To be livid that friend shouted at my child?

[TinyDancer69]

I am a single parent to my DS who is almost 4. Over the last year I have become close to my friend and her family and they have provided a huge amount of support to me. I am in the process of decorating my new house and she and her DH ave been amazing in terms of the support they have given me with painting, ripping out old carpets, tidying garden etc. Just general all-round helpful. Also very good and kind to DS who enjoys seeing them too.

I have noticed that on a few occasions if my DS misbehaves (as all toddlers do) she will tell him off even though I am right there. She's never shouted but it makes me uncomfortable. So I made a mental note that if it happens again I would say something. I hate confrontation but will not allow someone to tell off DS without my say-so.

We went to dinner with her family to celebrate a charity event they'd just completed. DS was sat next to friend and her DH and having a blast and I was relaxed and enjoying my night, knowing DS was in 'good' hands and I chatted to others at the table.

Then I heard her shout at DS to stop doing whatever it was (think he was messing around with his drink and spilling it). It startled me and was in my view out of line. I went to DS who looked taken aback and took him away from the table to 'chat' to him about incident. In fact I just wanted him away from the table and her. He calmed down,we returned to table and carried on. But I was and am fuming. I think those around the table knew I was not happy but probably thought it was due to DS misbehaving. I didn't say anything and we all went our separate ways a little while later.

But I am very unhappy but maybe I'm overreacting? If it was family, then fine. Or if DS was going to cause himself harm or someone else harm, then I would totally be ok at her telling him off.

I feel cooler towards her now but it's awkward because I feel indebted to her as she's been an otherwise great friend to me.

Any views/advice welcome!

They were looking after your child at their event while you were relaxed and chatting with others. If you were that uncomfortable with her disciplining your almost school aged non-toddler - don't leave him in their sole care and watch (and discipline) him yourself!

YABU

She saw the behaviour you didn't and you were aware that she was taking more responsibility for him at the time.
Yabu

Toddler?! At 4?! Nah mate, that's a pre-schooler. Most definitely old enough to know not to mess with a drink.
Your friend was spot on imo. If you trust her to look after and entertain your child then you need to trust her to discipline him.

YABU. He was misbehaving and making a mess. I'd be glad if my friend did the same.

Maybe watch him yourself in future, instead of relying on others to look after him.

If you don't want other people to tell him off, make sure you're sitting next to him at sit down dinners.

I have no problem with other people telling DS off if it's warranted

Pick your battles op, you never know when you might need good friends like this. They sound lovely. If you are uncomfortable with it, don't let them care for your ds.

YABU.

If I trust someone enough to look after my child, then I trust them to discipline as needed.

I think YABU. An almost four year old is not a toddler, you weren't addressing the issue so she did. If you don't like the shouting then use Clawdy's sentence: "He is going through a difficult phase at the moment but I've decided to play it down, and just have quiet words with him.....could you do the same, it would be a help."

I think everything is by the by. She is a friend, she knows your child, he was misbehaving and she told him to stop. I think she did nothing wrong.

I wouldn't have an issue with a good friend telling off my DS. I would have an issue with a good friend shouting at him, I don't do that myself - I'd be pissed off if someone else did it.

Everything else.

YABVU. Your child is 4! Not a toddler. What are you going to do when he goes to school? Would you expect them to let him do exactly as he likes because you don't like other people telling him off?

My DD is 4 and does not misbehave when out in public. She knows better

YABU, you should have been keeping an eye on your own child, but seeing as you weren't it's entirely reasonable for your friend to discipline him as you failed to do so.

Ignoring this incident, you think other people should only tell your preschooler off in front of you with your say so, but you are not telling him off? Why not? Are they things that dont need a telling off or are you a bit crap with discipline?

As others have said if you are happy for them to watching your DS while you do other things (which is great!) then you need to accept they may need to discipline him and may have different ways of doing it.
I used to look after friends and families children a lot before having my own. I had a 'if you're with me it's my rules' kind of policy, which the children understood, and it was the only way it could have worked really.
Equally with my own children, if they get told off in a different way, or for something I wouldn't tell them off for, I explain that different people have different ideas about what's OK.

The whole point of the original "it takes a village" concept is that other villagers are free to rebuke the child when it misbehaves.

Today's parents often seem to think that "it takes a village" only applies when they want bennies financed by the other villagers, while they moan "don't question my parenting choices" and "how dare you speak to my child!"

Doesn't work that way.

So you think she should have sat quietly by while he ruined her tablecloth or carpet or whatever? how would you have felt if he ended up with juice all down his clothes? Did you have spares?

I would suggest that if your friend is regularly telling your child off in your presence then you have to consider whether are watching him closely enough.

In my house parents get about 2 minutes to sort out their child's behaviour before I step in particularly if they about to damage my home.

Your friend should not have shouted at your DC but a gentle telling off would have been OK IMO.

If you don't want other people to discipline your child then do it yourself. He was sitting next to your friend and tipping a drink? Maybe she didn't want to end up covered in the drink?!

Sit by him yourself next time

I think it's a slight over reaction

YABU. They sound like great friends, better than many family members for some, and they are treating your son accordingly - love and fun, but discipline when necessary. I have no issue with close friends / family putting my 4 yo in her place when necessary and they are happy for the same in return. Sounds like on balance they adore him, but actually respect is important too, and if they look after him without you at times, that's part of it. It does take a village to raise a child, I believe that.

My close friends will tell of our kids if they step out of line, but they will do it in the same manner that we would (we don't shout, we talk calmly and at eye level) and I have no issue with that. In fact, it's great to know that my kids can't take the hand out of them and I think the fact that they are consistent with the methods that we use at home is a big part of why I don't have an issue with it.

If someone yelled at my kid I would be annoyed though,.