Should we pay for dinner?

[TheMockTurtle]

So- I'm about to turn 30. And I'm pregnant. So we've decided to have a fancy Sunday pub lunch with friends. That way everyone else can drink as little or as much as they like. Obviously I can't, I'll be there for the slap up feed! My friends are all around the same age.

It's a nice bar/restaurant. I imagine we'll have starters and a main course and we will provide a nice birthday cake for dessert.

There could potentially be about 15 of us. My question is... Should we pay? I'm a bit concerned about it as it would cost us a lot to cover everyone's meals (and maybe drinks?) We have done the inviting, so my husband thinks we might be responsible for paying. I've been to 30th birthdays, and I go expecting to pay for my own meal and drinks and that's what has happened, but my husband thinks we will have to cover the cost.

What do you think? If you were invited to lunch, would you expect it to be paid for?

[thisonethennomore]

I really think this is ages and stages.
In our 30's we'd have expected to split the bill now, nearer 50 we'd expect for the hosts to pay.
feeling anxious that we should have offered at recent friend's very smart birthday dinner last month.
Don't worry Op, I'm sure some fizz on the table & cake will be enough.

[LisaC7]

Id be expecting to pay and get my own drinks but pursuing done bottles of wine on the table or buying a round in would be a nice gesture from you.

[LovelyBranches]

I have never gone to any celebration or event, except a wedding and had my meal bought for me by the person who invited me, or expected that it should be. In my group of friends you are more likely to have your meal free as it's your birthday.

[ChicRock]

I'd expect that you would be paying unless it was made clear beforehand that you weren't.

[KERALA1]

In our group (early 40s professionals) assumption is you pay for your own food. Otherwise for a big group that would be hundreds and hundreds of pounds!

Am shocked at paying at wedding though....

[gooddays]

We were all slightly shocked about having to pay...still ! it was at a small restaurant & just assumed as it was a wedding it was put on but alas not when the bill came it was divided up

[user1465986416]

no certainly not.... everyone im sure will be expecting to pay for them selves in this situation. xx

[tulipgrower]

It depends what is usual behaviour in your group of friends. If invited I wouldn't take a purse with me, but would have bought a fabulous present. For a birthday "get together" (I pay), I'd have a purse with me and a possibly smaller present.

[tulipgrower]

In my gang, we paid our own way as students when invited , once we started working an invite (as opposed to a get together) meant the host paid. Was never discussed, just happened. In an in between phase the working folk picked up the tab of the students.

[Only1scoop]

Agree 'can you join us for' etc as part as an invite sounds like you are inviting guests.

[Floggingmolly]

Is it the birthday thing that seperates it from just another getogether? Not sure how to phrase it exactly, but, the fact that you're celebrating an "event" of your own automatically puts you in the position of host, in a way that just doing a general shoutout for a trip to the pub doesn't.
Does that make any sense?
"Let's go to the cinema / shopping" is non personal. Let's celebrate meee!! is different.
That's as clear as mud, sorry...

[JayElleGee]

Haven't read the other responses...

But did read that your DH said "would you like to come...." As an opening gambit on the text invitation. This would suggest to me that YOU are paying I'm afraid. I would buy a nice and quite expensive gift for the birthday girl (and as a thank you for paying for my meal) and would be a little miffed to find that I actually had to pay for my own food. I wouldn't, however, expect you to pay for drinks.

[Mummyme1987]

What were the bride and groom thinking?

[Mummyme1987]

Good days 😮 A pay as you eat wedding!!!!!

[TowerRavenSeven]

I would expect host to pay unless it was clearly stated.

[Saracen]

Apologies for not having read others' responses.

If I were invited to a pub lunch I would expect the organisers to have made it clear who was paying. If I was expected to pay my own way then I would also want to be given a rough idea of costs, e.g. a link to online menu or just "most entrees cost about £10-15" sort of thing so I could know whether it was affordable for me.

I don't think it's rude to invite people to get together with you and pay their own way, if that is your preference. But it is rude to leave people guessing.

[gooddays]

Yep I'd expect to pay if had been invited to a friends birthday

We went to a wedding recently & we had to pay for ourselves at the meal ...I wasn't expecting that tbh

[modernmum82]

Absolutely I would expect to pay for myself. In fact, if it is your birthday my friends and would even exclude you from the bill and cover your dinner!

I am mortified to think anyone would expect you to pay for them! Xxxxx
Either way....
Happy birthday 😘

[AhAgain]

I always assume that we are splitting the bill (or paying our own way) unless expressly told otherwise. Agree that it is nice for the hosts to provide some bubbles or wine or something to start the evening off.

I had a party (nice hotel) for my 30th and made it expressly clear that we were paying for everyone because we were (and I wanted people to accept and enjoy the evening without thinking about cost).

So it might be worth making it clear when you confirm the invites.

[BlueStockingUK]

I would definitely assume you were paying!
Every outing for meals for my birthday/son's birthday/hubby's birthday & we invite friends & family we pay. Being invited to a Birthday meal is different from a girlie/friends & partner's get-to-gether, we would then split the bill.
You would just need to be clear, have a nice night.

[TransvisionTramp]

We would usually split the bill and cover the birthday person too.

Might be worth asking one friend that you're really close to, whether they've interpreted the text as being you're paying for everything? Just to put your mind at rest.

Happy birthday

[PHeadPH]

Sorry xposted with QueenBee. Her message looks polite to me to.

[PHeadPH]

If I was asked to attend a meal and I wasn't sure of what was happening with the bill I wouldn't feel embarrassed to ask. I don't think it's rude. I'd just say like

'Hi Friend, I'm really looking forward to going tomorrow, I was just wondering what we doing about the bill, are we splitting or is everyone going to pay their own or what? Hope you don't mind me asking but I like to know beforehand'

I can't see how that could be construed as rude in anyway.

[Queenbean]

It is not a proper question. How about you assume you're paying, and be pleasantly surprised if you're not?

Yes I agree - I'd only ask if I couldn't afford it. Otherwise I'd assume I was paying