Guest helping herself to food

[limon]

AIBU that a 10 year old guest has just helped herself to food at my house without asking?

It has really irritated me. And she's got really bad table manners - eats with her mouth open very loudly.

Surely as a host you should be offering your guests something to eat/drink if you run a "No helping yourself" policy?

Would you do this to grown up guests? Not offer a biscuit with tea?

My children are teens now and as a battle-scarred veteran of a thousand play dates/sleepovers this would not make the top 100 on my list of infractions. It was a piece of fruit. I think perhaps the annoying chewing has created a negative feeling about this girl and so you might feel more cross about the fruit eating as a result. The chewing would irritate me too, but I wouldn't mention it - I have never thought it's my role to improve the manners of my guests (though I have broken that rule too a few times wrt 'please' and 'thank you' - but only with the children who are like my extra family). Those who say as adults they would never do that, well of course you wouldn't unless your friend said to do so, and that's because we are adults, not 10 year olds

If I know kids are coming over for a playdate straight from school I usually put snack food ready for them, fruit and nibbles to keep them going until dinner time. They don't hassle me for snacks and I don't have to worry that they are eating things that may be reserved for another purpose. It would unreasonable to expect a child to not want to eat anything after a long day at school. My DS is 11 and could eat for England!

"yes Gwen but the host tells you, you don't just walk in and help yourself, it's rude."

Well, yes, but it's not very hospitable to be the opposite way either i.e. you must ask permission if you want a cup of tea. Also, they only tell me once the first time I stay there and I'll do it from then on without checking any more.

I never post on MN threads but this one has me riled.
You are actually complaining about a 10 year old taking food without asking?
The way everyone is going on and on about it, it's as if she has gone into your bedroom, looked through your jewellery and taken whatever she wants.

It's food. FOOD!
I can't get over it.
Thank goodness my children's friends don't have parents like many of you!

I am with you Mother of dragons, my kids always ask for any snack including fruit. They eat constantly anyway. I do think it's rude not to ask but the child obviously doesn't have this rule in her house. I would be tempted to just let it go tbh.
I remember years ago my Mum being horrified when my Aussie mate came to visit for the first time and started to make herself a cup of tea as soon as she arrived, in my mums kitchen. Quite normal in oz, not so in the UK!

I don't know how those of us/you that are bothered by this behaviour can't find it in you to make your unspoken house rule explicit to the child in question without getting worked up too?
I saw one of DS's friend rummaging through the freezer for a lolly once and did find it a bit strange (said nothing), then another day DS himself came back home with an ice-cream cone 'from XXX's fridge': clearly just like DS's friend I had forgotten to make that one explicit (=don't help yourself in other people's fridges) and he hadnt worked it out by itself (not surprising, since he has social communication issues).
As an adult I'm always grateful to people who are explicit in expectations (for instance in work cultures etc). Telling people how you would prefer things done without being horrible is a great skill, I think.

We always had open house to our kids friends and their parents were generally the same, one of DDs friends had parents who didn't let their kids take food so obviously visitors didn't either. I look at these adults now, aged in 20s 30s and 40s and they are still like family and now I am getting to know their kids. I am glad they made themselves at home with us but I do understand that if you are on a strict budget you can't do it. If you aren't on a strict budget then food is for eating, isn't it?

• 'just like DD's friend's mum'

YABU. She helped herself to a piece of fruit. I have a help yourself to fruit policy at home too. Didn't realise it want the done thing.

This is the norm in Oz. My best friend was Australian and used to do it I was mortified and we weren't allowed to but luckily my mum found it quite endearing.

You are expected to join st help yourself over there. Us Brits could go very hungry there

I love the way that some people assume that their way is the only way and judge her manners, her parents, her home life based on a child taking a piece of fruit.

We have a rule in our house that you don't help yourself but you can eat as much fruit as you want.

Anna Marlow, Zucker isn't 10 years old either. Don't be childish.

At any rate, even if it's decided the child has to be told he should ask first, there must be a way the host can say it nicely?
Otherwise it's like it's assumed it's obvious he should have known, which by the look of this thread, it isn't.

I would be more surprised than annoyed if a child did this in my house. When kids come round, I usually offer them a snack and a drink, or my own kids might say "Can we have a biscuit?" and get themselves and the friend one. I would find it quite odd if a child helped themselves and expect them at least to ask their friend (my child) if not me.

But as this thread shows, and the other thread about children asking for food or helping themselves in their own homes, people are very different about this.

When I was a kid (11+) I had a friend whose parents always bought in bulk from Costco and always had massive quantities of crisps, chocolate, fizzy drinks etc, the kind of thing we didn't really have except for special occasions in my own house. It always felt really naughty going round her house and having loads of treats, but even then I wouldn't have helped myself. I would have at least asked my friend if I wanted something.

In our house we expect our child to ask for sweet treats.....probably because he wouldn't pick fruit without encouragement from us.
When his wee friend was over he spotted the Xmas sweet bucket and dived in, we had to tell him it was ok but he had to ask first.
Food must be eaten at the dining table, same with juice unless they are playing outside. The friend also has really bad table manners, he's only 7 so there's time to learn but when he is out with us I ask him to sit at the table properly (no eating while standing or running around) and I've had to remind him that he can take his time to eat rather than stuffing it in. If I -force- encourage my son to do it then I can't let his friend think it's ok.

Give her a break! She is just a child and probably didn't even think twice before helping herself to food...

I don't likedcs (mine or anyone else's) taking without asking ( I might be about to serve up a meal ) and actually I sometimes say no, it's too close to the next meal or the fruit in the bowel is needed for lunch boxes. I think the dcs should be hungry before meals and constant snacking prevents that.

a1poshpaws No I would imagine she's not 10yo but the etiquette isn't any different.

You don't walk into someone's house and take their food without being offered. Ever.

And yes dcs do have friends who come from houses where this normal, I don't call them on it, but tbh the dcs usually do.....

I am considered strict and a bit old fashioned , which actually I'm rather pleased about :)

Interesting thread - large numbers of posters feel that food should be offered and regular consumption should expected. We are a nation of widening waistlines and the US has just reached 40% adult obesity. Snacking is one of the main causes of overweight in children and yet we adults have made it the norm.

I find this thread very interesting - my DC are still a bit young for parent-less playdates and so we haven't established any rules for guests. However I do expect my own kids to ask first and so would be most displeased if visitors went foraging. Guess I should hold off removing the magnetic door locks on the cupboards for a while longer!!

By the way, does anyone have children who get surprised/embarrassed at their friends when they unwittingly break house rules of etiquette? I clearly remember being shocked and thinking 'How rude' when an 8yo acquaintance was visiting (I was 10) and said 'Do you have any crisps?' I went and got them for her, but well. Really.

Glad I am not the only one surprised by the differences of opinion.
With guests I would be shocked if they helped themselves without asking. My own DS asks before helping himself. We are not In the habit of having snack foods in the house and being on a strict budget if a guest helped themselves to fruit would mean that DS lunchbox would be depleted.

Different expectations