Ask MIL to stay in hotel when she visits - baby is 7 weeks old

[Ribenagirl1216]

My MIL wants to visit soon when baby (#2) will be 7 weeks old. I also have a 3/5 yr old. MIL lives 4hrs away by car. She last visited, along with FIL, when baby was 2 weeks old and they stayed in a local hotel as I had asked not to have house guests after the baby was born. She also came for a night when baby was born and stayed a night in our house to look after my 4 yr old while I was in hospital overnight.
I've asked her to book a hotel for her next visit (2 nights in a couple of weeks when baby will be 7 weeks old) and she's being huffy about it, partly cos of the cost and partly cos I think she feels should she be staying with us. We have a 3 bed house. The 4 year old recently moved into what we the spare room (where MIL has always stayed in the past in the 3 years we've lived here and she visits often for a coupe of nights each time and does babysitting for us while she's here) and his old box room is now the nursery though baby is in with us for now and the nursery is full of baby's things, clean laundry, baby gifts etc and a sofa bed that takes up the entire room when opened out. We no longer have a spare room. We only have one large open plan (kitchen/diner/lounge) space downstairs too so I don't feel comfortable having guests stay on a blow up bed or similar there.
AIBU? Not sure what the long term solution is but right now I don't want the hassle of sorting the nursery to make it suitable for her to stay in not do I want the hassle of a house guest, however low maintence, full stop.

Agree with above not unreasonable to refuse to move from your own room but to not let her rough it on a sofa bed is very uncharitable.

I have to say I'm with you OP! I would indeed be asking them to stay in a hotel while you're little one is so young. She should know better and respect this precious time for your little family. I hate mess and upheaval at the best of times and especially when I had just given birth. Stick to your guns and set out your stall for the future x

Are you thinking you will never want her to babysit ever again? Because if so, then it's fine. But if you think you are ever going to want to call on favours again in the future, I think you are being unwise!! It's also about how you put it - if you are worried with baby and toddler she may get very little sleep, and that the house is in chaos so she might not be so comfy then that's ok to tell her that, but otherwise, I think she might be a bit hurt. I can understand not wanting to have to run around after a guest in your situation, but on the other hand, as she has been helpful in the past and seems quite kind, I would let her stay. When we had building works I asked family to stay in hotel, now things are quite cramped and I was dreading them staying over, but they turned out to be very accommodating - people don't expect you to run your home like a hotel! (Thankfully)

Capricorn how long does "precious time" with her "little family" last? I know the first few weeks are a whirlwind but surely by 7 weeks normal life has mostly resumed??

When I'm World Dictator, using the expression "my/your little family" will be a capital offence.

I'm so with you on that Bertrand

YABVVVU. I feel sorry for your MIL. Poor woman. I also feel sorry that her son isn't standing up to you and telling you to bog off

Yes you are being unreasonable rude and ungrateful. thats your kids grandmother and she is probably looking forward to seeing the new baby.

Hmmm. I don't think YABU. As a one off.

7 weeks old is knackering. And actually a bit of space to cope might be just what you need.

And I think the decor thing was a red herring. OP thought they meant move the sofa bed forever, yes?

And, for what it's worth, my family do a mix of staying/going to hotels, depending on when/what suits. I hadn't realised this was a "thing" until I read this thread

OP was given loads of simple common sense suggestions that wouldnt cause major upheavals and she has ignored them.

Sorry but YABU. Your MIL sounds like she really wants to help and I think it is so important for the inlaws to feel part of the mix. If it is only a couple of nights I would definitely suck it up and let her have her moment with her grandkids and you might even be able to have a few hours off. If she is happy to muck in that is great. I have to wait on my MIL but I wouldn't dream of telling her to stay in a hotel and we have a 3 bed with 3 kids - I move the kids or we move out of our room. I'm a mum of 3 boys so my future is going to be as a MIL - I hope my kids let me stay and I hope my future DILs are understanding that the MIL really wants to get involved too (they can be very nice!). My DM desperately wanted to be involved in my DB's kids lives but he married a woman who basically wanted to cut his family out and just include hers and it was very sad for everyone on his side of the family. They are grown up now and hardly know us.

I am going against the grain here but YANBU. My mum would always stay in a hotel when visiting my sister. She felt it was more harmonious that way. I feel the same and would always stay at a hotel when visiting friends and most family members as I like my own space and having 4 DC's I would feel it's a bit much for most people.
My MIL stays with me when she visits but this is less than once a year as we live a long way away. I don't have space as only 3/4 beds and 4 DC's but we juggle around.
My SIL & family are coming to visit and she has said she is booking a hotel nearby. I didn't argue as I really don't have the space and as a single parent find everything quite stressful.

blublutoo It IS odd isn't it? It's almost as if a journalist is fishing for a story and hasn't quite decided whether the fictional older child is going to be 3 or 5 so puts 3/5, later decides on 4 and then forgets to take out the earlier reference to age. Almost.

I know I am in the minority here but I wouldn't expect my kids to put me up when they are older especially if they had young babies and not much space. I wouldn't want to be causing them stress either, sorry.

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable. You don't want your mil to stay over at your house for two days and that's fine. You're not destroying a relationship. Even if your mil is annoyed at having to stay at a hotel, she'll be fine. You can recover from this. It's not a big ask of someone not to stay with you 7 weeks pp.

I remember how I felt 7 weeks pp, both babies, and I'm really angry at the way people have spoken to you on this thread. It's appalling!

As for saying no to your mil - women are always told to say no to what they don't want or don't like or to what makes them feel uncomfortable but once you have a baby somehow this idea goes out the window. Why? Your mil can still visit and nothing in what you've said makes me think you're trying to destroy her relationship with your new baby. No is ok, no is fine. Once your house is sorted it will be better.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. The last thing you need right now is more stress. I hope you can put the personal insults on this thread behind you and enjoy your baby

I don't move any of us out of our beds for anyone. If someone wants to stay they get an (actually very good) airbed or the sofa. I think either is a reasonable option for a visitor. I do think YABU to.jot let her stay at all, YANBU to not chop the nursery around for her.

So glad I didn't feel the need to be treated like a porcelain Madonna after I had my babies. Families are (usually) good things for babies to have. And not just "my little" families, either.

Hmm, interesting thread.

When my in-laws came to stay, we always used to put them up in our room, then DH and I would sleep downstairs on airbeds.

When we, as the grandparents, have stayed in our adult DCs' homes, sometimes we've stayed in their home and sometimes in a nearby hotel, depending on the situation. And we were not in the least bit offended about going to a hotel.

However, I never had any overnight guests when my DCs were tiny babies; I know I wouldn't have coped very well with that at all!

So, o balance OP, I think YANBU in this case. If your MIL had been requested by you or your DH to come for babysitting and help with the DCs, that would be different. But as she has essentially invited herself, I think it's reasonable for you to suggest she stays in a hotel on this occasion.

Perhaps in a year or two, when your baby is older, the two children could double up in one room when guests come to stay?

I think you're getting a hard time, op. You have hosted every six weeks for 3 years. This isn't your MiL's first visit to see the baby, it will be her third, in 7 weeks (ok, I know the first was to look after your elder child, but I am presuming in that case that granny got cuddles and was very much part of your baby's first few hours). It is harsh to suggest the op cuts her out of her grandchildren's life.

It doesn't matter how lovely someone is, having them stay that often is hard work. It's not unreasonable to want a bit of let up when you have a new baby (and 7 weeks is still new) and instead your MiL wants to visit you more frequently. I can understand that this could seem like a slippery slope.

My MiL lives a similar distance away and visits for longer every six to eight weeks. I find it exhausting. I think people often forget that someone staying with you is with you ALL the time so actually if you divide it up by hours, MiL staying for a couple of days every six weeks can be the equivalent number of hours as seeing local gps for half a day every week, which I doubt anyone would consider too little. Yet, certainly my MiL, whom we see for the equivalent of 12 hours a week, will then tell me how little she sees us etc etc. It can be utterly suffocating and yes, on occasions I have acted as 'unreasonably' as the op, but if I didn't I would literally end up either with no time at all with just dh and dcs or never seeing my own family, who are also not local, let alone any time to be able to build local friendships which are pretty bloody vital to those of us with no local family.

I may well be projecting (a lot) but I think people have been very unkind based on the snapshot the op has given. I did see the sofa colour comment but presumed that was either flippant or that the op thought posters were suggesting a permanent set up.

Btw, I do know that counting the hours of visits is incredibly petty, and I hate it too, but sometimes it's the only way to defend how you feel when you are once more the bad and obstructive one against the kind granny who just wants to see her grandchildren.

Swamitjanet - Normal life has NEVER resumed in our house! I do know what you mean but I just couldn't bear the upset to our (already packed) house. It caused me such huge amounts of stress but everyone's different.

What is it with MN and "my little family"?!

We had a very small open plan flat when we had our daughter and welcomed her grandparents with open arms from the outset. They stayed for as long as they wanted (several days) and we all mucked in. It was great and they've all forged a wonderfully close relationship. She's now 8 and will go to stay with them during the holidays etc. We put them up by rearranging beds and sofas .. It's really no hardship for close family. And they've been so loving and helpful in return. You are being fairly selfish and short sighted sorry!

I didn't let my own parents stay with us in the few weeks after dd1 was born. I was a hormonal, stressed out wreck and couldn't help but take out my emotions on them. It's hard enough keeping your cool with your own parents let alone in-laws (however helpful they may be). If it's going to add more stress just remind her that you will not be on good form and don't want to risk upsetting her. You never know just how easy or difficult those first 3 months will be. who really wants to be accommodating visitors when you have a colicky baby or pain and difficulty with breastfeeding? Offer to pay part or all of her hotel accommodation.
Even with an older child... When we were trying to get DD to sleep in her own room, we effectively lost our guest room & didn't want to disrupt the routine we were hoping to establish. we helped my visiting parents find a nice nearby place on air B and B. Everyone got to make the most of being together when we wanted to be and had personal space and time to recover from the intensity, excitement, tension, activity etc. of a family visit.
Don't feel bad, just find a way to sort it so you can avoid a bigger upset.

Could your 4 yr old sleep in a Ready bed? You can get them
in Argos quite cheaply and Im sure your little be could see it as an adventure. They are tiny and fit anywhere. I've used them loads.

I feel yabu. I'm always shuffling family members around.