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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should we pay for dinner?

180 replies

TheMockTurtle · 13/06/2016 16:53

So- I'm about to turn 30. And I'm pregnant. So we've decided to have a fancy Sunday pub lunch with friends. That way everyone else can drink as little or as much as they like. Obviously I can't, I'll be there for the slap up feed! My friends are all around the same age.

It's a nice bar/restaurant. I imagine we'll have starters and a main course and we will provide a nice birthday cake for dessert.

There could potentially be about 15 of us. My question is... Should we pay? I'm a bit concerned about it as it would cost us a lot to cover everyone's meals (and maybe drinks?) We have done the inviting, so my husband thinks we might be responsible for paying. I've been to 30th birthdays, and I go expecting to pay for my own meal and drinks and that's what has happened, but my husband thinks we will have to cover the cost.

What do you think? If you were invited to lunch, would you expect it to be paid for?

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 14/06/2016 13:43

Lyin

Ditto requesting RSVPs. Why? They're not your guests, they either will attend or won't, surely?

Whether or not they're guests you need to know how many people to book a table for!

I think it does make a difference that you don't do things in groups - and this is why other people are saying they'd never do anything if it had to be run by your rules! If you want 20 (say) people to get together then really you do just have to pick a place and time and say 'come if you can' or you'll never manage to arrange it. That means that someone has to 'invite' (by your definition) or it really will never happen.

For instance, I went out for brunch for a friend's birthday the other week. It was a set menu thing (£10 a head). She told us where to be and when. There were about 20 people there and I don't think it would have occurred to a single person there that they wouldn't have to pay. She needed RSVPs, because the restaurant needed the numbers to reserve a table.

The reason I was annoyed with my other friend wasn't because I thought she might pay - again, I (and I think everyone else there) never had the slightest thought of that. It's because the place she chose was £50 a head, and I think that's too much to ask people to pay. So did lots of other people, I think, since she had a really dismal attendance rate. But we thought she should have picked somewhere cheaper, not that she should have paid herself!

blueskywithclouds · 14/06/2016 13:43

I would expect the bill to be split 15ways at the end (or at least pay for myself). I would never expect the host to pay! I agree that buying a few bottles of wine is a nice gesture.

AppleSetsSail · 14/06/2016 13:44

Queenbean, but you would ask. So many people on MN seem to see this as a confrontation and wouldn't dream of asking even though it's a sensible and perfectly proper question.

It is not a proper question. How about you assume you're paying, and be pleasantly surprised if you're not?

mygorgeousmilo · 14/06/2016 13:45

I would be paying for myself as the guest, and would expect both myself and the other diners to contribute enough to cover the birthday girl too. My husband would probably buy the booze for everyone in bottles, maybe not rounds!

Queenbean · 14/06/2016 14:04

Lying I'd only ask if i couldn't afford it myself

Apple I'd say: "hi friend, thank you for the invite to your birthday! Restaurant looks amazing. I've had a look at the menu though and it's a bit beyond by budget, have you agreed a set menu or anything with the restaurant? We're you thinking we would all split the bill at the end? If so, I'm really sorry but I wouldn't be able to come but I'd love to pop over for a cup of tea in the week instead?"

On the basis that this person is my FRIEND and is a nice person and would totally understand. Likewise, if I chose an expensive restaurant i wouldn't mind at all if someone sent that to me!

Queenbean · 14/06/2016 14:07

It is not a proper question. How about you assume you're paying, and be pleasantly surprised if you're not?

Yes I agree - I'd only ask if I couldn't afford it. Otherwise I'd assume I was paying

PHeadPH · 14/06/2016 14:20

If I was asked to attend a meal and I wasn't sure of what was happening with the bill I wouldn't feel embarrassed to ask. I don't think it's rude. I'd just say like

'Hi Friend, I'm really looking forward to going tomorrow, I was just wondering what we doing about the bill, are we splitting or is everyone going to pay their own or what? Hope you don't mind me asking but I like to know beforehand'

I can't see how that could be construed as rude in anyway.

PHeadPH · 14/06/2016 14:22

Sorry xposted with QueenBee. Her message looks polite to me to.

TransvisionTramp · 14/06/2016 16:51

We would usually split the bill and cover the birthday person too.

Might be worth asking one friend that you're really close to, whether they've interpreted the text as being you're paying for everything? Just to put your mind at rest.

Happy birthday Cake

BlueStockingUK · 14/06/2016 17:55

I would definitely assume you were paying!
Every outing for meals for my birthday/son's birthday/hubby's birthday & we invite friends & family we pay. Being invited to a Birthday meal is different from a girlie/friends & partner's get-to-gether, we would then split the bill.
You would just need to be clear, have a nice night.

AhAgain · 14/06/2016 19:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

modernmum82 · 14/06/2016 21:08

Absolutely I would expect to pay for myself. In fact, if it is your birthday my friends and would even exclude you from the bill and cover your dinner!

I am mortified to think anyone would expect you to pay for them! Xxxxx
Either way....
Happy birthday 😘

gooddays · 14/06/2016 21:53

Yep I'd expect to pay if had been invited to a friends birthday

We went to a wedding recently & we had to pay for ourselves at the meal ...I wasn't expecting that tbh

Saracen · 14/06/2016 22:27

Apologies for not having read others' responses.

If I were invited to a pub lunch I would expect the organisers to have made it clear who was paying. If I was expected to pay my own way then I would also want to be given a rough idea of costs, e.g. a link to online menu or just "most entrees cost about £10-15" sort of thing so I could know whether it was affordable for me.

I don't think it's rude to invite people to get together with you and pay their own way, if that is your preference. But it is rude to leave people guessing.

TowerRavenSeven · 14/06/2016 23:51

I would expect host to pay unless it was clearly stated.

Mummyme1987 · 15/06/2016 00:35

Good days 😮 A pay as you eat wedding!!!!!

Mummyme1987 · 15/06/2016 00:36

What were the bride and groom thinking?

JayElleGee · 15/06/2016 08:10

Haven't read the other responses...

But did read that your DH said "would you like to come...." As an opening gambit on the text invitation. This would suggest to me that YOU are paying I'm afraid. I would buy a nice and quite expensive gift for the birthday girl (and as a thank you for paying for my meal) and would be a little miffed to find that I actually had to pay for my own food. I wouldn't, however, expect you to pay for drinks.

Floggingmolly · 15/06/2016 08:50

Is it the birthday thing that seperates it from just another getogether? Not sure how to phrase it exactly, but, the fact that you're celebrating an "event" of your own automatically puts you in the position of host, in a way that just doing a general shoutout for a trip to the pub doesn't.
Does that make any sense?
"Let's go to the cinema / shopping" is non personal. Let's celebrate meee!! is different.
That's as clear as mud, sorry...

Only1scoop · 15/06/2016 08:54

Agree 'can you join us for' etc as part as an invite sounds like you are inviting guests.

NavyAndWhite · 15/06/2016 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tulipgrower · 15/06/2016 11:26

In my gang, we paid our own way as students when invited , once we started working an invite (as opposed to a get together) meant the host paid. Was never discussed, just happened. In an in between phase the working folk picked up the tab of the students.

tulipgrower · 15/06/2016 11:31

It depends what is usual behaviour in your group of friends. If invited I wouldn't take a purse with me, but would have bought a fabulous present. For a birthday "get together" (I pay), I'd have a purse with me and a possibly smaller present.

user1465986416 · 15/06/2016 11:34

no certainly not.... everyone im sure will be expecting to pay for them selves in this situation. xx

gooddays · 15/06/2016 11:49

We were all slightly shocked about having to pay...still ! it was at a small restaurant & just assumed as it was a wedding it was put on but alas not when the bill came it was divided up