DD return from University

[user1465822474]

Only DD returned from Uni last week, skint. No sign of any summer job on the horizon (hinting will have the opposite effect to encouragement I fear), expecting free board and lodging for the summer (fine) and to be fed as well (not fine). AIBU to ask her to pay for her own food? She's got an extremely healthy appetite and certainly hasn't starved when at Uni- her diet has been way better than ours actually. Me and husband are both really hard up at the moment because both self employed and owed money so we really can't afford this- or any luxuries. My only one is a quarterly trip to the hygienist for a tooth polish but now I'm feeling guilty about that as DD says she's in real need of one too but can't afford it. Can feel resentment building up at same rate as bank account getting depleted (and we have until October of this, potentially). Don't want to upset her but not sure how best to approach the conversation we'll need to have pretty soon.

It's also worth remembering that the costs of sending a child to uni have massively ramped up over recent years.

When my brother went to uni, he had no tuition fees to worry about. When I went to uni, tuition fees had just been introduced. Nowadays, tuition fees are three times per year what they were, lots of the emergency/ maintenance funds have been slashed.

It's a bit harsh to have a go at the OP because their income is a bit short at the moment (one of the perils of self-employment) and money is tight.

DS1 is home today from uni, I am happy to provide board and lodgings, we had a conversation during the Easter hols about summer jobs so he has a month of work with theNCS which pays £1700 - he is a youth leader for them. Out of this he will pay for summer trips, pay down his overdraft and have a small sum for going back to Uni. No overdraft next year allegedly " he has learned to budget" .
He has also registered with a temp agency for casual work for the next few weeks. There are no shortage of temp jobs if she is not picky, although she should have been looking earlier.

It's "head up the bum" responses that give MN the reputation it has .......

"To me, expecting a university student to pay for their own meals is akin to asking a SAHM to do the same, both are working, just not in paid roles.'

Actually it's more akin to a woman only having the wheewithall to BE a SAHM unless someone else supports her - either the state or parents/partner ......if not they need to get a job .

As for "Iad to work over the summer break and it almost caused me to fail my exams NINE months later - what utter bollocks !! Last year I was a mature undergraduate - I worked 31 hours a week and managed to attend all lectures and tutorials and pass my exams . That's not 31 hours in vac- that's 31 hours year round. Many of the traditionally aged students had part time jobs in term time - most were able to up their hours in vacation time either at the same location or a vaca transfer to their home town - some chose to stay in the uni area so they could work and earn and only had a couple of weeks at home.

It isn't easy but most things worth doing aren't.

It's lovely if parents are in a position to keep their adult kids in the long vacation but the reality is many aren't -and others simply see the merit in their kids having a work ethic and not assuming they can have a free ride.

No matter what students claim few courses are so intensive that a part-time job can't be fitted in -in term time (the exceptions tend to be those heavy on lab time) but not all parents realize that.

That said - a few weeks of stretching the food budget isn't impossible - but the daughter hinting Mum should say for her teeth whitening is taking the mickey especially if she is aware they are struggling.

This thread is grim.

OP this situation goes way beyond not being able to feed your daughter. You've said you and DP are both self employed and people owe you money. It sounds like a really big mess and I'm wondering if you really do have a viable businesse or if it's a not very well paid hobby. Could you or your husband try and find paid employment whilst the other one runs the business? It might make things a whole lot easier on your home life. Can you claim any benefits to top your income up?

Your daughter - I feel very sorry for her. There was just something about the way you mentioned her appetite that was quite nasty and disrespectful.

Should she have a summer job? Yes, and all the more so under the circumstances but if she's left it too late there's nothing you can do about it and I think you're just going to have to find a way to put food on the table by pressurizing the people who owe you money. You speak so calmly about the fact you're owed money by others yet it's your daughter who gets your wrath. It's all very strange.

I can't believe you would begrudge your child food. It really is another world sometimes on here. Spread your budget out with shopping at Aldi or Lidl.

Surely all the time studying she deserves a break? Not thrown into working

A short break, maybe. But four months off doing nothing, while her parents struggle financially to provide for 3 adults? Not so much.

I think you are getting a rough ride here OP.

I imagine OP had tax credits and child benefit before. She has clearly stated her finances are GRIM and that she struggled to feed herself and her partner this past year. ALthough I do agree with tattie that maybe you need to accept being self employed isn't working for you.

Anyway - DD. Yes she will have to get a job. I assume she has been working whilst at uni so will have some experience? My DD starts in Sept and already has a job lined up in her new city.

YOu do seem worried about upsetting her - just tell her she has to pay her way.

The availability of summer jobs must be really variable - as some of you say they are easy to get. Both our sons are now graduated and working but they always found it extremely difficult if not impossible to get work in the summer. One of them worked in Next for a couple of summers and the application process was insane for what was, in the end, 8 hours work a week on minimum wage on a zero hours contract. Bar work is available but only if you are experienced - never sure how you are meant to get the experience! All of you who say it is easy - just have a real look at what is available - I bet you will be surprised.

Ok, do any of you who are snarking about this actually have any idea of the figures involved here?

My son has been home from uni for a week and is half heartedly trying to get a job (one interview and two applications so far). I told him when he came home that he would be fed three standard meals a day and can drink pop or squash. If he wants anything else he has to either ask or buy it himself. He is quite happy with this, because I sat sown and told him the reality of our finances.

We have lost over £300 a month in total income since he started uni. This is made up of tax credits (WTC and CTC) child benefit, and the £50 a month I give him to buy food.

As we are obviously on a very low income to get benefits in the first place, this has made a huge difference to our standard of living. The main problem is that although we have lost £250 ish every month, he is only at uni for about 7 months of the year.

Obviously I don't begrudge feeding him or bunging him £50 a month while he is away, but it does have an impact. Those of you who are lucky enough to earn enough that you can afford to criticise; congratulations!

Am I reading this right OP? Mum and dad are both self employed and are brassic as they have people owing them money in lieu. Unfortunately I have seen this with SME's where some people wait 90days or 3 months (whichever is longer) to settle an outstanding bill. It's shit but that's how some businesses hold on to their cash to work longer for them.

She should be looking for a job.
She needs to get some experience and some independence.

Margaret funnily enough I did then have to go and apply for said jobs. People put signs up in their shops for summer help, he would spot them and send me off to apply for them, he didn't apply for me, what planet are you on that you would think for a second that's what would happen?

Studying all the time? Depends on the course. My first year I had a grand total of 6 hours lectures/tutorials a week. Even with writing essays it didn't account for a full week's work. Very different for science students, of course, but please don't think that all students are working their fingers to the bone!

If nothing else she could get some flyers printed offering her services to dog walk, baby sit, do shopping, anything you like. Of course if she just sits waiting for a salary to come knocking she's not going to get very far.

OurBlanche - you sound so sanctimonious Odd, I am fairly angry at some of the daft responses, maybe if I let more of that show through... being polite tends to make any post sound weird!

Try this version: If you have no personal experience of being totally and utterly skint, no money in the bank and precious little hope of much coming in, the piss off. OPs predicament will be way outside your frame of reference.

Comments about hell freezing over before you'd tell your kid you couldn't feed them, all that stuff.... it is possible that in OPS life hell has frozen over.

Offer her work in your business... the one that currently is not making yu enough money? Yes, that'll work

Shop at Aldi, ffs!

Turn the clock back and have a chat last Christmas... oh, please!

Proper advice: don't feel too guilty OP. You and your DD need a proper adult conversation about the family finances. Once you have worked through the realities of your situation you both may find a workable solution.

I probably still sound sanctimonious. But I hope some of this makes some poster stop and think about the OPs situation as a real life "WE HAVE NO MONEY" rather than a "I hate my DD and can't be arsed to feed her" Sadly many people live hand to mouth.

MN doesn't seem to have many of them as regular posters... not surprising, really, given the technology and free time required to be able to post here.

She's a family member. I would say that the 3 meals a day you would cook anyway are 'free', treats and extras she has to fund herself somehow.

River Tam. You really think that people are going to take on randoms to look after their children/pets just because they put a card through the door?? What planet are you actually on?

We live in a small town with very few available jobs. My husband couldn't get a job here when he was made redundant, and neither could the other 30+ people who worked with him. If there are no jobs for grown men with 20+ years of experience, then students haven't got a hope in hell.

Op, could your DD not help you and your DH's business out in some way? Take on some of the admin? Call the delinquent payers? Generally make herself useful, thus allowing you both to have some down time and relieve some of the obvious stress?

Would that maybe of some value to you both? Enough to pay her way if she is unable to get a job for the summer possibly?

Other than that, I used to get day work in awful factories through an agency, not sure if that's still a possibility

My parents weren't hard up but pushed me to work from a young age-babysitting, pet-sitting, car washing, painting fences- did all that for cash in hand until I was 16 and could legally work, which I did at a garden centre. At uni I supplemented my loan with bar/retail work and then during the summers did all sorts to earn extra cash. Hated every minute of it of course (working boring jobs that is) but learned the value of money early on so I'm grateful for my parents enduring the tantrums they got from me as a lazy teen. Don't feel guilty for asking DD to at least try and get work. If she tries and can't, well maybe she can earn her keep by at least being helpful around the house? We are expecting our first child and money is a big worry for us. If things are still tight when she's working age I would expect her to work for the additional requests beyond the essentials...!

We didn't need our sons to work for financial reasons but I insisted each of them find a part time job at age 16. When they became students they were able to return to the same employers (one with Tesco one with the local take-away) each holiday, there is always sickness and holiday to be covered. DS1 has now accumulated a sum of money that would be a house deposit if he didn't live in London and DS2 has some spare funds for travel. There is loads of temp work about in most areas, waitressing for events, bar work, etc. no excuse for anyone's student child not to work.

You'd be surprised

Plenty of people can't offer a proper job but will pay for bits and pieces of casual labour- be it gardening, labouring, babysitting as most parents who work don't get six week's paid summer holiday . One person may not be able to offer a waged job but a proactive person especially in the short term can often find enough bits and pieces to bring in pocket money or money for food. All the festivals that are on also employ casual staff often through agencies in all sorts of NMW roles.

All of you who say it is easy - just have a real look at what is available - I bet you will be surprised

Bet I won't .

In fact... DD got back from Uni last week and is at work (babysitting and cleaning) this very moment. DS finished last Friday and started 6 weeks low paid work (some sort of research) at his Uni today and other DD has bar work arranged for when she returns from holiday next week. DD2's BF is returning home today and has nighttime warehouse work lined up for next week.

All are in new jobs so don't have experience.

I know it's not easy to get jobs everywhere but it's a myth to think it's always difficult.

Do people on here actually realise that things are very different now to what they were when 30-40 year olds were young?

I worked legitimately from age 14. Not cash in hand, but actually employed by a firm with real payslips and everything. I also babysat a lot from age 12. This just wouldn't happen now. No one is going to pay a random child to look after their baby. No firm is going to employ a 14/15 year old as the paperwork and red tape is too much trouble. Not everyone lives in a big city where cash jobs are more likely to be available.

The world has changed!!

I really feel for you and think people are being harsh.
my daughter is 20 and we had this with her last summer. she got all the grants and loans going and lived the high life while at uni, we lost cb and ctc and were bringing up 2 disabled children.
we went without a room so she could have a room year round as we never wanted her to feel unwanted. she expected to come home for over 4 months, contribute nothing, not get a job as it was embarrassing and refused to help with chores, not even her own room.
we tried, we talked, we explained, we had given her thousands when she went to uni and she had blown the lot. she had eaten take away every night and gone to everything she had wanted to.
it is not about not wanting someone, it is about a grown adult taking advantage. the previous summer we had got in to massive debt as she had literally eaten all day long, expected us to pay for her if we went out and she wouldn't even put her washing in the wash

This is what zero hour contracts and agency work should be for, the ability to work without long term commitment. Sadly companies have began using it for people who rely on a full time job all year round but for your daughter it should be ok.

I do think I live in a different world to some posters on here. I'm sure the OP wouldn't let her daughter starve but wouldn't it be nice for her adult daughter to get a job and help pay towards her keep even if it's only a token amount.

I worked at a bookmakers (coral) during uni, they are always keen for staff as a high turnover, the hours are sensible and she'll improve her maths.

when I was her age I signed with industrial temp agencies, trust me there is ALWAYS work available in the following:

kitchen porter
washer upper
canteen work
catering work

you have to feed her, and she needs to get a job