Ask MIL to stay in hotel when she visits - baby is 7 weeks old

[Ribenagirl1216]

My MIL wants to visit soon when baby (#2) will be 7 weeks old. I also have a 3/5 yr old. MIL lives 4hrs away by car. She last visited, along with FIL, when baby was 2 weeks old and they stayed in a local hotel as I had asked not to have house guests after the baby was born. She also came for a night when baby was born and stayed a night in our house to look after my 4 yr old while I was in hospital overnight.
I've asked her to book a hotel for her next visit (2 nights in a couple of weeks when baby will be 7 weeks old) and she's being huffy about it, partly cos of the cost and partly cos I think she feels should she be staying with us. We have a 3 bed house. The 4 year old recently moved into what we the spare room (where MIL has always stayed in the past in the 3 years we've lived here and she visits often for a coupe of nights each time and does babysitting for us while she's here) and his old box room is now the nursery though baby is in with us for now and the nursery is full of baby's things, clean laundry, baby gifts etc and a sofa bed that takes up the entire room when opened out. We no longer have a spare room. We only have one large open plan (kitchen/diner/lounge) space downstairs too so I don't feel comfortable having guests stay on a blow up bed or similar there.
AIBU? Not sure what the long term solution is but right now I don't want the hassle of sorting the nursery to make it suitable for her to stay in not do I want the hassle of a house guest, however low maintence, full stop.

I don't think you are being the least bit unreasonable Ribena and, furthermore, I think a lot of the people here, who've responded to say you are, are being utterly ridiculous!

You did not invite your MIL to stay. Therefore, if she wants to visit, you are not responsible for where she stays. It really doesn't matter what she has or has not done in terms of helping you, how much she loves her grandchildren, what the colour of your sofa is, how many bedrooms you have, or how many generations of some family ever lived in one room and loved it. It's all irrelevant.

AND I think having a tiny baby and a preschooler is hard work and I completely understand why you don't want visitors.

AND for goodness sake, how can anyone say a baby just seven weeks old is not a new born - of course it is! And what a mother needs to do to cope at that time is entirely down to the mother.

AND the house sounds small. I don't see the obvious 'spare' room. I am laughing at all of the offers of suggestions to rearrange your furniture - it's your frigging house OP so you don't need to move a thing that doesn't work for you and your family. If you want to wait a month or two or twelve before doing the whole sofa bed/ blow up bed thing, then that's your call. It's not unreasonable - it's what works in your family.

AND all families are different - why on earth is everyone projecting their own family dynamic on to the OP and getting angry because she is not responding as if she is in the same situation??? She's not - it's her situation and clearly she's not happy about MIL staying just at that very time. So MIL doesn't need to stay just at that very time!

AND to all the people who are some kind of wonder woman, happy to host guests and squish up and totally re-organise the house so as not to come accross as being unreasonable (or a 'porcelain Madonna' ) while exhausted, breast feeding a 7 week old and probably still bleeding - well done you! Marvellous! But we're not all such 'together' earth mothers, so be a little accommodating and accept the diversity of womankind - some of us are shattered and fragile less than two months after birth.

I'm reeling at the narrow minded inflexibility shown on this thread, tbh. In fact, I rarely respond to threads anymore, but was irked into doing so.

Have a go at me instead now... Cheers!

YABU I am afraid. Your MIL sounds lovely and I wish I had someone like her who makes the effort to drive all that way, put up with your attitude all to see her grandchildren.

You keep saying there is no spare room and basically can't be bothered to accommodate her. Let your husband help to clear up and help. You could put your precious older child in the sofa bed and let her in the spare room or let her sleep downstairs on the airbed. She sounds like someone who will tiptoe around people and make an effort to help. I doubt she'll turn the downstairs into her lair.

Sorry but as much as this is about you, its also about the grandparents and it would be so selfish to ask someone who has driven four hours to go stay at a hotel especially when there is space.

I too live in a three bed house but in a living plus dining area so its pretty small. When we have my husband's family over for Christmas or events, we have his brother, his wife and children squeezed upstairs and his mom downstairs.

Yes, you are being unreasonable. The poor woman helps you out, but she's not welcome to stay in her son's home because it's going to put you out for a short while? If I were her, I'd be very hurt indeed.

To be honest we live in a 3 bed house when I had my youngest our kids are only just over a year apart but just weeks before our daughter was born we moved our son still a baby at just over a year old into our 2nd biggest bedroom in a cot bed (that room wasn't big enough to hold another bed as well) we had our DD in her Moses basket in our room. Our 3rd bedroom/box room had a cot in for our daughter and certainly wasn't big enough for a sofa bed we had nowhere for in laws to stay. We did think about sleeping downstairs on an air bed but as mum in law had no intention of changing nappies or doing night feeds or getting up if our son woke up upset in the night. When DH explained we had moved our DS into the 2nd bedroom they offered to stay in a hotel. Don't think they wanted broken sleep or to get involved in any night time or early morning shenanigans. They only wanted baby cuddles on their terms. If MIL had been prepared to help and was happy in cramped bedroom with bedding I would let her stay. But depends on relationship and how helpful MIL was

Babies change so much from 2 to 7 weeks so I can understand MIL wanting to come again. The flipside of losing some privacy is an extra pair of hands when there is a lot to do. As others have suggested could a compromise be that DH sorts out nursery and MIL brings her own bedding. You were happy for her to be the one to drive an 8 hour round trip for one night to look after DC1.

YANBU. Full stop. You have a 7 week old baby. Rest up and surely your MIL can find a cheap hotel or bnb. Fwiw, I've hosted and not hosted guests since my daughter was born. It was a bit of a nightmare having a full house when you need some privacy and time to adjust.

It's not a big deal.

YANBU, as a future mil I'd much prefer to stay in a hotel with my own space.

Sorry, but unless you had a particularly difficult birth or have PND, why is it such a big deal to accommodate a close family member, who has driven a long way to see you and who is loving and helpful, for a few days?

Presumably you are on maternity leave so have no worries about work. I am not saying babies and toddlers are not hard work, but I do sometimes think that some posters on MN are a bit precious about the whole childbirth/baby scenario. It's normal to give birth, you are not ill, you are nearly two months in, why are some people so self indulgent and think the world stops with them and nobody else's feelings matter, because they have given birth?

You did not invite your MIL to stay. Therefore, if she wants to visit, you are not responsible for where she stays.

It's the baby's nan, not some stranger, some of you are very weird.

As I said. Porcelain Madonnas.

And the op is the baby's mother. I really hope never to be the kind of grandmother that thinks a grandparent's wishes should trump a parent's needs and feelings.

Vortexofdisaster That's exactly what I wanted to say but couldn't get my literary act together! Well said and I agree entirely with you and OP. I was still reeling at the 7 wk mark, colic made it's appearance the week before and I had an incredibly hungry baby. I never minded looking my worst or the house being untidy around my parents and sister but, even with much loved extended family & DH mob calling around, I still didn't feel I could relax.

OP; go with your gut on this. If you follow that instinct for your DC's all their lives they'll be well served

Given you're suggesting she stay in a hotel just this time I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Some people have said that she's not a guest, she's family, but that depends on your relationship. My MIL came over the other week to "help out" with my daughter because I'd been put on restricted activity, I spent the day making her cups of tea, lunch and the assistance I got extended to her lifting my DD onto the changing mat. Beyond that she expected to be treated as a guest. The OP hasn't said either way if her MIL is similar in this way or if having her there would actually help her out and she'd be the one making OP cups of tea.

Also, we don't know how the OP is coping with having a newborn - is DD sleeping well / feeding well? Is she in a good routine? Some people have said that 7 weeks old isn't tiny but my DD was still in NICU at 7 weeks so my "newborn" days with her started after the 2 month mark. We don't know what the OP's experience was the first time around and we don't know what her experience is this time around. We don't know if she's just about getting by day to day and a houseguest would just be a step too far. I know it would have been for me in those early days but maybe that makes me weak, unreasonable or selfish.

Wow. You're happy to have her stay when you need childcare... But at other times she gets told to stay in a hotel?!
No wonder she's upset.
I think you're totally out of order tbh. Seven weeks means you'll have got over the first few days after birth.
I think you're being selfish OP

Is this a reverse?

Where is the husband in all of this? If I was so mean to my MIL he'd rightly tell me about myself and sort things out for her himself. In fact, he really should be sorting things out anyway, moving furniture or whatever.

I think you are being rude. She seems to have helped you and you seem to be happy enough for her to stay when she baby sits...what would you do if it was your dear mother??

Are we still waiting to hear what DH thinks?

Pay. Just pay.

If she's making the effort to come visit, babysitting for you yet you don't want to accomodate her in your house then pay for her to stay elsewhere and not some sleazy Travelodge. A nice b&b maybe?

Swirling "a parent's needs and feelings". Last time I checked fathers were also parents and some of them, gasp, have feeling too (I know blokes with feeling eh? What is the world coming to?). There is space it just requires a bit of tidy up so DH is told "if you want your mum here can you move x, put away y and ask her to fold the sofa bed up when its not in use".

If the sole reason you do not want MIL to stay is that you don't feel up to nor want over night guests - that is perfectly acceptable, having a baby is hard and tiring work and you need your own space.

However is that the only reason or does it run deeper? Do you like MIL? Would you expect your own DM to stay in hotel?

Hope this adds different perspective - i don't think YABU for either of those reasons, but if it's the latter perhaps there are some issues you need to work upon.

Yabu, shuffle the kids around for pil's staying and my family

I don't underrated why she is not welcome. She is family and there is a place for her to sleep. She's helped care for you children when needed. She does sound supportive and understanding of your space after the initial birth.

Unless the relationship between the two of you is fractious I think YABU.

*understand

Yes Squiff, hence using the word 'parent', not mother or father