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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD return from University

347 replies

user1465822474 · 13/06/2016 14:35

Only DD returned from Uni last week, skint. No sign of any summer job on the horizon (hinting will have the opposite effect to encouragement I fear), expecting free board and lodging for the summer (fine) and to be fed as well (not fine). AIBU to ask her to pay for her own food? She's got an extremely healthy appetite and certainly hasn't starved when at Uni- her diet has been way better than ours actually. Me and husband are both really hard up at the moment because both self employed and owed money so we really can't afford this- or any luxuries. My only one is a quarterly trip to the hygienist for a tooth polish but now I'm feeling guilty about that as DD says she's in real need of one too but can't afford it. Can feel resentment building up at same rate as bank account getting depleted (and we have until October of this, potentially). Don't want to upset her but not sure how best to approach the conversation we'll need to have pretty soon.

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 13/06/2016 15:11

She will also need this on her CV for when she graduated and needs to find a proper job.

mathanxiety · 13/06/2016 15:11

If she wants a shot at employment after graduation then she needs to show some sign of initiative immediately.

I would go one further than ElinorRigby and suggest that there is almost no point presenting a CV that shows only a degree, and big blanks where there should be either employment or internships or meaningful volunteering over summers or term time.

notagiraffe · 13/06/2016 15:12

She's an adult now. Explain money is very tight and she needs to help pay her way - either with JSA - at least half of which should go to you for contribution towards food and bills, or by finding or creating a job for herself. She could babysit/au pair - people are often desperate over the summer for extra childcare. Or see if any play schemes need helpers. Or any restaurants/pubs/cafes need extra staff for summer season. Or offer pet care/gardening/ironing/cleaning services in the wealthiest area nearby.
DS managed to earn almost £30w doing paper rounds last summer aged only 13. He had to get up at 6am six days a week and it nearly killed him (night owl) but he had his own spending money all summer.

InternationalHouseofToast · 13/06/2016 15:12

If she wants a tooth polish she can pay for it. It's one of the perks of being an adult - you get things you pay for. Should you forego your tooth polish to pay for hers? No, just tell her you'll report back how much it was so she knows what to budget for.

OurBlanche · 13/06/2016 15:12

Orac you too!

This was quoted on another thread....
I think we should coddle them all while we can, life is short and I want mine to think of home as a place of unconditional love, safety, chats and belly laughs, dry towels and a full fridge

All well and good if you can afford it but unecessarily judgemental and guilt inducing when the Op includes

Me and husband are both really hard up at the moment because both self employed and owed money so we really can't afford this

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 13/06/2016 15:14

No need for the sarcasm Blanche - it's not about adding guilt to the OP but trying to point out that she is 'working', at university. It wasn't intended to be an 'utterly charming' tale, it was all rather miserable actually.

We have no idea where OP lives - if it's Blackpool there's probably plenty of seasonal work, for instance - and I have already said I think the girl should try to find a job, but they aren't as plentiful as all that, so I guess if OP really can't afford to feed her, she'll have to leave university and get a full time job.

mathanxiety · 13/06/2016 15:14

And forget coddling. Coddling is about your feelings, not about what your child needs.

OurBlanche · 13/06/2016 15:14

Students and dentists... now that is a benefit she can claim - free dental care!

www.nus.org.uk/en/advice/money-and-funding/students-and-health-benefits/

ImperialBlether · 13/06/2016 15:14

Presumably the OP lost child benefit etc when her daughter was at university and so doesn't have as much money as she did when her daughter was at home.

mathanxiety · 13/06/2016 15:17

Lots of people work at jobs part time while also working at their studies at university.

If you even signed up for online surveys you could make some money.

OurBlanche · 13/06/2016 15:17

You may not have meant to add any guilt Kate... but recounting your tale of woe to a parent who cannot afford to keep/feed her child was, in my opinion, a bit of a shitty thing to do.

Or do you think OP likes not having enough money to support her DD?

Sometimes it pays to use a little bit of empathy before posting!

hellsbells99 · 13/06/2016 15:17

It is hard in a lot of places to get temporary work. DD has managed to get part-time work at her old job. 'Next' are normally advertising now for staff to cover their summer sales. Otherwise her best bet would be places that take on seasonal staff - tourist attractions, cafes, bars.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 13/06/2016 15:21

Blanche

As I've explained to you, it really wasn't a 'tale of woe' and there really isn't any need to be so scathing.

To me, expecting a university student to pay for their own meals is akin to asking a SAHM to do the same, both are working, just not in paid roles.

Now, in this instance I absolutely feel the daughter should be making an effort and trying to find a job - but if she can't, is the loss of child benefit really leading to a situation where someone can't eat? If that's the case OP and her husband must be on an exceptionally low income.

misssmilla1 · 13/06/2016 15:21

What does she want to do when she finishes uni? I suspect that any employment on her cv to support her application is better than nothing. Prospective employers don't think much of recent grads with no work experience, even if its summer or part time jobs.

ElinorRigby · 13/06/2016 15:22

I think some Mumsnetters live in a fantasy land where the Fluffy Towel Fairy produces an endless supply of clean bath sheets, and the kind Government gives £70 a week to students between June and September.

georgetteheyersbonnet · 13/06/2016 15:22

She can claim JSA while she's out of university for the summer. That's £70 a week to feed herself if all of her overheads are covered.

Er, not since about 1989.

YANBU to ask her to try to get a summer job to help with expenses. I think that's more than reasonable. YABU to expect that it won't be problematic. There really are not the numbers of temporary jobs about that there used to be, and many employers are just not interested in taking on students. YABU too to be surprised at the situation - presumably you knew she was applying for university and that she would be home during the holidays? What if she can't manage to find a job, or can't get one that pays enough?

LOL at gardening. All the local gardeners here run very efficient businesses and have related professional qualifications. Why would they take on a girl student with no experience to work for them? And if not, what is she meant to do, start up her own gardening business with no tools by pitching up and ringing door bells? Even setting yourself up in gardening requires an initial outlay on (expensive!) tools, adverts, leafleting etc. Have a go at running off a ton of leaflets and see how much just the paper and ink costs before you even get round to delivering them.

Bolograph · 13/06/2016 15:22

expecting free board and lodging for the summer (fine) and to be fed as well (not fine)

Er, board and lodging includes food. That's the "board" part.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 13/06/2016 15:24

Have you actually told her how tight money is?

If she knows and is uncaring and still expecting you to pay her way over the summer without even trying to find a job then she is being immature and selfish and you can "lay down the law" etc.

BUT

Have you had an adult conversation with her? Could it be that she just has no way of knowing the reality of the situation - its not just that money is a little bit tight and you don't want to bung her taxi and drink money multiple times and treat her to a shopping trip, but you are genuinely worried about affording food and health care costs...

Don't do the "laying down the law" type conversation unless you have had a grown up conversation about all needing to pitch in financially because things are unusually and exceptionally hard financially atm and you are honestly worried about feeding everyone.

Then also help her to find a part time job if you have any contacts or ideas she might not know about.

LaGattaNera · 13/06/2016 15:26

What about dog walking? So many people nowadays need dogwalkers though she may not like dogs I guess but alot of the dog walking agencies round here are always looking for walkers and it is worth a shot

RestlessTraveller · 13/06/2016 15:27

Blimey I would have been screwed if my parents had been like you. I lived in a small town where there were a large number of university students so getting a summer job was almost impossible. I did do a lot of voluntary work which helped contribute to my degree though.

That being said my parents actually saved with being home because they had to pay all bills while at uni. These were the days were the most you could get in loans was £1150 per year and I didn't get a grant!

SantanaBinLorry · 13/06/2016 15:28

.. If that's the case OP and her husband must be on an exceptionally low income.

Er? isnt that the whole point of OP's post?
We would struggle to feed a 5 and 8 year old if we lost cb.
Some people haven't got a bloody clue!

BackforGood · 13/06/2016 15:29

YABVU to not feed your student dd, yes.
YANBU to explain to her that finances are very tight at the moment and you won't be able to provide her with money, and that she really needs to start earning.
YABU to be worrying about upsetting her.

Unthoughtknown · 13/06/2016 15:30

Gardening? Babysitting work...really?

YANBU to ask her to find job, but you will need to be prepared for this not to happen. I found it difficult to find summer work 10 years ago (did always manage it though). If you live in a university town then they often take temps to deal with accommodation admin.

budgiegirl · 13/06/2016 15:31

To me, expecting a university student to pay for their own meals is akin to asking a SAHM to do the same, both are working, just not in paid roles

Except SAHM don't get three months off in the summer.

OurBlanche · 13/06/2016 15:31

If that's the case OP and her husband must be on an exceptionally low income. Well, at the risk of being scathing, again...

OP did state quite clearly they are both self employed, owed money and skint! So yes, that would seem to be the case!

Restless yes, had your parents not had the money to feed you you would have been screwed... I doubt they would have done it deliberately though. They would simply not have been able to afford it... as OP has stated she cannot!