Should we pay for dinner?

[TheMockTurtle]

So- I'm about to turn 30. And I'm pregnant. So we've decided to have a fancy Sunday pub lunch with friends. That way everyone else can drink as little or as much as they like. Obviously I can't, I'll be there for the slap up feed! My friends are all around the same age.

It's a nice bar/restaurant. I imagine we'll have starters and a main course and we will provide a nice birthday cake for dessert.

There could potentially be about 15 of us. My question is... Should we pay? I'm a bit concerned about it as it would cost us a lot to cover everyone's meals (and maybe drinks?) We have done the inviting, so my husband thinks we might be responsible for paying. I've been to 30th birthdays, and I go expecting to pay for my own meal and drinks and that's what has happened, but my husband thinks we will have to cover the cost.

What do you think? If you were invited to lunch, would you expect it to be paid for?

[NapQueen]

I'd never expect to pay. I'd word my invite "we are off to X on Sunday for lunch, would love it if you could join us!"

[fastdaytears]

Casual invite sounds fine. If you sent out something more formal then some people might think you're paying.

It would be nice to get some bottles for the table or something if you could do that.

[AgentProvocateur]

If you've invited (and it sounds like you have, rather than a "let's all get together for a meal") I'd expect you to pay. This has been done to death on MN, and I accept I'm in a minority, but amongst my friends, if you invite, you pay.

[ApocalypseNowt]

I would expect to pay. Buying a round of drinks or some celebratory fizz would be a nice thought though.

[ImperialBlether]

They should be paying for you, not the other way around! I wouldn't expect a friend of mine to pay for a meal for 15 people. Do any of your friends do that, OP?

[ValerieSweet]

Just a "would you guys like to come for Sunday lunch at... Blah blah... At this time on this date".

I would be slightly leaning towards 'we're picking up the tab' with this wording. 'Would you like to come for...' sounds different to 'let's all meet up' or 'we're getting together on the 4th, are you free?'.

I wouldn't order lobster then throw down my fork in disgust when it turned out we were splitting the bill, though! i just wouldn't be surprised if you paid.

[MrsJorahMormont]

I would expect to pay for myself but it would be a nice gesture if the host pays for some fizz.

[BravingSpring]

I would expect to pay for myself, unless told otherwise.

[KissMyArse]

If I'd been invited to a 30th birthday celebration anywhere else I wouldn't expect to pay for/provide my own buffet and nibbles.

Having said that, I always tend to expect to pay for myself if it's in a restaurant.

As long as the food doesn't cost a fortune which could exclude those with a limited budget then it seems to be 'the done thing'.

[TheMockTurtle]

Flip... The fat duck. Me (and my guests) should be so lucky!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I agree with AgentProvocateur, you're not 'hosting' the event. Hosts invite and pay for the event. This is a casual request for anybody to meet you there and pay for their own. It's very clumsy and your husband's text is confusing.

I would go with hesterton's text to get yourselves out of this soup. It might not be the social norm now that everybody pays for themselves regardless but it is convention - you invite, you pay. Make it clear so that nobody is confused on the day and there is no bad feeling.

[fastdaytears]

Don't let your husband do any more invites!

[KayTee87]

I would expect to pay for myself and offer to pay for the person who's birthday it is.

[rollonthesummer]

I was going to say that as a guest, I'd expect to pay for myself, but your husbands text definitely makes it sound like you are paying!

Oops-I would have thought about this very carefully beforehand. You must let all your guests know they need to pay for their own meals before the night. Otherwise you'll end up with a sticky situation when the bill arrives...

[MargaretCavendish]

Surely the key question is whether you've been to any other birthday meals where the birthday-haver paid? I never have, so I would be absolutely astonished if any of my friends attended one and were annoyed at having to pay; if this is a thing that sometimes happens in your circle then I think you need to be more careful/explicit, particularly if any of your invitees have ever paid for your meal at their birthday! I like hesterton's suggestion a lot, though.

I have to say that I - again, perhaps approaching this from a position where I would always assume I had to pay for my own food and drinks at a birthday dinner - fail to see the difference between ''would you guys like to come for Sunday lunch?" and ''we are having Sunday lunch at blah blahs and it would be great if you could make it". To me they are both invitations but, as I said, to me invitations don't imply a free meal.

[maddiesparks]

I would expect to pay for myself, even if you actually said you were paying I personally would still feel incredibly uncomfortable allowing a good friend to pay for such a large group of people to eat! I would presume I pay for myself and actually I would be asking the others at the end to chip in and split the cost of your meal between us as your birthday treat. I wouldn't worry too much, I honestly don't think your friends will be expecting you to pay.

[heron98]

Gosh, as a guest I would never expect the host to pay! In our group of friends everyone pays for themselves and chips in for the birthday girl's meal.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

I would expect to pay for you, OP. That's the way it's worked out at any celebrations I've been to.

[GrumpyMcGrumpFace]

I agree Verybitchyrestingface, that's exactly how we work it with my friends! Though I guess we all organise it, rather than one person doing the inviting.

I went out with a new set of friends recently, and the birthday girl did insist on paying for everything. It was lovely of her and I was grateful, but also slightly mortified that I'd ordered thinking I was paying for myself IYSWIM. I guess it depends on your group of friends and how rich they are.

I totally agree with Hesterton's email idea - paying for the drinks is very generous in itself IMO.

Have a lovely birthday!