To be livid that friend shouted at my child?

[TinyDancer69]

I am a single parent to my DS who is almost 4. Over the last year I have become close to my friend and her family and they have provided a huge amount of support to me. I am in the process of decorating my new house and she and her DH ave been amazing in terms of the support they have given me with painting, ripping out old carpets, tidying garden etc. Just general all-round helpful. Also very good and kind to DS who enjoys seeing them too.

I have noticed that on a few occasions if my DS misbehaves (as all toddlers do) she will tell him off even though I am right there. She's never shouted but it makes me uncomfortable. So I made a mental note that if it happens again I would say something. I hate confrontation but will not allow someone to tell off DS without my say-so.

We went to dinner with her family to celebrate a charity event they'd just completed. DS was sat next to friend and her DH and having a blast and I was relaxed and enjoying my night, knowing DS was in 'good' hands and I chatted to others at the table.

Then I heard her shout at DS to stop doing whatever it was (think he was messing around with his drink and spilling it). It startled me and was in my view out of line. I went to DS who looked taken aback and took him away from the table to 'chat' to him about incident. In fact I just wanted him away from the table and her. He calmed down,we returned to table and carried on. But I was and am fuming. I think those around the table knew I was not happy but probably thought it was due to DS misbehaving. I didn't say anything and we all went our separate ways a little while later.

But I am very unhappy but maybe I'm overreacting? If it was family, then fine. Or if DS was going to cause himself harm or someone else harm, then I would totally be ok at her telling him off.

I feel cooler towards her now but it's awkward because I feel indebted to her as she's been an otherwise great friend to me.

Any views/advice welcome!

[gandalf456]

Yes this would annoy me too. I had this from my sister who had different views on how to discipline, often told ds off and told me off too. The worst was that it was always little things that i would let go. We had a massive, massive confrontation over it. Ds was a similar age at the time and not very sensible but he grew out of it, mostly, and, in hindsight, my approach was right

I don't think it's on if you're there. It makes you feel small and that you're doing a bad job and undermines your confidence

[quencher]

I haven't read the whole thread but I did fall out with my mum over this sort of thing recently. I don't think it's ok to discipline someone else's child. I think it's better to assume that they will deal with undesired behaviour in their own way, which may not be publicly shaming the child. I hate it when children are forced to apologise. They are not given time to reflect or feel sorry, they have to say it under duress while they're often still feeling angry. One parent did force my child to say sorry once. I didn't like it but I let it go.this is one of the most awful replies I have seen on Mn. When do you expect your child to apologise? How long does that reflection take? Do you actually tell them what they have done wrong or do you wait for them to figure it out by themselves through this process of reflection? If they understand that something is wrong by themselves, why can't you make them apologies?
It's not wrong for other people to discipline your child as long as it's not abusive. What do you think the teacher at school will do if your child does wrong?

With the op, it's part of a bigger issue. Anyone who reads the first post would understand that. Secondly, the child was sitting next to the bf , she could have moved the drink to the side when he was playing with it rather than being drunk.

If your child hit mine, I will ask for an apology if necessary. I make my child apologise straight way. It's the decent thing todo. You tell them not do repeat such a thing again.
I would not wait for your child to reflect while mine is in tears child. (Honest, probably I will poll them away from yours and make it known they have done wrong ). Your comment makes you come across like a parent whose only interest is to please their child regardless of what happens to others. Luck of consideration for other people's children constitute negligence on your part making your child a bully.

Why can't your mum discipline your child? I can understand if she was not a good mother to you but I don't see why she can't if she wasn't.

Making an apology is not public shaming. It's only public shaming if your not wrong in the first place. When children apologies, it's for the action not themselves. You have to point it out and make it clear that it's the action that is wrong.

[Blu]

Ha, rtft now and may well be told to 'do one'.
But I stand by my 'in principle ' approach . Can't be doing with this 'my child, my kingdom' attitude amongst actual good family friends.

[Waltermittythesequel]

Good luck with it! I know it's not easy!

[Blu]

Hmm, haven't read whole thread, but I think as your children grow they make their own individual relationships with aunties, grandparents, family friends. And if someone close is the one interacting with them, it's ok for them to take reasonable measures: to praise , treat, joke with , and pull up short where appropriate.

[TinyDancer69]

Waltermitty Couldn't agree more! It makes me sad but it's what I need to do. I'll have DS around her less from now on and when he is around her I'll be ready to step in if necessary and reassert my position.

[swimmingupstreamagain]

I haven't read the whole thread but I did fall out with my mum over this sort of thing recently. I don't think it's ok to discipline someone else's child. I think it's better to assume that they will deal with undesired behaviour in their own way, which may not be publicly shaming the child. I hate it when children are forced to apologise. They are not given time to reflect or feel sorry, they have to say it under duress while they're often still feeling angry. One parent did force my child to say sorry once. I didn't like it but I let it go.

[Waltermittythesequel]

But it's all about perspective, Tiny. From the things you've written in your OP it sounds like they do an awful lot for you. And some people could see that as you taking advantage of their kindness then throwing a strop because they dared to give out to your little darling whom they've been looking after while you chat to your friends.

I know that's not what happened, of course. But it's how they see things, or how the people around you see things that forms these problems IYSWIM?

I think in order to have boundaries you need to stop having them help you so much.

As I said upthread, I know a woman who sounds exactly like your friend. She 'adopted' a single mum at the school years ago pretty much against her will so I see how it can happen.

The poor woman couldn't move without her "rescuer". She didn't need or want rescuing but the queen bee was so full of self-importance at helping the hapless one there was no stopping her.

It still goes on till this day though she's backed off since single mum got a new partner...

My (long winded!) point is to be forceful now if you want a bit of separation. Because it sounds like her help comes at a price.

[TinyDancer69]

Hi lem73 I didn't think you were at all!! Your ex-friend sounds like a nightmare😬 I'd bin her too 😃

[lem73]

Sorry op I didn't mean to imply you were taking advantage at all. That was just the situation I was in.

[TinyDancer69]

lem73 I would hate that too and don't blame you for feeling that way! I wouldn't have a friend like that. I really don't believe I take advantage of this friendship at all. In fact I have never left my son with anyone apart from my sister. I don't have family close by so do everything for myself. So having friends who want to help and insist on doing so is great. It's just I'm so used to not asking for help this feels overbearing in a way? My ex left everything to me in terms of DS because ultimately he didn't want him. Heartbreaking. He's much better as a part-time parent tbh. So I feel both like a one-man band and vulnerable to strong-willed people, as ex DP was a bully to me.

All I want to do is work on my boundaries and do what's right by my son.

[lem73]

The mother of dd's friend went through a very hard marriage break up last year. She really didn't cope very well and I offered to take her dd a lot to give her a break. She started to take advantage a bit. Her dd's behaviour was quite poor (always had been not because of the break up) and I got worn out by her ignoring my polite instructions eg don't climb up the tree please. One day she was being mean to my dd. I tolerated it for a while but then said you need to stop doing that or we won't have you around again. The mother stopped talking to me because no one was allowed to tell off her kids but I told her if you're going to leave your child with me for 7 or 8 hours a day, for sleepovers or on days out to the seaside or theme parks either you tell her to be on her best behaviour or allow people to reprimand her. I'm glad she flounced off because I was sick of having to put up with such behaviour.

[CheerfulYank]

Depends on the friend for me. I have a few good friends who would absolutely pull any of my DC up on their behavior and I'd be fine with it.

I have another friend that I don't want my oldest son around. She's way too harsh and admits freely all the time that she doesn't really like boys once they're past baby age. She wouldn't be fair to him. Tbh I won't really have any of my kids around her for long and I wouldn't leave them with her unless it was an emergency. Shes a good mom to her kids but she doesn't really like other children.

[ScoutandAtticus]

Yanbu. I had a friend who used to take it upon herself to tell my children off. She is now an ex friend. I wouldn't have minded of it was for something serious or if I wasn't on the room but that wasn't the case. However, I have been in the position where a parent doesn't discipline their child when they should, so if this is the case for you (not saying it is) then perhaps your friend feels she has to intervene. It's not ok to shout at other peoples children though IMO.

[Loriela]

She can tell your child off! Even a stranger in a bus can tell your child off! Is actually helping u! You are to attached to him to realise that! No one is hurming him and you do no good by taking him and talk to him! He will think is wrong to the told off. You need to change your feelings and let child free to understand that he is wrong sometimes and he will get told off! By his teacher... neighbour... friend... a stranger in the park.

[OhLaVache]

I'm fine with close friends telling my kids off - I prefer it to be overt though, and have the conversation with good friends establishing that we're ok with one another disciplining our children. Why leave things unspoken when it's such a potentially sensitive area?

[NickiFury]

See this is it. I do find myself wondering about the motivation that posters have to post having NOT read the thread and so NOT having a clue what's really going on and therefore looking like doughnuts. I just don't get it

[TinyDancer69]

PaulAnkaTheDog 😅

[HarryElephante]

I don't believe in raising my voice at my children (never done it) so certainly don't expect my friends to.

I'd be very pissed off. But yours is a tricky situation.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

gunther before you post like an absolute div read the thread and then comment like a div in relation to the content.

[TinyDancer69]

Oh Gunther just do one will you! Yet another one who can't be a*d reading the whole post. Go do everyone a favour and discipline yourself!

[gunther73]

Others have said that your friend should not discipline your child. Should they discipline you instead?

[magratvonlipwig]

I think all adults should be quite free to tell all kids when they are doing wrong. Parents should be pleased others care enough.
If my kids were behaving badly Id be glad of someone telling them if i hadnt noticed

[gunther73]

Yabu. Stop making excuses for your child's behaviour and do your best to improve it.

Spilling drinks is not on. This is a factual event rather than an opinion regarding acceptability. Your child should be sat at the table while eating or drinking, not wandering around creating Jackson Pollocks on your friends £60psqm pure wool carpet.

If you are not being responsible for other people's property, you will find out soon enough that they will look after their own.

You seem to have a good and supportive friend. Do you want them to continue to invite you round?

[Mycraneisfixed]

I haven't RTFT but it sounds like she's got too involved in your life and has overstepped the mark. Maybe tell her you'd rather she came and told you what she considers bad behaviour and you'll sort it. Good luck!