DD return from University

[user1465822474]

Only DD returned from Uni last week, skint. No sign of any summer job on the horizon (hinting will have the opposite effect to encouragement I fear), expecting free board and lodging for the summer (fine) and to be fed as well (not fine). AIBU to ask her to pay for her own food? She's got an extremely healthy appetite and certainly hasn't starved when at Uni- her diet has been way better than ours actually. Me and husband are both really hard up at the moment because both self employed and owed money so we really can't afford this- or any luxuries. My only one is a quarterly trip to the hygienist for a tooth polish but now I'm feeling guilty about that as DD says she's in real need of one too but can't afford it. Can feel resentment building up at same rate as bank account getting depleted (and we have until October of this, potentially). Don't want to upset her but not sure how best to approach the conversation we'll need to have pretty soon.

Wow it's threads like these that make me glad I have the parents I do. I had jobs during the summer holidays from Uni but everything I earned was mine. My parents would happily have kept me at home forever and fed and watered me. My dad even used to give me bus fare to work. I would also do the same for my DDs (having already instilled a work ethic). YABU to not be able to feed her - she is your daughter!

The first summer I came home from uni my mum said it would be good if I got a job and I did look for one but nowhere was willing to take somebody on for 10 weeks or whatever I had off. This was fine. I helped around the house and didn't eat her out of house and home.

Next summer we'd moved in with my stepdad (who is not poor) and I was expected to pay rent and I had loads of pressure on me to get a job. Again I had the same problem, although worse as I was living in a tiny Essex village. I didn't manage to get a job; however I had worked all through term time. This caused a horrible atmosphere at home as I genuinely did apply for jobs but I just got nowhere.

When I finished uni I did some cleaning cash in hand (not that I'm recommending tax dodging). It might be worth your daughter putting some signs up offering cleaning/ironing/tutoring/gardening or whatever might be in demand in your area. Don't expect more than about £20 a week though! The other option is agencies such as Manpower who recruit for hospitality events. I worked Leeds Festival doing paid litter picking through them.

The sad fact is that loans don't cover the full living costs of uni and the long summer holiday as well. In an ideal world there'd be jobs you could do for 10 weeks over the summer, but in reality she will need to be a bit inventive. Please do frame it as you are a bit hard up and could do with some contributions towards her living costs rather than asking for rent though. The sheer amount of whining I did about how nobody else had to pay rent in the summer holidays

I think it's a case of making the money stretch to three people's meals but not having any treat or snack food OP, there are some brilliant tips and recipes on the Internet (and on mumsnet!) for really making a shopping budget stretch. If she doesn't like it then she will have to get some summer work.

I always had summer work though I was very lucky in that my parents could afford not to ask for any board and lodging - still would many have been acceptable to sit on my arse all summer even though they didn't need the money. That's not beneficial to anyone. Also it was made clear that independence would be expected to follow post graduation, for which I am very grateful - I know full well it was for my benefit to get out, get a job, learn to live like an adult.

You don't want to feed your own child? Where did you find the get-out clause in your Parenting Charter?

Do you live near a center Parcs?
They are always needing housekeeping assistants. Min. Wage but its better than nothing.

I can't believe an extra meal is going to make a huge difference to your budget, but she should be encouraged to get a job. There must be jobs in pubs or waitressing surely.

If someone needs a 3 month break every summer to avoid burnout, they aren't going to last very long when they get an actual graduate job.

I think expecting her to contribute towards to the food bill in not unreasonable, just tell her that she needs to work - you sound scared of her

You have your own business, why don't you give her some work experience? Sounds like you could do with some extra manpower on the debt collection side of things...

I think for me it comes down to them making a reasonably adult contribution to the household, so taking a turn shopping/cooking/cleaning and so on, and showing willing, and/or bringing in some cash if they can, although it can indeed be really hard to find temporary jobs in some areas. What is not OK is lying in bed and behaving like a younger kid and expecting the bank of M and D to bankroll indolence.

It's irrelevant to post that your parents were lovely and never asked you for a penny - the OP is struggling financially, so the DD needs to do her bit. I'm sure if OP had more money she would be delighted to feed her plovers eggs for breakfast.

timelytess - the child is an adult. OP would not be doing her any favours by cosseting her from the levels of responsibility she will very soon need to make 24/7 let alone over the long summer.
It's true there are far fewer summer jobs around than there were. But they do exist and if she has a good look for one over the next two weeks she might be surprised.

Hmmmm. She needs to be doing something.

I used to work in recruitment and there was nothing worse than a cv with no job experience.

If she volunteered could you then pay her food? It's another option.

Also uni holidays are very long, lots won't even go back til October. She can't sit and do nothing until then.

YWBU not to provide basic food. YANBU to ask her to seek work and contribute to family funds if this is necessary.

Bleugh to the pretentious quote from a PP about making sure home is "a place for belly laughs".

The sentiment is OK but it's just so....Facebook / bad blogger tripe!

I never even had time to look for a job in the holidays, my dad walked down into the town first day back and would come back saying 'they want help in the greengrocer' or whatever. And that was me for the holidays.

Even if she can't get paid work she needs to look for voluntary, perhaps in the sector she's interested in working in. Graduates have to have pretty impressive CVs these days.

Having said that, if you knew you couldn't feed her in the summer holidays that should have been a factor in discussions about going to uni.

OurBlanche - you sound so sanctimonious!

I agree she should try to get a job. But it isn't always possible. I know I never managed to get a job in uni holidays - temping agencies weren't taking people on, supermarkets were only taking people on who had had weekend jobs with them in 6th form and there were literally no other summer jobs going where I lived. And that was about 20 years ago, so I hate to think what the job market is like now.

What are the plans if she can't find a job and pay her own way?

As a previous student who lived away (nursing course so not long holidays) i think your being unfair. Why can't you alter where you shop go to Aldi. I manage to feed a family of 5 on 60 pounds a week on average. It's not as easy to get a temp job that is available during the holidays at least not in the summer. Any companies offering jobs want permanent people so she's unlikely to get hired as she will be reducing to uni. Surely all the time studying she deserves a break? Not thrown into working.

If things are tight then, yes, it's fair enough to ask her to contribute - but I do think you should have had a conversation about this before she returned from Uni, along the lines of "we're really looking forward to seeing you, but you might want to start looking for a summer job before you come back as money is tight and we will need to you cover the cost of your food".

Returning"

I do sympathise with you op but is there any chance you could tighten your belts slightly and all eat budget basic food until she goes back?
Bread, beans, rice and pasta are all cheap food. May not be healthy but cheap

Add it a bag of potatoes and few tins of veg and maybe you could just get by?

Least until she finds herself a job somewhere. Even if it's a paper round

And when/where was that, RiverTam? Because I've never lived in a world where businesses are just falling over themselves to employ teenagers on the recommendation of said teenager's father.

She could apply for a summer camp I worked at Camp Beaumont during the summer being a group leader, room and board are paid out of your wages she won't come back rich but it's a brilliant experience.

I would be battering the doors down of anyone who owed me money before I would tell an 18 year old that I couldn't pay for her to eat.

Surely all the time studying she deserves a break? Not thrown into working
A typical university course is less than 16 hours a week of lectures. Assuming she does the same amount of hours studying (which lets be honest, is unlikely), then that is still fewer hours per week than an average job.
It is going to be one hell of a shock for these poor special snowflakes when they have to survive on 25 days holiday a year in their graduate jobs.