To be livid that friend shouted at my child?

[TinyDancer69]

I am a single parent to my DS who is almost 4. Over the last year I have become close to my friend and her family and they have provided a huge amount of support to me. I am in the process of decorating my new house and she and her DH ave been amazing in terms of the support they have given me with painting, ripping out old carpets, tidying garden etc. Just general all-round helpful. Also very good and kind to DS who enjoys seeing them too.

I have noticed that on a few occasions if my DS misbehaves (as all toddlers do) she will tell him off even though I am right there. She's never shouted but it makes me uncomfortable. So I made a mental note that if it happens again I would say something. I hate confrontation but will not allow someone to tell off DS without my say-so.

We went to dinner with her family to celebrate a charity event they'd just completed. DS was sat next to friend and her DH and having a blast and I was relaxed and enjoying my night, knowing DS was in 'good' hands and I chatted to others at the table.

Then I heard her shout at DS to stop doing whatever it was (think he was messing around with his drink and spilling it). It startled me and was in my view out of line. I went to DS who looked taken aback and took him away from the table to 'chat' to him about incident. In fact I just wanted him away from the table and her. He calmed down,we returned to table and carried on. But I was and am fuming. I think those around the table knew I was not happy but probably thought it was due to DS misbehaving. I didn't say anything and we all went our separate ways a little while later.

But I am very unhappy but maybe I'm overreacting? If it was family, then fine. Or if DS was going to cause himself harm or someone else harm, then I would totally be ok at her telling him off.

I feel cooler towards her now but it's awkward because I feel indebted to her as she's been an otherwise great friend to me.

Any views/advice welcome!

[Sallystyle]

I had no problem with friends or family telling my children off at all. I was always grateful that they helped out if they caught something I didn't.

Some people are more shouty than others and some are more sensitive to it than others.

Looks like you are reconsidering your point of view but if you continue to have a problem with it you could always mention it politely to her but I personally don't think it's worth causing any potential atmosphere over. She clearly cares about you and your son and is a very good friend.

[TinyDancer69]

PurpleDaisies: you're right. I want to nurture and protect him as he's missing out on being with his DF most of the time. But equally I don't want DS running amok and being the child everyone talks about due to bad behaviour! Such a difficult balance for me. I'm quite a nurturing person both with DS and others' kids. But I guess there's a fine line.

[LadyAntonella]

Oh sorry - I see you sort of know yabu. But really, yes, quite unreasonable. If you don't want anyone else to tell off your child you need to have either A) a perfect child or B) complete awareness and control over what they are up to at all times. Fwiw I prefer it when the people I know and love tell off my DD (where necessary) as it shows they give a shit about her. If I'm busy with something else and DD is being 'spirited' I would be disappointed if a good friend didn't intervene in some way. I don't understand how you could be good friends with this person and think anything else tbh.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Agree PurpleDaises children thrive with strong boundaries and routine and feel more secure. They learn how to behave in social situations and know what to expect.
The little boy here that was told off was probably not fazed at all. He wasn't upset or scared, just taken aback.

[PurpleDaisies]

It must be really hard tiny. Just remember no one gets it right every time, you're doing your best and your son knows you love him even when he doesn't like being told off. Try and see the discipline as helping him to grow up and do the right thing even though you might feel like the bad guy at the time. It'll get better.

[Helloitsme88]

Happy to leave you DS with them as in good hands so you can relax. But not happy about her telling him off if he's not doing as he's told? And now you're bitching about it and being cool towards her rather than just telling her what's wrong. Wow

[katemiddletonsnudeheels]

I'm sure OP if you are as patient and reasonable as this with your little boy you will raise a lovely young man :)

Yes it takes a village - but I must admit I always interpreted this as the local community looking out for and caring for children, not yelling at four year olds for spelling drinks!

[BoffinMum]

I think he sounds old enough to learn different people discipline in different ways, and he needs to learn to read that and respond accordingly.

[katemiddletonsnudeheels]

*spilling

Also, children often do play up most for a parent and thus are angels at nursery and with grandparents and demons with parents.

[LyndaNotLinda]

If you're not sure what he did, maybe he was going to spill his drink all over her lap or her phone or something. Sometimes I raise my voice because I'm alarmed rather than angry.

Was your DS okay after it?

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Tinydancer It sounds like you've got your head screwed on and I'm sure you're a lovely mum. It's easy to lose a bit of perspective that's all.

[PacificDogwod]

Aw, you've taken being told YABU on the chin - kudos to you

I too think YWBabitU - apart from what everybody else said, I have to say that I positively welcome it when trusted 'others' have on occasion reprimanded one of my DCs: it seems to carry more weight when a teacher/neighbour/uncle/friend's mother tells them off, rather than good ol' me. I can control them just fine myself, but they do need to learn that they live in the context of a wider society who also expects certain behaviours from them.

I'm sure your DS will have forgotten all about that incident by now and your friend sounds like a Good Friend and they are not always easy to come by.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

PaulAnka: pfb? And my friend invited us and insisted DS sat with her and her DH, so was well aware it wouldn't be a child-free night

I don't quite get what your point is here? I was just saying that referring to a four year old as a toddler is rather pfb.

[LadyReuleaux]

I've instinctively told other people's kids to shush or stop hitting etc - then felt awful because it's not the done thing, but honestly it just came out. And tbh I wish it was a bit more the done thing – not nasty shouting or anything but just having a parental role.

Once I was in a cafe with my 4yo DS and some friends and he was absent-mindedly kicking against a friend's leg. Friend was a much older man so not up with the times, and he quite strictly (but not unkindly) told DS to stop it and not do it again. DS was taken aback but not upset, and did stop. I found it really refreshing tbh.

[gooddays]

There's a difference between telling off /guiding DS and shouting at him, I wouldn't be happy if a friend shouted at my son no matter how much they had done for me (just because they've helped you doesn't give her the right to shout at your child)

[Atenco]

You sound lovely OP.

It is unfortunately rare for people who come on to IABU and accept that they are. So glad that was sorted out for you.

[TinyDancer69]

Helloitsme: did you read my update? Bitchy I am not. Asking for honest feedback from a broad group of people? Yes I am. Isn't that the point of these boards?

Trevor - that's it really - I don't like some yelling at my child unless there's danger. But I will in future have him by my side and tell him off in future😄 Well we live and learn and honestly thank goodness for this advice, as it does help massively to get some differing perspectives!

[TinyDancer69]

PaulAnka - I was asking what pfb means?! And the rest of the sentence was addressing others' comments. Sorry for the confusion.

[PacificDogwod]

Precious first born

We can all be guilty of that….

[TinyDancer69]

Pacific - Ah I see! In that case yes, and he's my only child - had him very late in life 😍

[LadyAntonella]

'Yelling at' is different to 'telling off'z I'm not sure which your friend did as I wasn't there, but either way, it sounds like you have the right idea now. If your friend is the sort to randomly yells at 4 yos then I would question my relationship with her. If she told off your son because he was misbehaving and because she loves you both and wants the best for you then I would be grateful she was there.

[Vixyboo]

I am glad someone else defended toddlers! My ds just turned 2. He pushes boundaries with me at home but for anyone else? Angelic. Totally.

[Helloitsme88]

Will admit I haven't read update. I never said you were bitchy, I said you were bitching about it. Which you are. Speak to your friend. Stop being cool with her. That helps no one. Off to read your update now

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

I apologise op

[WellieWanger]

YABU
I come from a culture where if you were misbehaving, whomever saw you do it would tell you off, take you to your mum who would tell you off and then your dad would tell you off when he came home. Did me no harm. Don't be too sensitive.