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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ask MIL to stay in hotel when she visits - baby is 7 weeks old

523 replies

Ribenagirl1216 · 12/06/2016 08:42

My MIL wants to visit soon when baby (#2) will be 7 weeks old. I also have a 3/5 yr old. MIL lives 4hrs away by car. She last visited, along with FIL, when baby was 2 weeks old and they stayed in a local hotel as I had asked not to have house guests after the baby was born. She also came for a night when baby was born and stayed a night in our house to look after my 4 yr old while I was in hospital overnight.
I've asked her to book a hotel for her next visit (2 nights in a couple of weeks when baby will be 7 weeks old) and she's being huffy about it, partly cos of the cost and partly cos I think she feels should she be staying with us. We have a 3 bed house. The 4 year old recently moved into what we the spare room (where MIL has always stayed in the past in the 3 years we've lived here and she visits often for a coupe of nights each time and does babysitting for us while she's here) and his old box room is now the nursery though baby is in with us for now and the nursery is full of baby's things, clean laundry, baby gifts etc and a sofa bed that takes up the entire room when opened out. We no longer have a spare room. We only have one large open plan (kitchen/diner/lounge) space downstairs too so I don't feel comfortable having guests stay on a blow up bed or similar there.
AIBU? Not sure what the long term solution is but right now I don't want the hassle of sorting the nursery to make it suitable for her to stay in not do I want the hassle of a house guest, however low maintence, full stop.

OP posts:
Itsaplayonwords · 14/06/2016 16:47

I think she said that they did offer to pay and the MIL refused? Unless I'm getting confused with another thread.

pennygoodlife · 14/06/2016 17:06

I think there are ways and means of saying things so that people get the message without being completely rude and vile to one another. I'd feel
Rubbish if I was the OP having read some of the comments on here lest just hope she's not a vulnerable person or some people on here would have blood on their hands

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 14/06/2016 17:21

Oops sorry hadn't rtft! Sounds reasonable then. Like I say different people have different ideas on guests, each to their own. Hope the op gets something sorted that her and mil are happy with. Having a new baby can be stressful enough without stuff like this adding to it.

sorenipples · 14/06/2016 18:18

ColdTatty
Having a new baby can be stressful enough without stuff like this adding to it.
Didn't you read? Apparently only a PFB is stressful enough. Your second should be all sorted or you are a failure. If UPSB (unprecious second born) refuses to realise this and doesn't perform, well you are a failure and unreasonable. Hmm

EverySecondCounts · 14/06/2016 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Luckystar1 · 14/06/2016 19:14

Sore that's how I read it too. And as someone due DC2 in a matter of weeks and with a (currently) difficult 19 month old I can assure you I will still be a complete mess by 7 weeks post partum (given that at 6 weeks pre partum I am a mess...)

Italiangreyhound · 14/06/2016 20:39

I'm on the line here but long term you need to find a solution if she is going to stay in your home and babysit for you!

We have a three bedrom house and 2 kids where is what we do.

-Our son stays in his small room whatever happens
-Our daughter who has a bigger room camps on the landing (it's safe as she is now 11 and it is a big landing) before that she used to come into our room and sleep in our room on a camp bed
-Guests get to use our dd's room, her single bed converts into a double
Some guests can sleep on our very comfy sofa but that means they do not get the privacy of a room, so not ideal
-If it is completely necessary we give up oour room, the best one, and we sleep on inflatable bed in living room or in our daughter's room as there is quite a bit of spcae.

I would not want to be doing any of this with a new 7 week old baby so I am going to say YANBU.

But long-term it is not fair to make her pay for a hotel (unless she is loaded), we have to pay for a hotel every time we visit family as there home is too small and it gets expensive!

Italiangreyhound · 14/06/2016 20:40

their home

bigbuttons · 14/06/2016 20:43

7 weeks is not a new born, honestly. Why do people become so helpless and incapable when they have babies?

Luckystar1 · 14/06/2016 20:57

Big I don't think anyone is suggesting people become helpless but at 7 weeks with DS (pfb) I was awake at least 5 times a night feeding. This obviously affects ones ability to tolerate house guests.

I can't speak for the OP, but certainly I have never found house guests to be helpful. The house has to be tidied for their arrival, laundry done, food bought in, food cooked while they're there (3 meals a day usually), general cleaning/tidying while they're there and all the tidying/laundry etc when they leave.

At 7 weeks with only a baby I would've struggled with this. I wasn't having elaborate or even sit down meals, it was more of a grab a quick bite when I could. I don't think this is considered polite when one has guests (even if they are family!). Doing all of this with a very young baby and an older child sounds like hard work.

MrsDeVere · 14/06/2016 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Luckystar1 · 14/06/2016 21:03

Totally agree Mrs. I certainly will expect a slight allowance when DC2 is 7 -months- weeks. Even if only as, with 6 weeks to go I'm such a hormonal wreck I have no idea what I'll be like after the actual birth!!

Luckystar1 · 14/06/2016 21:03

Bloody strike out never works for me!

Italiangreyhound · 14/06/2016 21:09

bigbuttons who says anyone is 'helpless and incapable when they have babies'?

I think babies are pretty nackering and I certainly would not want house guests if I had one.

kali110 · 14/06/2016 21:18

What is it lately with dils being so vile to their pils? All these threads!
Doesn't match the decor?
Don't be a spoilt princess! It's a sofa! She's not diseased, she's not going to contaminate it.
It not matching your wallpaper for two days is not going to hurt you, suck it up.
I would never be like this too my mil.
I hope your kids and their future partners don't treat you like this in the future op.
Can you imagine how hurt you would be?
What if your dh treated your mother or father like this? Would that be acceptable?
Your mil is doing you a favour and the least you can do is move some washing and give her ( the mother of your dh) a bed for a few nights.

Marilynsbigsister · 14/06/2016 21:33

Perhaps if you could actually, HONESTLY say what your DH wants for his mother, we would all stop being so snippy.

Doesn't change the premise though OP. AIBU ? yes you are !!!!

Marilynsbigsister · 14/06/2016 21:34

Perhaps if you could actually, HONESTLY say what your DH wants for his mother, we would all stop being so snippy.

Doesn't change the premise though OP. AIBU ? yes you are !!!!

HanYOLO · 14/06/2016 21:42

YABU OP

It's fair enough to feel a bit done in with a new baby. But your household will have to make minimal effort to make it possible to accommodate your MIL, who sounds - according to the benchmark of MILs described on MN - pretty great. Given that she looked after your 1st DC when you were in hospital, I would be feeling quite - justifiably - hurt if I were her.

Swirlingasong · 14/06/2016 22:16

Everyone is assuming the MiL is lovely and great. Actually all the op has said is that she visits every six weeks and babysits during her visit. This could be a wonderful situation. Or, MiL could be insisting on staying with them every six weeks whether it convenient or not and demanding alone time with her grandchild whether the parents want it or not. We simply don't know.

We do know that MiL has invited herself to stay soon after her previous visit, been told it is not terribly convenient, on this one occasion, but that op and her dh would pay for a hotel so that she could still see her grandchildren. In response she has refused and got huffy with the parents of a new born.

I am honestly not seeing how it is possible for people to have decided with such certainty that the MiL is wonderful and that the op deserves to be treated as harshly as she has been.

lookluv · 14/06/2016 22:29

She is lovely enough to look after your DC and stay in the house but then you want to boot her out - sorry YABU.

this is your second child and you knew she would come and stay.
My mother in law came and stayed for 3 weeks - there were times when it was hard and I wanted space but she and FIL did so much stuff for me , it was lovely.

kali110 · 14/06/2016 23:24

Swirlingasong i think if the mil was evil the op would have given it as an excuse by now!
Though i suppose there is time

EvieT49 · 15/06/2016 09:52

Personally, I prefer to stay in a hotel/motel when visiting family. That way I don't feel I am imposing (and I don't subject them to my snoring).
I have fone my share of putting up family in my home - if they have come a long way to visit me and I have also helped towards costs alternative accommodation.
Have a chat - explain just as you have here - maybe she would help you sort out the 'spare' room. If she sees it - she will understand.

Slarti · 15/06/2016 10:00

YABU

I actually can't believe some people ask their own parents to stay in a hotel when they visit. Shock

BlackVelvet1 · 15/06/2016 10:08

Swirlingasong
OP said MIL is helpful, she has also already been to hotel one time

JugglingFromHereToThere · 15/06/2016 10:14

I agree with Swirling and would have expected a better balance of responses here.
One way my DP's help us out is by coming up to see us from time to time - often to go to an event the DGC are taking part in - but staying in a nearby hotal as everyone is more comfortable that way.
Other DGP's may live near to their DC and DGC and give lots of support through childcare and in other ways.
I think posts like Slarti's show a slight lack of imagination regarding people's different life circumstances.