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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD return from University

347 replies

user1465822474 · 13/06/2016 14:35

Only DD returned from Uni last week, skint. No sign of any summer job on the horizon (hinting will have the opposite effect to encouragement I fear), expecting free board and lodging for the summer (fine) and to be fed as well (not fine). AIBU to ask her to pay for her own food? She's got an extremely healthy appetite and certainly hasn't starved when at Uni- her diet has been way better than ours actually. Me and husband are both really hard up at the moment because both self employed and owed money so we really can't afford this- or any luxuries. My only one is a quarterly trip to the hygienist for a tooth polish but now I'm feeling guilty about that as DD says she's in real need of one too but can't afford it. Can feel resentment building up at same rate as bank account getting depleted (and we have until October of this, potentially). Don't want to upset her but not sure how best to approach the conversation we'll need to have pretty soon.

OP posts:
scarednoob · 13/06/2016 15:32

if you can't cope with uni work and a part time job during the 4 month summer holiday, how are you ever going to cope with a full time job in the cold, cruel real world??

#paidtuppencetoworkdowntheminesleptinalake

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 13/06/2016 15:33

Santana but the point is this presumably didn't suddenly happen in the last month. They should have explained honestly to their daughter that she either needed to organise a job before coming home or told her to get a job elsewhere in the country preferably with lodgings. Waiting for someone to come home and then announcing 'by the way, you can't eat until you have got a job!' seems to lack fairness somewhat.

user1465823522 · 13/06/2016 15:36

soooo. you had kids but don t' want to feed them?

ElinorRigby · 13/06/2016 15:38

The parents sound almost as hapless as the young person. My partner and I are self-employed and my daughter is about to come back from university.

We had discussions about money and budgets with her as part of supporting the Student Loan application. And we also talk to her about how well our business is doing at any one time.

Having said that we're not in any kind of crisis, but if things were going to be tight I think we'd have wanted to flag it up to her in advance. 'Not many treats this summer, I'm afraid. Unless more work comes in. So if you want a holiday/to go clubbing - it'll have to be self-financed.'

FannyFanakapan · 13/06/2016 15:39

i don't buy the "its hard to find a temp job" line. I live in a student town. You would think there would be a major issue with finding temp jobs here, but both my kids have worked in retail from 16, plus they do shifts waiting tables at posh dos all through the year but especially in summer, (peak wedding season) - it may only be £50 for an evening, or even £50 for a shift behind the tills, but working eg Friday and Saturday nights means £400 in their pocket in a month.

Their friends are really fussy about what they will and wont do, wanting the perfect job in sociable hours, round the corner from where they live and doing not very much for loads of money. Then they wonder why they have no spare cash.

alittlemoretodo · 13/06/2016 15:41

I only have younger children so this seems really odd to me! I cant imagine not wanting to share what I had with my children Confused

My mum died when I was a teenager but my grandparents, if i went to their house there was no question of them resenting me. They were not rich but if there was food they shared it!

I hope I never resent my daughters presence in my house!

RestlessTraveller · 13/06/2016 15:41

OurBlanche my parents really struggled to afford to send me to uni, I know I was really fortunate but I also know they would have fed me even if it had been beans on toast for every meal.

meowli · 13/06/2016 15:41

What's worked for ours is to sign up with Employment Agencies. They have got a fair bit of casual work this way. I suppose it depends where you are.

PPie10 · 13/06/2016 15:41

This is your own child you're talking about, why can't you just talk to her? You know have a conversation? How did you deal with other issues that arose when raising her?

SantanaBinLorry · 13/06/2016 15:42

It might have done, who knows? Not everyone has back up if the shit hits the financial fan.

Someone who is smart enough to get into uni should be smart enough to figure out they are going to need money and work experience. I can't believe student actually dont know this themselves and sort something out before the end of term.

OurBlanche · 13/06/2016 15:46

my parents really struggled to afford to send me to uni, I know I was really fortunate but I also know they would have fed me even if it had been beans on toast for every meal. and DH and I paid our own way in our 30's. We were utterly skint and had to work every moment we were not in lectures.

Sometimes life doesn't hand you fluffy kittens and cuddles. Sometimes it offers hard choices and penurious times.

FinallyHere · 13/06/2016 15:46

Curiously, I always longed to get a summer job, but my parents, who funded my studies, insisted that I came 'home' to where ever they were living to 'keep my mother company'. May be worth a bit of reverse psychology, would forbidding her to get a job do any good?

Nah, maybe just an adult conversation.

HiddenMeaning · 13/06/2016 15:47

I appreciate it's difficult on a low income, but it's really hard to get temporary jobs these days

It really isn't in a lot of places.

What a ridiculous suggestion that students might become too tired if they have to work over the summer. The University summer holidays are ridiculously long Shock. I think there would be more of a risk of them becoming bored stiff not working.

I love spoiling my kids when they are back from Uni but I wouldn't balk at asking them to get a job if I needed them to contribute to their expenses.

OurBlanche · 13/06/2016 15:48

I hope I never resent my daughters presence in my house! See, I read the OP and thought, poor woman sounds as though she has just about reached her limit.

It didn't cross my mind that anyone would read that and think "What a bitch?. A shite mother. What kind of woman resents her own child?"

On reflection, I think I prefer the thoughts in my head over those more hasty, less pleasant perspectives!

RestlessTraveller · 13/06/2016 15:50

Sometimes life doesn't hand you fluffy kittens and cuddles

Wow, I never knew that, thanks for the advice! Hmm

jay55 · 13/06/2016 15:50

Just tell her she's had a weeks rest and now needs to hit the pavement. Agencies, cafes, fast food, anywhere that pays.

OurBlanche · 13/06/2016 15:52

No problem, Traveller, happy to help Smile

MargaretCavendish · 13/06/2016 15:53

The problem is that it's quite late for summer jobs now. I'm a lecturer and I know a lot of my students were talking about sorting out summer jobs before their exams (so Aprilish) and that's also how I remember it working when I was a student. In hindsight this is a conversation that should have been had at Christmastime, so that the daughter knew she needed to begin thinking about summer work. Obviously hindsight is always 20/20. However, I do think that the OP will have to accept that it may take her daughter a few weeks at least to find a job, and possibly a bit longer to start it, so, difficult as it might be, they need to figure out something to feed her in the meantime.

LordoftheTits · 13/06/2016 15:53

Temp work in offices is easy to get as long as your typing/basic admin skills are up to date and they pay decently. She just needs to be willing to travel to wherever the office is.

GrumpyMcGrumpFace · 13/06/2016 15:55

maybe you're right ourblanche - my first thought was Shock I cannot imagine ever not making our children welcome in our house (or my parents or siblings either tbh). It wouldn't be a case of enough food for 2 but not 3, more that there isn't enough for all of us, so we need to do something about it. But as you say, perhaps it's more a case of everything being too much now.

If there isn't enough money, then a group effort to make more is needed... if she can't find a job, maybe she could do some credit control for your businesses, if you're owed money and it's not coming in? Get some letters out and some phone calls made?

cansu · 13/06/2016 15:57

Yes she should be encouraged to find a job, but I think she should be fed tbh. Most people end up taking care of their kids for much longer than age 18. I can't imagine refusing my dc meals and lodging.

NickiFury · 13/06/2016 15:58

Yes she should be looking for a job, I always worked from aged 14 onwards - paper round, cleaning, bar work when older, Saturday shop work. That said, you actually sound very resentful of her. I am reminded of my miserable parents who made life utterly hell with their resentment and old fashioned ideas that once I turned 18 I was on my own. It took our relationship many years to recover to be honest.

Elleblue78 · 13/06/2016 15:58

I don't think you are BU however the food bit is a bit Shock.

Why cant you charge her 'board'? tell her that this is to cover her washing/food/share of bills etc? All of my friends children have to pay this.

When I was 16 I left school and got a YTS (back in the day!) which paid £40.00 a week. My parents had me paying them £15.00 a week in board from that which at the time I was like WHAT?! However when I got 'promoted' from YTS to employee I was given that money back as a well done - really taught me the value of money and to live on what I had.

There are LOADS of jobs your daughter could do - Macdonalds/Pub/bar, waiting on somewhere? I work in the hospitality industry and in the summer we always employee students/ Surely a part time job in one of the above, or even in the industry related to her degree would help?!

JustMarriedBecca · 13/06/2016 15:59

I've very recently been a student and I struggled massively to get a summer job. Most of them advertised in January so if she doesn't have one already, she'll really struggle. It also depends where you live - I lived in an area with lots of factories and working picking vegetables on the land and would have taken a job working on a packing line or picking fruit or whatever but there weren't any at all. As for bar work, there were two bars and they all hired their old staff they had before they'd gone to Uni.

Sounds like you need to have a serious chat with your DD about leaving things until the last minute....she won't be able to do it once she graduates!

But I also wouldn't have come home if my parents had made me feel like a freeloader in my summer holidays!

aginghippy · 13/06/2016 15:59

Don't drop hints OP. Have an adult to adult conversation, be completely honest with her. Tell her about your expenses and income (or lack of it) and how her being there increases your expenses. Approach it as a problem solving exercise.

Treat her as an adult and you may be pleasantly surprised to find that she behaves like one.