my own reflections much like a minute's silence rather than following along with the prayer. Didn't sing during hymns (but then most guests didn't, didn't know the words or want to sing!)

Maybe give her a few days to calm down and then talk to her about it.

YANBU to not attend a christening if you don't want to.

YABU to be so rude and use this as an opportunity to score points on your friend.

This makes you sound really uptight. Why do you care if your friend doesn't attend church regularly? If she is having a catholic christening then IME must have some ties to the church?

The only ties she has to the Church is the fact she is Christened herself. She doesn't attend Church, has no belief and does not follow the faith.

The last Christening I went to was 6 years ago and was the daughter of my very oldest and closest friend. That family were not religious either, they attended the 6 week 'introduction to the church' sessions in order to allow the Christening to take place and then they never went back to Church again until 4 years later when they had their second child Christened. When I went to their daughters Christening I found it so uncomfortable because parents and Godparents were standing up, making promises and pledges about the Lord etc and I knew they didn't believe any of it. It just doesn't sit right with me.

When they had their second child Christened I declined the invite and explained why and my friend was absolutely fine about it, it wasn't an issue at all. I went to the gathering at the house afterwards and my non-attendance wasn't even mentioned.

When I sent that text to my friend asking if I was obliged to come in my eyes it was meant in jest because I honestly thought she'd asked me as a joke as she knows my beliefs on religion and especially Christenings - but obviously it was a genuine invite.

We're meant to be going out for dinner tomorrow, I don't dare ask if that's still going ahead....

And just to clarify in case I didn't make it clear:

When my friend told me that she wouldn't attend my wedding if we got married in a church, it wasn't because she herself didn't want to be there, but because she couldn't bring herself to attend if I was making my vows in front of a God that I didn't believe in.

I didn't get married in a Church and we never intended to.

Well then that is TOTALLY different to asking you to attend a christening.

• She can believe in God even if she doesn't regularly go to church.

• she isn't asking you to make any vows

She isn't asking you to pretend that you are religious, she is asking you to go support her on a day that is important to her, even if you don't agree that she is worthy enough of a christening.

We had DS christened recently and made it very clear in the invitations that everyone was welcome but if anyone felt uncomfortable about the ceremony then please just come to ours after for the prosecco and barbecue. Wouldn't have been offended by OP's response as we agonised for aged over the wording so I would have just thought I wasn't being clear!

Intrigued by people so put off by the shaking off hands and wishing peace to your neighbour. Not being goady, genuinely interested in what makes that awkward. Is it the fact it's strangers? The sentiment of wishing someone peace in their life could be totally secular I'd think

I'm a total coward but I use my DS to avoid Christenings. I show up late, and stroll about outside the church until it's over. Then when everyone comes out, I explain that DS was in a giddy mood and I didn't want him making noise and running about the church. That's not actually untrue as he if he's awake - he's giddy and he would definitely struggle to sit through the service. But the reality is that I seriously disagree with infant baptisms and have struggled without success to get my own baptism record annotated to include that I am no longer a member of the church. (Something that the RC in Ireland offered for a brief period but then stopped offering when they realised that 10s of 1000s of people had applied in the space of a few months.)

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings though, so I avoid voicing my real opinion. Though if I did, I think I'd be justified in doing so, as in Ireland the high baptism figures are used to allow the state to deny basic human rights to non-Catholics, most especially in terms of schooling. As over 90% of primary schools and over 96% of secondary schools are RC.

The people around us, be it friends or family all have opinions we might not share, qualities that might annoy us and do things we disagree with. In my experience the extent to which we tolerate and indulge these depends pretty much entirely on how much we like them. I'm not convinced that you really like this woman at all. You would (and did) make an exception for someone more dear to you, and who you like more.

I'm not at all religious. Not at all. I go to weddings (of any faith) at any place of worship, same with funerals and christenings (although I would decline a request to be a god parent). I understand the hypocrisy issue and years ago it would have bothered me. I have decided that the church, the Catholic Church in particular is powerful enough to withstand a little piss taking from people who just want some nice pictures, I'm sure they could insist on a level of attendance and show of commitment if they wanted to. I just wouldn't do it myself but I wouldn't lose sleep over my own hypocrasy at attending. There's no way I would upset a good friend over this, and I can see why your friend is upset. I think I'd be a little upset if I arranged a naming day (unlikely but go with me!) for my kids and a friend asked if they were obliged to come because they think dc should all be christened.

I agree - if you don't want to go just say you're busy instead of turning it into some vitriolic anti-religious thing.

However, if you really don't believe in God, you may as well go and spout all the mumbo jumbo to support your friend. He's not going to strike you down.

Your response to her invitation was really quite something. Almost as if you'd rehearsed what you would say....bringing up previous conversations regarding wedding etc.

I'd just apologise for being discourteous when invited. It's not making your friendship so awkward.

I'm always in awe of these parents that arrange Christenings so early on. When did was two months I don't think I'd barely left the house.

Not 'worth'

And

'Dd' was two months

Hideous phone fingers

I really don't blame you op, i feel the same.
I would go to the christening to keep the peace but don't say anything.
I never say the prayers or promises during christenings as it's not something i believe it.

I'm not Hindu, Muslim, Jewish, Catholic... you get the picture.

I would be honoured if I was considered a close enough friend to be invited to a wedding, funeral, blessing etc etc for these or any other faith.

Why can't people be considerate of others' feelings and if you really don't want to go, come up with a face-saving excuse.

It's good manners not hypocrisy.

Anyway, I was sent a text message yesterday with the proposed date of the Christening and asked if I could make it? I asked her if I was obliged to come as I generally don't agree with them and feel uncomfortable attending them and to cut a very long story short she has hit the roof.

See that sounds like you are saying "I am judging your choices, I am judging you, no way in hell do I wan't to come to the chirstneing"

This is one of those occasions where a white lie "oh so sorry, buys that weekend" would have been better.

Yikes. I think you were very rude to your friend.

I'm an atheist but I have attended various religious ceremonies/celebrations that friends have participated in: church weddings, christenings, bar mitzvahs, etc. These events were significant to my friends and I was happy to be present as an expression of friendship. No one expected me to alter my religious beliefs simply by attending.

If you really have philosophical objections to christenings, fine. Don't attend. Make a polite excuse. But why would you rudely declare your objection in some misguided attempt to be "honest"? It's clearly important to your friend. She kindly extended an invitation to an event of personal significance to her. She didn't ask you to convert to Catholicism or otherwise change your views.