Ask MIL to stay in hotel when she visits - baby is 7 weeks old

[Ribenagirl1216]

My MIL wants to visit soon when baby (#2) will be 7 weeks old. I also have a 3/5 yr old. MIL lives 4hrs away by car. She last visited, along with FIL, when baby was 2 weeks old and they stayed in a local hotel as I had asked not to have house guests after the baby was born. She also came for a night when baby was born and stayed a night in our house to look after my 4 yr old while I was in hospital overnight.
I've asked her to book a hotel for her next visit (2 nights in a couple of weeks when baby will be 7 weeks old) and she's being huffy about it, partly cos of the cost and partly cos I think she feels should she be staying with us. We have a 3 bed house. The 4 year old recently moved into what we the spare room (where MIL has always stayed in the past in the 3 years we've lived here and she visits often for a coupe of nights each time and does babysitting for us while she's here) and his old box room is now the nursery though baby is in with us for now and the nursery is full of baby's things, clean laundry, baby gifts etc and a sofa bed that takes up the entire room when opened out. We no longer have a spare room. We only have one large open plan (kitchen/diner/lounge) space downstairs too so I don't feel comfortable having guests stay on a blow up bed or similar there.
AIBU? Not sure what the long term solution is but right now I don't want the hassle of sorting the nursery to make it suitable for her to stay in not do I want the hassle of a house guest, however low maintence, full stop.

All I want to know is what OP's DH thinks...

I gave up asking that a while ago as I wasn't sure he was even allowed an opinion

The OP used the phrase "low maintenance" in the first post so it's not a wild assumption that MIL isn't some nightmare type who settles her self into a chair and barks orders at everyone complaining as she goes. To me the subtext reads "I can't really as bother with MIL at the moment as I don't need her babysitting service so why doesn't she go away and not see the new baby and the 4 year old who is used to granny visiting every 6 weeks until I'm ready for a night on the tiles when magically I'll find somewhere to put her (but hey MY mum gets to see the grandchildren regularly because she lives nearby).

I wld hate it if my PILs come to visit every 6wks, even if they're only here for 1/2 nites.
Been married 21yrs & my ILs visit every yr & stay for min 3wks. It is v stressful as I am expected to clean after them & entertain them. MIL doesn't lift a finger to help. FIL @ least cooked, but they always had dinner late (7pm) & insisted we ate with them. They never ate my cooking until 3yrs ago. Generally, we have to alter our schedule to fit in with their lifestyle.
When youngest DD was born, they arrived on the morning of the birth & stayed for a month "to help" me. FIL cooked & MIL washed the dishes & hung out the washing.
DH thinks they're great. I just put up with them & their snippy comments about my running the household, the way I'm bringing up my kids etc. Coz they're his Dad & they're old fashioned & set in their ways.
Past 3yr's they've visited, they've only stayed 2wks.
3yrs ago, they stayed with BIL & family (10mins drive). It was the 1st time they'd put them up (BIL's been married 19yrs.) Even tho their situation is same as ours (4beds, 3kids)
2yrs ago, they stayed in our let-flat & last yr they stayed in BIL's let-house. Their choice as we did offer them to come stay with us.
They came over for dinner, which I cooked as, I think, they missed home-cooking (SIL can't be arsed to cook: their lovely kitchen is a "showpiece") However, last yr was hard as we have a restaurant & I had to work most evenings. ILs didn't bother to offer to babysit, so had to drag DCs (7-14yrs) in with me...They ate @ our restaurant (so they cld see their GC) on some of the nites that I was working & when DH had nite off, they ate @ our home. To be fair, BIL did take them out some evenings.
They're due to come over in July for 2wks. Not sure where they'll be staying. I will need to clean & tidy both my house & the flat (which is lying empty @ present) up to her inspection standards for their arrival. I am still working, so will be taking DCs in to work (am doing so @ present.)

OP, it's hard, & your PIL seem to be better than mine, but I think you just have to put up with them. I would love mine to have stayed @ the local hotel (only 15min walk), but
a) it never occurred to me
b) we have the room/ space
c) that wld have been frowned upon & talked about!
Maybe I'm just old-fashioned! DH is v traditional.

Having carefully read your posts OP, you seem to think you're doing your MIL a favour by allowing her to babysit at all: "by her own instigation" indeed; the terminology of a workplace grievance. You really can't be arsed with her, so why post here? Just dump the silly cow who's imposed on you for so long by babysitting your DC.

And what's your DH doing in all this?

I don't know how you can't just squeeze in a Z-bed under your bridge for the MIL. And you deserve a very special place in hell for referring your baby without using "the/my/our". Cloying bleurrgh of the highest order.

YANBU: resident house guests when you have a tiny baby are a total PITA.

A normal person would see that and not even ask to stay over at that time. I don't think you sound at all rude.

When does a baby stop being "tiny"?

In this case Bertrand I suspect when it's mother is ready for a night out.

When does a baby stop being "tiny"?

Around 12 weeks - the end of the "4th Trimester" IMO.

I suspect many of these "nightmare" MILs would be far more helpful with a bit of dialogue. I would never dream of arriving at someone else's house and going through the fridge and cupboards to make a meal. But if someone said there is XXX in the fridge, the XXX is that cupboard and the pans are in there could you make a start on XXX for dinner while I feed the baby please? Or I was planning on making XXX for dinner tonight do you think you could give me a hand and peel the potatoes please? I would be only too happy to help. Don't make every cup of tea show them where the stuff is and tell them to make themselves at home.

Squiff that's all well and good, but my mother considers it rude to do anything in anyone's house (conveniently). She thinks it's rude to make yourself a cup of tea etc of not offered (and given).

I meant faced with people like that, it's a complete nightmare. I appreciate this is me and not OP

Lucky that's handy for her . She'd be bloody thirsty if she ever came here! Obviously there are some people who won't lift a finger regardless and some people who would hate some else to do stuff in their kitchen but I do think a lot of people (MILs) in particular worry that they will be seen as over bearing or interfering if they take it upon themselves to do stuff. They need to ask if they can do anything and we need to be gracious and ask for/accept help and not see MIL running the hoover round as a criticism of our housekeeping.

I find the OP message to be extremely rude. To say you have expected your MIL to babysit on occasion and to then expect her to stay in a hotel because you appear to be too lazy or too mean to make the necessary adjustments to accommodate her is in my opinion quite telling. This is your husbands mother, I think he should be having some say here not just you. He may have married you, but he still has a mother and no doubt values her as he should. I would love to know how you accommodate your own mother. Even if your own mother is no longer here, he still has his and she should be treated with respect...she obviously has been very helpful to you. As for her being 'huffy', I am not in the least surprised. I have two married daughters and their husbands always welcome me with open arms. I have two sons...one is not married but the other would never treat me in such a way to have me stay in a hotel...even if his darling wife insisted! Family is family and if your mother in law is a good mother and grandmother and helps you out, the very least you can do is treat her with respect and like the family she is. Your post is quite offensive to all good mother in laws, let alone anyone with any decency.

YABU . She is close family, sounds helpful and prepared to help you out with babysitting etc. It is only for a couple of days. My dm came to stay with us for 5 weeks when my ds2 was a couple of weeks old. We had a tiny 2 bed flat but we managed. I was so glad of the help. I had a poorly new baby and she took over caring for my ds1, doing th cooking etc. I appreciate it can be different when it's mil, but if you ahve a good relationship with her I don't see the problem.

It is also weird how a womans own mother gets super status on most occasions but the husbands mothers gets treated like some ogre. It makes me wonder if daughters in law sometimes resent the fact that their darling husbands actually care about another woman other than themselves, albeit in a different way.. Most mothers of sons, do not expect to be treated better than the wives, but do expect to receive the same love they have always received from their sons. A mother doesn't stop loving a child upon marriage and a son does not stop loving his mother when he marries...but for some reason the husbands mother is often expected to disappear unless the DIL decides she is required to babysit or pick a child up from school etc. My own married son treats me with the same respect he always has. My DIL knows that respect is key and we have a good relationship - when she was dating my son she often stayed at my home. A sofa or an airbed is fine if thats what is available... when I had my babies I would have loved the help and someone to hand the baby to, so that I could take a bath /shower or get things done. Trying to look after a young child and a newborn is not easy but having someone there to hold them or play with them is a blessing. OP sounds self centred to me.... I notice she has not returned to explain her husbands feelings on the matter or to tell how she accommodates her own mother.

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT

NeedaFanjob - why have you resurrected this thread just to criticise the OP? This thread was started two months ago, the visit in question is long over.

But she's spot on

Resurrected the thread? I have only just seen it today. I didnt realize there was a time limit on posts! I am no zombie thank you. I was just contributing to the thread. I find you rude in questioning why I dare to reply to a thread exexpat? The forums are for opinions are they not?

Thank you for your opinion griphook...

Maybe someone would like to explain why this thread that is only approximately 7 weeks old is no longer up for opinion? Surely people come here to read answers to questions that may apply to them and not just the OP?

Sorry if my reply seemed rude - it is just that AIBU is a fast-moving topic, and when a thread was started more than two months ago to ask for advice on an imminent visit, and got more than 500 replies within a few days, there doesn't seem to be much point in reviving the thread just to add to the criticism of the OP (of which there was plenty along the same lines as your post earlier on in the thread). I presume you must have been googling something and come across the thread, as it would have been many pages down in the AIBU topic listing.

I think many people on MN find it irritating when they read a whole long thread and reply with advice to the OP, without noticing the date, only to find out that the relevant situation is past/the OP is long gone and will never read the reply - which is why there is an automatic 'Zombie Alert' on threads past a certain date; this one is under the time limit, but was definitely dead before you posted on it.

If she's helpful not a dick and you get on then yabu

Get her doing some dinners and get her to Take dd 4 out it will help a lot don't you think she might even help with a night feed😜

Let her stay, she sounds awesome. She can muddle through, put yourself out for her.

She asks to babysit. In fact, she's always disappointed if DH and I don't have a plan to go out both nights she visits each time. I find that presumptive and entitled tbh.

I really hope I never have a DIL as horrible as you. Bloody hell.