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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should we pay for dinner?

180 replies

TheMockTurtle · 13/06/2016 16:53

So- I'm about to turn 30. And I'm pregnant. So we've decided to have a fancy Sunday pub lunch with friends. That way everyone else can drink as little or as much as they like. Obviously I can't, I'll be there for the slap up feed! My friends are all around the same age.

It's a nice bar/restaurant. I imagine we'll have starters and a main course and we will provide a nice birthday cake for dessert.

There could potentially be about 15 of us. My question is... Should we pay? I'm a bit concerned about it as it would cost us a lot to cover everyone's meals (and maybe drinks?) We have done the inviting, so my husband thinks we might be responsible for paying. I've been to 30th birthdays, and I go expecting to pay for my own meal and drinks and that's what has happened, but my husband thinks we will have to cover the cost.

What do you think? If you were invited to lunch, would you expect it to be paid for?

OP posts:
AwakeCantSleep · 13/06/2016 18:12

I've posted on threads like this before. There are huge cultural differences with regards to this. Where I come from (abroad; EU country) you wouldn't dream of inviting people and then not paying for everyone. People often host at home (and then obviously feed their guests), but those who do celebrate at restaurants always pay the bill. If you invite people, you are the host, and you pay.

If you arrange to go to a restaurant with friends (as opposed to inviting people to celebrate with you) everyone would normally pay for what they eat and drink. Splitting the bill is not the done thing.

I am really uncomfortable with this idea that the "host" picks the venue and then expects everyone to pay for a meal out at a place they would perhaps not normally choose. I resent paying for a meal I don't enjoy (such as most chain restaurants, cheap buffet places, generic pub food etc). But not attending is akin to saying "I don't want to celebrate your birthday" which is not true.

Hence the best thing IMO is to offer a genuine invite for something you can afford (be it drinks only), and then giving the option to go for a meal afterwards, in a place that's agreeable to most people's taste and budget.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/06/2016 18:16

Exactly, AwakeCantSleep, it's a bit akin to a current thread where Bride and Groom have issued invitations to guests, compelling them to pay for hotel rooms. B&G cannot afford to pay and have overstretched themselves. This is what this pseudo-hosting smacks of. It's NOT hosting.

No offence to the OP because it does seem to be the norm that everybody wants to play host nowadays but without actually doing it - they just issue 'invitations' which are no more than a query as to whether people would like to attend a restaurant at the same time on the same day.

SeaCabbage · 13/06/2016 18:16

How would you enjoy the meal knowing you would be getting a bill of £300 at the end of it?!! Unless you have that kind of money of course.

I would just contact those coming saying you hope it is ok if everyone pays for themselves and you will provide drinks or x bottles of wine for instance.

Happy Birthday!

Katedotness1963 · 13/06/2016 18:28

I'm with the "if you invite, you're the host, so you pay" group. Maybe it's an age thing?

BonerSibary · 13/06/2016 18:49

I'd never in a million years expect the birthday girl to pay for everyone, and would be surprised even to get a text about payment arrangements. Would go without saying that I'd be paying for myself and probably putting in for the birthday haver too. Until reading MN, I thought that had died out years ago. I'm a similar age to you OP, perhaps the pp is right that it's an age thing.

AwakeCantSleep · 13/06/2016 19:02

I'm 39, so not way older than OP.

Boner there is no problem with the arrangement you mention, except calling it an invitation from the birthday girl/guy. It is not an invitation, and they are not hosting. It is the pretend hosting that I object to, and the fact that turning down the "invite" (based on affordability and/or taste) amounts to being excluded from celebrating a friend's birthday. It doesn't sit right with me.

MaidOfStars · 13/06/2016 19:05

Shall we get together.... = everyone pays for themselves.
Would you join us.... = host paying.

IMO!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/06/2016 19:25

That sounds about right, MaidOfStars, it's quite clear. That's the point, it needs to be clear so that there's no need for confrontation or bad feeling afterwards.

SelinaMeyerVP · 13/06/2016 19:28

Can you send everyone a menu with a message along the lines 'pub have asked us to pre order - hope you find something to your taste and budget'

Or ask the pub if they will do you a ££ deal if you have a rough idea of numbers.

Pub would probably appreciate it too.

BonerSibary · 13/06/2016 19:35

Well OP hasn't said anything about 'hosting'. The inviting thing, I appreciate that it apparently still bothers a small but potentially significant group of people, but it just seems like angels on pinheads. In the event of any confusion, there's nothing in the dictionary definition of the word 'invite' to suggest it doesn't apply to what OP is doing, and that would take precedence over an individual's definition. There is a reasonable point to be made about affordability, but then even an event you pay for potentially still costs guest money in travel costs and the observance of the present giving custom.

TheKitchenWitch · 13/06/2016 19:40

If, as this is, it was in the uk, I'd expect to pay because the words "invite" and "host" seem to have very different meaning to on the Continent where if you invite people to celebrate your birthday, regardless whether at home or out, you pay for everyone.

TiredOfSleep · 13/06/2016 20:32

I'd get him to text those who have responded to say hope you can still make it - the first drink is on us!

Trills · 13/06/2016 20:34

I would expect to pay for myself at a birthday dinner in a bar or restaurant.

Original poster
TheMockTurtle · 13/06/2016 21:03

Thank you for all the super interesting responses. I was reassured by the majority of you that said you would expect to pay.

Anyway, shant worry about this too much. I wouldn't begrudge anyone for inviting me out and expecting me to pay for myself. Nor would I agree with someone who came away from a party bellyaching about the birthday girl not paying for everyone's meal.

So, if anyone gets annoyed, I won't worry. But I thought some of your suggestions were great. I.e. First drinks are on us, bottles of fizz on table, champagne on arrival. Thank you so much everyone!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 13/06/2016 21:12

I think you have to make it absolutely clear that you are not 'hosting' the lunch - I have only been invited to two birthday meals in a restaurant, and both times it was clear that I was a guest and being treated (but perhaps it is an age thing as I am a bit lot older than 30 Grin).

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 13/06/2016 21:44

Same here Ragwort. We had a spate of 40ths a while ago, at home, in rented rooms and a couple in restaurants. For the 'home' parties we took lots of wine and at the others we bought our own drinks. Food was provided at all.

BirdInTheRoom · 13/06/2016 22:10

In my group of friends a nice pub lunch to celebrate a birthday could easily run to £50 per head - that's £750 if you pay for everyone!

missymayhemsmum · 13/06/2016 22:15

I think that either way you should make it clear what you are offering to do to avoid embarrassment on the night, if everyone is working and able to afford to pay their way then I would be surprised at them expecting to be treated by a couple about to have a baby, but if some of your friends are poor students for instance and you are asking them to come to somewhere pricier than they would choose you might quietly offer.

Favouritethings · 13/06/2016 22:24

Guests pay for their own meal (and in my group of friends we cover the birthday girl/boys share too) xx

MLGs · 13/06/2016 22:31

If you want to be generous, you could pay for the booze? Or as others have said, a few bottles,

Obliviated · 13/06/2016 22:36

I went to a meal at a pub for a 30th last year and was expecting to pay for myself but the husband of the birthday woman paid for everyone. I was a bit embarrassed because I had never even met them before. Nice of them though. They said they'd invited us so of course they were paying.

fanjolamps · 13/06/2016 22:38

Your DP's text implies that everything is paid for. If i received that txt i wouldn't for a minute expect to have to pay for my own meal. You're going to have some very peeved guests on the day op mark my words.

FeelingSmurfy · 13/06/2016 22:58

Not sure that it's an age thing

I'm turning 30 this year and if I did something like this it would only be if I could afford to pay

Recently been a thread about an invite to a free place, bring your own food, party for a 4yr old and everyone is saying it's cheeky because it's all free yet they will have to buy presents (or cash preferred as the invite said) I don't really see the difference

They will be paying for their meal (place and date of your choice) possibly contributing to yours and will get you a present, even if you say don't. That is a lot of £ and it's hard to get out of a meal for someone's birthday without feeling you are letting people down etc

I think it depends on your circle of friends, I am more than happy to pay my way but would think of this as a celebration and you don't normally pay to go to a party etc for a birthday

rollonthesummer · 14/06/2016 07:28

Are you going to make it clear to your guests that they will have to pay for their own meal before the night, OP? you might get people not bringing enough (or any) money with them!

Aeroflotgirl · 14/06/2016 07:31

There is an unwritten thing amongst my friends that we all pay our way unless told otherwise.