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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should we pay for dinner?

180 replies

TheMockTurtle · 13/06/2016 16:53

So- I'm about to turn 30. And I'm pregnant. So we've decided to have a fancy Sunday pub lunch with friends. That way everyone else can drink as little or as much as they like. Obviously I can't, I'll be there for the slap up feed! My friends are all around the same age.

It's a nice bar/restaurant. I imagine we'll have starters and a main course and we will provide a nice birthday cake for dessert.

There could potentially be about 15 of us. My question is... Should we pay? I'm a bit concerned about it as it would cost us a lot to cover everyone's meals (and maybe drinks?) We have done the inviting, so my husband thinks we might be responsible for paying. I've been to 30th birthdays, and I go expecting to pay for my own meal and drinks and that's what has happened, but my husband thinks we will have to cover the cost.

What do you think? If you were invited to lunch, would you expect it to be paid for?

OP posts:
EveOnline2016 · 14/06/2016 11:55

I hate this sort of thing.

Why is it only when it comes to meals out that the host expects people to pay.

To me it's like inviting someone around for a meal then ordering a take away with the person paying 1/2

Only1scoop · 14/06/2016 11:59

Yes you've invited me.

Of course I expect you to pay.

If it was a casual 'shall we get together' mentioned but not an occasion as such then of course I'd pay for myself.

Notbigandnotclever · 14/06/2016 12:02

I've been to many birthday days out and always paid for myself. I wouldn't think of doing otherwise.

MumOnACornishFarm · 14/06/2016 12:03

Happy Birthday OP. Cake
You know this particular group of friends. If you have been invited along in a similar fashion to birthdays of others in the group, and everyone paid for themselves at those birthdays, then it's likely that that's what they will expect at your birthday. I guess it depends on the invitation and how you worded it.

Floggingmolly · 14/06/2016 12:04

You "wouldn't think of" doing otherwise?

Notbigandnotclever · 14/06/2016 12:08

In my experience -
Invite someone to your house for food, you pay for the food. They usually return the favour another time or you ask them to bring drinks/dessert etc.
Invite someone to a party with proper invitations in a specifically hired space - Host pays. If you can't afford to pay you don't hire somewhere.
Invite someone out for a meal - Everyone pays for themselves.
Invite people out to cinema/go karting etc - Everyone pays for themselves.

macnab · 14/06/2016 12:09

In my opinion, if you invite, you pay. And the message your husband sent sounds very much like an invite. As a previous poster said, the very fact that he felt that you (both) should pay shows you the level of ambiguity!

The only way to get out of not paying is to send the message that Hesterton suggested way upthread. That will clear it all up beforehand and avoid any embarrassment.

derxa · 14/06/2016 12:10

It's a cultural thing. If I'm organising a birthday party then I pay whether it's a party at Laser Quest or a sit down meal for 200. OP you asked the question because in the back of your mind you think it's a bit mean. You're right it is.

Notbigandnotclever · 14/06/2016 12:11

No I wouldn't think of it as it's never happened. The only time I've been out for a meal and someone else has paid they have specifically told me before the event that they are paying. eg my dad says "do you want to come to X, dinners on us" My default for any outing is that I will be paying. The only exception is in a house or if I am invited to a big scale party with nice invitations eg a wedding, a birthday party in a big hall (although even then I expect to pay for drinks) In houses if we do take away we all pay for ourselves btw.

Queenbean · 14/06/2016 12:13

OP you asked the question because in the back of your mind you think it's a bit mean. You're right it is.

Perhaps in your culture. But for many, it isn't. I wouldn't think it mean at all if someone asked me to celebrate their birthday with them then we split the bill at the end!

Floggingmolly · 14/06/2016 12:50

But "inviting" someone to go to the cinema / go karting isn't quite the same thing. "Do you fancy seeing X film?" is totally different to "It's my 30th birthday and I've booked X restaurant".
However subtle the difference is; it's there.

NavyAndWhite · 14/06/2016 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BirdInTheRoom · 14/06/2016 13:03

I have never been to a restaurant to celebrate someone's birthday where the birthday girl/boy has paid, apart from maybe my parents/in laws!

AwakeCantSleep · 14/06/2016 13:05

I don't think I'm going to have 15 disgruntled guests.

You are not going to have any 'guests'. There will people going to a restaurant and buying their own food.

As a 'guest' in this setup I probably wouldn't bother with a present, given that I will pay out for a meal at a restaurant not of my choice, for the benefit of the 'host'.

NavyAndWhite · 14/06/2016 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AwakeCantSleep · 14/06/2016 13:13

Well yes, but I'm assuming here that I (speaking as the 'host''s friend/'invitee') would actually want to celebrate their birthday with them, and the only opportunity to do that is through buying a meal at a restaurant that the 'host' has chosen.

Unless I really enjoy the restaurant and the food, I'd much prefer to spend the money on a nice gift.

AwakeCantSleep · 14/06/2016 13:17

Not attending would also likely be seen as a snub. So I'll have to spend my own money on something I don't want to for myself in order to celebrate a birthday and not upset a friend.

NavyAndWhite · 14/06/2016 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MargaretCavendish · 14/06/2016 13:20

Well, Awake maybe this is another key difference - I wouldn't buy a birthday present for an adult (except a close relative) and I would much rather the money was spent (whether it was my birthday or someone else's) on everyone having a meal together than on birthday presents. So, yes, I guess I do think that people coming to a meal for my birthday is the gift to me - I definitely wouldn't expect another one on top!

Queenbean · 14/06/2016 13:21

If someone invited me to dinner at a restaurant I'd never heard of I'd immediately google it and look at the menu. If it was beyond my budget I'd the text the host and find out if it was hosted or not.

If they said everyone was paying for themselves and I couldn't afford it I just wouldn't go.

There seem to be an awful lot of people on MN who seem to hate their friends and think that all friends are out to swindle them out of money and are on the swizz at any opportunity.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/06/2016 13:27

Aarrghhh... I need rules, clearly! Grin

I've been thinking about this:

I don't meet up with 'groups', perhaps that's the difference? I meet with maybe one friend at a time, possibly two. We may pay for ourselves or take it in turns to pay for all of us. It's not an invitation, it's a "We must get together soon" followed by comparing of diaries and picking a date - then we take it in turns to pick the venue (which has no impact on who is paying). It's the same friends all the time, which really helps!

Out with family? I can't stand the 'Battle of the Purses' thing, if I'm out with my mother (who is on a pension) I pay, end of. I tell her upfront that I'm doing it.

Wider family? It's usually a takeaway as my mum gets a bit controlling when we're all in a 'clutch' and she doesn't like my brothers' girlfriends much... so a takeaway it is. Two of my three brothers are always slow to pay so I tend to just pay it - or put in the lion's share or whatever. We don't do this often - thankfully.

Out with contractors? They tend to pay, which I'm not very comfortable with but convention dictates... Out with work but a friend? Take it in turns to pay.

I wish there were better and more clear rules for the latest sort of arrangements because it seems to be:

  • Birthday person or housemoving person or other celebration person wants to have a get together.
  • They have no intention of paying for people attending; everybody pays for themselves is the convention
  • They sometimes issue invites and this seems to be fine because historically, everybody pays for themselves
  • Some people get confused because wrong terms like 'guests' are used. This is less clear. If you are not paying, you don't have guests, not ever, they are just attendees at an event you've asked for
  • Ditto requesting RSVPs. Why? They're not your guests, they either will attend or won't, surely?
  • Arrangements - surely the only thing that needs to be 'arranged' is date time and venue, everybody fends for themselves then
  • Bill-splitting is a different kettle of fish but seems to cause bad-feeling sometimes

You can't call it 'generational' because there are umpteen threads on MN AIBU at any one time querying 'convention' surrounding some sort of event. Lots of people get confused. I think fewer people would be confused if attendees weren't referred to as 'guests' and RSVPs being required.

It's very much (for me) like everybody's dancing but nobody knows what song is playing...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/06/2016 13:29

Queenbean, but you would ask. So many people on MN seem to see this as a confrontation and wouldn't dream of asking even though it's a sensible and perfectly proper question.

Hence all the anguish and 'entitled' cries.

AppleSetsSail · 14/06/2016 13:29

If someone invited me to dinner at a restaurant I'd never heard of I'd immediately google it and look at the menu. If it was beyond my budget I'd the text the host and find out if it was hosted or not.

Really? What would you say?

Floggingmolly · 14/06/2016 13:40

There is no way to ask that question with any grace whatsoever...

AppleSetsSail · 14/06/2016 13:42

I totally agree Molly

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