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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should we pay for dinner?

180 replies

TheMockTurtle · 13/06/2016 16:53

So- I'm about to turn 30. And I'm pregnant. So we've decided to have a fancy Sunday pub lunch with friends. That way everyone else can drink as little or as much as they like. Obviously I can't, I'll be there for the slap up feed! My friends are all around the same age.

It's a nice bar/restaurant. I imagine we'll have starters and a main course and we will provide a nice birthday cake for dessert.

There could potentially be about 15 of us. My question is... Should we pay? I'm a bit concerned about it as it would cost us a lot to cover everyone's meals (and maybe drinks?) We have done the inviting, so my husband thinks we might be responsible for paying. I've been to 30th birthdays, and I go expecting to pay for my own meal and drinks and that's what has happened, but my husband thinks we will have to cover the cost.

What do you think? If you were invited to lunch, would you expect it to be paid for?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/06/2016 10:03

Well to me it wouldn't be, NavyAndWhite because I would have made a very clear distinction and it wouldn't have been an invitation, merely a suggestion to meet up for dinner.

It only becomes complex because people use indistinct wording and whilst they think it means one thing, it doesn't necessarily translate that well and there can be different expectations. As I said, in my family, it's very, very clear... and I like that, we all do. I do most of the paying and I know that if I invite, I will pay.

That said, my brother has invited me for breakfast to one of his favourite chains and then not paid - I have. I know he's short of money so I wouldn't let him. But he really shouldn't invite.

I'm generally kind and generous, honestly. :)

NavyAndWhite · 14/06/2016 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floggingmolly · 14/06/2016 10:14

In my mind, if you issue the invitation, you foot the bill. Other people see it differently; but that's why you have to be absolutely clear when inviting people (the word "invite" always suggests to me that you're the "host").
Fine to do it differently, just don't assume everyone's on the same page without it being spelled out.
It could lead to some awkward embarrassment otherwise.

SoupDragon · 14/06/2016 10:14

I would ask the closest invited friend what they thought your DH meant.

Original poster
TheMockTurtle · 14/06/2016 10:15

Yep! I think that text is a good idea NavyandWhite, and also to the person who said something like that early on. I probably will do something like that.

If we were responsible for paying for everyone when we issued an invite, to say, the pub, we would ever do anything! Loads of mates ask us to come to the pub for their birthdays. We buy them a drink and buy for ourselves.

Anyway, I hope no one is cross. But I wouldn't be cross if it was the other way around and I wasn't having my meal paid for. Fingers crossed!

OP posts:
8angle · 14/06/2016 10:18

I would pay - but that is just me - avoids all the faff, often go to friends parties where we split it, or where we pay for the birthday girl/boy, or we get treated to an amazing meal by them!

As you say - they are all your friends and you all like each other, i think the idea of providing drinks at the start and a few bottles of wine on the table sounds good.

It's your birthday, sounds like it will be lot's of fun!! happy birthday!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/06/2016 10:23

MockTurtle... You say you wouldn't 'ever do anything' - but you would, you just wouldn't issue an INVITATION, you'd make a suggestion to meet up. You'd still get to go out as much as you wanted to!

Queenbean · 14/06/2016 10:28

If you say "we are hosting a birthday party at this restaurant, meet here at this time" and then the guests got no choice on food and wine I'd assume the host was paying.

If you said "would you like to come for dinner to celebrate my birthday" I'd assume that we were paying for ourselves and usually, splitting the bill of the birthday girl / boy too.

I also think it's an age thing, we all seem to be getting more generous as we get more disposable income as we get older. By the time I get to my parents age I'm sure I would pay for dinner for everyone. But at a 30th birthday? No.

Original poster
TheMockTurtle · 14/06/2016 10:30

Well, to me, lying, Would you like to come to the pub? And would you perhaps like to join us in the pub? Are kind of the same thing. But I recognise a restaurant might be different.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMockTurtle · 14/06/2016 10:31

I agree with that Queenbean.

OP posts:
Queenbean · 14/06/2016 10:37

Lying I think you're getting quite hung up on the use of the word invitation. In real life, I would never send a text saying "I would like to invite you to celebrate my birthday by joining me at XYZ". In reality it's "it's my birthday and we are going to XYZ restaurant for dinner, would you like to join us?"

I think the other distinction is if you have the option to order food yourself or not. I think all ordered for you = they pay. You order = you pay. Generally speaking.

Original poster
TheMockTurtle · 14/06/2016 10:41

That's a good way of looking at it Queenbean! It's not a set menu, nor are we ordering for everyone! Everyone will be ordering for themselves so that also reassures me!

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 14/06/2016 10:43

The word invitation has a very specific meaning, even in real life...

AngelsWithFilthySouls · 14/06/2016 10:44

DH and I are having a joint 30th and are paying for dinner (family only, 15 of us) as we have picked the date, time, venue and it's a set menu as we booked a private room so all the kids don't annoy anyone other than us.

We'll pay for buffet and probably a round of drinks when we have a separate night out with friends in a bar. Most friends have done similar, I wouldn't expect our friends to pay for a meal but I think some nibbles if you've booked an area of a bar is a nice touch.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/06/2016 10:46

We just see it differently, Queenbean, that's all. I'm not at all 'hung up' on the word 'invitation' because there's no need to be. When you issue one, you pay. A request to meet up somewhere isn't an invitation.

It's very clear in my head and even the obfuscation of your new 'ordering' paradigm isn't going to distract me! Grin

MargaretCavendish · 14/06/2016 10:56

LyinWitch I'm not trying to be difficult, but I genuinely don't understand the distinction you're drawing. I see the difference between sending out formal declarations on stiff card stating: 'You are invited to my birthday dinner at X at Ypm on the Zth of Month' and texting 'Do you fancy getting together for dinner some time?' (though I would be expecting to and happy to pay for my own meal in both scenarios - I wouldn't issue the first, though), but isn't there a huge grey area in between? Some people have said that it's not an invitation to say 'we're having dinner at X at Ypm on the Zth of Month, would you like to join?' - but I just don't understand the substantive difference here? How is that not an 'invitation'?

Blablabla1984 · 14/06/2016 10:59

Hmmm it's a tough one.
Where I'm from (the Mediterranean) the rule is if you invite you are expected to pay as that restaurant might not be affordable for everyone invited.

In the UK it seems like people are ok to pay for themselves, so your guests will probably be ok paying.

Happy birthday and congrats on the bump!! :)

PHeadPH · 14/06/2016 11:00

It's perfectly ok for guests to pay and it's perfectly ok for the host to pay the only problem is if there is any ambiguity!

OP, send Hestertons or Navys text and everyone will know th score. If there are 15 of you then there will probably be an extra 12.5 service charge automatically added to the bill so you shouldn't have a problem with people forgetting to tip.

Are you going to split the bill evenly between the people invited? Or Is it a pub where you order at the bar?

Some people may want the 'fancy' food but others might be feeling skint so is suggest people pay roughly what they eat. Ask for people to buy drinks separately.

I don't think people mind paying for what they have eaten and drank themselves but the don't like paying for that greedy fucker who orders lobster and steak.

I would not let anyone pay for my own meal.

PHeadPH · 14/06/2016 11:03

OP, surely the fact that your DH thought his invitation meant that you should pay shows that you must clarify the situation with your guests.

mineallmine · 14/06/2016 11:05

I'm with Lying on this. If you invite, you pay is the way it's always been done in my world. And I dont think I'm old (40s).
My SIL invited people to a restaurant for her 40th birthday, just the two families ie hers and her DH's so 17 people in total. Halfway through dinner, she turned to me and said "I hope people don't think we're paying for this." Knowing her and her DH, I suspected they wouldn't pay but I thought it was very cheeky and tight to invite people to celebrate her birthday, bitch about presents that weren't up to scratch and then let everyone pay for themselves. We went away talking about how tight they are.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/06/2016 11:07

Margaret, you're first instance is obviously an invitation and the second isn't, as you've said.

Where you say, 'We're having dinner at X at Ypm on Zth of month, would you like to join?" That is an invitation and, if you're not intending to pay, you'd have to put something on there like "I thought it would be a good choice for everybody's budgets".

If you'd said, "We'd like to arrange a get together for dinner in Zth month, when are you free and where should we go?" that isn't an invitation. Even if you say "It's my birthday and we're going to be in X pub on Y date, would love to see you - we'll do cake and coffee/wine/whatever", that's not an invitation to anything other than the cake/coffee/wine - if it turns into dinner as well then that's a natural progression and there's no expectation for the person sending out the request, to pay for dinner.

AppleSetsSail · 14/06/2016 11:18

I think the precedence that has been set within the group of friends matters far more than the wording of the invitation. If they're young and don't have a lot of money, then most likely it's every man for himself or perhaps himself and a proportional fraction of the birthday celebrant.

As you get older and more affluent, expectations shift.

In all cases, best to avoid ambiguity - I like the earlier text about cake and a glass of champagne on me.

MargaretCavendish · 14/06/2016 11:24

Where you say, 'We're having dinner at X at Ypm on Zth of month, would you like to join?" That is an invitation and, if you're not intending to pay, you'd have to put something on there like "I thought it would be a good choice for everybody's budgets".

Ah, so you'd consider this acceptable, then? I thought you were saying that you can't ever specify a time and not pay. In that case then I think the only reason we differ is because you see ambiguity where I don't, and that's because of different expectations - as I said, I have been to probably dozens of birthday meals and always bought my own, and no one I know would ever question that, so there's just no need to add that extra line. This is just how it works for us - but this does put the onus on the birthday-haver to either pick somewhere cheap or (and this happens a lot) to say 'we're going for dinner at X; if you want to just join us at the pub afterwards then we'll be at Y at about Zpm', so that there's a 'low cost' way to join in. I agree that it's rude to pick somewhere expensive and insist everyone comes. My friend did that recently and, although I love her, I wasn't best pleased.

Queenbean · 14/06/2016 11:26

I think if every time you invited someone to do something you were expected to pay no one would ever end up doing anything!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/06/2016 11:31

Oh it's fine, Margaret, the only reason that we have these 'rules' in the first place (for anything) is to make people feel at ease and confident/self assured that they're not causing offence.

You could even be horribly unclear as to whether it's an invitation/request like this (in my opinion): "We going out to dinner at X restaurant on Y day and we'd love the pleasure of your company. We picked this restaurant as we thought everybody would like it and it's within everybody's budgets". The first bit is most definitely an invitation and most people would think that; the second bit lets you know that you'll be expected to pay for it.

It's clumsy and there's a big risk of low take-up (as you've picked the restaurant and date) but everybody would know where they stood and that is the crux of the matter.

What your friend did is quite common really, lots of people have very fluid arrangements and just expect people to somehow know by osmosis (presumably) that it's 'pay for yourselves'.

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