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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ask MIL to stay in hotel when she visits - baby is 7 weeks old

523 replies

Ribenagirl1216 · 12/06/2016 08:42

My MIL wants to visit soon when baby (#2) will be 7 weeks old. I also have a 3/5 yr old. MIL lives 4hrs away by car. She last visited, along with FIL, when baby was 2 weeks old and they stayed in a local hotel as I had asked not to have house guests after the baby was born. She also came for a night when baby was born and stayed a night in our house to look after my 4 yr old while I was in hospital overnight.
I've asked her to book a hotel for her next visit (2 nights in a couple of weeks when baby will be 7 weeks old) and she's being huffy about it, partly cos of the cost and partly cos I think she feels should she be staying with us. We have a 3 bed house. The 4 year old recently moved into what we the spare room (where MIL has always stayed in the past in the 3 years we've lived here and she visits often for a coupe of nights each time and does babysitting for us while she's here) and his old box room is now the nursery though baby is in with us for now and the nursery is full of baby's things, clean laundry, baby gifts etc and a sofa bed that takes up the entire room when opened out. We no longer have a spare room. We only have one large open plan (kitchen/diner/lounge) space downstairs too so I don't feel comfortable having guests stay on a blow up bed or similar there.
AIBU? Not sure what the long term solution is but right now I don't want the hassle of sorting the nursery to make it suitable for her to stay in not do I want the hassle of a house guest, however low maintence, full stop.

OP posts:
clarrrp · 12/06/2016 10:20

you have the space. put her up. its rude otherwise.

how would you feel if you partner instructed your mother to stay in a hotel when she visited?

cedricsneer · 12/06/2016 10:23

Rude rude rude. I find it so incredibly precious that kids sleeping arrangements can't get shunted around too. Why can't your ds sleep in the nursery? I'm also interested to hear what would happen if it were your dm wishing to stay?

Fairenuff · 12/06/2016 10:27

So she can stay over at yours when she's babysitting for you but not if you have to move a couple of piles of clothes around?

Thingvellir · 12/06/2016 10:27

I get that you don't want to move DC1 around as its a difficult time for them making way for the new baby, new bedroom etc. But you should let Mil stay in the baby room that the baby won't even be sleeping in yet. Move some of the baby clutter into DC1s room for the duration of the visit so it's not too messy.

I'm not surprised the MIL is a bit upset about being asked to stay in a hotel, she's apparently been a good support to you so far and you shouldn't be looking to upset her.

So a YABU from me I'm afraid.

witsender · 12/06/2016 10:29

Yabu, very. You have room!

DurhamDurham · 12/06/2016 10:29

OP has a seven week old baby and she is entitled

I think we'd all agree with that Grin

WellErrr · 12/06/2016 10:32

YABU.

pandarific · 12/06/2016 10:32

It's a bit mean, sorry OP. Grovel, give her some flowers, get DH to sort the sofa bed and have her to stay. You don't want to damage the relationship long term and cause problems later.

lemonny · 12/06/2016 10:32

Erm actually you DO have a spare room at the mo as the baby is currently in with you.

You're being quite selfish.

RestlessTraveller · 12/06/2016 10:37

OP I sense you aren't coming back but if you do, I have a question.

Would you expect your own mother to stay in a hotel?

Kittyrobin · 12/06/2016 10:42

Yabu and rude!

Griphook · 12/06/2016 10:45

Your poor mil and dh, but in time you can claim that she doesn't bother with you all and you are sooo much closer to your own family

sadie9 · 12/06/2016 10:47

2 nights is very doable. Really, the thoughts of it is worse than what the reality will be. If the weather is nice your MIL can go and play outside with your 4yr old.
Unless the hotel is walking distance/next door and you pay for it, then YABU. For a few months after both my babies I got very territorial and protective like you are, and didn't want anyone in my space. I relaxed a lot as they got older and could 'allow' MIL in a bit more.
However she is their grandmother and you do have a responsible to provide the context for them to have a relationship with her.
If it was for 2 weeks, and if I had a colicky baby that was up all night and all day, that'd be different, but I would be paying for the hotel.

Citizensmith1 · 12/06/2016 10:57

YABU. You've said in the past she's stayed in your house to babysit for you - it's coming across as though you only want her to stay when she can do something for you.

I know you must be completely exhausted as you have a newborn, but if she stays with you (it won't take long to sort out the sofabed & the washing) you might find that having her there all the time works out better - she might be able to take the pressure off you a bit.

She's also DH's mother - would you ask your mother to stay in a hotel? I don't think there should be a difference, if you get on OK with her. IF you think it might be stressful, make your DH be there as much as possible to make it easier. Hope it goes well!

Iknownuffink · 12/06/2016 10:57

Yabvu and I think you know that.

happypoobum · 12/06/2016 11:06

Yep, YABU, unless there is a massive dripfeed about toxic behaviour.

You said MIL is helpful, which implies she isn't sitting around expecting to be waited on, criticising everything you do.

I think you should let her stay on the sofabed in babys room. Just explain it's a bit cluttered but you are sure she can make herself comfortable.

NavyAndWhite · 12/06/2016 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/06/2016 11:07

What does your husband say about your cavalier treatment of his mother? He may be fully prepared to make the room suitable for her stay and to attend to any of her needs.

You've said yourself that your MIL is helpful. What earthly reason could you have for not wanting to accommodate her?

I remember as kids we used to shuffle about to make space for grandparents, it's just the way it was and we were all ages, including a baby.

You sound precious and entitled as if you think you're the boss of the house. I feel sorry for your MIL because she is never going to please you. If I were your husband I wouldn't put up with it either. You just don't treat parents like this when they're done nothing to warrant it.

I hope that you're just having a rant and that common decency will prevail. Be careful that you don't tarnish a relationship that sounds loving and kind.

Pinkheart5915 · 12/06/2016 11:09

Yabu. I'd let her stay

she is your DH mum, so she's your family too so why not make the effort to have her stay? Would you ask your mum to stay in a hotel? If you have ds when his older imagine his wife not wanting you there and packing you off to a hotel despite having space.

NicknameUsed · 12/06/2016 11:20

When my niece was little my sister lived in a 2 bedroomed flat. She always moved my niece into her bedroom so I could sleep in niece's bedroom when I went to visit.

MindTheCrevasse · 12/06/2016 11:31

While I understand your desire for space and privacy, I think you are being rude. How would your own mum feel if DH sent her to a hotel?

You could pay for her hotel... or make space in your home.

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 12/06/2016 11:34

The space isn't an issue -- you have a sofa bed in the nursery (sure, it occupies the whole room when it's out, but it only needs to be out when it's being slept on). And you could put a blow-up bed in your open-plan living area but you just don't want to.

If the real issue is that you are feeling overwhelmed and like you can't cope with a house guest on top of what's still a very young baby then fair enough (although I think your DH should be able to smooth over how much effort is involved for you) but the suggestion that you just don't have anywhere to put your MIL sounds like a really unconvincing excuse.

Original poster
Ribenagirl1216 · 12/06/2016 11:37

I'd not disappeared! My phone was showing no replies until I refreshed it again just now. Which seemed strange.
Ok, to clarify, baby is already in our room in a crib. No room for my older son to bed down on that room with us as well. Older son's room (formerly the spare room) has his single bed but not much floor space None of our bedrooms are big tbh. House is bottom heavy but downstairs layout isn't conducive to guests sleeping there. Older son is up and downstairs by 6am at the latest most days anyway so that's not great either. I don't want anyone sleeping on my sofa sorry. We only have 2 x two seaters anyway so they wouldn't be so comfortable. The sofa bed used to be in the spare room as it fitted fine there. In the box room is can barely extend and takes up the entire floor space when it does.
The ILs have 3 spare bedrooms so have no practical issues accommodating house guests. Is it really so awful to ask her to stay in a hotel until we get more sorted and until baby is a bit older? Clearly it is in most people's views.
I have always been accommodating of her visits thus far. To clarify, she visits at least every 6 weeks at her instigation as she wants to see her grandkids. Is it so out of order to get her to do a night of babysitting each time she's here? It's extra quality time with her grandkids that she craves.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 12/06/2016 11:37

Do people seriously expect their in-laws (rarely their own parents on these threads, I notice) to stay in hotels rather than shuffling the sleeping arrangements for a few days?

Original poster
Ribenagirl1216 · 12/06/2016 11:40

We don't have a 'front room' as others have mentioned so can't put anyone to sleep on a blow up bed there.

OP posts:
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