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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be livid that friend shouted at my child?

339 replies

TinyDancer69 · 12/06/2016 21:37

I am a single parent to my DS who is almost 4. Over the last year I have become close to my friend and her family and they have provided a huge amount of support to me. I am in the process of decorating my new house and she and her DH ave been amazing in terms of the support they have given me with painting, ripping out old carpets, tidying garden etc. Just general all-round helpful. Also very good and kind to DS who enjoys seeing them too.

I have noticed that on a few occasions if my DS misbehaves (as all toddlers do) she will tell him off even though I am right there. She's never shouted but it makes me uncomfortable. So I made a mental note that if it happens again I would say something. I hate confrontation but will not allow someone to tell off DS without my say-so.

We went to dinner with her family to celebrate a charity event they'd just completed. DS was sat next to friend and her DH and having a blast and I was relaxed and enjoying my night, knowing DS was in 'good' hands and I chatted to others at the table.

Then I heard her shout at DS to stop doing whatever it was (think he was messing around with his drink and spilling it). It startled me and was in my view out of line. I went to DS who looked taken aback and took him away from the table to 'chat' to him about incident. In fact I just wanted him away from the table and her. He calmed down,we returned to table and carried on. But I was and am fuming. I think those around the table knew I was not happy but probably thought it was due to DS misbehaving. I didn't say anything and we all went our separate ways a little while later.

But I am very unhappy but maybe I'm overreacting? If it was family, then fine. Or if DS was going to cause himself harm or someone else harm, then I would totally be ok at her telling him off.

I feel cooler towards her now but it's awkward because I feel indebted to her as she's been an otherwise great friend to me.

Any views/advice welcome!

OP posts:
SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 13/06/2016 18:50

"Yelling" is different to a raised voice. Yelling implies a loss of control.

There are nuances.

catkind · 13/06/2016 18:54

And my kid is terrified of teachers whether they raise their voices or not. He's very shy with new people, that's just how he is. Clearly all my fault for not shouting at him enough*.

*This is sarcasm for those untrained in its detection, not to be taken literally. There are plenty of kids in schools who are timid, shouting at them at home or at school is really not going to help them gain confidence.

catkind · 13/06/2016 18:54

The OP said shouted, not raised voice.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 13/06/2016 18:59
fascicle · 13/06/2016 19:14

Sukey
Clearly I am not advocating continually yelling AT children to "get them used to it".

It does sound like you're advocating some sort of exposure to shouting before school, and that you think it's sometimes acceptable for a teacher to direct their shouting at one child.

"Yelling" is different to a raised voice. Yelling implies a loss of control.

Yelling is also interchangeable with shouting.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 13/06/2016 20:14

I do think it's sometimes acceptable for a teacher to direct shouting at one child.

You got that bit right.

As I said, controlled shouting, aka a raised voice, isn't the same as loss of temper yelling. I don't know personally know any teacher who would disagree with me. And I know a lot of teachers.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 13/06/2016 20:15

But this of course is a bit of a derailment.

OP for the third time in case anyone missed it YANBU.

LadyAntonella · 13/06/2016 20:22

Tbf when I read the op I assumed shouting meant telling off in a firm voice. That's what I think of when people say shout. I 'shout at' people to get their attention it's in no way aggressive and yes I think teachers do shout but it's usually controlled - not loss of temper. When the op clarified that the friend was being aggressive I immediately changed my IBU to a NBU!

Spottypjs1 · 13/06/2016 21:50

I understand where you are coming from. You are already annoyed by the friend telling your child off when you are present. This basically undermines your own parenting and makes you feel she doesn't trust your parenting choices. I had a friend who would constantly butt in when I was dealing with my child in order to also correct him. This infuriated me as my dc would stop listening to me. Another friend's husband castigated my child irritably for something. his own dc had had spoilt tantrums all day and behaved very badly yet he had said nothing. None of my other friends do this. If they spot something that needs addressing, they do it gently. You also might be sensing that your friend doesn't like your child so much.

trappedinsuburbia · 13/06/2016 22:08

You got me when you said she was telling off your child in front of you.
Just wrong.
It all sounds very controlling and undermining, im guessing they just waded in with all the help around the house as well and you felt you couldn't say no?
I've experienced this before myself, makes me very wary of accepting help off anyone.

Original poster
TinyDancer69 · 13/06/2016 22:10

Thank you Spotty. She and her family are very good to me and DS. However her DD is a young teenager and a lovely, clever, well adjusted child, who is great with DS. Perfect child as my friend often says. I get the feeling she has very rarely needed telling off even when a child. All well and good and I don't have an issue about that. But I do feel she has a short tolerance with my DS and frankly it's not on. I won't have my DS feeling on edge around her. And I can't put a friendship before my DS. So I will either pull away a bit and nip it in the bud if it happens again - which it will. Or may have to let this friendship group slide...

OP posts:
Original poster
TinyDancer69 · 13/06/2016 22:12

Trappedinsuburbia Yes! Tbh that's exactly what happened! I didn't ask they kind of took over. But I shouldn't have let this happen but it's too late now Shock

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 13/06/2016 22:15

Can you ask her to tell you if she sees DS straying into bad/ unsafe behavior as you really want to be able to deal with it yourself?

trappedinsuburbia · 13/06/2016 22:15

Thought so, scary isn't it.
I would start cooling the friendship off, start saying 'no thanks' to any further offers of help.

NarkyKnockers · 13/06/2016 22:28

Does the op actually know what happened though? Did anyone else see? Messing with his drink could be anything from slurping it to deliberately pouring it in the friends lap. If it's the latter I think a lot of people would shout. Out of shock if nothing else.

Intacta · 13/06/2016 22:34

OP, have you ever / would you feel comfortable leaving your DS with friend when your not around?

Original poster
TinyDancer69 · 13/06/2016 22:36

Narky tbh no I don't and was so taken aback by her telling him off so harshly I forgot to ask! This isn't really about an isolated incident. I feel this friendship is controlling frankly. I doubt she means it, and wants to support me. But I'm finding it overbearing ... I even chose a wall colour other than I wanted because she said it was boring and dull Blush I can't blame her, but I need to pull away or put very firm boundaries. I think she'd find that difficult though.

OP posts:
Original poster
TinyDancer69 · 13/06/2016 22:41

Intacta - I would be wary that she'd be harsh with him. She just feels she has the right to correct my DS and tell him off on my behalf. I actually feel powerless in this situation. I am quite quiet and passive so I am fairly easy to 'control'. That's my issue though, not hers.

OP posts:
AnnaMarlowe · 14/06/2016 01:39

Tiny Seriously? you changed wall colour because and adult who doesn't live with you suggested that you should?? Shock

However overbearing she may be you need to strengthen your boundaries. Why are you even discussing wall colour with her?

it is perfectly reasonable to say a firm, smiley "no" to someone.

"I'm happy with this one"
"Thanks but I'm going to stick with my first choice"
"It's not boring, it's soothing" etc etc etc.

You need to practice speaking up for your DS and for yourself.

NavyAndWhite · 14/06/2016 01:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inkanta · 14/06/2016 04:54

Yes some red flags here. Something about your friend gives me a stomach flip.

And the way she shouted at your son feels wrong. Trust your instincts.

Inkanta · 14/06/2016 05:28

Tiny - also, when you say you feel 'indebted to her' - I assume that you feel like you owe her, and that this stops you from speaking plainly about what's bothering you.

She seems to have some control - having done all these 'good' things for you in the past.

SundialShadow · 14/06/2016 05:43

I wonder if your DF is looking for a project now that her "perfect" child is all grown up?

Trying to make your DS into a perfect child, helping you improve your house, steering you away from imperfect wall colours.

The problem being that she has forgotten how imperfect 4 years olds can be and finds her anxiety triggered by his behaviour. A good friend would draw you attention to a naughty child and not step in while you were nearby or across the table unless there was a danger or harm or serious damage.

A really good friend would remember the little chap has seen his parents split and all the upheaval that goes with that. A better friend would remember that kids get cranky when bored or tired and refrained from comments about "attention seeking".

I would give myself some breathing space from this friend OP, especially as you are already uncomfortable with her muscling in on your autonomy. If you do take up the friendship again, perhaps make it clear you will be disciplining your own child, picking your own damm colours and buying a sketchpad for DS to bring to restaurants so he has something to do with his hands.

Worcswoman · 14/06/2016 06:13

Is your DF taking over your life/parenting because she feels you are wanting her to by leaning on her so much? Just being a bit more independant and looking after your own child may be all this friendship needs?

midnightlurker · 14/06/2016 06:32

Have not read the whole thread but I am happy for my friends to tell my DC off/stop them from doing things. We all look out for each other's children. We do have similar values/parenting styles though. Your friend was doing what friends do, helping you by dealing with the situation and giving you a break.

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