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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ask MIL to stay in hotel when she visits - baby is 7 weeks old

523 replies

Ribenagirl1216 · 12/06/2016 08:42

My MIL wants to visit soon when baby (#2) will be 7 weeks old. I also have a 3/5 yr old. MIL lives 4hrs away by car. She last visited, along with FIL, when baby was 2 weeks old and they stayed in a local hotel as I had asked not to have house guests after the baby was born. She also came for a night when baby was born and stayed a night in our house to look after my 4 yr old while I was in hospital overnight.
I've asked her to book a hotel for her next visit (2 nights in a couple of weeks when baby will be 7 weeks old) and she's being huffy about it, partly cos of the cost and partly cos I think she feels should she be staying with us. We have a 3 bed house. The 4 year old recently moved into what we the spare room (where MIL has always stayed in the past in the 3 years we've lived here and she visits often for a coupe of nights each time and does babysitting for us while she's here) and his old box room is now the nursery though baby is in with us for now and the nursery is full of baby's things, clean laundry, baby gifts etc and a sofa bed that takes up the entire room when opened out. We no longer have a spare room. We only have one large open plan (kitchen/diner/lounge) space downstairs too so I don't feel comfortable having guests stay on a blow up bed or similar there.
AIBU? Not sure what the long term solution is but right now I don't want the hassle of sorting the nursery to make it suitable for her to stay in not do I want the hassle of a house guest, however low maintence, full stop.

OP posts:
Overshoulderbolderholder · 13/06/2016 14:36

If you can foster close relations, it's so lovely for your children to have that bond. Welcome them as much as you feel able as soon as you feel able. If entertaining is too much get some fish and chips in etc. Nice mother in laws that love your kids, are allowed to support the parents and are happy to babysit are gold dust if she falls anywhere near this then YABU to keep her at arms length a minute longer than is absolutely necessary. My older children have recently lost their paternal Nan, they loved each other so much and she really enriched their lives. I wish you and your family that same blessing Flowers

mygorgeousmilo · 13/06/2016 14:37

YABU she sounds lovely and has previously been very helpful and respected your wishes. If your son has a single bed, maybe let her sleep in there and get him one of those mini inflatable toddler beds to sleep in his room with her. I do feel like you should also think of a long term 'what to do when people stay' bed strategy.

user1465823522 · 13/06/2016 14:54

You've not actually said why you don't want her there.

Oh she did - did you not read the post about how the sofa bed would spoil her decor?

Nomorechickens · 13/06/2016 14:55

We had a house similar to yours when DCs were small. PiL regularly invited themselves to stay for a week, and DPs for 2-3 nights. We bought a good quality sofabed (with help from DPs) for the open plan living room, we slept there and guests slept in our room. It was a pain but also lovely to have them visit. May be a good long term solution. For this visit you will have to clear out the nursery for MiL, sorry.

Awalkinthepark1 · 13/06/2016 15:03

YABU . Seems you don't mind using her for babysitting!. She is travelling a long way to see her DG so be generous and let them her in your house-no hotel, she is their Granny.

Awalkinthepark1 · 13/06/2016 15:05

Let her stay.

Toooldtobearsed · 13/06/2016 15:07

Perhaps Op is redecorating?

I get what people say about a 7 week old and guests, but MiL is not a guest guest. She is family, come to help and support.

Thank God my DiL and SiL are relaxed with us staying with them. I often go on my own and would feel unwanted being shunted into a hotel at the end of the day.

mammamic · 13/06/2016 15:21

I love these threads.

MN asks for advice/opinion/AIBU when responses clearly show majority think YES YABCOMPLETELYU, OP repeats questions in various ways and when this still gets similar responses, OP becomes confrontational and it all starts to get a bit icky.

Why bother asking if you're not ready to hear what ppl have to say?

#JusSayin

BackforGood · 13/06/2016 15:32

This is another of those 'only on MN' things. I can't conceive of expecting a helpful MiL who wants to come and meet new grandchild for a couple of days being asked to book a hotel.
Quite frankly I wouldn't even if I lived in a 1 bed flat! However, you have 3 bedrooms!
YABVU

mirime · 13/06/2016 15:35

I can see both sides, I think.

Certainly moving the sofa bed downstairs (some have suggested this) for two days then taking it back upstairs is a bit much, and as you wouldn't be able to open it no point anyway.

Not sure why people keep talking about buying extra beds for your older child, couldn't they just sleep on the sofa in the box room and MIL sleep in their room?

Of course if it's just that you can't cope with having someone else in your house so much maybe you just need to be honest about that rather than making it about space. I can understand that feeling, however nice and helpful people are you can feel that having guests means you have to be a bit more together than maybe you are and I went through a bit of a rough patch at 7/8 weeks with the lack of sleep etc.

littlehuman · 13/06/2016 16:17

Oh no way i ll let my mil staying in a hotel. I get on with her like my own mum. And extra help was more than welcome when dd was born. When my kid grow up and has children herself and ask me to stay (&pay) for an hotel i ll be pretty offended tbh!

themiram · 13/06/2016 16:21

No you're not being rude or unreasonable. No one else can tell you how you feel about it! Evey fily is different. Could you offer to contribute to the cost if that's the problem? I hated having visitors staying when I had tiny babies- I felt I could scarcely cope with sorting ourselves out, never mind adding anyone else into the mix.

BertrandRussell · 13/06/2016 16:33

My children have always doubled up when we have visitors. DD is away at University and they still do when she's home and we have visitors. They complain, then we hear them giggling at 1 in the morning!

BertrandRussell · 13/06/2016 16:34

"No you're not being rude or unreasonable. No one else can tell you how you feel about it! "
Nobody can tell you how you feel about it- but they can tell you how you should act

Sarn1234 · 13/06/2016 17:46

Let her stay she's the childrens garndmother, she sounds helpful and does babysit for you. If you haven't got time to make up beds, give her the bedding and ask her to do it! Sometimes we do stuff to keep everyone happy including your husband, I bet he doesnt mind. I dont always agree with my inlaws but keep the peace for dh sake.

4happyhours · 13/06/2016 17:51

I opened this up and started reading expecting to say you're not being unreasonable ... You just might not feel like having your mil around at the moment, I get that. But it sounds like you do have room really, and she will see that.
We are paying for both sets of grandparents to stay locally for Christmas having hosted every single Christmas we could (15/17 - two we went abroad for) and for about five days at a time ... But this is because we only have one spare, our kids are too big to share being different genders and teen, and we don't all get along swimmingly with all grandparents around. We very much feel the duty rather than the affection ... So rather than boot one set out, we are booking both sets into a hotel and paying just so we get some of Christmas back.
Your two days doesn't sound that bad ... If your DH wants her to stay, get him to do all the bedding and moving etc ...

Katakus · 13/06/2016 18:05

It depends on whether she is a nice lady or not. If she's lovely then let her stay. She will enjoy having the children in the morning and being a part of your family and mucking in. She might be a bit lonely. My widowed mum used to sleep in DD's bed and DD slept on mattress on floor but often snuck in the bed together. They both loved it. If you don't like her then say she has to go in hotel and blame it on lack of room.

sleeponeday · 13/06/2016 18:14

You've been given a horribly hard time here and people have at times crossed the line really badly. It's not fun to read as a bystander so I think you've been incredibly restrained as the target, actually. I also think people have missed your clear statement that this would be a oneoff and she will go back to staying with you again when things settle down, and that you have her to stay with you every 6 weeks. That's not a bad daughter-in-law by any estimation. You just want some space right now to settle into the huge changes in your lives.

I do think it would really hurt her feelings to be asked to stay elsewhere when you do have the space for her. I sympathise with the exhaustion of having guests with such a small baby but at the same time, with well-intentioned family you can ask them to do specific things, and also explain you're tired and just don't want to be hostess so do they mind fending for themselves with tea etc. Actually she'll probably be a godsend in terms of playing with the older child while you sleep when the baby does. I rather envy you tbh - my MIL is so awful my DH is low contact with her. I'm not saying any visitor is easy at this stage, I hasten to add. Just that I'd like a MIL I could trust at all.

I don't know. I'm on the fence - as a oneoff request from a new mother it's not unreasonable, no, but if you could bear it I do think having her visit would be kind and diplomatic. You could always ask her to sort the nursery rearranging out with your DH - she might even like to do it, in fact.

Again, sorry you've had such a kicking. MN can be weird.

toniqxx · 13/06/2016 18:14

If you trust her enough to have her babysit as you have done why can't she bunk up with 4 year old on a blow up bed or similar. It feels so cold going back to a hotel on your own after being around your family rather than having a chat on the couch and cocoa before bed.

I'd be really upset if I was the mil, personally I think you are beig very unreasonable, I'm presuming this is her first visit since baby being born so it will put a major dampner on a happy event.

I think you could damage your relationship with her by doing this, most people make do and find ways to accomadate family.

She will miss out on morning snuggles as little ones wake and doing bedtime story etc.

BoatyMcBoat · 13/06/2016 18:17

MIL stays in the room she usually stays in, she doesn't have to have a double bed so can sleep in there. Baby is in with you anyway, and your elder child can sleep on the sofa. Put him to bed in your bed, and then you can carefully lift him and carry him to the sofa when you go to bed. He may wake a little, but if he knows what's going on (so tell him before he sleeps that you'll be moving him) he won't be surprised into wakefulness though he may stir a little - just whisper to him that you're taking him to the sofa, and to go back to sleep and he should be fine. Or one/both of you sleep in the open plan downstairs.

I do think your MIL is reasonable to expect to sleep in your home by now.

ghostspirit · 13/06/2016 18:18

i dont understand theses threads about MIL and where they are going to sleep. i would always make sure they had a bed to sleep in, in my house not in a hotel.

renaultchic · 13/06/2016 18:19

Would you ask your own mom to stay in a hotel

AmserGwin · 13/06/2016 18:26

Yes YABU

BabyMinkle · 13/06/2016 18:28

sigh I read through this whole thread to find out what the husband thought of all this. I totally understand not having the energy to organise the spare room for a house guest, but then I would expect my husband to clear the space for his mum so it wouldn't be my problem.

Pliudev · 13/06/2016 18:41

It would help, I think, to remember that it's quite likely that most mumsnetters will become MILs one day. I read so often on here about strained relationships with mother in laws. I think it is unreasonable to expect this particular MIL to sleep in a hotel when she has come to visit (and most likely help) her family. The most important words in the previous sentence being 'her family'.