DD return from University

[user1465822474]

Only DD returned from Uni last week, skint. No sign of any summer job on the horizon (hinting will have the opposite effect to encouragement I fear), expecting free board and lodging for the summer (fine) and to be fed as well (not fine). AIBU to ask her to pay for her own food? She's got an extremely healthy appetite and certainly hasn't starved when at Uni- her diet has been way better than ours actually. Me and husband are both really hard up at the moment because both self employed and owed money so we really can't afford this- or any luxuries. My only one is a quarterly trip to the hygienist for a tooth polish but now I'm feeling guilty about that as DD says she's in real need of one too but can't afford it. Can feel resentment building up at same rate as bank account getting depleted (and we have until October of this, potentially). Don't want to upset her but not sure how best to approach the conversation we'll need to have pretty soon.

I saw something similar with some family member.
The parent kept saying everything was fine and could afford X and y and then Was going on a tangeant about there was no way they could afford X and y and how on earth my relative dare expecting that?

So my first question would be:
Have you talked to your dd about it? Does she know she is welcomed at home but thatr's board only, she will have to pay for her food?
If this is something that has never been talked about, then YABVVVU to expect her to get a summer job and pay for food when she was probably expecting to go back home and be looked after, as she always has been in the past.

YAalsoBVVVU to make her responsible in some ways of your financial difficulties.
I appreciate that you are struggling arm, even more when she will stay but you cannot make her responsible for the financial situation you are in.
You can't have a go at her for not working just because it's creating a problem FOR YOU.
You can tell her about your financial issues. YOu can have a chat wo laying down the guilt etc... Very different attitude that what your OP shows.

I can't believe you would begrudge your child food. It really is another world sometimes on here. Spread your budget out with shopping at Aldi or Lidl.

Oh, that's a good idea! I bet the OP and her DH haven't thought of that one. I'm sure they currently shop in Selfridges food hall.

FFS some of these replies. She's an adult. Of course she ought to at least look for a job.

Why would you 'resent' your daughter for needing to eat? It's not her fault your businesses are failing and you refuse to be upfront about your inability to support her. If you really are so hard up that she is at imminent risk of starvation she will figure it out soon enough when it's beans on toast for dinner every night. Are there any food banks in your area?

I wouldn't pay a random to look after my child, no. Someone I knew, or who's parents I knew who came knocking for work? I would certainly consider it. Why not? For all we know the OP lives in a village where everyone knows each other.

My point is you've got to put in the effort but also not expect to sit around in your backside all summer long, being housed and fed for nothing. Yes, she may get nothing. She'll definitely get nothing if she doesn't try, though!

saphire Completely agree
This takes the biscuit:
"You don't want to feed your own child? Where did you find the get-out clause in your Parenting Charter?"

Because not being able to afford to buy more food is completely the same thing. Parenting Charter, ffs

One of my chidlren (I have had 3 through university stage so far) worked abroad for a holiday company in some summer holidays. The pay was very low buty ou got full board and lodging, had good fun and had a bit of surplus spare money for drinks and going out. Could your daughter apply for something similar?

There are two issues here imo. One is that no one wants to support someone on a 4 month holiday while they're out all day working. I'd never do that.

The second is all adults contributing as much as they can to a low income household.

We're almost at full employment - unless you live very rurally there is pretty much no way there isn't work. In the South east where we live dd had a choice of about 8 jobs in one week. It was very easy for her to secure work.

I would be very disappointed in a person living with me doing nothing while I worked every day to pay for their food, extra washing and showers.

It's nothing to do with 'love' or resentment or jealousy - it's to do with preparing a person for adulthood.

You still have a job to do - she should be out finding work immediately

You are not unreasonable to prepare your adult daughter for life.

Your daughter needs to get down to a temping agency pronto.

I can guarantee there will be a job for her.

I did a summer in an aluminum factory, packing boxes. Met some interesting characters, earned some money. Grafted.

But was pretty glad to get back to Uni in September! Made me appreciate the opportunity of education.

Blimey. When I was at uni & came home in the summer holidays I got a job waitressing. But my parents didn't ask for any of that money. I saved some for funding living while I was away at uni the following term, and I used the rest to fund anything else I wanted to do while I was home for the holidays.

Ive got 2 at home for summer vac.
We don't struggle financially but not getting a job wasn't even on the agenda. One's got bar work & the other's working nights in a supermarket, neither jobs were advertised they both called into pubs, shops & cafes to ask.
We live in a very rural area but there seem to be quite a few temporary jobs, it's definitely worth her trawling about asking.

No firm is going to employ a 14/15 year old as the paperwork and red tape is too much trouble

That sounds like good news for the 18 year olds of this world that are looking for job.

KitKats28

There are currently several posts on my local forum advertising for mother's help/babysitting roles for the school holidays. Keeping an eye on children aged 10+, taking them to activities and helping out around the house
All say 'could suit university student'. There is plenty of work around, perhaps even more so now that Zero Hours contracts mean you don't have to feel guilty if you clear off after 10 weeks.

Websites like TaskRabbit also mean people can work remotely if they aren't in a big town or city

Do you have any family members nearby? Might be best to see if they can "look after "her for the summer ?

Been through this with 2 children so far , one still at uni . Think it's totally unreasonable not to provide food actually . The student loan doesn't go far . Also very hard to get jobs in the summer - times have changed . I'm also totally skint, know how hard it is . My DS is trying to find summer work , loads of applying to places , no luck so far . But he's putting in so much effort , am proud of him . He knows how skint we are , we're making do , & we still have each other. We know this is temporary. When he finishes his degree he should get a good job.

Just tell her she has to get a job, in order to contribute towards the household in which she lives....end of!

My DS is trying to find summer work , loads of applying to places , no luck so far . But he's putting in so much effort

He sounds different to the OP's DD, though, sparkle; what's annoying the OP and colouring some of the responses is the lack of signs of her making an effort to find a job.

*I would be very disappointed in a person living with me doing nothing while I worked every day to pay for their food, extra washing and showers.

It's nothing to do with 'love' or resentment or jealousy - it's to do with preparing a person for adulthood*

^ This.

I guess it's just very different where I live in my weird little bubble in the south west then.

HiddenMeaning, yes great for 18 year olds, but if there is a job available, wouldn't an employer give it to an 18 year old who wanted to work there permanently rather than one who was going to bugger off again in 3 months?

I don't think most of the people on this thread have any clue what it is like to live rurally with barely any public transport, and the buses that are available cost more than an hour's wages each way. To live where there is no industry, no seasonal work and where even jobs for adults are thin on the ground.

It's nice to sit in Ivory towers and pass judgement, but come on! How many of you could actually afford to lose £300 a month without even worrying about it?

DS is about to go to uni, so watching with interest. He has - however - already done pot washing in the local restaurant and does odd jobs locally... His rather meagre allowance does not cover his expensive tastes!

Of course she needs to get a job. True, it will probably be minimum wage and zero hours, but she's 19 with no experience. To be quite honest, I wouldn't even tell anyone I was looking for a summer job, she needs to tell people she's just looking for work. That's probably the only benefit to zero hours - she can choose not to work come September.

She needs to ask any local friends if their bosses are looking for staff. Ask on Facebook etc. Sign up with agencies.

I managed to get a 2:1 whilst working every holiday and a couple of full shifts a week in term time. It wasn't that difficult. In fact it was a damn sight easier than working full time.

The thing is that because the OP hasn't come back, we have no idea whether she lives in a major city or a hamlet.

There've been some really horrible and patronising comments here by people to bloody thick to read the OP properly. Do you think she wouldn't feed her own daughter if she could?

And yes, I know it's TOO bloody thick!

That'll teach me.

Pot washing is hardcore, DS used to do it. He has a couple of days work lined up to keep him in beer money and he's currently looking at the football on TV

DD, on the other hand, is sitting on a beach in Thailand for a month. Paid for herself by doing a horrid retail job all over the hectic Christmas period and lots of events work since. When she comes back she has some more events work lined up and a decent tax rebate due in July (and another holiday lined up with the family).

I can't talk to the experience of a low income household, so I'm not going to butt in on that.

What I can hopefully do is talk to variety of holiday working opportunities available:

My first Christmas and Easter back home, I was able to go back to a job in retail I'd had part time whilst in year 12 - does she have any previous employers she could contact?

My first summer back home, I didn't actually go back for more than a couple of days as I went to work in Europe with bed and board provided. I used a specialist skill (does she have anything like that? Sports coaching? Performing arts?) but there are also summer camp jobs etc.

Next Christmas and Easter I worked on a project I'd heard about through university contacts doing some (non-academic) research/data analysis - does she have any university contacts or do you have any professional contacts who might need short term projects work done?

Second summer I signed up with a temping agency and did everything they threw my way, from fruit picking to waitressing. I hated it but I hated not having any money more, and I was able to get 5 days work per week by accepting everything.

Final Christmas I was asked back by the same people who I'd worked for the year before for a different project. The final Easter was the only holiday I didn't work (revising for finals).

The summer after university I got a job for a residential TEFL thing in my university town, which again had bed and board provided. We continued to recruit quite late so it might be worth her taking a look at something like this before she comes home/in another university town.

None of this is very long ago, so I'm not hopelessly out of touch with what's available now. It's worth her thinking imaginatively about what's out there, and possibly expanding the horizons a bit. For example, it's often quite easy to pick up a free/cheap old bike (assuming she doesn't drive) which gives so much more geographical scope than if you're depending on lifts/public transport/walking.

As a side note, now I'm involved in recruitment I'm definitely biased towards candidates who have worked through the holidays - no matter what their other background - with bonus points if they've had a "real job" and not just a succession of internships. So it's a long term, as well as a short term, game she's playing here.

A final side note, is it just me that wouldn't have dreamed of not working over the hols, finances almost aside? I'd been in the library for 8 weeks - I wanted to be outside/talking to people/learning about something that wasn't my degree! (plus I suppose I still value extra cash over extra free time...)

I don't get the argument about location being important for summer jobs. Presumably, she doesn't have any this at home so could potentially travel anywhere to get a job. When I was a student, I sent CVS of to loads of different places, hotels, tourist attractions etc that take on temporary staff and many include accommodation.