Guest helping herself to food

[limon]

AIBU that a 10 year old guest has just helped herself to food at my house without asking?

It has really irritated me. And she's got really bad table manners - eats with her mouth open very loudly.

Even my own children ask before taking food. I am always amazed when they have play dates about the constant requests for snacks. I'm sure the children can't be constantly hungry, they must just have got into the habit of continuous grazing.

I had this when DD3, age 10, had a sleepover.

One girl, who was particularly cheeky and unpleasant, opened a cupboard (dining room, not kitchen, so it had papers and things in - nothing secret but private nonetheless) and was rummaging when I caught her. I'd let her unpleasant behaviour go without comment but at that point I said something along the lines of, "that's private. It's rude to go through other people's things, thanks," and she gave me a scowl and didn't speak to me for the rest of the sleepover. Even at breakfast the next morning when I was offering her a choice of food, she grunted and scowled at me. I was really uncomfortable.

Then I found out that she'd had a sleepover with the same girls and not invited DD3. I felt awful as I'm pretty sure it's because of me speaking to her (and I was really quite gentle, I didn't snap or shout).

Personally I don't think that friendship is a loss but DD was a little upset.

I hadn't been annoyed or angry with her at the time, just a little irritated, but I get annoyed thinking about it now. How dare she make my daughter suffer the consequences of me asking her to behave politely!

I have high expectations thank you - I expect them when getting a drink to offer their friends one too -

I expect manners - please and thank you - I expect homework to be done and rooms kept to a decent standard I expect them to respect their friends and teachers

Most of all i expect them to respect and accept others differences and a learn from that rather than create a problem that doesn't exist!

Glad a few of you have weeded out the 'wrong sort' of child by being judgy - I'm sure the child made up their own mind way before then

MHnurse
How are people seriously excusing bad behaviour?

Whether you consider it to be bad behaviour rather depends on individual attitudes and rulesets. Nothing intrinsically bad about it.

She needs to know that you can't just take from someone else without asking. Basic things you teach a 2 year old.

The food intake of a 2 year old will very much depend on the choices of the parents/carers - not many will have free rein of the fridge. The older the child, the more likely they are to be able to help themselves/have freedom to make their own food choices.

I still remember a friend's mum having a real go because I picked around the shreds in a jar of marmalade- I always did it at home and no one batted an eyelid and manners were really important but clearly not where marmalade was concerned. I was 14 and still remember it 32 years on , so I try not to make any of ds's mates feel crap over something so petty.

I usually encourage my kids to make sure their guests are offered food and drink, but we used to have one little visitor who would call in when my child (his friend) wasn't in! At first I was really shocked, but then I saw that it was nice that he felt comfortable enough around us to be able to pop in for a chat! I'd welcome a visit off him now!

Ha, when I just saw the title I assumed that you meant an adult guest and I thought "well yes, that's a bit rude, normally one waits until food is offered, unless it's laid out with clear intent to be eaten" - but when I saw it was a 10yo girl, then no, YADNBU.

My children ask for snacks. If I let them loose on the food in the kitchen, they couldn't be trusted to stick to the healthier stuff, entirely too much sugar-based stuff would be consumed.

But my children don't eat constantly either. However, when friends come over, they do seem to be constantly on about how "hungry" they are - balls, they can't POSSIBLY be! but they come from homes that are on constant snack cycles. DS1 in particular has a friend who, on any afternoon, will be given fruit, rice wheels, disgusting noodle things and 2 ice poles (at least) at small intervals. So Ds1 gets into the habit too, even though he's not really hungry.

When we were small, the budget was very tight, so we had to ask for food/snacks if we wanted it - unless we wanted to pick our own (e.g. raspberries, strawberries, redcurrants), and quite often we were told No.

I remember once, when I was about 5, raiding my great grandmother's store cupboard and hiding a pack of mini-cheesy biscuits in my top - but was caught of course because I looked so GUILTY - and got a really big telling off and warning that I was stealing (which I technically was of course!) Never did it again. Always used manners and asked first; and that's what I expect from my children and from their friends too.

When they buy their own food, then they can eat it whenever they choose to without recourse to me. Til then, they ask first.

and not in a wierd way either!!

I had a similar situation with my sons friends a few years ago who I found going through the cupboards looking for crisps and the fridge looking for coke. When I asked what he was looking for he said "where do you keep your Coke" to which I replied we didn't have any. You'd think we had no water in the taps. I thought it incredibly rude and just said that if he wanted anything I would rather he asked me. On another occasion I picked my son up from his friends house and while I was there my son opened a cupboard and took out some crisps - I was shocked and told him off (he asks at home!) but the mum said that she had told him to make himself at home and take whatever he wants so it just goes to show why her son helped himself in my house. I do however, think she needed to tell her son that not every house is the same way!

I'd be really happy if they helped themselves. Showed they've made themselves truly at home.

However, if my child did that at someone else's house, he'd probably get a serious telling off (unless of course he was very close to them). I expect my child to ask before he grabs a snack at grandparents too.

I want any guest in my home to feel welcome. My children and their friends may help themselves to whatever is available. I do make sure my youngest dd understands that our guest policies are not the norm in every household and she she should always wait to be offered snacks and drinks at friends.

I really don't understand why an expectation that people should ask for food without simply taking it somehow equates to "not feeling welcome".

Do you, Bathshua, expect to go to another adult's house, walk into their kitchen/pantry and just take something to eat without asking in any way? Do you think this is the only way you could possibly feel welcome?

She's a regular visitor and knows our rules. I do like her but she is an over eater. I probably was BU to be irritated. It was a piece of fruit she had. It possibly stems from how she used ferret about in our fridge. I didn't correct her I let it lie. And no I definitely wouldn't correct her table manners I think she would be embarrassed if I did.

Pearlman
Freedom to make their own food choices at home = fine. In someone else's home = rude. A child would have to have been brought up to think they were the centre of the universe to not understand the difference!

OP has now said the guest is aware of her rules. But generally, I wouldn't expect children to necessarily catch on to the many different expectations between households. They might well first become aware of a rule when they fall foul of it. Removing shoes, for example. Unless specifically asked to do so, doing so is unlikely to occur to a child who keeps their shoes on at home.

I think the point is if a child makes a mistake you don't make them feel shit about it! You can gently say you'd rather they didn't help themselves and ask first without making out it's crime of the bloody century.

We'll Ive, if you didn't correct, didn't point out the rules how on Earth is she going to know? You need to take he blame for this.

What you say is, not a big deal, but we like dc to ask if they need food, fruit is fine, help yourself to A piece and make sure you leave some for others. If in doubt, check?

Slapping of mouths? I literally struggle to hear that kind of crap, it sends me doolally. You can say, please, closed mouths when eating.

Don't make them feel shit, just a gentle comment at the time generally rather than singling out etc

Well love... Was what I meant to say

DS had a friend over and I invited his mum in for a coffee when she picked him up. He put his head around the door and complained that the yoghurts in the fridge were past their sell by dates. I was shocked that he had gone into my fridge and just looked at his mum, half expecting her to be mortified. "Just throw them in the bin" was her reply, and she carried on as normal.

Pearl she actually became a good friend of mine! She had her quirks and some boundary issues, but meant well

For us, once we're past ages 5-6, I would prefer DC's friends to just help themselves ... I don't want to be a servant during their play dates. Earlier - it's sensible to check in with the kids frequently to see if hungry/thirsty and ensure sensible food/drink supplied.

Now older, having reminded the DCs they need to ask their friends if they need anything - they still forget to be a host. I just tell the friends when they enter to help themselves.

During a sleepover last night, I heard one guest saying they were hungry - DC just said to check the cupboard.

I was soooo pleased! Not that friend was hungry, but that DC said check cupboard and the friend was comfortable enough to do so. All happy in the end. And I'm not acting the maid.