Ask MIL to stay in hotel when she visits - baby is 7 weeks old

[Ribenagirl1216]

My MIL wants to visit soon when baby (#2) will be 7 weeks old. I also have a 3/5 yr old. MIL lives 4hrs away by car. She last visited, along with FIL, when baby was 2 weeks old and they stayed in a local hotel as I had asked not to have house guests after the baby was born. She also came for a night when baby was born and stayed a night in our house to look after my 4 yr old while I was in hospital overnight.
I've asked her to book a hotel for her next visit (2 nights in a couple of weeks when baby will be 7 weeks old) and she's being huffy about it, partly cos of the cost and partly cos I think she feels should she be staying with us. We have a 3 bed house. The 4 year old recently moved into what we the spare room (where MIL has always stayed in the past in the 3 years we've lived here and she visits often for a coupe of nights each time and does babysitting for us while she's here) and his old box room is now the nursery though baby is in with us for now and the nursery is full of baby's things, clean laundry, baby gifts etc and a sofa bed that takes up the entire room when opened out. We no longer have a spare room. We only have one large open plan (kitchen/diner/lounge) space downstairs too so I don't feel comfortable having guests stay on a blow up bed or similar there.
AIBU? Not sure what the long term solution is but right now I don't want the hassle of sorting the nursery to make it suitable for her to stay in not do I want the hassle of a house guest, however low maintence, full stop.

It sounds as though you get on OK with your MIL, and it seems she's happy to help with babysitting etc. My IL's were and still are great with kids and helping us out, more so than my own parents, I'd be more than happy to bend over backwards to help them.
You should consider options and discuss them with your MIL and see if she has any ideas...offer to let her sleep on sofa bed in nursery....put your older child on sofa bed in nursery....let grandma share older child's room, probably quite exciting for older child...offer to pay for accommodation if none of the above work

Sell the sofa bed. It is no longer fit for purpose (wrong colour and size) Buy a self inflating double height airbed (roughly size of small single and same height) which can be packed away when not in use. MIL in box room snug as a bug. One day you might be her.

No, YANBU.

I "technically" could fit my SIL, her husband and their kids here when they visit a week after I'm due to give birth, it's my preference that they not though. The "babies room" will, like you OP, be "empty" technically but that doesn't mean I'm okay with not getting a break from "entertaining" and just wanted to sleep/relax.

You're SEVEN weeks post-partum. You're tired, possibly bleeding etc etc (as other posters have said). I actually would ask her to postpone her visit and come another month later or something. That would make a huge difference to how you're feeling.

You might be able to fit her in the other room, if that's what you and/or DH want, you know you could make it work, but this sounds more about how you're annoyed she's coming in spite of how you're feeling and what you actually want, so you're digging your heels in to have some form of control over her visit "fine, come, but we're not ready for guests".

Most importantly, I think you need to go forward in the way you intend to continue. If you move your son, she may always expect it. If she sleeps on the sofa, she may always expect it (I expect the spare room is part of the reason she visits every 6 weeks). If she insists on coming every 6 weeks she needs to remember you DON'T have a spare room anymore and she'll need to plan alternate accommodation (until/unless you have a bigger house). It's not fair on your kids to be constantly shifted around (even for an adored grandmother).

Good luck with whatever you decide!

I would never make my in laws get a hotel room it is very rude even if it means I have to sleep on the floor!! You ma'am are being very unreasonable, doent even sound like you even like her all that much, if you can't even accommodate her for two damn nights, your dh should be ashamed of you!

"I "technically" could fit my SIL, her husband and their kids here when they visit a week after I'm due to give birth"

Totally different scenario from having one helpful person to stay 7 weeks later.

"It's not fair on your kids to be constantly shifted around (even for an adored grandmother)."

You do know that it's actually perfectly usual for children to shift around a little bit sometimes when visitors come? The only family I know when they don't do this have 4 spare bedrooms!

YAB totally and utterly U.
Shameful. Get your butts in the spare room and sort it out.

Swirling I'm not seeing a single thought given to what her DH wants though. Lots of women seem to expect their mother to be given mythical status while OHs Mum is left to feed on whatever scraps they decide to through her way. Your relationship with your mother and MIL are different but the relationship to the children is the same. They are both grandmothers.

It sounds like you'd rather her say in a hotel this time because of how you are feeling, which is perfectly reasonable, rather than that it being not practically possible. Making excuses because of the practical side is what is making you sound unreasonable. I'm sure if you had worded your OP in a slightly different way this whole thread would have gone the other way. Stop making excuse and just say you really don't feel up to it! Out of interest how old is the baby now/how long to the visit at 7 weeks? If still still 2+ weeks away could you compromise and say cancel the booking/make it last minute in case you feel more recovered by then? Most chain type travel lodge places let you cancel up to the day before.
I actually think the practical side sounds pretty easy to resolve now and much harder once kids bigger or if they both come to stay, but by then you may feel more able to cope.

YABU very U
This is your children's grandparent. She will be in their life and your life until she dies and you expect her to stay in a hotel?

Ok so just seen it in a couple of weeks :-)

BabyBumpHopeful, you do know, don't you, that there are people on this thread who will be looking after older children, shopping and doing housework when they are one week post partum, let alone seven - because they have to. Of course there will be cases where someone at that stage isn't able to do much, but that will be for specific medical reasons which OP hasn't suggested she has. And of course she still hasn't said why her DH can't sort out the spare room for his mother.

We do ourselves no favours by the universal assumption that women are automatically incapable of rational though or physical action for a significant length of time post partum, and must have all their whims and wishes pandered to.

Obviously some women have physical and emotional difficulties, and of course they need and should get special care. But for most of us? Nope.

Augusta
When I had a 6 week old and a two year old I was working from home and finished my maternity leave.

Do you know what, I think iwantagoonthetrampoline is right, if the op had said "do you know what, I'm really not up to it at the mo, the baby isn't sleeping, I just want my own space, just this once I'd like her to stay in a hotel" I think people may have been more sympathetic, as it is she's come across as entitled and not very nice really so people are reacting to that.

Agree Bertrand (again!)

Kids bunking in together is what you do for family. My sister and I would sleep on my parents floor in sleeping bags if we had a particularly full house. And that was as teenagers.

We don't have a very big extended family but they were not treated any differently because 'the mother' had the right to determine the relationships her kids had with others.

I'm not the biggest fan of fil but my kids adore him and I would never come between them. It's so lovely for kids to have those relationships.

YABU! She is your dc's grandma and she has been reasonable and helpful so should be welcomed. It's only for two nights. You should all shuffle up one way or another. You were happy to have her stay over when she was babysitting - ie doing you a favour. You appear to be rather unkind.

I think you are right Navy. Perhaps we should start a new thread "Sell the sofa bed" l hope she works things out you never know how long you have got your family for

I was still a bit of a mess seven weeks pp. still bleeding randomly. Spd still really painful. C section scar (which is massive) still v sore.
I still think yabu. If your mil was one of the utter horrors we often see on here then you'd have a point (and wouldnt need to make any excuses or justifications) but she seems to be a perfectly OK granny who you are happy to accept babysitting from but then banish from the house. She's helping out - be reasonable and let her stay!
On another note. It's heartening to see a mil thread in defence of the mil!

This it the thing. If you are not ready to have people around then why not just say so and give her a date she can come over? But I fail to see how telling her or rather ordering her to go stay in a hotel is going to change anything as other than breakfast, she will likely be spending most of the time in the house or out. Are you going to tell her to bugger off for dinner as well? Surely her just sleeping in the house for a couple of hours is not a HUGE inconvenience. Only there for TWO days and who knows what time she will arrive and leave as she has a long way to drive especially with our shitty weather , likely to be driving slow and stuck in traffic.

So heartbreaking that to have nurtured and make your husband the man he is now, see him marry and now being told what and what not to do by his wife, all to see her grandchildren. Hope you never have to be in her shoes.

God see I'm very conflicted by this thread. I hate having people to stay, particularly parents (both sides, but actually more so mine). The last tones they've stayed I was expected to wait on people hand and foot, they're very limited practical help and I feel I can't be myself in my own house.

I appreciate this is slightly different from OP's MIL but I don't really subscribe to the 'you must accommodate all guests' school of thought. I'm a far better host when I can have a few hours to myself in the morning and evening to regenerate.

I think different people have different 'norms' in this situation as well.. As a child I was never asked to give up my bed or room for guests, as an adult when my parents have visited they have stayed in a hotel, as they do if they visit other friends or family. They would only put guests up at home (including us) if there were genuinely enough bedrooms. I know that other people's families do things differently (and that's fine). I don't think the op is particularly bu, but should maybe offer to pay the hotel cost.