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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be livid that friend shouted at my child?

339 replies

TinyDancer69 · 12/06/2016 21:37

I am a single parent to my DS who is almost 4. Over the last year I have become close to my friend and her family and they have provided a huge amount of support to me. I am in the process of decorating my new house and she and her DH ave been amazing in terms of the support they have given me with painting, ripping out old carpets, tidying garden etc. Just general all-round helpful. Also very good and kind to DS who enjoys seeing them too.

I have noticed that on a few occasions if my DS misbehaves (as all toddlers do) she will tell him off even though I am right there. She's never shouted but it makes me uncomfortable. So I made a mental note that if it happens again I would say something. I hate confrontation but will not allow someone to tell off DS without my say-so.

We went to dinner with her family to celebrate a charity event they'd just completed. DS was sat next to friend and her DH and having a blast and I was relaxed and enjoying my night, knowing DS was in 'good' hands and I chatted to others at the table.

Then I heard her shout at DS to stop doing whatever it was (think he was messing around with his drink and spilling it). It startled me and was in my view out of line. I went to DS who looked taken aback and took him away from the table to 'chat' to him about incident. In fact I just wanted him away from the table and her. He calmed down,we returned to table and carried on. But I was and am fuming. I think those around the table knew I was not happy but probably thought it was due to DS misbehaving. I didn't say anything and we all went our separate ways a little while later.

But I am very unhappy but maybe I'm overreacting? If it was family, then fine. Or if DS was going to cause himself harm or someone else harm, then I would totally be ok at her telling him off.

I feel cooler towards her now but it's awkward because I feel indebted to her as she's been an otherwise great friend to me.

Any views/advice welcome!

OP posts:
bangalanguk · 14/06/2016 18:52

Shouting at him is not on. There are better ways to teach children about behaving in the correct way. I would feel annoyed. The only way you can deal with it is to talk to her about it. You take the chance that she won't take it well but otherwise you will continue to feel resentful.

Inkanta · 14/06/2016 19:27

'Have a break from the friendship I say and when you see her, show her the most competent, confident, independent side of yourself.'

I agree. I think this thread is about the dynamics of OP's friendship with a friend who is too dominant and over bearing.

OP knows best how to chastise her own child - and yes she was caught on the hop a bit there - as she sat on another table listening to her child being shouted at, but has come to her senses now.

Serialweightwatcher · 14/06/2016 19:35

It sounds like you are that close (obviously, considering all the help she gives to you) that she feels like she is one of the family and therefore feels he is part of her life to a big extent. I have been known to 'tell off' close friends' children before and would not be averse to them telling mine off if it was justified. She sounds like a good friend and don't forget if teachers etc tell him off in the future you want him to realise it's not just you that has to keep him in line. My best friend passed away a few weeks ago .... don't lose a wonderful friend over this please.

bigpigsmum · 14/06/2016 19:38

If you trust someone to look after your child, then you trust their judgment to pull them up if they step out of line. It works in a pride of lions, they all look out for one another.

We live in a small village everyone knows everyone, if a kid steps out they know damn well someone in the village will report it back to the parents.

Feel proud that you have such a close relationship.

1horatio · 14/06/2016 19:41

I'd be really upset about the shouting, not the telling off.

ample · 14/06/2016 19:43

A four year old spilling a drink or messing around (perhaps a little bored and/or liked the welcomed distraction?)
Can't recall who mentioned that at four years old, a child should know not to do that.
Wow.
I work at a school with reception aged children and I can honest say many many children mess around (with beakers, spoons, place mats etc) at the dinner table. Even children with good manners, yes quite shocking, I know Hmm
They are young children - not robots.

TinyDancer69 I don't think YABU at all. I wouldn't like it if a friend shouted at my DC - no one gives a person that right (with me) unless it is to warn of danger or harm to themselves or others (a split drink is hardy that imo). Certainly ott to chastise for spilling a drink.
Perhaps said friend was showing off a little in front of family
Yeah, I'd go with that.

And I like what Clawdy suggested (first page)

ample · 14/06/2016 19:44

Spilt drink even

Italiangreyhound · 14/06/2016 20:21

YANBU. She should not be disciplining your child when you are there.

You will need to think if it is worth telling her how you feel or not.

If it happens again when you are there just take your ds to one side while saying to your friend.. "It's OK (Geraldine/Nancy?Karen?whatever) I'll handle this."

If there are other people present this may be slightly embarrassing for her and will make her think twice about doing it again.

Just be aware she may make some unpleasant comment, maybe as a poster has already done, about you disciplining child and that meaning she would not have to - as if one lot of disciplining and it's all sorted for life!

So be prepared to just be calm and say again "I'll handle this."

I think eventually this wlll work itself out and you will either end up accepting she is going to discipline your child or she will stop or you will stop seeing each other.

My friend used to do this and it really annoyed me, but she is a good friend, she doesn't shout and I guess when it happened at her house I did cut her more slack (if it happened at my house i would not stand for it at all).

All kids mess about sometimes so disciplining them once isn't going to stop it.

Inkanta · 14/06/2016 20:23

I remember being shouted at by a family friend when I was about 4 - and that it felt very humiliating. I remember that I was probably showing off a bit at the table, and that the family members looked very uncomfortable with this friend, but they said nothing to her.

Italiangreyhound · 14/06/2016 20:26

My uncle shouted at me at the dinning table. It was about 40 years ago. I still remember it. Adults can sometimes be quite mean but think they have the right to do that. Much worse than being shouted at by mu own soft mum!

Rainbow · 14/06/2016 20:32

I have always worked on the principle that if I see it I deal with it. If I don't see it, then whoever did deals with it. Having said that you also mention that your BF deals with situations when you are there. That is unreasonable. My mum does this and we have rowed. She has even tried to discipline my youngest when I am in the middle of talking to him myself. Either my way is not her way or too slow or something else and she jumps in. I would have a quiet word, as it seems to be affecting your friendship, if you're there it's you're place to discipline him. Don't make a big deal though losing her as a friend isn't worth that xxx

Inkanta · 14/06/2016 20:33

Italian - yes I agree it is much worse than being shouted at your own mum.

A 4 year old knows when an adult is being mean - I knew that I didn't deserve to be shouted at like that.

Italiangreyhound · 14/06/2016 20:46

It's basic manners surely, we all know lots of adults (myself included) are rude to kids. I am not sure why we think it is OK, we just do!

If I were to see an adult doing something I didn't like, even in my own home, I'd probably not say a word!

EG taking a cake off the tray before we were all ready to eat.

If I really felt strongly I might say

"Penelope/Jenny/Tony... could you wait a minute I don't want to start until we are all here/all ready etc"

If it is a child, especially our own child, we are likely to shout..

"Thomas would you get off those cakes and wait until we are ready."

Our own child will probably be cross not to get the cake but not mortified to be shouted at.

Rudeness in families is sometimes a bit more OK. Especially if it is said with a bit of a smile.

But another adult, we may just not know how cross they are.

So TinyDancer69 your friend is rude is really rude to shout at your child. It is her manner that are lacking and not your child's.

NickiFury · 14/06/2016 21:17

"Why wasn't he sitting with you in the first place, he is your child. Sound like your friend could gave been a bit peeved at babysitting yet again !!!"

It doesn't anything remotely like that. You just completely made that up.

Mycraneisfixed · 14/06/2016 21:31

I haven't RTFT but it sounds like she's got too involved in your life and has overstepped the mark. Maybe tell her you'd rather she came and told you what she considers bad behaviour and you'll sort it. Good luck!

gunther73 · 14/06/2016 22:32

Yabu. Stop making excuses for your child's behaviour and do your best to improve it.

Spilling drinks is not on. This is a factual event rather than an opinion regarding acceptability. Your child should be sat at the table while eating or drinking, not wandering around creating Jackson Pollocks on your friends £60psqm pure wool carpet.

If you are not being responsible for other people's property, you will find out soon enough that they will look after their own.

You seem to have a good and supportive friend. Do you want them to continue to invite you round?

magratvonlipwig · 14/06/2016 22:33

I think all adults should be quite free to tell all kids when they are doing wrong. Parents should be pleased others care enough.
If my kids were behaving badly Id be glad of someone telling them if i hadnt noticed

gunther73 · 14/06/2016 22:33

Others have said that your friend should not discipline your child. Should they discipline you instead?

Original poster
TinyDancer69 · 14/06/2016 22:41

Oh Gunther just do one will you! Yet another one who can't be a*d reading the whole post. Go do everyone a favour and discipline yourself!

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 14/06/2016 22:45

gunther before you post like an absolute div read the thread and then comment like a div in relation to the content.

HarryElephante · 14/06/2016 22:47

I don't believe in raising my voice at my children (never done it) so certainly don't expect my friends to.

I'd be very pissed off. But yours is a tricky situation.

Original poster
TinyDancer69 · 14/06/2016 22:57

PaulAnkaTheDog 😅

OP posts:
NickiFury · 14/06/2016 23:04

See this is it. I do find myself wondering about the motivation that posters have to post having NOT read the thread and so NOT having a clue what's really going on and therefore looking like doughnuts. I just don't get it Confused

OhLaVache · 14/06/2016 23:11

I'm fine with close friends telling my kids off - I prefer it to be overt though, and have the conversation with good friends establishing that we're ok with one another disciplining our children. Why leave things unspoken when it's such a potentially sensitive area?

Loriela · 15/06/2016 04:05

She can tell your child off! Even a stranger in a bus can tell your child off! Is actually helping u! You are to attached to him to realise that! No one is hurming him and you do no good by taking him and talk to him! He will think is wrong to the told off. You need to change your feelings and let child free to understand that he is wrong sometimes and he will get told off! By his teacher... neighbour... friend... a stranger in the park.