To be livid that friend shouted at my child?

[TinyDancer69]

I am a single parent to my DS who is almost 4. Over the last year I have become close to my friend and her family and they have provided a huge amount of support to me. I am in the process of decorating my new house and she and her DH ave been amazing in terms of the support they have given me with painting, ripping out old carpets, tidying garden etc. Just general all-round helpful. Also very good and kind to DS who enjoys seeing them too.

I have noticed that on a few occasions if my DS misbehaves (as all toddlers do) she will tell him off even though I am right there. She's never shouted but it makes me uncomfortable. So I made a mental note that if it happens again I would say something. I hate confrontation but will not allow someone to tell off DS without my say-so.

We went to dinner with her family to celebrate a charity event they'd just completed. DS was sat next to friend and her DH and having a blast and I was relaxed and enjoying my night, knowing DS was in 'good' hands and I chatted to others at the table.

Then I heard her shout at DS to stop doing whatever it was (think he was messing around with his drink and spilling it). It startled me and was in my view out of line. I went to DS who looked taken aback and took him away from the table to 'chat' to him about incident. In fact I just wanted him away from the table and her. He calmed down,we returned to table and carried on. But I was and am fuming. I think those around the table knew I was not happy but probably thought it was due to DS misbehaving. I didn't say anything and we all went our separate ways a little while later.

But I am very unhappy but maybe I'm overreacting? If it was family, then fine. Or if DS was going to cause himself harm or someone else harm, then I would totally be ok at her telling him off.

I feel cooler towards her now but it's awkward because I feel indebted to her as she's been an otherwise great friend to me.

Any views/advice welcome!

So click you tolerate kids spilling drink on you/your furniture?!

It depends, if it were a little bit of water sloshed a tiny bit I'd warn them that it might all spill and they should be careful.

If it were a potentially stick drink like a fizzy one or juice then I'd be a bit firmer, but I wouldn't shout loudly at someone else's kid about a drink. I'd ask them to stop and if they didn't ask their parent to intervene if the parent was there.

And it wasn't the friend's house from what I read, they were out to dinner.

And it wasn't the friend's house from what I read, they were out to dinner.

All the more reason to behave then, surely?
What if her phone was on the table?
What if the drink was going to go on her clothes?
As said above, what if someone slipped in the spillage?

He is FOUR not 4 months.

Or maybe the "friend" is just a massive bossy boots who thinks she can do a better job with her single parents child because her own child is practically grown up and so friend has forgotten the reality of small kids?

I don't think it's OK to shout loudly anyway at a kid in a restaurant for spilling. What does that achieve?

But I get the impression this friend shouted pretty loudly as everyone, not just the OP was taken aback. Must have been loud/aggressive.

The friend was out of order and the OP is stuck not knowing how to confront the issue because of the dynamics of the friendship.

Thanks for all the replies. As I've said, I was deeply uncomfortable with how she spoke to my DS, regardless of his misbehaviour (which was not serious or I'd know, but probably naughty and over-excited at seeing everyone). I was on edge the rest of the dinner even though he was fine afterwards. So this is more about my relationship with DF and how she is eroding my already weak boundaries.

It has got to the point where I will no longer let it slide and will nip her if she does it again while I am there. Good God, she barely gives me a breath to step in before she interjects. I react very sensitively and angrily to this type of behaviour. I would NEVER think I had the right to parent a child whose parents were there! Not on. So to all the posters saying I over-reacted, perhaps I did, but frankly given the build-up, with good reason!

A massive thanks to all who have given me great advice, some of it hard to swallow, but I asked, and received 🙂

I don't think you should be offended if you weren't there to deal with it yourself, if you are there and you don't get a chance to deal with it and your friend/relative jumps straight in then yes that would be out of order.
I think it's good she's comfortable dealing with him if your not around so long as she doesn't undermine you as a parent when you are and she knows when to step back and let you deal with it when you are their to witness any naughty behaviour.

Sukey
I do think it's sometimes acceptable for a teacher to direct shouting at one child.

You got that bit right.

As I said, controlled shouting, aka a raised voice, isn't the same as loss of temper yelling. I don't know personally know any teacher who would disagree with me. And I know a lot of teachers.

Whilst you don't agree with OP's friend's actions (I'm saying that so you don't have to state your position again ), I don't think your arguments or distinctions are clear. (First time you've mentioned controlled shouting and previously you seem to have used shouting and raised voice interchangeably.) It's also not clear what you intended with your expression of concern about some children coming to school and being alarmed at shouty voices, as though it might be a good thing to prime them beforehand. (If that's not what you meant, what did you mean?)

As for approval of a teacher directing their shouting at one child - in my experience that's less likely to be controlled than e.g. shouting instructions at a group of children. I can think of at least three occasions where I've spoken to school(s) about teachers shouting in the face of a child (uncontrolled).

'So this is more about my relationship with DF and how she is eroding my already weak boundaries.'

Yes Tiny - I'm intrigued to know what you do next. She seems to have a strong personality and is definitely walking over your boundaries, although self sacrificing at the same time, so if you challenged her - you might get a 'after all I've done for you- and this is all the thanks I get ..'

So, not easy.

I think on to her though.

You know he's in good hands, yet you don't want him getting told off? Would you rather he was just allowed to spill his drink on the table??
If I were you I'd happy other people are involved and taking an interest. It can be very lonely being a mum and it sounds like you have a really good friend there.

You said yourself you didn't see it happen so perhaps your friend felt they were in the best position to deal with it at the time. If you are uncomfortable with it then you should speak to your friend but bare in mind if your friend is left in charge of your child she has to do what she thinks is right at the time. I'd hate to think my kids took advantage of my friends by misbehaving if I told my friends they couldn't give them in to trouble. There is also an element of their house, their rules, which your kids have to abide by. I'm sure you'd expect the same at your house.

If my dd is with friends and misbehaves I would expect them to tell her off. Been the same all her life & the group all have the same rules. Fell out with ex-SIL though as she expected to discipline anyone else's children but no-one could discipline her pfb by previous dp

It sounds as though the friend is more like selected family. I get your position, I have felt it myself when others have occasionally told my DS off but, it is also a way for children to gain respect for other adults. I agree its hard but unless they are going too far then I think it can saccutally be a good thing.

She's taken you into her family so you are close. There is no reason why she shouldnt act as 'auntie' to your boy. And it is good for him to learn to take note of someone else other than you as he will be going to kindergarten at some stage.

YABVU. If you are going to entrust them to watch him, that should extend to appropriate discipline. Why was he sitting with them and not you? Presumably because he enjoys their company and feels safe with them, and you enjoy the break from the undeniable demands of a child, which is perfectly reasonable. But I don't think you can have it both ways. Good friends can be hard to find and it sounds like you have some there.

I think i'd be happy there was another person watching out for him. Sometimes it takes an 'outsider' to pick up on bad behaviour

I have noticed that on a few occasions if my DS misbehaves (as all toddlers do) she will tell him off even though I am right there.

Probably because you are right there and yet you do nothing.
If you are "right there" why aren't you talking to him about his misbehavior? Or saying to your friend actually X I don't think he has misbehaved if you disagree with her?

BTW 4 is not a toddler! He'll be in school soon if not already.

There is no way in hell I'll ever sit next to a 4 yo at a table while they do silly things with their drink or whatever and not say something to that 4yo about it.

Ok HisName Read the whole post. I have no issue disciplining my child as I have said repeatedly throughout! I discipline my child quite effectively thank you very much. And if you read the post you'd see that. I asked for advice, not a roasting. So if that's all you want to do, then take your 'advice' elsewhere. I have more than taken on board all the feedback on here, some more harsh than others. But then you wouldn't know that unless you took the time to read it all.

I you considered she isn't trying to erode but actually support you, if she has kids and her husbands supports she probably feels like she is taking some of the pressure away from you having to always be the bad guy. Have an open conversation about it with her, say this is how it made me feel and then ask her why she jumps in, is she not thinking or is she trying to help, just ask for her perspective.

They sound over invested in your life, that's why you didn't like the shouting. You have allowed them to take control of things you don't really want or need them to control and then make it look to others like you need them.

So the shouting was done to show you and everyone else that she needed to discipline your son because you weren't doing it. It's undermining you.

Help isn't help when you don't ask for it. it should be offered if needed and if you don't want it you shouldn't feel bad saying 'no'. If you feel obliged to allow her to choose colours or are fearful of what she might say then you are in what is a controlling relationship rather than a equal friendship. She may not know any other way of having a relationship, unfortunately.

FOG is what you need to look out for: fear (frightened of what they might see/do if you say 'no thanks'), obligation (feeling like you owe them something so they can tell you what to do and guilt (if you say no, you may be made to feel like you've upset her or offended her).

might say/do not see*

Thank you Rickety Wise words and food for thought. That is exactly how it feels. And yet I feel terribly guilty feeling this way.

Wow - you do seem to be particularly "sensitive" OP!

Maybe he should have sat next to you instead, so you could keep an eye on him?
4 is not a toddler

or possibly Op have you thought that perhaps you're mirroring a pattern with your DF that you had with your ex where you are fearing a reaction that isn't going to be there. If you said no to things you didn't like it'd all be OK?