To be livid that friend shouted at my child?

[TinyDancer69]

I am a single parent to my DS who is almost 4. Over the last year I have become close to my friend and her family and they have provided a huge amount of support to me. I am in the process of decorating my new house and she and her DH ave been amazing in terms of the support they have given me with painting, ripping out old carpets, tidying garden etc. Just general all-round helpful. Also very good and kind to DS who enjoys seeing them too.

I have noticed that on a few occasions if my DS misbehaves (as all toddlers do) she will tell him off even though I am right there. She's never shouted but it makes me uncomfortable. So I made a mental note that if it happens again I would say something. I hate confrontation but will not allow someone to tell off DS without my say-so.

We went to dinner with her family to celebrate a charity event they'd just completed. DS was sat next to friend and her DH and having a blast and I was relaxed and enjoying my night, knowing DS was in 'good' hands and I chatted to others at the table.

Then I heard her shout at DS to stop doing whatever it was (think he was messing around with his drink and spilling it). It startled me and was in my view out of line. I went to DS who looked taken aback and took him away from the table to 'chat' to him about incident. In fact I just wanted him away from the table and her. He calmed down,we returned to table and carried on. But I was and am fuming. I think those around the table knew I was not happy but probably thought it was due to DS misbehaving. I didn't say anything and we all went our separate ways a little while later.

But I am very unhappy but maybe I'm overreacting? If it was family, then fine. Or if DS was going to cause himself harm or someone else harm, then I would totally be ok at her telling him off.

I feel cooler towards her now but it's awkward because I feel indebted to her as she's been an otherwise great friend to me.

Any views/advice welcome!

[SuperFlyHigh]

Look after him yourself. YABU.

[Smartiepants79]

If you don't trust them to discipline him appropriately then you can't leave him in their care.
Or anyone else's care. Ever.
I have no issue with trusted friends disciplining my children if they are misbehaving. I'm always mortified if they have to.
I would not look after a child I was not allowed to tell of if they're being a pain.
Oh, and he's not a toddler. He'll be at school soon. Presumably it'll be ok for the adults there to discipline him without your permission?

[NarkyKnockers]

It depends whether she full on bellowed or just told him off. If she just told him off I don't see the issue. After all if the drink had gone over it likely would have ended up all over her. Although I probably would have just told him if he carried on he would have to go and sit with you so I could enjoy my evening without having to watch someone elses child then getting the evils for not doing it properly

[Eminado]

If he was spilling the drink and she was next to him, what did you expect her to do? Just watch and possibly get wet herself? You weren't watching.

1. At 4 he is old enough to be taught not to do that
   

1. You cant have it both ways ie leave other people to sit next to him while you relax and chat but then disempower them from acting if he misbehaves.
   

Also your thread title is a bit OTT - "livid"? Also did she really shout or just speak firmly?

As parents it's easy to minimise our children's bad behaviour but it doest do us or the child any favours in the long run I don't think.

[Terryscombover]

Actually I think differently and this incident isn't a one off from what you say. I hate it when other parents jump in a tell off my DS when I'm right there and gathering breath to deal with it. Infuriates me. Strangely only the parents of just daughters do it!

And if I can't see what's happening. I'd rather they informed me than shouted at him. I'm not anti discipline at all but actually I do know what works best for my DS.

YANBU OP.

[WankersHacksandThieves]

So you are relaxed and chatting and have left your son in the care of someone else who tells him off for misbehaving and now you are "livid" .

You parent the way you want but if you want to do that, then you watch him, don't leave him in the care of someone whose parenting style you don't like. Either look after your own child of accept that other people might tell him off for misbehaving.

[SuperFlyHigh]

read Music's post (CBA to copy and paste) where she says her DD knows how to behave when she's out as she (the DD) knows better.

And no, he is not a toddler and shouldn't be treated as such by you or others.

[clicknclack]

I don't agree with a bunch here, we all have different tolerance levels for various behaviours and just because one adult is not ok with it does not mean that the behaviour itself is "naughty".

e.g. my father yelled at my kid because he was pounding dirt with a sledge hammer he had asked to borrow. It was annoying my father which is fair enough if he asked my kid nicely if he would mind not doing that near him because it was loud or whatever but he yelled at him that he should't be doing that and needed to stop 'now'. IMO it was my dirt, my garden and my kid and he wasn't being dangerous or damaging anything and if I am standing right there watching it then I don't need your help.

When things had calmed down I later spoke to DF and asked him please to let me handle behaviour if I was there and if he had a problem with a behaviour then to either request DS stop politely as one person would to another or ask me to intervene.

DF didn't agree, but DM did and told DF he should leave it to me when I'm there. I trusted DF to look after my kids alone but we have vastly different tolerance levels for normal kid behaviour. e.g. shouting "YES!" when crossing finish at Mario kart (our family allows that within the realm of sportsmanlike behaviour so long as gloating is kept to minimum) DF doesn't like the loud sound and will tell DS off even if he is in another room.

So OP, I would wait until this has firmly blown over and then very politely ask friend if she would let me handle discipline when I'm there and if there is something bothering her to let me know. I would add that if I am not there or there is a safety issue or it is in her home I of course 100% trust her to handle it, that I just feel it is less confusing for DS if I handle things when I'm there.

[SuperFlyHigh]

For all you know she could have warned him once or twice "be careful with that drink now, don't spill it" therefore a 2nd or 3rd time would probably warrant her being a bit more stern or raising her voice. Especially if eg the drink was being spilled over her or him.

[TinyDancer69]

Ok consensus is that IABU. That's why these boards are so useful- I get a rational perspective to something I'd otherwise be upset about. I am sensitive as a person. And DS had had a tough year following break up with his DF, so I guess I am over protective. I know DS can be a little monster when he gets wound up and in future I'll make sure I'm sitting next to him.

To answer a couple of points-questions. PaulAnka: pfb? And my friend invited us and insisted DS sat with her and her DH, so was well aware it wouldn't be a child-free night.

No, I'm not crap at discipline but I don't shout unless there's danger involved. My DS does get told off but I do take the point that if he's sat next to them, then I am essentially giving them permission to tell him off.

Yes, she shouted and loud enough to startle me.

This feedback (well most of it) has been really helpful so thanks for giving me the benefit of another point of view 😊

[EweAreHere]

YABU. If you didn't want someone else to correct your child's behaviour, he should have been sitting with you instead of them. But you left them all to it and even admit you had no idea what he had done (messed about), what he had been asked to do (not mess about, most likely), and weren't in a position to correct him yourself. So of course your friend got on with it, since you'd left him with her.

Will your child be allowed at friends' homes for play dates and various venues for birthday parties? Will their parents or venue staff be allowed to correct and call your child out on poor behaviour? Even if you're across the room chatting with other parents, so present but not paying attention?

Teachers at preschool and school will also be correcting your child's behaviour in future ... are you going to be livid about that as well?

[WankersHacksandThieves]

...and I'd spend have the summer at peoples doors if I went and spoke to their parent instead of just telling the child off.

i.e. if some kids are kicking their ball about and it is hitting my car etc, I just give them a bellow out the door. Going round 3 or 4 houses is overkill. I can deliver the message quickly and efficiently myself.

[LilacInn]

I think it's healthy for children to learn that different people have different tolerance levels and that what mum thinks is OK is not necessarily OK with the rest of the world, and vice versa.

They are going to have to get used to obeying people other than the parent at some point - care workers, grandparents & other family, police, teachers, employers, etc. and nothing is more obnoxious than a kid who thinks he doesn't have to do what anyone but mother says. That child will have a tough row to hoe in the real world.

[Eminado]

So click you tolerate kids spilling drink on you/your furniture?!

I personally can't see how that can be a tolerance level issue especially when I am the one at risk of getting wet.

He is 4, not an uncoordinated 10 month old.

[user1464837504]

I have this exact relationship with my best friend. Except I'm the 'friend'. Her two kids are gorgeous, raised well, but sometimes get carried away/over-excited/push the limits if they know mum's not watching, or distracted. I don't think twice to pull them in to line. Neither does she if she's there.
My friend hates it when she's left being 'the bad guy' for always correcting behaviour etc. Its nice to have it reinforced by friends/family so they become aware that its not just mum's rules, its simply how you get by in the wider world.

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

If you didn't want your friend to do this and knew it was a problem, you should have taken responsibility for him yourself. You left things in her hands knowing what could happen. I think you must let people do it their way if you're going to abdicate parenting responsibilities.

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

Ah, it's all over :)

[NarkyKnockers]

If she was getting splashed I guess raising her voice might have been instinct? What typeof things does she usually tell him off for?

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

He was deliberately spilling a drink at four years old, and you don't think that warranted telling off?

He's not a toddler. He'll be at school soon.

If you don't want people to do your parenting, do it yourself. You sat down to enjoy your evening, knowing your child was sat with other adults. You can't then be annoyed when they have reasonable boundaries.

[EweAreHere]

x-posted

I'm glad you're taking it all on board.

Frankly, I'm always relieved when someone notices poor behaviour and corrects it when I've got my hands full elsewhere. With 3, it can come in handy!

[WorraLiberty]

Then I heard her shout at DS to stop doing whatever it was (think he was messing around with his drink and spilling it)

What do you mean you 'think'?

Surely you spoke to your friends and asked them?

[PurpleDaisies]

I'm a teacher and regularly tell other people's children off on autopilot. Random children I don't know apologise with "sorry Miss". I think I must retain my death stare and don't mess with me voice outside school. I very rarely shout-it's all about tone and glare.

I'm glad you've seen you're being unreasonable. You could tell your friend that if she needs to tell your son off you'd rather she didn't shout at him. I'd try and see it as a positive that she's willing to help with discipline-no one can be everywhere all at once.

Sorry you've had a tough year. In my experience children who've had a big change at home respond better to having strong boundaries so they feel secure that being treated with kid gloves and allowed to behave as they want.

[LadyAntonella]

Yabu.

[KittyVonCatsington]

Lovely last post there OP. Hope your friendship stays like it is, she and her DH sound great, really!

One last thing, your friend may well have been quietly asking your DS to stop tipping his drink for a while before she resorted to the 'shout' you heard. Just a little thought..

[Arkwright]

If she has had to tell him off on quite a few occasions then your discipline methods are clearly not working. If he is starting school soon he needs to learn what is and isn't acceptable.